"I know this place."
"Yeah?" asked Fin, taking a sip from his paper coffee cup and breathing steam into the cold mid-Autumn air as he sat with Olivia outside the 16th precinct.
"It's a part of me…." she said quietly, her browns knitting lightly as she drank in the building and took slow breaths, "… it's more than just a place of work."
"Huh, you remembering more?"
"It's hard to explain. There're no details. It's more feeling than anything. I couldn't tell you about the last time I was here or what I did, or probably remember the names of the people I see every day. I just know that this place is familiar. I belong here."
"I'm not sure you wanna be so hasty in remembering the last time you were here. It wasn't pretty. You got shot and taken out under blue lights and sirens."
"Oh so now you want to start volunteering details?" she smiled, turning to him and wondering just how much she could prise from his reluctant palms. "You got any more story time in you Odafin?"
She'd caught him out and he couldn't help but smile. It felt good to be around her, even if it was a constant struggle to keep himself in check and not reveal more than he ought. There were no clearly defined lines and it filled him with a quiet dread if he thought too long on how much she had still to remember. She might have remembered SVU and feel a sense of belonging but there had been no signs as of yet that she remembered any details of her lineage, beyond knowing that Serena had passed. There was so much history held within the walls of the 16th precinct and she had only as yet scratched the surface.
"That's against the rules remember, doctor's orders."
"Because you're such a fan of authority figures and conformity?" said Olivia drily, then quietly asked herself where that had come from. She knew Fin better than she realised.
"You get too involved. They're more than just cases to you, they're people and you take them into your heart. Every single one."
"That sounds exhausting."
"Humph…." replied Fin, starting at her perplexed and wondering what to say. "It is."
"You and Elliot have been partners a long time, over a decade. You spend all day every together working cases and you're a good team. You're close. You've gotten closer over the years. He's an asshole but you balance him out."
"Why don't you like him?" she asked, openly, innocently, but not giving him the space to avoid the question. "Because you don't, that much is pretty clear. Do you two don't see eye to eye on the job?"
"Stabler and I rarely see eye to eye on anything."
"But it's personal too, right?" she noted, and he flinched. She had struck a nerve.
"Nah, nah it's not personal. We're just different, he's alright really. He's not a bad person, not at the core."
"Yeah?" something about the way she looked at him, something in her eyes, told him that whatever he answered carried more weight than he had ever realised.
"Elliot Stabler is a lot of things, but ultimately he's a decent guy. He never stops trying to do the right thing, and that's all anyone can ask of a person right? He's not perfect, but who the hell is. We spar, we throw our weight around but he's a good detective and on balance I'd rather have him around as not."
"He married young, right?"
"He was military, Marine Corps. I think he got out when Kathy had Maureen but don't quote me. Yeah, yeah they were young but they're Catholic. Like I said, always trying to do the right thing."
"They happy?" two words, loaded. He was about to answer unthinkingly and then hesitated, remembering just who he was talking to.
"Nah, nah you ain't catching me in that. I'm not commenting on Stabler's marriage. That's too far, Benson."
"You must've heard him talking through, noticed things given how much time you two spend together. They've got five children, one still so young. He never mention problems at home?"
"What're you really asking me here Liv?" something was off, something didn't stack up. For someone that supposedly didn't remember anything there was a heat in her eyes, an intensity that betrayed her. "And why are you so interested?"
"I'm not, no, just trying to figure out all the….." taking a sip of coffee and then cursing under her breath as it burned her tongue, and seared her throat on the way down she swallowed, "… work dynamics. That's all."
"You wanna go inside?" he offered, finishing his drink and getting up from the bench. "See for yourself?"
"I can't face it, not yet. Everyone starting at me. I hate the feeling that they know more than I do. I'll get there, but I'm not there yet."
"Well I should clock in before Munch has my ass for leaving him on his own again."
"What you said earlier about meeting your son? About Thanksgiving?"
"You thought about it?" asked Fin. It came in waves still, he realised, hearing her talking about meeting Ken who she had known for years.
"I'd really like to join you guys if the offer's still on the table."
"Absolutely….." he nodded, and then added with a grin, "… you can bring dessert."
"You hanging in there?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Thanks for coming with me by the way."
"Sure, of course. I mean I'm not sure I'm actual of any practical use. I could write what I know about pregnancy on a stamp but I'm here for as long as you want me to be."
"I know I should've told him I was coming here, that this was happening today…." taking the hair tie from around her wrist Olivia pulled her hair from her face and tied it loosely, throwing Casey a reluctant glance, "… the father I mean."
"So in the spirit of full disclosure I should probably tell you that I know you're talking about Stabler." Ever the lawyer Casey Novak swung on leg over the opposite and clasped her hands in her lap and maintained a fixed expression.
"What?" mildly panicked, more because she was unsure as to what the implications of Casey knowing would be. She had learned to tread on egg shells, to live in the shadows trying figure out who knew what, and what she ought to know but couldn't remember. The layers of complexity were exhausting.
"Don't be mad at him, he just needed an outlet. He's can get pretty tightly wound and none of this has been easy on him either."
"So he told you?" it was strange, though Olivia to herself, that she wasn't entirely sure whether she ought to be heartened or maddened by this discovery.
"You know you can say a lot of things about Elliot Stabler but he loves his kids. Deeply. If you'd told him this scan was happening he'd have run through fire to get here."
"I know that."
"So….." tested Casey, dusk pink lips forming a careful circle as she read Olivia's expression, "… oh, oh I see."
"You can judge me all you want Casey but I'm just feeling my way in the dark here. I can barely tell which way is up let alone which is the lesser evil. I'm pregnant to a man I don't remember having a relationship with, not really, only tiny pieces. I'm pregnant with a child I can't remember conceiving. Not just in a vague oh I wonder which specific night it is way. I fundamentally cannot remember the last time I had sex or who it was with. I'm going on his word and my gut that it's his."
"Liv I can't even imagine..." reaching for Olivia's hand Casey gave it a tight squeeze, a gesture that carried more weight than words ever could have in that moment.
"There isn't a single thing in my life right now that I have any control over."
"You have control over this." Said Casey firmly, steadfast in her belief. "You have control over your own body, regardless of what has happened up until this point."
"Even if I don't remember what that is? Even if I don't remember what happened to get me, to get us, here?"
"Even if."
"I could make a terrible mistake. What happens if I make a choice that feels right now and then tomorrow I remember everything and have to live the rest of my life regretting it? Elliot said I want this baby more than anything."
"He had no right to tell you that."
"Didn't he? Doesn't he?" asked Olivia, but it was clear the question was rhetorical. "I'm not so sure the normal lines of rights and wrongs apply here."
"This whole thing is confusing enough for you without him trying to tell you what you do and don't want, what you should and shouldn't think. If you don't remember it for yourself then what does it matter? You have to do the right thing for the person you are right now. Or by the time you regain your memory you may well have lost your mind."
"Something tells me that you're going to tell him that to his face next time you see him."
"Damn right I will."
"Even if I did want to keep this baby what kind of mother would I be right now? I haven't the first clue what I'm doing with my own life, it seems madness to put me in charge of someone else's. I couldn't do this even if I wanted to."
"You could."
"Do you really believe that?" asked Olivia, her tan skin radiant in the low slung sun. She was beautiful, thought Casey, even in all her pain. Maybe more so because of it. She had a bewitching capacity to be both impossibly strong and incredibly vulnerable.
"I believe that Olivia Benson can do just about anything. You will remember, Liv. I honestly believe that. Not just from talking to the doctors but because I know you. You've never once backed down from a fight, never walked away from something you believed in, never given up because things got tough. You'll come back from this stronger than ever."
"It's hard to know what I believe in right now."
"So trust your gut, to my knowledge it's never failed you yet."
"Really?"
"I mean it's gotten you into trouble a few times sure…." then sensing this was neither the time to tease, nor to head too far down memory lane Casey flashed an encouraging smile. "Besides, total idiots raise perfectly normal well-adjusted babies every day. It can't be that hard."
"Okay, you almost had me convinced…."
"I'm kidding…." said Casey with a dry smile, "… kind of."
"Something tells me Casey Novak is someone I want on my side."
"I am on your side, Liv, for sure. You should know though that I'm on his side too. I won't paint Stabler as the devil in this even if some others around you will. He's not perfect but he's a good guy, and he's my friend."
"I'm not naïve Casey. I'm not a victim in this, not by a long way. I might not remember exactly how I got into this but I don't doubt that it was with both eyes open. I know how I feel around him. I can't imagine I took much persuading."
"How you still feel around him?" asked Casey, and although Olivia was saved from answering by the midwife's arrival her eyes had already betrayed her.
"Ryan, Ryan, hey buddy come here!"
"Freeze!"
"Move, move, Olivia! On my God, no, no…"
"It's okay, I'm okay, go Elliot, go I'm fine. Go!"
Sitting bolt upright in bed Olivia clutched at her neck, then, as her muscles relaxed and her heart rate slowed she realised she was awake. It wasn't real. Only it was. Following the technique that the therapist had taught her she listed things that she could see, things that she could smell, things that she could touch. Yet as one hand clutched at the comforter, the ribbon of her PJs, and the wood of her nightstand the other remained at her neck. She traced over and over the skin where the knife had cut, where it had left a wound. The wound was reopen, she had been back there. She had seen the terror in Elliot's eyes. The abject fear of losing her. The inability to imagine life without her.
"Have you got something you wanna say to me? Cuz if you do, let's hear it."
"Why didn't you shoot Gitano?"
"He was using the child as a shield."
"How could you let him get so close to you?"
"There were innocent civilians around. I couldn't get a shot."
"Well he got close and Ryan's dead. So this is my fault?"
"No, I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay."
"You son of a bitch. You know that's not true."
"I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to your rescue."
"All right, that's enough. Knock it off. Now, in case you've forgotten, there's still a little girl out there with a psycho, if we're lucky and he hasn't already slit her throat. I have to say this again to you, you're both suspended. Now get your asses down to the morgue. Warner's got something to show you."
Sitting upright in the bed she drew her knees into her chest and the comforter around her shoulders. Breathing quietly in the darkness she hugged herself tight, but didn't cry. This wasn't upset she was feeling, this wasn't sadness. It was joy, a tentative, shaky joy. Reaching for her cell phone she hesitated over the buttons, rubbing her thumb back and forth and hesitating. She wanted more; she had the taste for it. Falling back against the pillow she inhaled and exhaled slowly. Don't force it, don't clench up, and don't lock down. Don't frighten it away. Breathe.
"If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it, I know you would have taken the shot, Olivia."
"No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?"
"I don't know. Just couldn't get that boy out of my head."
"What about me?"
"Look, we both chose each other over the job. I'll never let that happen again. Otherwise we can't be partners."
"I can't believe you're saying that."
"You and this job are the only things I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that. I couldn't take it."
Inhaling slowly, deeply, she opened her eyes and fished around under the covers for her phone. She ignored the clock showing past one thirty in the morning. She typed before she lost her nerve. "I know it's late and I'm sorry. But can you come over? I need to see you. Liv x"
"Hi."
"Hey…." she swallowed, shaky with the release of twenty five minutes anticipation. "You didn't reply. I didn't know if you'd come."
"I was driving. I got in the car as soon as I saw your message."
"Right…." she said quietly. The way he looked at her, the way he had come without question or hesitation took her breath away.
"You shouldn't text and drive."
"Yes, yeah that's very…." holding his gaze fixed she whispered, "… admirable of you."
"You okay?" he asked, breathing their eyes to look her up and down for any visible signs of injury or distress. She was wearing his hoodie, which he knew but he suspected she did not. He had left it at her place the last time he had stayed over.
"Fine, yeah, I'm….." then shaking her head, moving a hand to her face she rubbed at her forehead and stopped talking.
"Liv?"
"Look if I do something can I just have you trust me for a second and not freak out?"
"Do something?" he asked, lifting a bush brow and flashing a mischief smile that only confirmed she was doing exactly the right thing. "Liv you're acting kind of strange."
"I know. I can see that it would seem that way. Like I say that's why I need to trust that I'm not losing my mind. In fact, actually, for the first time since all of this happened I actually feel like I might be thinking clearly."
"Okay I…." he began, but before he could continue she was pressed up against him. Her chest against his chest, her left hand on his neck, her right hand touching lightly at his cheek as she leant up and pressed her lips firmly against his.
"Don't freak out…." she repeated, at a murmur, her mouth warm on his as he slowly parted his lips and relaxed into a long, tender kiss that awakened embers in both of them to sparks that could relight a full blaze.
"I'm freaking out a little bit here, not gonna lie….." he said finally, once they had naturally parted. He held her still though, both arms tightly around her, as though he might never let go.
"I think that Cragen should've stopped us being partners a long time ago. Probably around the time you saved me instead of Ryan."
"Oh my….." swallowing so hard he almost choked Elliot stood back, staggered almost, "…. God, Liv, you remember?"
"I remember that. Not anything else. Not yet. Sometimes I dream things and I know they're not real but sometimes…."
"You know they are?" he said, but he wasn't really asking a question. "As I cop I made a mistake that day but I'd do it over again in a heartbeat. I don't regret it."
"Like I said….." she was smiling now, and it lit up his world, "…. terrible partners."
"We were epic partners, Benson. We still are."
"Oh we can never be partners again on the job. If you couldn't keep your professional head when I was just a possibility I'm pretty sure you'd be terrible around me and your baby."
"You were more than just a possibility to me Liv even then, you were….." then replaying her words in his mind his face fell, his eyes widened, "… wait what did you just say?"
"That we can't be partners anymore?"
"You called it a baby…." he spoke gruffly, quietly, hopefully, "… is it gonna be a baby?"
"Don't get me wrong I've had doubts, I still have some. I am not in a good place right now. I went for a scan today, though, and the baby is doing great. It's healthy; it's all the things it's supposed to be. It wasn't rainbows and butterflies. I didn't fall in love with the black and white kidney bean like they do in movies. I didn't really feel anything if I'm totally honest."
"But it's healthy?" and then more important to him Elliot added, "And you are? Healthy?"
"We're both doing just fine."
"And….." he daren't speak, he wasn't entirely sure of his line.
"I didn't feel anything watching the sonogram but I felt something just now. I meant what I said that day, you were wrong. I would never have taken that shot. I was in love with you."
"I think we were both already further into this thing at that point then we were ready to admit."
"Elliot I haven't a clue what I'm doing here but all I know is that what I feel for you is the single strongest, most real thing in my life right now. I trust in it. I trust you. I know that you want me to keep this baby and I trust you when you tell me that it's the right thing for me too. That it's the right thing for us."
