Geek Love Chapter 7: In Which Edward Has An Epiphany
A myriad of responses went through my mind, but when I considered saying any one of them out loud, I cringed knowing what Jasper's response to each one would be. He would tell me I had nothing. In a way he was right. I had no single conversation with Bella that had let me know she wasn't interested—just eighteen months of small things. I guess you could say I just knew.
With a sigh, I rose, motioning for Jasper to help me carry Bella to the bed—I clearly wasn't getting her home tonight.
"Jasper, it's...complicated."
He snorted. "Oh yeah? Is it...complicated...little bro, or are you just making it like that?"
Grunting as I picked up Bella by her legs, Jasper taking her under the arms, we began moving her into the bedroom. She wasn't that heavy—probably one-twenty, tops—but it was just awkward.
"You'd think with my years of working for the Mob, I'd have figured out how to move a dead body more gracefully."
"Jasper, you never worked for the Mob."
"Well...OK, but I played that game on Facebook a lot."
I laughed. He was such a dork.
"So, back to you and Miss UX here...why are you making it all angsty and complicated Edward?
"I'm not. Seriously, why the hell would I do that? I'd love it if she felt like I did."
"Uh huh. Sure. You never overcomplicate things, kiddo." Snorting, he continued, "I have one word for you: Tanya."
Oh Jesus. Was he serious? "Fuck you Jasper, you know she was weird. All possessive, and clingy. No-one could handle her. Besides, wasn't she a little...strange...looking?"
Jasper rolled his eyes at me, grunting as we heaved Bella on to my bed. "OK then, Jessica."
"For fuck's sake Jasper, why are you bringing up all my old girlfriends?"
"I'm making a point, Edward."
"OK, what about Jessica?"
"Why'd you break up with her?
I pulled the covers back on one side of bed, and Jasper helped me roll Bella so she was under them. What the hell, was she three years old? How could she sleep through all this? Guess the alcohol was still hitting her harder than it looked. Turning out the lights, adjusting the bedding, and grabbing my own pajamas were my delay tactic, but eventually I had to answer him.
"I can't tell you."
"Why the hell not?"
"Because, Jasper, I'm a gentleman—and a gentleman doesn't tell tales."
"Whatever. So it was a 'sex' thing?"
Walking out of the bedroom, I shut the door behind us.
"Yes," I sighed, exasperated, "it was a 'sex' thing." I could feel heat rising up my cheeks, reaching my ears. I knew he wouldn't let it go, so I ripped off the Band Aid..."She had wonky nipples."
Jasper did exactly what I expected him to do. He burst out laughing. "You broke up with a girl because she had 'wonky nipples', and you don't think you have an issue with over-complicating relationships?"
"Jasper, they weren't just a little wonky. They were...alien wonky. They pointed in completely different directions. It was like a chameleon looking at you—only one focused on you at a time. Gave me the heebeejeebies. Plus she made this noise when we had sex...like she was asking me a question over and over. It made me feel rude for not answering her. Having sex with her felt like too much social pressure."
"OK, so what would you do if Bella threw herself on you tonight?"
"Hope she didn't puke on me again."
He rolled his eyes and smacked me—gently for Jasper—in the back of the head. "OK, fine...what if she did it tomorrow night? No alcohol. She comes up all sexy-sexy geek girl," he walked up to me, doing what he clearly thought was a sexy girl move, rubbing on my thigh, cupping imaginary boobs, fluttering his eyelashes, "and asks you to do the big nasty. Do you do it?"
"Are you fucking stupid? Or have you not been paying attention?"
"That's a yes?"
"Yes! That's a yes. Jesus, Jasper."
"Even though she upchucked all over you tonight?"
"Yes."
"So, wonky nipples trumps vomit on the wood-softener scale?"
"This is ridiculous Jasper. What's your point?"
"Bear with me. OK, so you're down with the whole vomit thing, that's cool. Now tell me, what happens if you're all up in her stuff, you get to second base, pull up her shirt, get into the goods, and realize...oh shit!...Bella has wonky-ass alien nipples. Or a third nipple. Or no fucking nipples. What do you do?"
"I wouldn't care."
"Why?"
"Because...I don't know...because it's Bella. She's...different. It's not like that—I mean, I want her, but I don't just want her like that, you know? That's not what it's about. It's...more than that."
Jasper was silent for a moment, just staring at me. When he spoke, he sounded incredulous.
"Holy mother-of-the-bride, you are the single most socially ass-tarded person I've ever met. For fuck's sake Edward, is that your way of telling me you're in love with her?"
My brain went silent. My hands went cold. It was like a black hole opened up in my head and I was momentarily sucked into the swirling vortex of terror. Why hadn't I even thought of it before? I was so focused on having an unrequited crush on her, it hadn't occurred to me that I was actually in love with Bella.
In twenty-six years I hadn't actually been in love before—not for real. I had a girlfriend in high school I had exchanged "I love you's" with, but I realized later that was just...expectation. Jasper was right though, my feelings for Bella went beyond anything I'd had for anyone else before. If I, the master of excuses for being alone, could still want her after all this time, that was the only answer.
Fuck.
"Oh, Eddie, you poor bastard," Jasper laughed, not without sympathy, "you didn't even realize it, did you?"
I walked over to the arm chair and sat—no, collapsed—into it. Words wouldn't form. He would just have to take my silence for agreement.
I have no idea how long I stared at the coffee table, my mind a maelstrom of questions, thoughts, observations. Eventually my attention was grabbed by the sounds of sex coming from the TV again. On the screen, two women were making out on a bed, grinding against each other, moaning and panting. A close-up camera shot left absolutely nothing to the imagination. Jasper lay back on the sofa, arm propped behind his head, remote in his left hand.
"It doesn't change anything," I said quietly.
"Like hell it doesn't. You're an idiot if you think otherwise."
"She doesn't feel the same–"
"Edward. Have I mentioned you're socially retarded? She feels...something. I have no idea what it is, but I can promise you that even if she's not on the exact same page as you, you're somewhere in the same chapter. Ya know?"
Sighing, I realized that my heart ached...it actually physically hurt.
"She said she doesn't want to go out with anyone she works with."
"When did she say that?"
"A few days ago."
"Then get a new job."
"Not helpful, Jasper."
"Edward, if you love her, it's worth it. But if you're going to be such a fucking pussy about it, then be my guest. Go ahead—keep moping around and jerking off thinking about her when you could have the real thing. How long has it been like this, by the way?"
"Um...a few months." Ducking my head, I added quietly, "Eighteen or so."
He gaped at me. "Jesus, get the fuck out of here. Really? You, my little brother, rate a fifteen on the fail scale. And it only goes to eleven."
His head shook in disbelief. "Why haven't I heard about this? I mean, I've heard about her as someone you're friends with at work, but Edward, you and I are close. You and Bella are close. Were you...I mean...it's like you were...Oh my God...you were! You were hiding her. Why? Why the fuck would you do that?"
"Jasper, I didn't hide it from you on purpose. It's not like Bella and I see each other much outside of work." Sighing, I tried to formulate the words adequately. "I thought, at first, that it was just a little crush. Honestly, until about ten minutes ago I thought it had just turned into a big crush. But she's made it clear where she stands on this, and, honestly, it sorta hurts to talk about it. So I just haven't."
"Lil' bro, what the fuck has she said that's so clear to you?"
"Big bro, don't you think that in eighteen months, I would have seen some sign she was interested, if that were the case?"
"Ye-e-es..." he said thoughtfully, "unless she's as socially retarded as you are. Think about it, could she say the same about you, Edward? If I woke her up right now and asked her if you were interested in her, would she say the same thing? Would she tell me that you haven't put out any signals for eighteen fucking months, so you must not be interested?"
Ho-ly shit. Slap my ass and call me Self Involved, I hadn't even thought about it that way. Maybe I really did play my cards so close to my chest she had never seen a hint of them.
"Edward, you need help. I gotta think about this. Don't worry kid, we'll fix it. But right now, go climb in bed with your girlfriend in there, and leave me alone so I can watch my quality programming. After all this hormonal angst I need to hand-crank the one-eyed yogurt thrower."
My jaw dropped as I processed what he was saying. How could he be so cavalier about–
"Oh, don't look at me like that—your couch and I are practically married now. You're just lucky it can't get pregnant."
I shuddered, visibly. "You're disgusting, you know that?"
"I'm also your best friend, and you don't deserve me."
He was right. Again. "Night, Jasper."
Going into the bathroom to put my pajamas on, I contemplated what lay ahead of me. I either had to share the bed with Bella, or the couch with Jerk-off Jasper. Very little debate happened over which I would choose, but the thought of spending the night in bed with Bella was...torturous. I was half-way hard just thinking about it. Holy Papa Smurf, I was goanna end up with the worst case of blue balls ever by morning.
Walking into my bedroom, I noticed she had turned the bedside lamp on. She had also—Jesus fuck—taken off some of her clothes. She was lying on my bed wearing just a t-shirt and panties, her bra and pants thrown haphazardly on the floor. Her pink t-shirt looked almost red in the dim lighting, the bold black lettering matching her black panties exactly.
Bella was obviously a sleep-kicker, the blankets showed clear evidence of being pounded to a pulp in the past hour. Then I noticed her panties had writing on them. Oh, crap. There was no way I couldn't look at them. Not because I'm pervy—though I undoubtedly am that—but because I'm insatiably curious. I had to know what they said.
I decided a quick swoop-and-read was the best tactic. I didn't want to get caught staring at her–Fuck! Stop thinking about that! The only thing worse than getting caught staring at any part of her, is getting caught staring at her with a massive erection.
OK, maybe not 'massive'.
Swooping in I quickly scanned the alluring article of clothing.
Warranty
Void if removed
Like on a laptop motherboard. Cute. Fucking cute. Goddammit she was ridiculously cute.
Stepping back into the bathroom to brush my teeth, I noticed the sink was wet. So was my toothbrush. Bella must have used my toothbrush.
Bella had used my toothbrush.
I actually laughed out loud. For some reason that stupid act made my heart soar. Intellectually I knew I should be grossed out by it, but I wasn't. All I could think was that she felt close enough to me to do that. Well, that and she was weird enough to do it, without bothering to ask if I had a spare one handy—which I did.
I was so fucked. If any—and I do mean any—of my previous girlfriends had done that, I would have found that to be more than enough cause to break up with them. With Bella, I found it endearing. Adorable.
Gah! Totally screwed.
After quickly brushing my teeth, I turned out the lights, and headed to the bed. Climbing in, I took a minute to rearrange the bedding over Bella, before laying back on the far side of the bed to try to sleep. To ignore the beautiful body laying next to me.
Like I said...to ignore the...
Ignore it Edward!
Ig-nore.
La la la la la...sheep. Count sheep. One. Two. Three. Four. I hate sheep. Dammit!
"Medward?" Bella's very quiet, very sleepy voice mumbled my name.
"Yeah?"
She rolled over towards me, laying on her side. Reaching an arm up and across me, her fingers ran through my hair before her hand slumped down, settling on my shoulder. Right arm flung across my chest, the warmth of her body radiated up my side. The warmth of my hormones radiated somewhere else entirely.
"G'night," she mumbled, very—oh!—close to my ear.
"Night, Bella."
It was going to be a very, very long night.
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