Chapter Seven:
"What's up with you?" asked Rin, catching me by surprise.
I was walking to my usual seat in the cafeteria when he snuck up on me, tray in hand and eyes burning a hole in both my head and the walls I built during our time away. Trying not to look at him, I set my tray on the table and my bag next to the chair. Rin took no time seating himself as I did-across from me where I couldn't avoid eye contact. I played dumb to his accusatory glare that, in the end, got me nowhere with his stubbornness.
"I'm really not in the mood for the silent treatment from you right now," he said, stabbing his fork into a piece of broccoli.
"Then who would you like the silent treatment from?" I answered, not even realizing how cold I had sounded.
"I don't need you to be cocky either." But I saw a flash of a smile in his eyes.
I wanted to say something to him, but there wasn't anything that could deter from the issue. The notes were left in my school locker, in and on my desk, when Rin was even in the same room as me. I couldn't ignore it, couldn't hide it, especially after Rin saw it one random day. He wouldn't let me avoid him outside of class, no matter how much I tried.
But there was nothing he could've done to change what happened.
"I won't...talk about anything you don't want to," he said. "Just say something."
"How was your day?" I blurted out.
Am I kidding? 'How was your day?' What kind of diversion is that?
It sounded like Rin tried to hold back a chuckle and then scooped a forkful of curry from his spot. I looked back at him, unable to determine his expression.
"Fine," he answered.
Is there something wrong with him? He wouldn't ever react like this to that kind of comment. Maybe...I thought. No. Our relationship was...well, what could I call it? I had no idea, but that didn't mean I could just throw myself out there and expect results. It's...it was confusing. How do I act around him?
He must have noticed my attitude by my lack of appetite because he then said to me, "Are you staying after today?"
"I...I dunno..."
My chest heaved with a fluttering ache. I'd been plagued with that since that one afternoon, but I brushed it away as fast as I could. Rin had been skilled in guessing my thoughts lately, but I didn't want to give him any weird ideas from the way I seemed to melt to his words.
"A-Are-Do you still like spicy foods?" I asked, attempting Subject Change no.2. For him to be so clueless about the oddity of my behavior was far beyond me.
"Yeah," he replied. "You still don't?"
"I've...grown to tolerate it over the years..."
He gave a playful scoff, setting his fork on his emptied tray. I forced a bite of salad down to keep him at bay. It'd been a while since I had a decent meal; I didn't like to starve myself, as Kiyoko had questioned earlier. My classes were pushing more work than I could keep up with, and the pressure seemed worse when I had something solid in my stomach.
"Are you still choosing to swim?" he asked as he leaned back into his seat.
"Y-yes...I just-"
"Just what?"
I couldn't answer. Biting my lip, I tried to think of something. Food, class, friends, something to turn away the obvious answer that yes, I was drifting away from swimming, even though I came to love it, especially with him. I began to lose my passion for it as quickly as I'd gained it.
"Can you...not swim at all this week?" he said with blushing cheeks.
"No-NO-no, umm, that's-that's not the issue!" I flustered.
He looked away, nervously running his fingers through his hair. In all the outcomes of our conversation, I was slightly relieved for the awkward encounter. It gave me the opportunity to excuse myself, which I started doing as I grabbed my bag. I told him, "You know, it's close to the beginning of my next class. I need to get goin-"
"No, that's fine. I need to go, too," he said, defeated.
He got up with his tray, and I with mine, but suddenly he stopped in front of my chair, blocking my way with a sober look.
"I'm going to swim some more after practice. Just thought I'd tell you...in case..."
In case I want to join, I summed up in my head.
Rin turned and left before I could respond. I stood in silence, watching him go, metaphorically sinking into the floor by the weight of my guilt and confusion.
"Senpai, I'm going to go grab my bag before the club meet-up. Are you studying again tonight?" Kiyoko asked after class.
I sat outside on a bench by the front end of the campus when my roommate found me. I shuffled through papers and textbooks in my bag, mostly distracting myself from the turmoil boiling through my brain: What am I going to do about the term paper? How long will it take me tonight to finish this calculus crap? Then she brought up another matter gnawing at my insides: How was I going to face Rin and the captains this time and try to avoid making the bully angry? Swimming, practicing, school, work, schedules...all of my responsibilities were swarming me like a hive of angry bees. Everything was in disarray like looking through a kaleidoscope: it made me dizzy enough to drive me insane.
"I-I'm going that way. Let me come with you," I said after a moment's consideration.
Kiyoko seemed to glow with joy as we walked twists and turns to get to our dorm. It made me feel even more guilty when I noticed the spring in her step. Unfortunately, avoiding Rin also meant doing so to Kiyoko. I didn't want to get her involved with my issues. Because she was clueless, she most likely assumed I was busy. She was probably going to ask-
"How was your classes today, senpai?" she said.
- That. Oh, come on! This isn't fair!
"They were fine. How about you?"
"Same old-same old. My math teacher is really hitting us hard with the big time Algebra questions, bu~ut it's nothing I'm not worried about. Nii-kun is kinda flustered about the upcoming tests, though."
Nii-kun?
"You and him are getting closer, aren't you?" I asked innocently.
"Oh! Uh-umm, we're-we're just good friends is all! I swear!" she squeaked with a bashful blush.
A shy little smile crept across her lips that I couldn't help reflecting on my own. I was glad that someone was having a better week than me. Those two were kind of cute together, too.
"Senpai, wha-what about you and Ma-Matsuoka-senpai?"
"Hmm?"
"Well, I-uh, I noticed that you two we-were getting along earlier...umm, so, you two must be good friends...too?"
It was my turn to blush. I wasn't sure what Rin and I were to each other, much less what the current situation was. I was pushing away that time, yet Rin took it upon himself to edge closer to me when I least wanted it. Ever since that...that wonderfully confusing week he'd been friendlier. Kinder...less like a friend...
But I couldn't say what Rin was to me. It was frustrating that he made me so confused about him and-and, well, everything. When I swam with him, I wasn't haunted by the past or thinking about the future. It was just racing from one end of the pool to the other in hopes of beating him. And talking with him was just as great. I didn't need to think about how to act in front of others or what fish they were like. For a shark, Rin brought me up to the surface of a brighter, exciting world.
And those weird fantasies of brushing his bangs back from his face or something else seemingly creepy...Holding hands and such. Ugh...
But...
I changed the subject as Kiyoko, and I entered the girls' dorm. Our laughter echoed off of the stairway walls, silenced by a dorm neighbor passing by. We were happy for those few seconds...but...
Our door was nearly covered with red and black kanji, repeating the same message that I tried getting away from: "Stay away from Rin." Even the scraps of paper stuck underneath and before our room read the same thing. Right there for everyone to see...
"K-Kiyoko...-chan?"
She silently ran up to the door and unlocked it with nervous fingers. I heard her tumble to the ground inside, and when I raced to enter, I found her crawling toward the closet on the right. She unzipped one of her unpacked bags and pulled out a photo-a photo of her family. Unmarred and baring her large family's bright smiles.
"Kiyoko-chan..."
I hated myself at that moment. I loathed myself. All that time I was letting the bully attack me, and because of one event, I ended up pulling Kiyoko into the fray. I never considered that they'd go after her like that, threaten what was most precious to her.
Holding back cowardice tears, I slowly got down on my knees and folded over myself in a dogeza. Kiyoko was silent, but then she said to me, "Nanami-senpai, please get up."
"I'm so sorry, Kiyoko-chan," I said with a ragged tone. "I'm so sorry I got you involved."
"Na-Nanami-sen-"
"No. I know what you're going to say but I can't-"
Her hand settled on my right shoulder, and her soothing voice told me, "Please, senpai, get up."
I slowly obeyed. Kiyoko's eyes were glossy with premature tears, her lips thinning into an encouraging smile, but her tone firmed into something confidently sweet. "Senpai, I know things are tough, but you can't go through it all alone."
"You don't deserve to be brought into this, Kiyoko-chan," I countered childishly.
"Well, it doesn't look like I have much choice now, does it?" she replied.
A broken scoff shook my chest. My roommate stood up and offered her hand, and I hesitantly took it. She began picking up the scraps of threats cluttering the doorway, but as we finished, I turned to her.
"Why would you be so forgiving of this?"
"Well," she answered, "I remember my mother telling me many years ago that 'nothing great comes without difficulty,' so I was kinda prepared for anything."
"What's great about any of this?" I asked, motioning to the doorway.
"Our friendship, of course...Uhm, well, if I may be so bol-"
With a grin, I pulled her close to me into a big hug. She was frozen stiff with surprise, that little high school girl who smelled of daisies and had the strongest, purest heart of all. She was a kind little guppy who couldn't hug back right away. I knew it wasn't a proper thing to do, but she deserved much more praise for a freshman, much more than a crappy roommate like me. Before I let go, I could've sworn there was a ghost of a happily shy smile on her lips.
"Kiyoko-chan, thank you," I said. "Why don't you go on ahead while I clean up?"
"But what about practice?"
"You should get there first. Let the captain know that I'll be late so at least you won't be in trouble."
"But I can't let you do this all alone."
"I know, and I appreciate your effort. But for now, can you do this for me?"
She agreed after a little more coaxing. Later, when she was gone, I shut the door behind her and sat at the edge of my beg, slowly breaking down with a handful of the threats clutched in my hands, wishing that God could sweep me off the campus and somewhere else far away.
Chie scolded me in private when I arrived in the middle of practice. I wasn't sure if Kiyoko said anything about the door or the notes, but something about my solemn apology and curt bow seemed to throw her off balance. I knew I had tried to recompose myself, but I probably couldn't have fooled her. She left me in the locker room to change, but after that, I had half a mind to go. Finding more notes in my locker, getting into my swimsuit proved to be an emotional challenge. I desperately wanted to rip them to shreds and scream at the top of my lungs like a mad woman. Why couldn't they let their grudge go? I was already broken. What more did they want from me?
By the time I walked into the pool room, the boys were entering to do final stretches with the other group. In the back of their line came Rin and his roommate. Before Rin could see me, I looked away, joining my group in a far corner line. The girl in front of me peeked over their shoulder at me, expressionless but eyes flashing with fury. She must be one of the hard-core swimmers, I thought as I looked to the captains.
My body felt numb, somewhat hollow even after practice was over. I couldn't explain how I made it to the end of training and faced the captains to ask to stay after, but somehow they agreed, albeit with worry being plastered over by feigned reluctance on their faces. I didn't bother to ask about the keys. Immediately remembering what Rin told me that afternoon, I waited impatiently and frustratedly in the far corner of the pool room for the last person to leave. I cursed myself relentlessly while watching the sky fizzle from blue to pinkish orange. I once again earned myself another chance for the bully to target me.
A splash bounced off the cavernous walls and back to me. I turned, finding a familiar streak of flesh and red hair swimming toward me. With a hungry gasp, Rin resurfaced, pulling his goggles off to get a better look at me.
"So, you showed up," he said with an undertone of relief.
"Yeah..." is all I could manage to reply.
He jerked his chin toward the pool. "Then let's swim."
"I..."
Rin raised a brow. I looked away so that I wouldn't have to face his judgmental gaze. I just wanted to stay in my corner and soak in my misery.
"What's gotten into you?" he snapped.
"Nothin-"
"Then why are you sitting there? If you're not getting in, then there's no use for you to be in your suit."
Out of spite, I gave in, making my way to the diving boards. He watched me as I gave an exasperated motion. Then when I stepped onto the board, he swam back to me, climbed out and stood on the board beside mine.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm making you swim, idiot."
"You're not doing anything."
He grinned as if to say "Are you sure about that?". In response, I made an ugly face that suggested he shove it.
"C'mon," he said, and then dove into the pool.
Without a second to waste, I went in after him. The water felt colder on my skin, kissed my cheeks with icy lips that soothed me, ushering me to forget everything above the water and race Rin. I pushed up from the waters as I circled my arms, catching Rin ahead of me by a body's length. Forcing myself to swim faster only got me up to a head behind him, but I lost most of my strength in the process. The spark I had when swimming faded, and then I found myself running on panic. My body froze over in fear as I fought to stay calm, yet nothing could stop the frantic beating of my heart. Coming up for air I choked on chlorine-spiked water, then a gulp of it as Rin zoomed past me.
Struggling isn't going to help...what do I do? I screamed inside before making the turn.
Tears threatened to come as I pushed myself even more. Everything in me ached. Rin almost made it to the finishing point, and I hadn't even gotten half-way...
Then came her voice.
"Nana-chan," Mother called to me. "My darling little girl, why don't you look at me?"
She's not there! I snapped at myself. It's all in my head, it's all in my head!
"Nanami...Nanami, please..."
"NO!"
My body nearly slammed into the wall as I abruptly jumped up, onto my feet. A shrill voice echoed off the walls-my voice, my scream that escaped me. I stared down at the rippling reflection of a girl who looked like me, but her cheeks were hollowing and eyes blood-shot and puffy as she tugged off her goggles. I tried focusing on the sound of the calming waters, yet I couldn't stop staring at the image below me of that hauntingly similar girl. There was no denying that was me, but I didn't want to admit it. No, it's not me. I'm... I was a hollow being, a simple, abandoned little shell at the bottom of the ocean and not a girl with too many issues and without a clue as to what she wanted to do with her future anymore. It was easier to pretend because I wouldn't have to face any problems in my imagination, but the illusion faded as the image disappeared into the chest of someone else.
Rin gripped me by the shoulders and shook me, his touch alone enough to bring me back to reality. Those weird fantasies suddenly came true, rendering me speechless and tingling all over. I looked up with a jolt in my heart, it's pace quickening as I focused on his eyes. He said something unregistered to me either by the water in my ears or the mental fog that hovered around me. I figured if I stared into his eyes long enough I was able to snap out of it. Maybe it wasn't a spell. Maybe he was some kind of rock, his hands an anchor to steady me, his gaze a beacon in the night to help me back to shore.
"Nanami-chan, answer me!" he yelled, shaking me hard enough to throw out my neck.
I blinked away the fog, sending something warm down my cheeks. Rin stared in frustration at me as if waiting for me to say something. At first, I couldn't get anything to come out, not when he was still gripping me with his intoxicating touch. He paralyzed me at the same time he filled me with a sense of hope, of purpose. Like he could save me from the earlier pain and drown me in this odd feeling all at once.
"Rin-kun," I said softly. "Please...can we stay like this a little longer?"
"I-what?" You're not making any se-sense."
I felt one hand lift off my shoulder and my head started spinning again in anxiety. I needed that anchor to keep me down into my body. Ready to protest, I began to open my mouth but paused to the touch of that hand elevating my chin. His look shocked me out of my fog.
"Do you need to see the nurse or something?"
"No..."
"Then what's going on?! You're not like your usual annoying self."
Whether it was an attempt to tease me or just make a snide comment, I still managed a small smile for him. With a deep exhale, I lifted his hands off of me and told him, "Just...give me a minute...okay?"
I didn't wait for him to respond as I climbed out and sat against the wall before the locker rooms. A few deep breaths and some stretches later, I was able to face Rin, but he stayed floating in his lane even as I dove off the boards. With no contest to race, I just swam, letting the waves of the water around me wash away the earlier moment between Rin and I. There were no sounds to hear, not even Mother's voice to beckon me to another breaking point, only the hum of the water in my ears. Swimming back to Rin, I couldn't help but fall prey to the pool's lull, its tranquil call. The evening sun cast a light onto the water that reflected on to the ceiling as I slowed to a float face side up. It was like I was back in the caverns again that I used to swim in, except the view above had a new outlook, an entirely different story to what that room held; it's warping, silver-ish squiggles trying to form into words. I wanted to decipher those lines up above, but something fleshy and cold against my fingertips stole my attention. Rin turned to me at the same time I did to him wearing a similar look of surprise.
He mumbled an apology as he drew his hand back from underneath the lane buoys.
"Rin-kun...?" I called out softly.
His voice came like a rumble in the waves. "What?"
"Can...can you still hear him?" I nearly whispered.
He didn't respond. I looked at him to answer, but his expression was hard to see when he drifted in the opposite direction.
"No..."
I thought I imagined that response, but then he added, "Why?"
"Things...it's complicated...but when everything slips through my fingers she..."
The disappointment of Rin not understanding my problem forced me to stop talking, and his tone wasn't as convincing as I thought it to be. Maybe he did hear his father when he swam, and Rin didn't care to admit it, or maybe he did tell the truth. Either way, I felt like a lunatic to tell him. It felt like some sort of sense of responsibility; like I owed him an explanation for my behavior. Thankfully, he didn't treat me any differently.
"You have to ignore her and everything else, otherwise you lose the race. Simple as that," Rin told me.
"Most of the time that works. But she...she doesn't stop."
"Then what do you think will help you?"
That time he turned to me, drifting closer as my body tugged toward the buoys beside him with the water. I thought about it, unsure of how to tell him without sounding any more crazier than I already had.
"Maybe," I answered, "if I have somebody I want to swim with."
"Who...is that?"
I pursed my lips closed, afraid of how he'd take the answer, afraid of his kindness that healed me to the core. What will you think of me if I say it's you? How will you take it if I admit it? How can I tell you? Should I...?
I felt too anxious, and the moment was slipping away, so I repeated the only thing I could think of.
"Can we...stay like this just a bit longer?"
My hand drifted back under the buoys. To my excitement, Rin quietly brushed my hand with his, the impression of his rough fingers entwining with my own.
"Whatever you need."
"Thank you,...Rin-kun."
I walked back to my dorms alone after Rin insisted on locking up by himself. Kiyoko distracted me from my lingering thoughts on him, his hand that almost held mine, his gaze that flipped my world upside down, but I forced my thoughts back to my homework as the outside lights turned on for the dark evening.
As I flipped through my science textbook, Kiyoko was about to leave for the library when she said to me, "Senpai, there's a note by the door for you."
My heart skipped a beat at the thought of the bully ruining my evening crossed my mind. Kiyoko was surprised, not shocked, so I calmed some and opened the folded piece of notebook paper she handed to me.
"Meet me at the pool. We need to talk," it read.
"Is it from Matsuoka-senpai?" Kiyoko said with a slight smile.
"Y-yeah...I gotta go. I'll see you later, Kiyoko-chan," I answered.
I walked out the door in my plaid p.j. pants and my windbreaker. An icy fist curled around my heart, the beginning of a panic attack most likely, but I shoved my fears down. I needed to be relaxed in that situation, even if everything was falling apart.
I lied to Kiyoko-the letter wasn't from Rin. His handwriting was so much different than the one on paper in my hands.
I was going to the natatorium to face the bully.
