**Note: Wales shows up in this chapter, but the concept of him is based on Beeks...just fyi.

Warning: Religious things.


For a while after that Feliks and I talked a bit about random things like school and home life. I never really had anyone to talk about with things like this and it made me sort of happy that he was able to help me though some stuff, like I told him about my trouble with history and he suggested I look at the countries as if they were people, weird I know, for example he told me that he views the Declaration of Independence as a bad break up letter with Britain on the grounds that: his father (king George) was a tyrant, they were neglectful (Salutary neglect), they took money from their bank account without asking, they stayed over his house without permission, and things like that (intolerable acts) and more things like that.

It's funny but it actually makes sense.

After a while his mom called him and he had to go home, we said out goodbyes and I went home to study. I wondered if Feliks could possibly help me with some of my other problems, y'know the whole liking boys thing. He's nice enough and even though he gets distracted easily I know he'll listen but...

I just don't know.

Mattie doesn't even know about it. Kiku knows but I don't think he'd understand what I'm going through. I didn't really have any close friends, and especially none I could ask about it, I'm not sure who I could turn to...

"- They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might,"

I opened the door and Mom was sitting in the front room with her mentor whatever you want to call it, she's basically the person my mom has to report all her 'sins' to and get 'advice' from. They were sitting on the couch reading the bible together.

"Hello Alfred..." Mom smiled at me and I tried to smile back. I wondered what part of the bible they were reading, but then again I didn't really care. It was probably the Old Testament... They're always talking about eternal damnation in the Old Testament...

"Good afternoon Alfred, would you like to join our study?" She smiled at me.

I hated this woman.

Every time I go near her I start to get this really horrible feel in my stomach, and I know that she's judging me. She claims that anyone who hasn't been baptized and lives like a 'disciple' is lost in the world and doesn't belong to God, and because they don't belong to God, they'll go to hell (well, everyone in that church place says that but...still.)

She's a bit older than my mom so that puts her at forty-something years old, she's got red hair and is always smiling, even when she starts talking about eternal damnation that smile never leaves her face and it's creepy. She's a nice looking woman, or at least she would have been if she didn't wear so much make up.

Her favorite bible verse is Colossians 3:18 and I know this because she says it to my mom all the time.

"Colossians 3:18 dear; ' Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority. This is appropriate behavior for the Lord's people.' You need to obey everything the bible says, but how can you obey the bible if you don't have a husband?"

Or something like that.

I know she's married and has three kids who are all still in school but already they're Jesus freaks (this I know for a fact.)

One of them has the same name as my Mom, Amelia and is a bit order than I am. Amelia is blond and she's a cute girl but not my type at all, I keep telling this to mom but she wants me to go out with her so she can be a good influence on my life.

'She's such a nice girl, I'm sure she'd be happy to spend time with you if you asked her!' She says...

Amelia is always happy and when she met me she wanted to become friends instantly, she gave me her number and mom gave her mine, she occasionally sends me bible verse text messages and things like that...

"No thank you, I've got a lot of studying to do..."

I tried to ignore them and go upstairs but she still wanted to talk to me!

She asked me about my day at school, how I was doing and things like that but I felt as if she was waiting for me to say something else, something about my day that went wrong so she could offer to pray with me or try to introduce me to 'making God apart of every aspect of my life.'

I managed to cut whatever it was she was saying short and went up the stairs and into my room.

"God bless him, you really must do something about him Amelia, don't you want him to join the Kingdom of God?"

"Of course I do, Alfred is so stubborn though, he probably got it from his father..."

"Of course. You're just so humble dear, I doubt he picked it up from you..."

"W-Why thank you."

"Mhmm..."

I couldn't really hear anything they were saying for the next few minutes and it was weird but I was happy I couldn't.

"I'll ask Amelia to spend some time with him, she'll be happy to help reach out to him..."

"Thank you so much Jillian, that would be such a blessing!"

"You don't have to thank me..."

What? They were still talking about it? I sighed and shut my door. I had work that I needed to do.

I got a message from Kiku but I ignored it, I really didn't feel about hearing about Arthur...

I just wanted to be normal...

I pretty much stayed in my room the whole day after that, I could still hear Jillian and Mom downstairs reading.

Reading about saving the lost so they can join the Kingdom of God.

They read about how not everyone could be saved and how those people will be cast into the flames of hell.

How people must be taken away from their sin because God can't be with sin, therefore God cannot be with a sinner. ..

' They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

Can it please just be Tuesday..?

...

I walked into school the next day and I didn't feel well at all. I was tired and I didn't really have the energy to do anything. I was heading to my locker when I saw Toris.

He looked really scared and he was shaking like some sort of hypochondriac who didn't have their meds. When I walked a bit further I could see why.

Ivan was standing in front of him with a big smile on his face.

"Merry Christmas..."

Y'know, I don't think I've ever seen someone so scared after hearing those words, actually I've never heard anyone get scared because of that.

Christmas was a happy time where everyone smiled and gave to each another, or at least that's what I always thought.

Toris, on the other hand, was terrified.

Ivan had a small colorful Christmas bag with him and that was it, I watched him hand it to Toris, or at least hold it up for Toris who stood there for a while before he pushed it towards him again, I guess trying to show him it was for him, until Toris finally understood and took it.

"F-For me?" Ivan nodded and Toris looked really nervous, as if he was scared to see what was inside. "B-But it's not even C-Christmas..." He jumped after that comment, I couldn't really tell but maybe Ivan got upset and was going to attack him! I felt like I had to do something but...I just didn't have any motivation. I tried my best to do something, to speak up or to head over but my body just didn't want to, and besides...

He didn't seem to get mad though, instead he laughed.

Ivan laughed. It wasn't one of those 'kolkolkol' things Feliks said he did it either, it sounded like a normal human laugh, if not a bit light for a guy his size, but still.

"I won't be seeing you over the holidays, correct? It is almost American Christmas, so I thought to buy you a little gift..."

"W-Well thank you..." Toris gave him a nervous smile. "I-I'm sorry I don't have anything f-for you Ivan..."

"That is fine..."

"W-Well um...M-Merry Christmas..." Toris told him, and Ivan smiled again .

We passed each other in the hall but he didn't really spare me a second glance, he just seemed really happy for some reason.

After he disappeared around the corner I made my way toward him, Toris stuffed the gift bag in his locker in haste.

"Hey..." I stopped short of Toris and he turned around and smiled at me, I noticed he was still somewhat nervous from his meeting with Ivan but overall he was fine.

No scratches, no bruises, nothing.

"Hello Alfred, how are you?" He asked me. I shrugged. I wasn't feeling all that great, I was really tied and didn't want to be here but that wasn't really what I was concerned about.

I wasn't really paying much attention to whether or not Toris actually opened his 'present' or whatever it was and wanted to know if he'd be alright.

He smiled at me.

"Are you ready for your exams today?"

"Yeah today should be easy I guess, I don't think I'm ready for my history test tomorrow though..."

"What history class do you take?"

"U.S. History..." I hated that class more than anything else, just thinking about it made me sick!

"Well, I have my AP U.S. History exam tomorrow, it won't be the same but maybe I could help you, it'll be a nice review for me too so it isn't any trouble..."

"Yeah...that'll be cool..." I tried to smile the best I could. Toris was being so nice to me, and I felt so bad that I couldn't feel happy about it. What's wrong with me today? I've just been in such a blue mood...

"Well after school then? I only have one test , I can't get out of taking A.P. Biology, but I'll be going home early so if you want you can come over to my house..."

At that moment Toris seemed to have remembered something. He turned toward two boys, one was short and the other had glasses, he apologized for neglecting them, but for some reason they seemed pretty used to it, like maybe it was typical for Toris to forget about them or leave them in favor of someone else.

It was sad to think about, but I know Toris didn't do it on purpose and I understand how easily it happens.

When I was younger I would always flock to Arthur no matter who I was with. He was my best friend so to me it just seemed natural, now that I think about it I hope he didn't mind.

That's actually part of the reason I guess Toris and I never got to be really close friends even though we grew up across the street from one another.

But with Artie, sometimes I would see him talking to Francis but then I would come and he always would always leave him for me in the end.

And in a way I guess I felt a bit bad for him, (but not really because he was a jerk. )

Y'know, when I was a kid Francis never really picked on Arthur, it was me he always teased but Arthur would come to my rescue. I guess if he didn't they probably could have been friends.

Maybe he would have been better off if we were never friends.

He would have had an easier life, no one would have betrayed him and told his secret and he would have had a lot of friends.

Arthur was never this bitter before. He was always happy and smiling. We used to do everything together, even some pretty embarrassing things but everything was great, everything was so perfect and I was so happy but then...

I ruined his life...

Sometimes I wonder why I ever try. It's obvious that Arthur would never feel the same way about me, maybe I should try moving on.

I felt so pathetic pinning after him when I know it'll never happen.

It's nothing but a waste of my time, and now I even got Kiku involved! It's nothing but a waste and I shouldn't have let him get wrapped up in it...

I felt so bad between my issues with Arthur , to these stupid tests to Jilians visit yesterday I just didn't know what to do!

I felt so stressed and confused that after she left the house, I ate.

I ate whatever I could find and I felt so disgusting but I couldn't stop. It made me feel better I guess, eating things that tasted good, I felt like I could smile again but after I was done with one thing I felt terrible again.

I felt horrible for eating so much and horrible about Arthur, horrible for being a gay man or whatever the hell I was, I felt disgusting, I felt sick, there was something wrong with me and I couldn't stop myself from eating.

I ate until I felt sick and ended up barfing in the bathroom, luckily my mom wasn't home or she would've gotten overly worried.

I felt so gross, the only thing I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die...

I hated myself.

What was wrong with me? It was just a boy right? It's just food? It's just a religion that I don't even know if I believe in...

I shouldn't be reacting so strongly but...

No matter what I did I couldn't shake my mood. I wasn't hungry, I didn't feel like doing anything or speaking to anyone, I didn't even have enough energy to get the door when I heard mom knocking after she came home from dropping Jillian off I guess...

She had to used her key and I guess she just assumed I was asleep and didn't bother me.

So I went to sleep and I don't even remember dreaming...

The bell rung, I needed to get to class.

Maybe getting my mind of this will do be some good...

...

Arthur

Physical Education should not have final exams.

I find it repetitive and unneeded, much like the game of dodge ball which exists only as a way to show social dominance and is the equivalence to stoning.

Yet I truly believed that no one could hate dodge ball more than I, however I've never seen Francis play the game before today.

I shouldn't have even been there, I had fairly good grades in gym so I didn't have to take any final exam but I had duties to attend to as the senior class president.

I wasn't in Francis' class, however I needed to deliver papers and thus I saw him.

He and Gilbert had gym class together apparently and I almost pitied him when Gilbert was chosen for the other team and was thus forced to abandon him, he looked positively terrified as the game begun and I found the situation ironic.

During our younger years Francis jumped at the chance to play this accursed game.

I suppose he found it as a way to bully us without getting into trouble, us as in Alfred and I...

I sighed. I still cannot believe that Alfred Fucking (I'm sure that is what the F. really stands for and not Franklin or Foster or whatever the hell he claimed) Jones and I were actually friends at some point in time.

I guess back then he wasn't so much of a bastard because I truly considered him my best friend and I thought we would have been together forever but...

He changed.

He changed and I felt so foolish wanting to be together.

I should have known that after he came back from weight loss camp he would be different but I didn't expect a personality shift at all. He became loud and boisterous and it was odd, yet no matter what I still wanted to be his friend.

I did everything I could to rebuild our friendship because we'd lost so much time that summer, it was our fifth grade year and I guess that meant something for us.

I was lonely without Alfred around, I even asked my parents if I could go to camp after I discovered he would be leaving but of course they told me no on the grounds that is was a special camp.

Without much to do I stayed at home for most of the summer and I guess that's when I got used to being alone, reading books and other things like that.

My father kicked me out the house one day, telling me to get some sunshine and I ended up running into Francis. For some reason or another I agreed to hang out with him, he was no Alfred but I suppose he was alright to spend time with during the summer but the moment Alfred walked into our fifth grade class I clung to him.

I was so pathetic.

I let one of our classmates, I do believe her name was Emma or something, have the seat Francis saved for me in favor of sitting with Alfred.

I recall being so happy to see him and as much as I would hate to admit to it he looked really nice.

If I had to put a word to it today Alfred was cute before, I didn't mind him chubby but apparently his mother found it unacceptable and made him loose the weight even though he was only a bit plump from what I can recall, so now he wasn't 'cute' but rather...handsome? My young mind had trouble finding the words to describe it but we had a lot to catch up upon, I didn't realize it then but I suppose that hurt Francis' feelings, although he clearly had other friends namely Antonio and Gilbert. He knew full well that Alfred was my best friend so I'm not sure why he became angry at him. He began to pick on Alfred relentlessly and of course by default me.

This was the first time I was to be in the same class as Alfred and he seemed to be as excited as I was. However I began to notice certain changes, I suppose you could say he gained confidence in himself and while that was not a bad thing I began to feel as if he no longer needed me.

He no longer cried when Francis made fun of him and became rather combative toward him, especially during the times I happened to be involved, yet he continued to reach out for more friends.

He would spend time with others at school, yet afterschool and during the weekends we would be together and while I knew and although we shared everything, from food to odd experiences that I'd rather not tell anyone about, and we were clearly still best friends I couldn't always be his only friend I felt...betrayed?

Perhaps it was because he seemed to be my only friend, that I only opted to spend time with Antonio or Francis when he was with someone else, and goodness was that foolish!

I was a fool.

Alfred Fucking Jones made the biggest fool out of me!

I must have looked so stupid the way I always chased after him...

He was the world to me, yet he didn't give a shit about me.

I didn't always have problems, but when I do they come in the form of obnoxious, lying, two-faced American bastards who can't keep their mouths shut.

I hate him.

Why couldn't I see him for the conniving jerk he was back then? Why did I have to give him so much effort? So much time?

I just can't believe the two of us were friends! I can't believe I actually liked him...

I wish I hadn't even begun to think about things like that, I feel sick, how on earth did those thoughts come to be? I was so distracted that I hadn't even done what I came here to do, instead I just watched that stupid game until the bell rung signaling the end of the period.

I hastily gave the gym teacher the papers.

I wasn't sure what dodge ball had to do to with final exams but I didn't care how he choose to run his class, as long as I didn't have to play I was happy.

I turned to leave the gym.

I hadn't seen Kiku at all today...I wondered where he was...

I worked up the courage to text him yesterday evening in an attempt to initiate conversation, however I then realized I had nothing to speak to him about and I felt awkward when he answered and realized this to be true. It did not help that Owen was trying to catch up with me and began telling me all about how great Wales was and how cute he thinks the sheep are...

Apparently he met someone special, a girl from New Zealand, but he's yet to actually talk to her. However by the stalker picture he took I think his new love interest is a boy...

I told Alistair and he says to keep it 'hush hush' for kicks, I didn't really care but I know that once my third and final brother arrives they'll have fun with that information. (Although upon further inspection the person in question may be female...It was a bit hard to tell...)

Christmas vacation is sure to be a blast...

I began to wander the halls, many students were preparing to leave for the day either having no more finals or a scheduled lunch break, but Kiku didn't seem to be amongst them. He was a very intelligent boy so perhaps he didn't have to take tests because he'd gotten an A or B in the class?

Regardless, I knew I was free to go because what I delivered to the gym was the final paper and I didn't need to take a test in English.

I had chemistry tomorrow and I knew I needed to study more for that, I figured that I would leave and perhaps I could ask Owen to assist me, that is until I received a text from Francis...

...

Alfred

The day was done. I took my art test first and my Spanish test second, I could have done well in Art if it was just drawing, but there were all sorts of rules and terms that I needed to know and I found it stupid.

I thought art was about artistic expression.

I wasn't the best artist but I was good enough. I had a C in the class and I guess I brought it up to a B after the test, I'll know later...

Spanish was a class that I couldn't really say I was interested in, I took it to fulfill a graduation requirement and if my teacher wasn't so weird I could have learned something. She was loud and always cranky, that is when she was around! How could I learn anything if the teacher wasn't around? I didn't understand Spanish so I had a D and probably did terrible on the test.

Whatever.

I sighed and started walking to my locker.

I saw Kiku for a bit earlier during passing period and he wanted to talk to me. I could tell he felt bad about yesterday but I told him not to worry because it wasn't his fault Arthur hated me.

Then I told him that I should move on.

Kiku seemed like he was really surprised at me.

"You knew this would be difficult when you decided to pursue your feelings, you simply cannot give up on them now..." He told me. "I thought you liked him..."

"I do like him Kiku...but I'm fooling myself if I think he'll ever want to be with me..."

I wanted to tell him what else was on my mind, I wanted to ask him if there was something wrong with my feeling for him in the first place but I couldn't.

Kiku just wouldn't understand.

I didn't really know who to ask about this sort of thing. I had Feliciano, but it's not like we were good friends or anything like that. I knew he was Catholic and I wasn't really sure what that meant for him, but according to what the people at church say all religions are wrong accept Christianity.

Because Jesus should be the cornerstone of the church and no one else.

They say that we should die every day for God and that made us strong, that we needed to repress not only our urges but impure thoughts to begin with and if we didn't do that...

We'd go to hell.

Did that mean that I would go to hell for having these feelings for Arthur? What about Arthur, he liked guys too.

What about Ludwig and Feliciano? Feliks? Hell what about Francis?

And it isn't even that. They say that you must repress impure thoughts about anything. So did that mean even if I liked girls if I thought one of them was hot I'd go to tell for thinking about them? I didn't understand...

I didn't know what to do. I felt so lost and alone and I think Kiku picked up on that.

He tried to ask me what was wrong, if anything else was bothering me and I could tell he was concerned but I didn't want to talk about it.

I felt like my thoughts were irrational, that there was no way God could hate me for liking boys because I was born this way, every American medical association says so, and if I was born this way that would mean that was how he made me right?

How could he hate me for making me a certain way?

That's what I tried to tell myself but damnit I was scared!

What if I was wrong and they were right?

Why couldn't I just be normal?

Why did I have to like boys? Or rather like 'A' boy? It's not like I'm gay right? I like one person.

I've never kissed a boy for real, and I've never kissed a girl, so how would I know?

Maybe I'm confusing myself.

Maybe I just want to be Arthur's friend again.

Maybe I'm just a late bloomer and when I find the right girl I can be happy...

Kiku was worried about me.

He told me that he would text me after school because the bell rung and he needed to go to his next class, apparently AP classes don't let you skip finals for having good grades and I guess it made sense.

It was after school now and I hadn't gotten that text yet, I felt like I was dreading it but I guess I was happy that he was concerned.

I wanted him to text me but at the same time I didn't and instead of getting his text, I ran into Feliks.

"Hey!" He seemed cheerful.

"Hey..."

"Toris left school early today, do you, like, mind walking with me?"

"Nah, that's cool. You're leaving now right?"

"Yeah!" I smiled at him. I guess it was hard not to smile when he seemed so happy.

"My mom surprised me with new boots, do you like them?" I looked down at his boots, they were a neutral color brown but had little hearts on them so I guess they were girl shoes.

Feliks was lucky, his parents seemed supportive of his life choices.

I could never expect Mom to be like that, Dad I wasn't really sure of but he was always really lax about everything, sometimes I wished I could live with him instead.

I'm supposed to go to his house for the weekend, like Mattie did with me, but I feel like I should stay home, just so I can have an excuse to spend Christmas weekend with him and not with Mom.

"They're nice..."

His smile faltered.

"Hey, are you ok?" He asked me. No. No I wasn't ok. I was confused and depressed, and I just didn't know what to do!
We walked outside and I felt like having a mental breakdown, have you ever felt like that?

I mean, nothing was going right for me and I didn't have anyone to talk to...

"Alfred?"

"Huh?"

"Are you ok?"

I really didn't know what to do. I felt like I could tell him what was wrong but...

I just didn't know.

I wanted to tell someone, I really did...

But...

"Seriously Alfred, if there's anything wrong you know you can, like, totally tell me about it if you want..."

Could I really let keep this all pent up?

I felt my phone vibrate in my coat pocket, probably a text from Kiku or something, I remember telling myself to answer it but instead I did something else...

"I think I like guys..."

I panicked. I panicked and I made him my confidant without thinking of it. He was quiet for a moment as if he was thinking it over to himself, and I got scared.

What would he say? Logically I guess rejecting me wouldn't make sense but...

He nodded to himself and looked at me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked me. I was quiet for a moment and I thought about saying no. I wanted to talk but at the same time I didn't. It's not like we were close friends or anything but from a logical standpoint it is easier to talk to a stranger than to someone close (not that he's a stranger or anything.)

We stopped walking as I thought. He was willing to listen to me...

I nodded and he nodded back.

" Ok. Let's go to that little park and talk about it. I know how you feel so don't worry..." He smiled at me and took my hand, and instantly I felt like everything was ok again, like the weight of the world was being taken off my shoulders because I had someone to talk too. I curled my fingers around his smaller hands and he led me away.

We went to the playground behind the elementary school and sat on the swings.

"Like...I know this isn't the easiest thing in the world so...you don't have to tell me if you don't want to...I'm like, just here if you need me kay? I can give you my number and stuff if you want..."

According to Toris, Feliks was selfish, but he had those rare moments of selfishness, that he was trying to work on, that made him a very good friend, I guess this was one of those times he was talking about.

I pulled my phone out my pocket and decided to look at Kiku's message later, I clumsily passed him my phone.

It sucked not to have anyone to talk too about this sort of thing, I guess I must have sounded so stupid to him though, he acted like it was no big deal but to me it was the world: it was my life, my family, my comfort, my everything...

"Feliks?"

"Hmm?"

"How do you know if you like dudes?" I asked. I was confused and I needed help. I guess he could tell me better than anyone else I knew...

"Hmm...well...I guess it's kind of hard to explain really, I guess when you like anyone you just get really nervous or flustered and when you think about it you get happy or sad depending on the situation...to be honest, for me I get the same feeling of being scared..."

"Scared?"

"Yeah...like...can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure..."

"I really like Toris...like, a lot. So whenever I'm around him I feel like I need to run away. My heart starts beating faster and I get all gross and sweaty, but he's my best friend and he likes that creepy Natalia girl so when I think about it I get sad...besides he only seems to like girls so I'm out of luck anyway..."

"Oh..." I felt bad for him, I guess we were in the same boat...

"So...Toris was...?"

"The crush I told you about yesterday...y'know the person I need to move on from..." He sighed. "But like, it's really hard..."

"Yeah...I know...I-It's just I don't know if I like guys or not or if it's just one certain dude...I never really liked anyone before so how do I know if what I feel about him is love or not? I always thought I did but..."

"What made you so unsure?"

"..."

"Do you not want to talk about it?"
"Well...It's just...my feelings go against what they say is right..."

"They?"

"The church my mom goes to..."

"Oh...well, like, tell me what you think about it..."

"I dunno.." I shrugged.

"You've got to, have an opinion of it right? Like...if you could, would you rather like girls?" I bit my lip. The answer was yes but I didn't want to offend him or anything like that...

"I probably would...at least until people stopped being such assholes..." He told me.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Like. I love being me, I remember the first time I got curious and put on my cousins blue stripped dress, I don't know why I did it but I did and it was, like, so weird. I was only about 5 or 6 but I felt like, 'this is so right.' I knew it was weird and that normal boys didn't play dress up but I loved it! I felt so...natural. For a while I tried to hide it, I didn't want anyone to know because I felt like it was wrong but...I just felt so drawn to girls clothes and the aspect of being more feminine I guess. Woman are totally beautiful, they just have something about them that men don't and I just wanted to explore it. I would do my hair, sometimes I would paint my nails, put on dresses, just to see the appeal and at first it was for fun but then I guess I just got comfortable..." He explained."To be honest I'm totally shy, I hate talking to new people but I guess when I'm wearing a cute outfit or something I just gain more confidence in myself..."

I understood. Feliks seemed to be happy with himself the way he was but I if he could he would change until people got more tolerant.

But I wasn't sure if I felt the same. If I could change, I would do so just for the sake of being normal...

"I just feel like...well...I've never kissed or dated anyone before...this is the first person I ever feel like I liked and I don't know if I'm scared because he hates me or scared because I like him and I don't know what to do..."

"Mhmm...well, this is, like, a difficult situation. You seriously never liked anyone before him?" I shook my head. And if I had I couldn't recall.

"Hmm...Oh. This is the person you, like, told me about yesterday isn't it?" I nodded. "Hmmm...well um...sorry but I guess I don't know what to tell you...I guess...you could just be curious or something..." He shrugged.

"Curious?"

"Yeah, like..there's a lot more to sexuality than being gay or straight..."

"Yeah because you can be bi-sexual too..." I felt confused but he just smiled.

"I won't confuse you with the details right now, you ,like, don't need to label yourself...but is that the only reason you feel like you like men?"

"Well...sometimes when I watch porn I find myself staring at...y'know...and I think..."

Yeah...

I was actually telling him this! He laughed.

"H-hey! That isn't funny!"

"Like, sorry. But it's alright you don't have to feel embarrassed or anything." He waved his hand. I started to feel a bit better after that. I felt better knowing that I could talk about my problems openly but I still felt so confused.

"You could always try experimenting or something..." He shrugged.

"Experiment? Like...I should kiss a dude or something?" The thought of it made me blush. What if I kissed Arthur? I wonder how I would feel...

Would it be like kissing a girl? Should I kiss a girl?

Then I guess I would be able to compare, but...would it make sense if I didn't like the person? Is that counterproductive?

Should I kiss...him?

"Well...I'm, like, not so sure that's the best way but...whatever makes you happy I guess..." He shrugged.

"I really can't think of another way...I mean I guess I could wait around for him but..."

"You don't know if he'd like you back...I get it..." He shrugged again.

"Yeah...and it's not like I never thought of it..."

"Mhmmm..."

I looked at him. I mean yeah, he wasn't unattractive or anything but...

That would be weird. Way to weird. I couldn't...

It didn't make any sense because I liked Arthur...

I sighed.

This was so confusing for me, more confusing then History-

Shit!

I almost forgot about Toris! I needed to see him! I think my sudden realization started Feliks because he jumped and almost fell back on the swing. Luckily he caught himself and I let out a sigh of relief.

"You ok dude?"

"Yeah..." He pulled himself up and I stood up.

"I need to head to Toris' house, I have a history test and he said he'd help me study but I gotta head home first..."

"Alright, that's cool. I should be going home too but I hope I was able to help..." I nodded.

The two of us began walking back toward the school to get to the corner so we could separate. Once we got to the steps, Feliks got a text message and pulled his phone from his pocket.

"Who's that?" I asked him.

"Oh, it's like, no one important just one of my girlfriends Eliza, you might know her..."

"Oh..."

We were walked to the corner.

"So, if you need anything else you can, like, just ask ok? I'll do my best to help you..."

"Alright..."

"Cool. So like, see you later ok?" I nodded and he turned around.

"Uh...wait..." I called.

"Hmm..?"

I still don't know why I called him back. Maybe I really didn't want to leave yet?

Actually. No. I won't lie to you.

I know exactly why I called him back...

"Ya?"

"Um..."

He giggled again and began walking towards me.

"Like, if you don't use words I don't know what you're saying..."

This wasn't right. I was supposed to be a hero right? I should be able to do this and yet...

"Y'know. Toris is really mean to me. He always tells me I'm selfish and impulsive because he says I do things without thinking of other people. Like, one time I kisses a football player and that didn't really end well..." He sighed.

"But...would it be ok?"

I still don't know how on earth I knew what he was saying. I don't know what he was thinking, hell I can't even tell you what I was thinking!

I just nodded.

He looked down at his boots, maybe trying to build confidence? He looked at me and stood on his toes and before I could comprehend what was happening his lips were on mine.

It probably didn't last long but I felt my whole body tremble, I felt tingly and weird and I could feel my heart beating faster than it probably should have.

It was over in a blink of an eye but I felt like it lasted longer than that. He took a step away from me and turned away.

"So...?" He asked.

"I uh..."

He laughed.

"I'm sorry to report that you probably do like boys..."

"Well...in my defense kissing you is like kissing a girl so..."

And we laughed.

"Well, I'm sorry if my girl-like nature doesn't, like, provide enough insight. You should just, like, kiss that dude you like then..." He winked. "Like I said, if you need anything just, like, let me know ok? I'll totally be happy to help!" He waved at me. "See you later!"

"Bye..." I waved back and turned around to leave.

I couldn't really believe it but I kissed a boy...

And I liked it...

I walked home, trying to get my mind off of it but I couldn't.

"Hello Alfred! How are you!?"

I opened my door and my heart sank.

It was Amelia, that girl from church. She was sitting in the living room with my mom and hers with the Bible on her lap, smiling up at me.

"Uh...Hey..."

Then I realized.

I kissed a boy...

And I liked it.

Fuck. My. Life.


Sorry guys, no history today...

But...yeah...

This chapter...parts of it should have been in the next one but I didn't have internet and I was bored...Yeah.

Francis should have had a POV in this one too but maybe next time...

Just a bit or information because I feel like I should sat it:

I love my religion, I'm christian and I'm all in for being enthusiastic about your what you believe, (Or don't believe.) I've never been one to judge because who am I to say what's wrong? I love learning about people's cultures and religion and in my eyes everything makes sense so we should all just be happy that people are trying to live happy and healthy lives.

But behavior like that is unacceptable. If you ask me, that's teaching hate and it isn't what this particular religion is about at all...

I based these church people after a real life group, there are actual people like this and it's really scary...

Especially because I've struggled with my own sexuality.

I won't bother you with the details but...yeah...

See you all later. K?