Sakura snuggled deep into her blankets, a happy smile on her face.

School was starting in the morning. Her first day of college! She was terribly, terribly excited, and chose to celebrate by sleeping in her bed for once. Her big, beautiful bed Sasuke helped build for her, with the cotton bedsheets that were breathable in the heat, but solid enough to keep her warm if she started to get chilly, and the mountain of comforters and pillows and this really, really awesome afghan her grandmother had knitted for her that she'd kept since she was a baby. Freshly showered and wearing her favorite pajamas, an old Aerosmith T-shirt and boxers, she could safely say she was in for a perfect night.

It was quiet in their apartment for once. Usually they wound up passing out together in the living room, infomercials, baseball games, or The Daily Show still blaring on the TV. But on the eve of their first day of classes, they both felt it was a good idea to skip TV and go to sleep early. Sasuke was down the hall in his bedroom, the door closed.

Sakura curled up like a cat beneath her blankets and closed her eyes. You are my precious gem, she thought fondly, stroking her mattress with all the adoration of a lover. And if I could fuck you, I would. And there would be gladness.

Warm where she lay and perfectly at peace with the world at the moment, she felt herself drifting in that happy space between sleep and wakefulness. Her alarm was set so she could shower and make herself devastatingly beautiful before her first college lecture, her backpack was packed with all the required books and blank notebooks and brand new pens, the really expensive kind with the liquidy tip that left really satisfying marks on the paper, and…

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

Hmm. That was weird…

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

She frowned and opened one eye to peer about her dark bedroom, trying to identify the source of the noise. The window was cracked open; she figured a gust of wind was rustling a paper or something on her desk. Sighing, she resettled herself on her mountain of pillows and shut her eyes again.

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

The noise was getting louder. And now Sakura was starting to get nervous. Mysterious noises at night often meant there was some type of serial killer prowling around hoping to snare a victim. Louder still. And closer.

Whimpering, she sat up and looked around, calling out in a small voice, "Sasuke? Shut up and go to sleep!"

She was going for aggressive, but came off squeaky and terrified. There was no answer, except the scratching became louder. Whatever was causing it was now inside her room.

Given the circumstances, Sakura handled the situation quite well.

She threw off the covers, bolted out of bed, and screamed at the top of her lungs, "SASUKEEEE!" before running at lightspeed out of her bedroom down the hall.

In her socked feet, she tripped over the area rug in the hallway and, still screaming, collapsed in an undignified heap outside Sasuke's door. To his credit, he woke up pretty quickly, and threw open his bedroom door with an admirable amount of awareness.

"Sakura?" he exclaimed, peering down at her in confusion. "What the hell are you doing?"

"The serial killer!" Sakura squealed, bursting into tears as she pulled herself to her feet and seized the front of Sasuke's T-shirt. "The serial killer, Sasuke!" She shook him to relay the urgency. "The scratching of the serial killer! It's happening!"

Vaguely, she noted how handsome he looked in his white T-shirt and a pair of blue cotton pajama pants, his hair sleep-tousled and messier than usual. She decided to compartmentalize that bit of information, and would think about his midnight good-lookingness if she survived the night. But now, convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was an axe murderer skulking around her bedroom thirsting for her blood, was not the time.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" he snapped, his hands gripping her wrists in a vain attempt to pry her off his shirt. "Get your ass back to bed. You had a fucking nightmare."

"I'M LIVING THE NIGHTMARE, SASUKE!" she screeched. "I'M LIVING IT! THERE IS A KILLER IN MY ROOM!"

He rolled his eyes so obnoxiously, it had to have been painful.

"Just listen!" she yelled. "Damn it, Sasuke, just listen to the scratching in my room! As he drags his axe across the rug!"

She could tell by the furious look in his eyes that he was only doing this to humor her, but he made his way down the hall all the same, unhurried and laboring under the arrogant delusion that there wasn't someone in Sakura's room who would sever his pretty head from his pretty body. Sakura pushed him along, cowering behind him, firmly comfortable with the knowledge that she would have plenty of time to get out of the apartment while the killer was killing Sasuke.

"Fucking ridiculous," Sasuke was muttering under his breath, and Sakura glared up at him as they headed towards her bedroom. "Useless, childish, ridiculous fucking bullshit every goddamn day."

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

"Tell me you heard that!" Sakura wailed, shaking the arm she was holding onto. "Sasuke tell me you heard that!"

"Heard what, you imbecile?" he snapped nastily, but she was too frightened to be properly offended.

"The scratching! The scratching, you asshole! Tell me you heard the motherfucking scratching!"

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

Sasuke stiffened, like a dog smelling a rabbit, and Sakura silently patted herself on the back. "I did hear something," he mumbled. "What the hell was that?"

"It's the killer!" Sakura near sobbed. "Don't you see? It's happening, it's happening right now."

"Sakura shut up," he snapped. "There's something in your room, understand? Keep your voice down."

She bit her lip and reluctantly followed when Sasuke peered inside her dark bedroom. He looked to the left, and right, and when the scratching sounded again, louder this time than ever, he cussed under his breath.

"It's not a killer," he said shortly, slowly backing out of the room.

"Then what is it?" Sakura asked shrilly.

Then, from out of the shadows, the source of the scratching revealed itself. Twelve inches high, a long furry tail held at attention behind it, and a soulless, evil look in pitch black eyes, it raised itself on its hindlegs and let out a bloodcurdling screech.

Sakura didn't think. Terror paralyzed her brainwaves, and she jumped onto Sasuke's back and held on like a baby koala, screaming, "A FUCKING SQUIRREL! NO! NO, THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE THAN A KILLER! SHOOT IT, SASUKE!"

"Are you crazy?" he demanded, staggering a little under her furious writhing. "I'm not shooting a fucking squirrel!"

"YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO SHOOT IT AND THEN HANG IT OUTSIDE AS A WARNING TO OTHER SQUIRRELS! SASUKE IT'S TOUCHING ALL MY THINGS!"

The squirrel did not appear frightened to Sakura's untrained eye. If anything, it looked decidedly smug, as it took off at a run for her bed.

"NOT MY BED, YOU BASTARD!" Sakura screamed, punching Sasuke's back in distress. "NOOOO!"

Sasuke grabbed her wrists, twisted, and threw her off of him. "Call Kakashi," he ordered. "A fucking rodent infestation, I'll kill him for not telling us about it when we signed our lease. I'll try and trap it or something."

"Don't get any blood on my shoe collection!" she snapped threateningly, terrified, but not to the degree of not caring about what happened to her shoes. "For every drop of blood I find on my shoes, I will kill you." Content that he would kill the squirrel and spare her possessions, she took off at a run down the hallway, barricading herself in Sasuke's bathroom with a cell phone in her hand.

She stood on top of Sasuke's toilet and, with shaky fingers, managed to dial the landlord's number. His lazy, easy-going voice answered on the third ring.

"Shady Leaf Apartment Suites, this is Kakashi speaking, how may I…"

"SQUIRRELS!" Sakura screamed, furious and terrified and incoherent at this point. "SQUIRRELS IN MY APARTMENT! I'LL HAVE YOUR ASS FOR THIS!"

"Who may I ask is calling?" Kakashi asked mildly, sounding supremely unconcerned with Sakura's distress, which only ignited her fiery temper.

"I'M THE FUCKING LIZARD KING!" she bellowed. "IT IS THE REAPING! C-17! COME TO C-17!"

"C-17? Ah, Miss Haruno! How's the new place?"

"INFESTED!" she howled. "INFESTED, YOU RAT BASTARD! IS THIS WHY YOU WEAR THE MASK? BECAUSE OF THE INFESTATION?!"

"Infestation?"

"There is a squirrel! In my room, touching my things, raping my sense of security! Put me through to the Pentagon!"

"A squirrel?" Kakashi chuckled. "I see. I'll send over the maintenance man, he'll be there in a jiffy. Good evening!"

"Don't you hang up on me, you pancreas, don't you dare-!"

The click of the receiver on the other end sent her nearly into hysterics, compounded by the sound of running footsteps down the hallway, and furious pounding on the door.

"The hell you doing in my bathroom?" Sasuke demanded from the other side, jiggling the doorknob to no success, since she'd locked that shit up tight.

"Mine was too near the squirrel!" she explained. "Did you catch it? Is it dead? Is its mangy carcass on display to intimidate any others?"

"Not…exactly," Sasuke replied curtly, sounding pissed off with himself. "Let me in here."

"Like hell! You'll let the squirrel in and it'll…"

"It bit me, you psycho bitch!" he snapped back. "Open the goddamn door!"

"NO WAY! YOU'LL INFECT ME WITH YOUR RABIES!"

"SAKURA. I will break the fucking door down, so help me God! I need fucking medicine."

"GO AWAY, YOU RABID ANIMAL! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE!"

"SAKURA!"

He was yelling at her. Sasuke didn't seem like the kind of person to yell, which scared her all the more. It had to have been very bad out there for him to lose control like this. Could she really leave her fellow soldier alone at the frontlines? To die a horrid death he didn't deserve?

Vaguely, she remembered the way he'd called her fat the other night. A twisted, evil smirk conquered her lips, temporarily outweighing her fear, and she hissed, "It's no more than you deserve, is it? You make fun of what I eat; I'll stand here safe and sound in your stupid bathroom and let them eat you and in the morning, when the cops come to collect what's left of your bones, I'll…"

BOOM!

Sakura's jaw dropped.

Sasuke stood in the threshold of the bathroom, fuming like a caged tiger. The crumpled wooden remains of the door lay on the linoleum tiles, and he lowered the leg he'd kicked it down with in ill-contained rage.

"Give me. The fucking. Medicine," he snarled at her. "Or I'll throw you out into the hallway and laugh as they tear you apart!"

Sakura was torn between sheer amazement at Sasuke's display of machismo and overall badassery, and mind-numbing terror. He looked more than capable of murder at the moment, given her refusal to let him inside his own bathroom, and after that show of impressive strength, she had no doubt in her mind that he could easily make good on his threat.

"Put the door back up!" she said shrilly. "I'll clean that bite, but you put the door up immediately!"

To her relief, he nodded curtly and picked up the door he'd kicked down, replacing it haphazardly between the frame again. She rummaged quickly through Sasuke's medicine cabinet, doubting very much that she would find a topical cream to cure rabies amid the aftershave and mouthwash; behind her, she heard him mutter, "Like hell am I paying to have this door fixed."

He pushed his laundry hamper in front of the door to act as a barricade before turning on the faucet. He held his forearm underneath the spray, and turning around, Sakura gasped to see the water turn brown with blood.

"He really did bite you!" she exclaimed. She hurried over with antiseptic cream and batted his hand away from the tiny puncture on his arm that was leaking a surprising amount of blood. "Fucking monster…what happened in there?"

"Family," Sasuke bit out.

"Huh?"

"It wasn't just one squirrel. It had a family. Attacked me, all at once. In formation. Someone trained those motherfuckers."

Sasuke sounded very much like he was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, but Sakura chose to keep her mouth shut. When the blood stopped running, she treated the cut with antiseptic, ignoring Sasuke's babyish hiss of pain, and placed a bandaid over top.

"You'll have to go to the hospital at some point," she informed him gravely. "For a rabies shot."

"Like hell."

"I'm not kidding! The only way to treat rabies is before the symptoms set in."

"Be quiet. You ruined my whole goddamn night."

"You'll get lockjaw, Sasuke! And I'll be forced to humiliate you further by throwing things into your mouth because you don't be able to stop me! And then you'll die a foamy, undignified death and I'll turn your room into a multimedia center!"

"You're gonna be a great fucking wife someday, aren't you?" Sasuke snapped meanly. "Crazy bitch. Did you call Kakashi?"

"He said he'd have the maintenance man come around," she told him, cataloguing every insult he slung her way, so she could pay him back later when she was sure he wasn't rabid. "We'll wait in here…we're safe in here. I hope."

So they sat together in Sasuke's bathroom, Sasuke on the back of the toilet, Sakura on the rim of the tub, waiting for the maintenance man to come and save them. It was rather like being in prison; Sakura eyed Sasuke warily, hoping he wouldn't start foaming at the mouth, and Sasuke glared at her, clearly blaming her for the way this night was going. Minutes dragged on into hours, and Sakura didn't realize she'd fallen asleep until Sasuke was rudely poking her in the forehead to wake her up.

"Maintenance guy's here," he muttered.

"Huh?" she asked stupidly, before exclaiming, "Oh!" and jumping to her feet. Her neck was stiff from sleeping against the shower wall all night long, and she was dizzy for a moment before collecting herself. She followed Sasuke out of the bathroom into the hallway.

The maintenance man, a friendly-looking guy named Iruka with a scar running across his nose, was emerging from her bedroom with a cage in his hand. He smiled at her genially and said, "Good morning, Miss. Caught the sucker and his babies…they won't be bothering you again."

Sakura stared at the cage he was holding. Through the bars, two tiny claws emerged, holding onto the metal; the squirrel looked her dead in the eyes, and even though she'd never seen a squirrel so close in her entire life, she read the message loud and clear: "I will come back for you, bitch. I will come back and when I do, I am going to fuck you up."

"What took so long?" Sasuke demanded angrily. "It's almost seven am, we called hours ago!"

Iruka sighed. "You guys must be new here. Well, you'll find that Kakashi, even if he's a decent guy, is always a little…late when it comes to the important things. He called me a few minutes ago."

"What?" snarled Sasuke, but Sakura sighed heavily in defeat.

"Thanks," she told Iruka sincerely. "For saving our lives. Sorry, we're just a little bit…high-strung at the moment. Classes start in like an hour, and this isn't how we expected to spend the night before."

Iruka chuckled on the way out. "No problem, Miss. Good luck at school, kids."

He let himself out, and Sakura shoved past Sasuke towards her own bathroom. What a night.

"Where are you going?" he demanded, just to pick a fight, but she shook her head.

"Go to the hospital," she ordered him, slamming the door shut between them. "You need a rabies shot. I'm already afraid of you cutting my head off in my sleep; you don't need to add infecting me with rabies to my list of things to worry about."

Her first class started at 8 am, she'd slept horrifically, and now she would never be able to sleep in her bedroom ever again. That squirrel and his bitchass fucking family would be back, and they would find their way in again. And they would exact most painful revenge on her for her hand in their expulsion.

List of things to buy: a deadbolt to keep murderous Sasuke at bay. New hinges for the door he'd kicked down in his anger. And a pile of acorns to offer the squirrel as a peace offering, hoping that, when he inevitably returned to deliver his punishment, he might show her leniency.


note.. to anyone who's ever dealt with the horror of a rodent in your house, i give you this chapter.

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how'd i do?

happy thursday!

xoxo day-zee-jawn.