"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to move along a floor that was moving along with them. There were high points and low points, and sometimes, things pushed people back. Noah led his team to victory with his cunning and precision; and Tyler lost for his team with his two left feet. Oh, man, I seriously think that guy needs to find a new calling or something. But the excitement's just getting started for our fifteen remaining contestants. See who will go to make it fourteen right here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.
"So, who should open the door?" Cody asked as the team stared at the key.
"Obviously, I should," Harold said, "I'm the only person here who's tall."
"But I'm the only girl!" Beth argued, "So I should open it!"
"Uh, yeah," Noah said, "Only Oriental heritage. I win."
"No," Cody said, "I should because I'm the only person without an H in my name!"
"Well, this is an impasse," Beth said. The Sesquipedalian Brains looked helplessly at their key.
"Well," Noah said, "If Courtney were here, she would be tall, and a girl, and not have an H in her name, but would be of Occidental heritage."
"She's shorter than you are," Harold argued. "Besides, she's not here so that doesn't matter anymore!"
By this point, the Delicate Beauties, the Harsh Brawns, and the Valiant Braves were all getting incredibly impatient. LeShawna was rolling her eyes, Gwen was pouting, Izzy was rapidly tapping her foot, and Heather was sighing emphatically. Duncan shouted out, "Hurry up and decide already!"
"Gosh!" Harold shouted.
(In the confessional, Harold said, "Duncan just doesn't understand the nuances of the Sesquipedalian methodology.")
Eventually they just gave up and decided to let Harold open it. He walked in, followed by Noah, Cody, and Beth. Noah said, "I still think my logic was valid."
"Shut up about your logic," Heather said, "It doesn't even matter who opens the door."
"Says the team that has never won," Noah said.
"Shut up!" she yelled again.
(In the confessional, Heather said, "Apparently Gwen is a lucky charm or something. But me? What am I? Just another hapless victim of the Ezekiel Effect.")
"Welcome, explorers to the next level of the fortress," Chris said, "Do you see the key right here?" He pointed to a glass box with a padlock on it; the key was inside.
"It's locked in a box," Heather said, "How are we supposed to get the key if it's locked in a box?"
"Easy," Chris said, "You need to find the key to this box. Do you know where it is?"
"Locked in a box?" Noah asked. Cody laughed a little.
"Exactly!" Chris announced, causing both Noah and Cody to give each other confused glances.
"And how exactly are we supposed to unlock those keys?" Alejandro asked wearily.
"By finding the other keys that are locked in other boxes, silly!" Izzy answered.
"Nope," Chris said, "You get to solve a secret puzzle box! Now, I'm going to hand each of you a secret box that contains a working key for the box that the real key is in, and a toolbox, and a set of instructions. Braves, you guys have to use more tools than anyone else. Brawns, you don't get tools. Beauties, your instructions are very, very specific; one wrong move and you have to start over. Brains, you don't get instructions." Harold was very excited.
(In the confessional, Harold said, "It's nice to finally have a season where the challenges allow me to show off my mad skills. We are totally gonna make this work.")
"Now," Chris said, "Because the Brains are so smart, they get the hardest box to open. Then the Beauties, then the Braves, and then the Brawns."
"Alright," Heather whispered, "An advantage!"
"We shall take care not to ruin it," Alejandro responded.
"Okay," Noah said, "We have the hardest box to open and no guiding instructions. We're going to need to put all our heads together if we want to win this. Are you with me, Cody?"
"Absolutely, Professor!" he answered.
"Harold?"
"You can count on me to help!" he shouted.
"Beth?" Noah looked around and couldn't find Beth anywhere. "Beth?"
Beth had moved over to where Lindsay was; Lindsay was crying, and Beth was comforting her. "It's okay, Lindsay, he had to be eliminated eventually. Otherwise, you would have to be eliminated eventually."
"But Tyler didn't deserve to go," Lindsay said, crying. "Why couldn't it have been Jazzy or Oswald?"
"It's okay, Lindsay," Beth said, "It really is."
"Beth?" Cody asked, approaching her, "We're trying to solve a puzzle here."
"I'll be back in a minute," she said, brushing him off. She turned to Lindsay and began patting her shoulder.
(In the confessional, Lindsay cried, "Why is it always Tyler?")
"Okay," Alejandro said, "It says here to open the top with our bare hands."
"I'll do it," Duncan said, as he attempted to push the top to the right. He barely moved it an inch. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "Phew, this is harder than it looks!"
"You're just not doing it right," Heather insisted, pushing him over. She attempted to move the lid as well, but was also unable to do so. Alejandro giggled a little. Heather glared at him.
(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "Heather's so adorable when she's trying to be macho.")
Gwen's eyes widened when she took a look at the instructions. "There's no way that I can figure this out," she said, touching her head to indicate aching.
"Here," Trent said, taking them from her, "Let me do it. Oh, I see. Don't worry, guys! I'll walk you through this whole thing!"
"You're sure you know what you're doing?" LeShawna asked.
"Of course he is!" Sierra answered, "Trent's always been very meticulous! Did you know that every time he snores it's in patterns of seven?"
"Seven?" DJ asked, "I would have guessed ni…" Trent gave him a death glare. "I'll shut up."
"Okay," Trent said, "It appears that the first item on this list is to take the masking tape and put a 3 cm piece into the fourth from bottom second from right slot."
"That's this one!" LeShawna said, pointing to a slot.
"No, no," Trent said, "The one above that one. Directly above it."
Sierra pulled off a piece of tape that was at least 30 cm long. She asked, "Is this good?"
"Umm," DJ said, "We're supposed to have a short piece, not a long one."
"Of course!" she said, and then she bit off a 3 cm piece, which caused LeShawna and Gwen to give her a weird look. "What?"
Meanwhile, the Valiant Braves were beginning to dig through their toolbox. Izzy pulled out a hammer, a screwdriver, a saw, a drill, a tape measure, a meter stick, a sheet of bubble wrap, and a large pile of sandpaper. "Okay," she said, "We probably need all of these tools to solve the puzzle, so I'm going to put Owen in charge of the hammer and bubble wrap, and Lindsay in charge of the meter stick and sandpaper. Is the game plan good with all of you?"
"Umm," Owen said, "It's good with me, but where did Lindsay go?"
"Oh," Izzy said, "She's just fraternizing with the other team. Nothing to worry about. I can give you the meter stick and sandpaper until she gets back!"
"That's a great plan!" Owen shouted, "You really do think of everything."
"Of course!" Izzy shouted, "I am a genius after all. A brave genius!"
The Sesquipedalian Brains were making limited progress. "I can't think of anything else," Harold said. "We've tried everything I can think of."
"Did we try using the saw to open the wooden door?" Cody asked.
"It turned out to be painted rock, remember?" Harold reminded, "Why isn't the Professor coming up with an insight?"
"Because there is no way that any human could figure this out by himself in this amount of time?" Noah responded. "Honestly, I don't know why you guys aren't thinking of any ideas."
"I thought of one!" Cody insisted.
"Besides," Harold said, "You're the one with the off-the-charts IQ!"
"Please!" Noah insisted, "It's an arbitrary number assigned to people before they are old enough to be accurately tested! And it does not preclude their teammates from helping."
"Well, maybe, it's just karma!" Cody shouted. This made Noah visibly upset. Cody covered his mouth.
(In the confessional, Cody said, "Okay, if all that happened was season one, I could justify saying that! But now? God, I'm so stupid!")
"Did you know that Tyler would always…" Lindsay began, and then whispered something incomprehensible into Beth's ear, but it made her grin.
"Beth?" Cody asked, "Are you coming soon? We have a little situation."
"What kind of situation?" Beth asked.
"I upset our introvert. He's not talking to anyone, and that includes telling us his ideas. We're hosed," he said, "The only way we have a chance of winning is if we get our last Brain back."
"Oh," Beth said, "I'll be there in a minute."
"That's what you said ten minutes ago!" Cody complained.
"I just need to talk to Lindsay a little while longer," Beth said.
"Maybe I'll just go talk to Noah instead…" Cody mumbled, "He's mad at me, talking would make it worse, and I don't think he'll accept an apology this easily, but it's easier than dealing with this." Beth looked dumbfounded.
(In the confessional, Beth said, "I don't know what to do. On the one hand, Lindsay's upset and I need to help her feel better. On the other hand, Noah's upset and, let's face it, he was kind of running our team. What to do?")
"Good news, Owen!" Izzy shouted, "I figured out how to make the box work."
"Well, that's great, Izzy!" Owen responded. "Lindsay, come quick!"
"Like, did we win?" Lindsay asked.
"I think we might have!" Owen shouted. "…We didn't forget Tyler again did we?"
"Tyler…" Lindsay said, sighing.
"Here's the key!" Izzy shouted, grabbing it out of the box, and lifting it into the air.
She, Lindsay, and Owen rushed over to show Chris the key. "Nice," he said, "Now you just need to make it to the real key before any of the other teams do and you win!"
"No problem!" Izzy shouted, and then she put the key into the slot, lifted the box, and found the real key. She picked it up and yelled, "Behold!"
"The Valiant Braves win!" Chris shouted.
"Ugh…" Heather said disgustedly, "I can't believe we lost again!"
"We haven't lost yet," Duncan said, "And I think I can get to the key right now."
(In the confessional, Duncan said, "I have but one goal for the day. To squish some Sesquipedalian butts." On the word "Sesquipedalian", he used a mocking tone.)
Sierra wiped her brow. LeShawna and DJ both looked exhausted, and Gwen looked as though she was about to fall asleep. Trent shouted excitedly, "Here it is! The final instruction!" The girls and DJ perked up. "All we have to do is open and close the top drawer… nine times."
(In the confessional, Trent said, "Yeah, I'm embarrassed by the past; but who isn't? Especially when the past is in direct connection to Gwen breaking up with me.)
Trent took a deep breath and said, "Be a man," to himself. He opened and closed the top drawer nine times, and then the key was spit out the bottom.
"Alright!" Gwen shouted, "Second place! Way to go Trent!"
(In the confessional, Trent was crying and he said, "Oh, there is a benevolent being! I'm sorry I ever doubted your existence!")
Noah was sitting off in some remote corner of the room. Cody approached him. "Hey," he said. Noah turned away. "I'm really sorry about what I said before. Will you ever forgive me?"
Noah turned back, and then said, "Thanks for apologizing but what… never mind, I forgive you."
"Good," Cody said, "I was just frustrated because we were losing. Listen, if anyone deserves recognition for contributions to this team, it's you."
"Thank you, Cody," Noah said. "Okay, now I probably completely and utterly ruined our chances of winning so…"
"I won't vote you off, I promise," Cody said, smiling at him, "It was my fault anyway."
"No, Cody," Noah said, "It wasn't."
"Well that's very kind of you to…" Cody began and then realized what he was about to imply, immediately took it back, and said, "Then whose was it?"
"You know," Noah said, and then he walked away.
(In the confessional, Cody said, "The trouble with people like Noah is that they always assume you know everything they do and don't bother to explain anything.")
"Come on!" Harold said, "Beth! If you hurry, we might be able to beat Duncan and his jerky jerk partners!"
"I'm coming!" she shouted, and then approached him.
Duncan looked to Alejandro and said, "Can't you open this any faster?"
"Maybe if I had some help I'd be able to," he said.
Heather offered her help, and then the three of them managed to free the key. "Yes!" Duncan shouted.
"No!" Harold grumbled, stomping his foot.
"Okay," Beth said, "Let's figure out how to open this thing."
"Well," Harold said, "It won't make a whole lot of difference now. We lose anyway."
Beth made a few slight adjustments to the puzzle, and was able to make the key visible. Harold was awestruck. "This puzzle was actually pretty easy. Why couldn't you guys figure it out?"
"You solved it in under a minute," Harold said.
"Yes," Beth said.
"You solved it… in under… a minute," Harold said, "And while we were waiting for you to come back we had to lose to every other team including Duncan's because you couldn't have taken under a minute to help us!"
"Well," Beth said, "I didn't know the puzzle would be this easy."
Cody and Noah returned to the group. "Hey, what'd we miss?" Cody asked.
"Just Beth solving the puzzle in under a minute," Harold said scornfully.
"I tip my invisible intangible hat to you, mademoiselle," Noah said.
"…After we lost," Harold continued.
"Okay," Noah said, "I take it back. Seriously? I mean, you couldn't have taken that time before we lost?"
(In the confessional, Cody said, "Ohhhhhhhh.")
"Celebrate Failing Brains, it looks like you guys are going to have to eliminate someone today," Chris said, "Meet me in the elimination room."
The votes were cast, and the ceremony began. "Okay, so, today only three of you will be getting bags of pyrite," Chris said, "Harold, your little grudge with Duncan's getting a little stale. Cody, nice comment! I know Noah loved it. Which brings me to Noah, who ran off and wept in the corner like a little baby halfway through."
"I didn't weep!" Noah insisted, "I just got silent and sulky is all."
"And Beth… wow, good job helping your team realize they could have won if you had just been playing with them from the beginning." Beth looked sheepish. "Today's bags of pyrite go to Harold, Noah, and… Cody!"
Beth got up and headed for the Trap of Shame. "Sorry guys!" Beth shouted, "If we never meet again, I just want you all to know that I love all of you!"
"Cool it with the hyperbole, Beth," Cody said, "We'll meet again."
"Uh, Cody? I'm not sure that was hyperbole," Noah said.
"Sweet!" Cody responded.
"Nerds rule!" she shouted, as she fell down the Trap of Shame.
"Now that the Sod Squish Israeli N Brains…" Chris began.
"Oh, forget it!" Harold interrupted, "I'm not even going to try anymore."
"…Are an all guy team, will they be more prone to the dangers of the opposite sex?"
"Heck yeah!" Harold shouted.
"Definitely," Cody added.
Noah just shook his head in derision.
"Will the Hash Browns ever come in first? Will the Delicate Beauties ever come in last? Find out, on the next Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"
