Chapter 7: Rice Cakes and Tax Returns

Charity took Chas's words to heart and decided to give it another try. She stepped outside the Woolpack still feeling like she was about to confront the enemy, so she elected to take a walk around the village first and clear her head before heading over to Tug Ghyll.

As she rounded the corner near the playground, she saw a yellow ray of sunshine sitting on the swings, just barely swinging to and fro. Vanessa was alone and Charity surmised she wasn't the only one looking for some respite from the afternoon's turmoil. So as not to sneak up on her, Charity made a circle round the playground, walked up in full view and sat down on the empty swing right next to Vanessa.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that," lamented Vanessa as she stared into the empty space in front of her.

"So you're sorry I heard it, but not sorry that you said it."

"Charity…."

"No, no don't. No takebacks. It's OK, you said what you felt. You always have." Turning her head to speak directly to Vanessa now, "It's one of your best qualities that, you don't hold back, always tell me what you really think."

Vanessa made no eye contact with Charity preferring to continue her gaze at the tree tops, the playground equipment, the sound of a chirping bird; anything to avoid looking at the woman sitting just to her left. "My head's a mess, the pain makes me moody, and, you picked a bad moment to walk in. You weren't around to hear me say…," Vanessa stopped mid-sentence unsure of how to discuss what she'd learned about Charity's history with Bails. She pressed her lips together to consider her words. "I think it's amazing what you did to bring that man to justice. Only a remarkable woman would have the strength and resilience to see that through and go on to live her life to the full."

The first kind words from Vanessa assuaged the sting of her earlier censure and Charity exhaled a sigh of relief.

Vanessa continued, "I think maybe I'm just overloaded right now with information. All these facts and bits and pieces of my life are swirling around in my head. Choices I've made, mistakes that have had real consequences. Some things that maybe I always knew about myself and some things that, frankly, come as a complete surprise."

Charity interjected, "Like the fact that you're in a relationship with a woman? Only, the part about being with a woman isn't the surprising bit is it? You're just surprised that woman is me."

"You can't know that Charity."

"Sure I can, 'cause you've already told me so."

"Have I?"

"Yeah, actually. One of our bedtime chats. I know the complete history of the girl crushes you've had Vanessa. All the usual suspects; Jodie Foster, Jamie Lee Curtis, Mary Stuart Masterson, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet naturally. And some peculiar choices if you don't mind me saying so; Anneka Rice?" Charity asked wrinkling her nose and eyes. "I'm sorry, that ones just plain odd. Not to mention your biggest school girl crush when you were completing your A-levels; Sarah Jane Davies." Vanessa's eyes popped open. "I'm sure she was pretty but Chess Club and Model UN? She sounded as boring as eating a rice cake whilst doing your tax return."

Certain she has never told anyone about her unrequited crush on Sarah Jane Davies, Vanessa grinds her teeth realizing Charity must be telling the truth about this conversation they supposedly had.

"You never imagined being with someone like me and that's OK. I don't mind that I don't fit the prototype of whomever you thought you'd end up with. But what I do mind, what I can't bear right now is that you can't even look at me."

"You don't know what this is like."

"Then tell me."

"I can't."

"You can. I want to help you Vanessa. I want to be here for you the way you were there for me throughout my various and sundry crises."

"You don't owe me anything."

"I don't want to help you because I owe you Vanessa. I want to help you because I love you."

"Please stop."

"Stop? Stop what? Loving you? Not possible."

"Charity!"

"I don't care if this makes you uncomfortable."

"If you loved me you'd give me some space."

"All I've done so far is give you space. I don't know what you need. Tough love? A shoulder to cry on? A bottle of red? Whatever it is, I can help and I want to help but you have to tell me how."

Tearily, "I want all of this to just go away. I'm sorry but I just want to be left alone."

Charity abruptly gets off the swing and stands in front of Vanessa making it all the more difficult for the vet to avert her eyes. "Being alone is not what you need right now," exclaims Charity.

Glancing at Charity and almost immediately looking away again Vanessa questions, "Who are you to tell me what I need?"

Charity notices Vanessa's jaw is trembling and she observes Vanessa isn't sad or angry at this moment. Rather, she looks haunted and frightened. Charity considers the question asked and adjusts her entire physicality before responding. She kneels in front of Vanessa and modulates her tone before speaking. As she begins to speak, her voice is almost unrecognizable; calm, slow, measured in tone…... sincere.

"Who am I? I'm your fiancée, and, I love you." This causes Vanessa to twist her face. "Fine, grimace if you must but it's the truth. And, if you won't listen to Tracy or Rhona or Harriet or anyone else willing to tell you it's true then listen to the one person who knows your truth better than anyone."

Vanessa rolls her eyes and responds mockingly, "You?"

Charity fights every instinct to bite back. Don't take it personally Charity. Maintain your composure. Don't let Vanessa's fears suffocate your desire to help her. Be decisive. Be fearless. Keep Calm and Carry On.

With an even gentler voice and the undeniable courage of her convictions, Charity responded. "No. Not me Vanessa…. You. No one knows your truth better than you."

Charity reached up and placed her hands over Vanessa's, cradling them softly as they rested on Vanessa's knees. Vanessa finally looked straight into Charity's eyes and held her gaze as Charity continued.

"Have a little faith in yourself. Have a little confidence that you're not some gullible Gulliver that got duped into choosing me as their partner... I didn't swindle you into being my girlfriend and then fiancée. I didn't trick you into moving into the pub with me, Moses and Noah... You're not some mug I hoodwinked into caring for me. You made the decision to love me. You called the shots Vanessa. Lord knows I didn't make it easy for you but you still fell for me. We fell for each other."

Vanessa was utterly flustered and didn't realize she was crying until a tear fell down her cheek. She found she couldn't take her eyes off Charity now even if she wanted to. Were Charity's eyes always so green and beautiful? Had she just seen into Charity's soul?

The breeze kicked up a bit and though the air was cool, it was humid and Vanessa felt like she had suddenly been blanketed in warmth and the throbbing in her head abruptly disappeared.

Still holding Charity's gaze she shared, "I don't know who or what to trust Charity. I can't remember anything. Everything feels so familiar yet so foreign at the same time. And you," Vanessa breathed in deeply before continuing, "it would almost be better if you'd have been…" she pauses, knowing that what she is about to say will cut like a knife.

Charity whispers, "Go on, say it." Vanessa shakes her head, wipes the tears from her face and then places her hands back on top of Charity's with a purposeful grip.

Charity finishes Vanessa's sentence for her. "It would have been better if I'd have been a complete stranger, yeah?"

She knows thinks Vanessa. Did she read my mind? Vanessa bows her head as the tears continue to flow.

Charity huffs out a laugh to stop herself from crying but she is fully aware that Vanessa is holding her hands, tightly now, keeping her in place.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I don't know how to help you. I hear you saying you want me to back off and leave you be but I won't do that. I can't. You're my life now Vanessa. You and Johnny and Moses and Noah, we're a team. And I get that it makes no sense to you now and I don't know how long it'll take for you to remember how amazing we are together, but, I'm gonna stand right beside you until it happens."

Vanessa noticed she felt much calmer now. The throbbing in her head had been replaced with the fast beating of her heart. As she held Charity's hands, she noted how soft her skin was, how long her fingers were and how well their hands seemed to fit together. She felt an unfamiliar comfort and as the breeze continued to blow, she was mesmerized by the way the wind tousled Charity's curls off her face.

Vanessa matter-of-factly stated, "It might never happen. My doctor told me I may never retrieve my lost memories."

The shift in mood was palpable and suddenly, Charity knew exactly what to say. She moved the hair that flew into her eyes away, offered a touch of a smile, placed her hands back on top of Vanessa's and offered, "Lucky for me, someone in my life taught me quite a bit about having boundless patience. Please Ness, let me help you. I swear, I can make you see how great we are together. And even if you never remember the first time you fell in love with me, I promise you, you'll never forget the second time you do."

Vanessa is floored by this version of Charity kneeling in front of her. Unexpected, raw and vulnerable. She left Vanessa speechless, but the silence was interrupted by Victoria calling for Charity from the perimeter of the playground.

"There you are!" Vic was uncomfortable as she had clearly interrupted something. "Sorry, but the drayman mixed up the order and I think you should come back to the pub to sort it out unless you meant not to have any ale and only spirits this week."

Charity slowly stood up to address Vic. "Don't sign for anything, I'll be right there."

Vanessa was now looking at Charity warmly. Charity reckoned she had spent enough time in Vanessa's space and in an effort to strike the proper balance she made Vanessa an offer.

"Johnny can stay at the Pub again tonight if you like but I'm sure you'll want to spend time with him so I'll pack his overnight bag for you and bring it to pickup. Maybe you two can have a sleepover with Aunt Tracy tonight? I want you to come home Vanessa, whenever you're ready. I hope you'll come home soon."

With that, Charity turned and started back towards the pub leaving Vanessa to contemplate who was that woman that just kneeled before her. She wondered if that version of Charity was real and worthy of Vanessa's love. If she is real though, thought Vanessa, why is she with me? Vanessa pondered, how did someone like me land someone as beautiful, fearless and desirable as Charity?