Alright then - roadblock gone, Chapter 7 go! We've got more angst and tension to come, so I thought I'd give it a break for this one, and humour is back for a bit. It kinda scares me but my Torchwood dreams are getting kinda vivid now- for the last one I had to check that I was a girl and didn't have fangs when I woke up. I may have to write a fic about that one... Anyway, read this and I hope you enjoy the mid-angst culture clash! x

DISCLAIMER: Jack owns Hub, Hub is Torchwood's base, Jack is Ianto's bitch. Therefore I claim nothing. :)

Welcome To StilettoLand

Jack debriefed Gwen on the way down to the SUV. More or less the instant that Ianto had hurried out of the Tourist Information Office, Gwen had surfaced from the depths of the Hub and Jack's wrist strap had sounded a long, low whistle simultaneously. Both had told Jack the same thing; Operation Angelus Nigra was being prepared for detonation in the county of Essex, specifically an abandoned construction site in a place called Romford. The only problem was that it was six hours away from Cardiff, minus traffic, and a lot could happen in six hours. Especially with the combination of minds that Torchwood were now up against. Their latest information had more than trebled the danger that the planet was in, and it had caused Gwen to become near hysterical.

'So, you are now telling me that we are dealing with, not one, but two psychos?' here voice was shaking, but she was determined not to be scared; Gwen Cooper never got scared. 'One who most definitely has an agenda; the other doesn't care why he's doing this and so labels it 'revenge' for the hell of it?'

'Yes.' Jack replied, wincing as her near-screeching tones reached his delicate spaniel ears. The SUV was in sight; he could tell what was coming and, if he reached it in time, maybe Ianto could back him up.

'Then why are we not getting help on this?'

'We don't need help.'

'My arse we don't, Jack!' You can easily fit into a purse with room to spare and AN's in frigging Essex!' She paused, calming down slightly. 'What about Martha?'

'What about her?' Jack was indifferent.

'She could deal with it for us. She's closer.'

'No. She has got enough to deal with.' Ah, the SUV, Jack thought; protection from Gwen the Control Freak. Finally somewhere he could hide – he was in no state to have this conversation.

'Besides,' Ianto piped up; Jack's saviour in a suit. 'Martha's still not talking to him from when he 'borrowed' the Oster-Hägen Key to use as a bargaining chip against UNIT.' He smirked; this little revelation both surprised Gwen and annoyed Jack. Perfect.

Well, someone had to make sure that they got rid of it.'

Ianto raised an eyebrow. 'What? By losing it in a game of strip poker? Martha would have done a better, not to mention classier, job.'

'My way was more fun; she just hasn't realised that yet.' Jack was unabashed. 'Anyway, let's get on the road.' He padded around to the driver's door and stared up at the handle, feeling rather embarrassed. 'Um, gonna need some help here.'

Ianto picked Jack up and promptly plopped him on the back seat. To Jack's whining, he answered, 'Dogs don't drive.' Before positioning himself behind the wheel. As Gwen got in the passenger seat, she craned her neck to view Jack with a questioning look. In fact, she was incredulous.

'You gambled with nukes?'

Both Jack and Ianto sighed. This was going to be one long journey.

About two hours later, the sun was setting. Jack, having found out how to work the SUV's electric windows with his paw, was hanging with his head lolling out of the window. The conversation was mainly dominated by Gwen's patriotic Welsh moaning.

'I mean, why did they have to stick the parts in bloody Essex anyway? Why not Newport? They are practically the same anyway.'

'I don't know Gwen.' Ianto replied wearily, having had the same conversation twice since already since they had left the Plass. 'We're not exactly popular with other organisations are we? It would make sense to stay away from Wales, just to keep us from finding anything.'

'Why not Scotland then?'

'Archie.'

Yorkshire? We've got no one there.'

'What is your problem with – Jack! Get back inside the SUV! You'll fall out!'

'Why? I grow back.'

'Because,' Ianto snapped. 'A puppy splattered across the carriageway will get us in trouble with the RSPCA, not to mention other drivers!'

'Make me.' Jack was feeling smug as the wind flapped his long ears. Ianto couldn't catch him while he was driving.

'Alright then, I will.' Ianto knew what he had in mind would do the trick. 'When you're human again, I will refuse to play naked hide and seek with you ever again. Unless you get back in the car within five seconds. One…two…'

Jack yelped and jumped down before Ianto could reach two and a half. 'I'm down! I swear, I down!'

Ianto smirked with satisfaction. 'Anyway, Gwen what's up with Essex? Apart from it being in England?'

'Everything.' She replied. 'It's full of tangerine coloured Barbie Doll's with platinum blonde hair, white six inch heels, and matching mini skirts which are small enough to be belts. At least ten kids per primary school are going to be pregnant before their twelfth birthday; there are chavs on street corners and drunken football supporters in every town. In short, Essex Boy equals yob; Essex girl equals tart.'

'Gwen!' Ianto reprimanded, 'That's just stereotyping. Essex can't be that bad.'

'We are heading to a piece of wasteland in a town called Romford. I think I have reason to stereotype.' Gwen mumbled furiously. 'Besides, they all think we fuck sheep anyway, just because we are Welsh.'

Ianto laughed softly at this aside. 'No, that's just Jack. Probably to cover up the fact that he has done.'

'Hey! That's not fair. I haven't had a sheep yet! Although there was this guy once….'

TW 3 TW

Five hours into the journey and they were stuck in traffic on the M25 motorway. Ianto's patience was stretched to its limits.

Ianto? Are we there yet?' Jack had returned to puppy mode, again.

'No.'

'Are we there yet?'

'No, Jack.' Ianto moaned in exasperation. Gwen was giggling beside him, adding to his annoyance.

'Are we – .'

'NO!'

'Well we would be there if you phoned up the police to clear us a route. Or put the blue lights on. Or the jet engine.' Jack was pacing the back seat, having wriggled free from the seatbelt that Ianto had strapped him into on their last rest stop long ago. At the first sign of Ianto's teeth grinding together, Gwen took over the negotiations.

'Jack, we can't have an escort all the way from Cardiff because it will get us noticed.' She answered simply. 'And it won't help shift much of this traffic if we did. Rhys says this road is notorious.'

They passed a road sign with a small amount of relief. 'Welcome To Essex', Gwen thought; more like 'Welcome To StilettoAndTartLand'.

'I don't care. Jack Harkness doesn't do traffic queues.' Jack's pacing grew faster, before he became bored and started chasing his tail. He was enjoying himself until one of his claws became caught in the upholstery; a situation that he had to deal with.

RRRRRRRIPPP!

Ianto slammed the SUV's brakes on, ignoring the gestures and blaring horns of other drivers as he did so. When Ianto turned around, fury in his eyes, Jack actually shrank away in fear.

'Oh no, you didn't.' Then Ianto looked down to find a gaping hole in the leather seat. He sucked in a sharp breath. 'HARKNESS!'

'Would it help if I said I was sorry?' Jack considered burying himself within the hole; Princess Ianto was a lot scarier when you were this small.

'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO CLEAN THIS THING? I CAN'T TAKE IT INTO A GARAGE YOU KNOW! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I HAVE TIME TO MEND THAT – LOOK AT THE SIZE OF IT! NO. SOD THAT. YOU ARE MENDING IT! YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF I LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY – !'

'Ianto, sweetie.' Gwen reminded him. 'Traffic. M25. Move.'

Ianto collapsed in his seat and put his foot on the gas, fuming quietly. For the rest of the journey there was sulking and silence. The spaniel had found Ianto's metaphorical dog house.

TW 3 TW

A short while later (although to Gwen it seemed an eternity; being caught in the crossfire of another couple's argument was just awkward) they pulled up at a dusty expanse of rubble and warehouses. Always the abandoned warehouses, Gwen thought sceptically. Why not somewhere nicer? Ianto shut his car door with a slam, gun already unholstered and sweeping the surrounding area, leaving Gwen to let Jack out. When she did, Jack was already waiting at the door and tumbled out with a thump and a plume of dust.

Ianto was tense. He was still mad with Jack, but it wasn't as if the action was too unforgivable. Ianto would just force his lover to appreciate the complexities of his job more. No, what was unforgivable was the plan unfolding at that very moment, with Ianto's two least favourite people at the helm. With Jack being practically useless until they got hold of the shilotransducer, it was just him and Gwen who could stop the activation. He jumped as Jack's thoughts entered his head.

'Right. We've got no idea where AN is and this place is huge, so we're splitting up. I'll go left. Gwen, Ianto – you head right.' Jack began walking off, in determination that the others should do the same in the opposite direction, but Ianto stopped him.

'Jack. You're only just bigger than a rat and certainly can't fight like this.'

'Yes I –.' Ianto cut him off.

'No you can't. Gwen, go with him. I'll be fine.'

She nodded in understanding, before dragging Jack off to the nearest warehouse.

'Be careful Ianto.'

Ianto stared at the backs of the Welshwoman and puppy that were currently his colleagues, before heading for the piles of scrap on his right. John Hart, he thought, I hope to hell you're not ready for what's coming to you. Bilis Manger, you're smart but you haven't seen anything yet. You won't ever underestimate me again, both of you. Because I am Ianto Jones; I am stronger, and I am Torchwood.

Author's Note: Being of Essex blood and loving Wales, I am in no way prejudiced. It was just fun to play with stereotypes amid Jack's destruction of the SUV, so hopefully I'm doing the two areas a favour by clearing things up a bit. Trust me - not all Essex girls are like that and my Welsh mates tell me they are a sheep free zone. Well, most of them lol...

Reviews help Torchwood save the day! MC. x