Chapter 7: Even further consequences of the brilliant plan of brilliance

Verner von Doofyfoofy was now in the cold, dire, dry-skin grip of defeat. The titans had him duct-taped to a giant weasel named Morpheus Sebastian Humperdinck, and seeing that said weasel had just downed two barrels of Red Bull, it was quite the rodeo.

"CEASE THIS FOOLISH TOMFOOLERY OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!" said Verner for the 50th time in the exact same way he did the last 49 times. He decided to actually make them face said consequences, and he brought out a remote control.

"I have here," said Verner, "a remote control that can detonate five hundred thermonuclear warheads all over the world! I'll plunge this entire planet into perpetual radioactive winter unless you do exactly as I say!"

"Sorry," said Robin, "we can't hear you over our uproarious laughter."

"The guy says that he'll nuke the world if you don't follow his orders," pierced the high-pitched scream of Mr. Humperdinck the giant weasel.

"What proof does he have of that?" said Raven, but the she-broad spoke too soon. She saw a low-megaton mushroom cloud in the unpopulated distance. This guy means business, and not a mom-and-pop apple farming business taken over by Wal-Mart, I'm talkin' NUKIN' THE WORLD business!

"So," said Verner, "all you have to do is follow the arranged marriages I have set for you."
"AGAIN WITH THE MARRIAGES?" said the titans.

He whipped out a list that rolled out ten feet, which was weird because it only had five items (he writes big).

Arranged marriages:

Raven X Verner

Beast Boy X Five female walruses

Robin X Vera von Doofyfoofy (Verner's sister)

Starfire X Borat

Cyborg X The Internet

Five months later…

Mr. Humperdinck waltzed into the Titans Tower. Raven kept herself from going insane by knitting sweaters out of snakes. Only Beast Boy's hand was visible—the rest of him was under a pile of butt-ugly walruses. Robin was trying to fend off Vera with a spatula as she tried to play "Antarctican Chess" with him (It's too disturbing to tell what it is on this website, but let's just say it involves a penguin, Ringo Starr, and a flamethrower). Borat was trying to get the "Tameranian Gypsy" out of her room—she'd locked herself in when she found out what "sexytime" was. As for Cyborg—well, he was quite content with his new wife, and they had two healthy baby girls.

"I have a confession to make," said Morpheus.

"Wa-wa-wee-wa, a talking weasel," said Borat. "Come, weasel! We'll make sandwiches out of you and your mother! HEY! GYPSY! COME OUT AND MEET THE TASTY THING THAT TALKS!"

"Anyway," said Morpheus, "I hate to tell you this, but that nuclear bomb that went off five months ago wasn't a nuclear bomb, but a SPAM-brand imitation nuclear bomb. I planted it, and I was in on the gag. There aren't any nukes planted."

"So…no gypsy sexytime?" said Borat, shortly before being punched in the face by the Titans in one swift synchronized move

"Well, then…" said Verner, "you'll just have to go through the…OVER-COMPLICATED AMERICAN DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS! DUN DUN DUN!"