Oh my God, this was a bitch to churn out. Updates will be slow, maybe monthly, because school is ending. That means projects, finals, and then getting a summer job. I may also be leaving for the summer, which means no posts all summer long. I do hope things don't turn out that way.
Anyway, I've been really sick, so I had to drag myself to the keyboard and then I was so slow I typed maybe a sentence every five minutes. Forgive me for the lateness of this. Really.
That bridge, again. That same wooden bridge spread over a lake blanketed in fog. And once again, I stood in the middle. No, not in the middle; I was closer to the other side. The wood of the bridge seemed less varnished, somehow, and several holes had appeared in the timber. The shadowed figure still stood at the side I'd come from, and it now waved a hand. "Hey, kid, nice to see you back."
"I can't say the same, since I can hardly see you." I squinted, but the shadows didn't recede. My feet were still unable to move toward the voice I was hearing.
"S'okay, ya don't need to see me. You do need to start walking, though. That way." My mysterious tour guide pointed toward the dark side of the bridge, the one I was standing nearer to.
"Why? I moved anyway. I'm fine where I am, thanks. You walk over there if you're so keen on it."
"I can't, I told you. I can't tell you why, I can't tell you who I am, I can't go with you. All I can do is tell you the way. And trust me, it's a lot easier if ya just start steppin'. You don't wanna just be moved."
"Excuse me if I don't believe you, but I'm fine right here." I couldn't believe how childish I was being. I sounded like a ten-year-old, telling their mother to 'make them' move. Nevertheless, I folded my arms across my chest and took an attitude stance.
"Whatever you say, Roxy. Just don't say I didn't warn ya!" The figure shrugged. "That bridge won't last forever. It's already breaking."
"Well, I don't care." I wasn't being logical, I knew. But I held on to my babyish self-righteousness.
"Roxy?"
"Wait, did you call me…"
"Roxy, are you waking up?"
"I don't know, you tell me!" I was becoming indignant, I knew, but I didn't understand anything that was happening, and no one was explaining it.
"Roxy, open your eyes, please, I-"
There were hands on my shoulders, shaking me gently, and a voice in my ear, one I could swear I'd just heard. "Roxas? You with me, man?"
Axel's bright red-spiked head bobbed above my face, bearing a relieved expression. "Yeah, Ax, what's the big idea?"
I found myself in a rib-cracking hug, Axel squeezing me like the world was ending. "I thought you weren't going to wake up. Don't do that!"
I couldn't help but notice how good he smelled. Spicy, but sweet, with a hint of soap and hair gel. I relaxed completely, boneless in the tight embrace. This was probably a bad idea, as Axel completely freaked out and dropped me. "No, no, no! Wake up!"
"I'm up, I'm up, okay?" I sat up as far as I could without hitting him, and gave Axel a sort of 'duh' face. "Chill out."
He looked dumbstruck, and then a little…angry? "Chill out? You have got to be fucking with me." Axel let out a deep sigh, and then ran a hand through his rampant spikes. "You passed out on me in the middle of the woods, you ask me not to tell anyone, I have to drive back here going ninety on a freeway looking backward the whole time, I carry you up here without anyone seeing, I skip class to stay here and make sure you woke up, and you want me to CHILL OUT?" With that, it seemed he'd exhausted himself. He collapsed into the visitor's chair, wincing as the thin cushion failed to protect his tailbone. His head lowered into his hands, and Axel let out a shaking sigh.
I didn't know it mattered to him that much, and I didn't want him to be this way. So I did the only thing I could think of. I got out of bed and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry. I…I didn't know that, that you did all that for me. I…" Words left me then, as I realized I was on the verge of tears. A choked squeak emerged as I tried to hold back any crying. "I…just…thank you. Nobody ever cared about me like that." I held on even tighter, placing my other arm around Axel's neck and squeezing hard. I was crying now, all the way, sobs and all. And Axel finally looked up, letting me see that he was crying too.
He was almost pretty when he was crying, not like me. I knew I was a snotty, red mess right now, but I didn't much care. There were tissues somewhere around here, but I didn't want to let go, so I groped around blindly behind my back. My fingers grazed a smooth, rigid corner. Bingo.
I dragged the box forward, finally holding it under Axel's face, in his field of vision. He took one and then proceeded to loudly blow his nose. "Geeze, Ax, real polite."
He discarded the used tissue onto the floor and let out a halfhearted laugh. "That's what you say when I'm blubberin' like an old lady over a soap?"
"Uh…" I had no idea what to do now. I'd said the wrong thing, I'd hurt his feelings somehow. Say something, anything. "I…you've never visited during the day before?"
This idiotic pronouncement drew an exaggerated guffaw from him, shoulders shaking and all. "Yeah, well, I've committed a crime for you now, I might as well."
The sun was up, glaring through the ugly green hospital curtains. I didn't want to stay inside and watch the day end, I inexorably desired to be part of it.
"Hey, Ax?" He snuffled, as though breathing was difficult. Which it probably was, considering all the crying. "Ax."
"Yeah?"
"You think Demyx is working today?"
We…well, I skipped to the elevator. It was so nice outside, and I had a friend here, and we were going somewhere. This wasn't a cause for great joy, but I couldn't help it. The ride in the small elevator car seemed to take longer than usual. My heels began bouncing up and down of their own accord, faster and faster until I thought I felt my eyes rattling in my head. Axel wasn't looking, reading the bulletin board at the back of the small space, but my rapid motions drew his attention. "Shit, Roxas, you okay? Snap out of it, man!" He moved as though he was going to shake me, but I laughed and slowed the bouncing to a small wiggle.
"I'm okay, that's just one of my habits."
"It looks like a seizure. Or like you're a giant Pop Rock or something."
"Pop rock? What's that?"
"Oh, God. You are deprived, kiddo." He reached out a hand to ruffle my hair, and for once in my life, I suffered through it. I hoped he knew how lucky he was that I wasn't trying to kill him. Not just anyone could touch my hair and live to tell about it.
The elevator car finally came to a halt, and the doors dinged and opened. I exhaled, happy to leave the dimly-lit, claustrophobia-inducing room.
I didn't need the arrows anymore to find my way around the hospital, but I glanced at the colored stripes on the white tile under my feet out of habit. The purple one led to the courtyard, the yellow to the cafeteria, the green to the front desk. Axel shuffled along behind me, each step brushing along the ground, casting a long, spiky shadow over mine. I followed the familiar way marked in purple, turning left at the waiting area, then right at the gift shop, until I faced the heavy glass door. Fresh air awaited me, and Axel, strangely silent since we exited the elevator, reached ahead to pull the door open.
"Hey! I'm not a girl, I can open a door!" I wasn't really offended, but a little curious about the sudden chivalry.
"Well, princess, wouldn't want ya busting a blood vessel on me." He flashed a grin, a real one this time. Apparently, referring to me as female made him happy.
"I am NOT a princess. I let you get away with calling me Roxy, but not…THAT."
"Sure, and you're also not going through this door anytime soon, are you." It was another one of those not-a-question questions, and I realized he was still holding the door open.
"Oh. Yeah. Door." I stepped through and into the courtyard, inhaling mulch and what I thought was the smell of life.
Whrrrr. I could hear the sound of a leaf blower roaring to life, though my vision was still obscured by a low-hanging fern. That meant Demyx was working, blowing nonexistent leaves off the concrete table in order to look like he was doing something.
Axel nearly skipped ahead of me this time, pouring over the ground like water to reach the center of the courtyard.
"Demy!"
"OOF!"
The blower sputtered and died. I could guess what had happened, but I moved forward to confirm that Axel had indeed tackled Demyx to the ground.
"Axey, you can't just jump me. I'm working! Why aren't you in class, anyway?" Demyx tried his hardest to seem angry as he brushed leaves from his hair, but he wanted to laugh.
"I took a day off! I came to see Roxy, and I couldn't just leave without saying hello." Axel said this like it was perfectly normal, and asking was stupid. I was almost suckered into the ruse, but I knew better. Apparently, so did Demyx.
"Axel Sebastian Sinclair. You are in nursing school. You need to be in class every day. You cannot just take a day off." He took an almost motherly posture, his left hand on his hip and his right wagging a finger in Axel's direction. Axel seemed to shrink, as though even his hair knew he was being scolded.
"Aww, Demy, but I brought you a present!"
"Oh, did you." The matronly demeanor was still there, but it was somewhat softened. "And what, may I ask, is this wonderful gift that will make me forget that I'm mad at you?"
"Close your eyes and hold out your hand." Demyx reluctantly complied, keeping one eye slightly open until Axel told him not to peek.
Then, Axel…uh, wait, is he about to…he laced his fingers with his beloved "Demy's"…and…holyshithe'sactuallygoingto…kissed him. The kind of kissing that got people in trouble. I mean, full-on, making out, there's-definitely-tongue-there kissing. Demyx's muscles relaxed, and he wrapped an arm around Axel's neck. Uhhh…I don't think I'm supposed to watch this kind of TV…
I heard rather than felt my jaw unhinge and hit the ground. People's jaws didn't really just drop, did they? Mine seemed to be doing its best to prove me wrong.
I knew Axel was gay…but with Demyx? He seemed about as straight as, well, me!
At this point in my internal monologue, the two people thrashing about like eels before me recalled that there was an impressionable teenager nearby. I must have looked like I was dying, but Axel didn't take much notice. Nor did he seem embarrassed, because his reaction was to wipe his mouth on his shirtsleeve and walk over to close my mouth for me.
"AXEL SEBASTIAN SINCLAIR!" Demyx, on the other hand, was spluttering indignantly. "You KNEW the kid was there, and you still…You probably scarred him for life!"
I don't think Demyx heard Axel whisper, "Hang on, Roxy, gotta do some damage control." Said redhead turned from me and stood with his arms open, the picture of contrition. "Demy, baby, I didn't mean to do that. I was just gonna kiss you a little, and then, well, you're a…really…good…kisser?"
This speech slowed to a halt when Demyx picked up the fallen leaf blower and began to walk menacingly toward Axel. "I. Do. Not. Care. Now you will go, or I will shove this leaf blower up your nose, and I will like it."
"Okay, Demy, don't do anything you'll regret…"Axel was now on the defensive, walking backwards with his hands up, as if to further prove that he was unarmed.
"It's okay, really!"
Both of the…lovers? Wow, weird thought…turned toward me. I then realized that I'd just said that. I was already involved, I might as well attempt to save a life. "I'm not scarred, just…surprised. You don't have to kill him with that. Or! With anything!" That last bit was said staccato as Axel shot me a terrified look. Apparently, he thought Demyx would find some other method to slaughter him. "So, uh, you can put that down, because you don't need to…uh…yeah." My face felt like the Sahara on a hot day, so I looked down at my feet to hide how embarrassed I was.
"Hmph. You're lucky I like this kid, Ax, or your hair would be waving goodbye to your skull right now." I saw, in my view of the ground, that Demyx had placed the blower by his side and now stood with his arms crossed. "So, kid, how's it going?" Demyx's stance became immediately less tense when he addressed me.
"Huh? Me? Uh, I'm okay, I guess. How are you?" This was easy. Basic question, basic answer.
"Could be better. SOMEONE just made me an accomplice to traumatizing a kid." That was accompanied by a pointed glare in Axel's direction. "But nothing's been too bad other than that."
"Look, I said I was sorry-"
"If the porcupine over there wants to keep his head, he'll shut up." Demyx's chin pointed toward me as he lifted his head in a mimicry of being haughty.
"Fine. If you won't talk to me…Roxy, come over here a sec." Axel crooked a finger toward himself and winked.
I kept an eye on Demyx, because I knew he was still angry, as I sidestepped over to Axel. "What?" I said out of the corner of my mouth.
Axel whispered his idea into my ear and handed me the required object, then gave me a push toward Demyx. The mullet-bedecked member of our little group narrowed his eyes in suspicion, but didn't seem to be dangerous when I approached him.
"Demyx, Axel is very, very sorry, but he wants to ask you a favor." I took a deep breath and held out the camera with my head down. "Would you please take some pictures for us? Of all of us?"
Demyx's eyes gentled as he realized that there was no trick. "Yeah, no problem. Give it to me." He accepted the proffered camera and began snapping photo after photo, occasionally jumping into the frame.
Axel and me sitting at the concrete table. Me squawking in protest as Axel tried to pick me up. Demyx with an arm slung casually around me, and Axel's hand making bunny ears behind both of us. Me, Axel and Demyx all squashed into one photo, smiling so hard we thought our faces would crack. Axel holding onto my hand as I tried to end the photo shoot and walk away.
These were the moments I had, the ones I could hold and keep. For this little while, I could hang on desperately to pictures and imagine myself back somewhere I felt was my home.
It was late afternoon, the orange glow of the setting sun spilling over the ugly green curtains. Axel had gone home, promising Demyx he'd definitely go to class tomorrow. I was sitting on my hospital bed in my pajamas, thinking about the day. I hadn't wanted to sit still and watch the day end, but even when I filled it up with my friends and having fun, I still had to see the sun go down.
My eyes burned, and I was freaked out to feel that I was crying. Scalding tears raced each other down my face, and even though I didn't know why I was crying, I couldn't make myself stop.
A knock sounded at my door, and I tried in vain to wipe my eyes on the rough sheets.
"Roxas? It's Aerith. Can I come in?"
Oh, great. I did the only thing I could think of: I ducked underneath the covers and pulled them up to my nose. Maybe she wouldn't see, and she wouldn't ask what was wrong. I couldn't answer that; I didn't know myself.
"Yeah, come on," I pronounced, the words a bit garbled by the sheet in front of my mouth.
The door opened wide, and Aerith's pink-clad figure strode into the room. "How are you feeling today, Roxas?" She was smiling as always, and I felt bad that I was probably about to make her worry.
"I'm okay." This too was muffled and hard to understand, and Aerith was too smart not to notice my odd situation.
"Roxas, I'm here to take your temperature and check your blood pressure before dinner, so if you could just come out from under there and-"
The jig was up, as the old men on crime drama shows liked to say. I let the sheet fall down to pool in my lap as I sat up. My red eyes and wet face didn't pass her inspection. "Oh, sweetie, what's wrong?"
Great, the worst possible question she could ask me. "I…I don't know. It just happened." I scrubbed at my eyes hard, trying to mask the tears still attempting to escape.
"Well, it's normal. You aren't in an easy situation right now. Crying is the least of your problems, okay? Don't be afraid to show me that." Aerith placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and peered up at me from her bent-over position near my bed. "Would you like a tissue?"
"Uh-huh." I took the proffered hospital Kleenex and wiped the tear tracks off my face. "Where's the thermometer?"
"Oh, it's out in the hall. You think you could stand one more visitor today?" A small, mischievous smirk twisted her lips, and I wondered who she meant.
"I guess I wouldn't mind."
Aerith's smirk turned into a soft smile, and she called out to the door, "Okay, you can come in now."
A vaguely familiar clomping of boots ensued, accompanied by a tall man in overalls and a gray t-shirt, who didn't seem to notice that the black spikes of his hair brushed the door frame. The man gave a congenial wave. "Heya, kiddo. How's it going?"
"Zack!"
"Yeah, good job, you remembered it! Run into any more people lately?"
"No! You ran into me!"
"Did not! You weren't looking where you were going!"
"Boys, behave!" This was from Aerith, whose eyes had bounced between me and Zack like tennis balls. "Honestly, Zackary, he is a teenager, but you are not. Be good."
"Aww, but I was having fun." Zack looked at Aerith with puppy dog eyes, silently trying to charm her into lenience. She ignored it, and held out a hand for the thermometer. "Well, lady keeps me on a tight leash. What can I say?" He shrugged, and placed the thermometer he carried into Aerith's hand.
"Zackary Fair. If you would act your age, instead of like a-" I hadn't seen Aerith annoyed this way yet, and it was a big switch from her usual gentleness.
"I know, I know. It's all my fault, you're right." Zack had his arms loosely around her waist as he softly singsonged apologies into Aerith's ear. "It's okay, I'm a big dummy, and I'm gonna be good, all right?"
She melted like butter. I had to get Zack to teach me that trick. This was on my mind while the thermometer did its work, beeping when it received an accurate temperature. Aerith reached for the device and pulled it from under my tongue, studying the digital panel on the side. "Hmmm. Ninety-nine point seven. It's a little high, but not enough to worry about. We'll check it again tomorrow and see." With a shrug, she stowed the thermometer in a pocket on her scrubs. "Zack, it's about time that Roxas here had his dinner and went to bed. He can't stay up too late in his condition."
Ha, if you knew how late I was up last night…
"Okay, I get the hint, I'm goin'. Bye, kiddo, nice seein' ya again. Get better, ya hear?" Zack drawled. He had a small country accent, I noticed, that came out when he spoke to me.
"Zackary, talk properly or don't." I guess Aerith didn't like it much.
"All right, all right, I'm leaving now. Nag me when we're at home." Zack departed quickly to avoid something he was sure Aerith was going to throw at him.
She didn't, though; she sat down on the edge of my bed and looked at me. "Are you sure there wasn't a reason you were crying earlier?"
"I don't know. I was just thinking…"
Axel and Demyx kissing. Zack and Aerith getting married. People on sitcoms raising families. The gas station attendant going home to his mother. Dr. Even picking out his wife's wedding band. Tifa meeting the right man, a UPS delivery guy. Some of it had happened. Some of it would someday. But I wouldn't have any of it. I wouldn't be able to hold it and say that those moments belonged to me. Never.
Before I knew it, I was crying again, making whimpering sounds that were like an old man breathing his last breath. "I'm sorry."
Aerith looked at me like she saw everything. She smiled at me a little, trying to hold something back. "What was it you were thinking of?"
God, I'm jealous of you. Of everyone who will carry on after I'm gone.
"There are some things…so many things…that I'll never understand."
"Oh, honey." And then Aerith was crying too, hugging me, getting her scrubs wet and I was just there, and for a second, I could pretend that this moment was mine.
I am aiming for this fic to be ten chapters plus an epilogue, so the end is nearing. Maybe for once I'll actually finish something! Yes!
Okay, so here's a little quiz for you, with a prize of your choosing.
In the manga and anime D. Gray-Man, what is the gatekeeper of the Black Order Headquarters' name?
To the victor, the decision of Roxy's first kiss. There are three options, but only the winner will know what they are. Do try to win, as I have to know for chapter eight to be put up!
I do love you all.
Also, this.
A new friend of mine, SisterWicked, has a policy that if you Story Alert or Favorite without reviewing, she will send you an angry PM.
I am considering the same policy. It's quite rude to stalk an author without saying hello.
Please review. Or I will shrivel up and die.
Swiss
