From the front of the choir room I could see everyone. They all seemed interested in why the new girl had volunteered to go first. As I walked shyly to the side of the room to pick up my guitar I heard Blaine taking the empty space by Kurt. I walked back to the middle of the room. Deciding against and introduction I gave a test strum of the guitar, removed my jacket, and turned so my left arm was hidden from view. I began a capella.
Woah, Woah
I started in with my guitar
Bang, bang go the coffin nails like a breath exhaled
Then gone forever
It seems like just yesterday, How did I miss the red flags?
Tears began welling in my eyes as I thought of all of the red flags I had indeed missed.
Think back to the days we laughed, We braved these bitter storms together
Brought to his knees he cried, But on his feet he died
What God would damn a heart? And what God drove us apart?
What God could
Make it stop. Let this end.
Eighteen years pushed to the ledge.
It comes to this,a weightless step
On the way down singing
Woah, Woah
Bang Bang from the closet walls
The school house halls, The shotgun's loaded
Push me and I'll push back
Done asking I demand
My voise cracked as tears began escaping my eyes
From a nation under God
I feel its love like a cattle prod
Born free and still they hate
Born me, no I can't change
Its always darkest just before the dawn
So stay awake with me, let's prove them wrong.
Make it stop. Let this end.
Eighteen years pushed to the ledge.
It comes to this,a weightless step
On the way down singing
Woah, Woah
The cold river washed him away,
But how could we forget?
Gathering some candles, but not their tongues.
And too much blood has flown from the wrists
At this point I moved so my left arm was in full view for the entire club to see. They could see my scars, they could see everything I had worked so hard to hide.
Of the children shamed for those they chose to kiss
Who will rise to stop the blood?
We're calling for,
Insisting on, a different beat, yeah
A brand new song
Whoa, whoa whoa
Make it stop, let this end
I nearly shouted the last verse.
This life chose me, I'm not lost in sin
But proud I stand, of who I am
I plan to go on living
Make it stop, let this end
All these years pushed to the ledge
But proud I stand of who I am
I plan to go on living.
Once I had struck the final chord of the song I tried to catch my breath, which was proving fruitless against my crying. I didn't bother looking up to see the rest of the clubs reaction, I felt the need to say them to let them know "That song was for my brother, and for me."
I felt multiple pairs of arms around me. Once our group hug has subsided Mr. Schuester had decided that it had been a draining day, and he called practice, as everyone went through the motions of gathering their stuff Mr. Schuester pulled me aside as I slipped my jacket back on.
"Courtney, that was very brave of you, I just want you to know that no matter what happens I am here to listen, Miss Pillsbury is here as well, I suggest you go talk to her as soon as you can." I simply nodded grabbed by backpack and guitar case and left the choir room feeling completely drained.
Just outside the choir room doors Blaine, Kurt, Brittany, Santana and Mike were all waiting. Kurt was the first to speak as he linked arms with me, and said "You are stunning, time for some chai." And that was that all six of us piled into Kurt's SUV and headed towards the Lima Bean. No one really spoke, but everyone had their own little acts of encouragement. Blaine kept glancing back and me and smiling, Mike had his hand resting on my shoulder, Brittany rubbed my hand and Santana didn't hit me. We ordered our various drinks and took seats at a booth, after some quiet moments Kurt broke the silence, "I didn't know you had a brother."
"He died. Two years ago. Suicide." I said though I was sure the final syllable was lost. I had unbroken eye contact with the foam of my chai, until Mike spoke up.
"My brother too." Mike said. Everyone looked slightly taken aback. Apparently Mike wasn't always up for sharing. "He didn't leave a note or anything, we still aren't sure why."
"I know why Stephen did it. He left a note. My brother was gay, the people at school weren't awful about it. The people at my dad's church were. They said and did awful things to him in the name of saving him. We started losing him. I saw it, I'm not sure if anyone else did. The light behind his eyes was gone. The night I came out to him, he looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me, and that no matter what happened I couldn't let them get to me. The next day when I came home from school there was a stretcher leaving his room with a body bag." I sobbed silently. Mike put his arm around me, and Blaine did as well.
"Is that when the cutting started?" Blaine asked in an almost inaudible whisper.
"Yeah, that night. I want to stop, but it the only way I can get through every day with my lovely plastic parents. The crazy part is they know, but they'd rather have a straight cutter than a lesbian for a daughter. Kinda like they prefer their dead son who they could pretend is a god fearing boy, than having their living gay son. Welcome to the Blake family." I said in a dry voice.
Santana spoke for the first time since we left the school. "Your dad, what's his name?"
"Stephen Blake, the reverend Stephen Blake." As I spoke Blaine lifted his eyes to mine in a questioning manner. I shook my head answering his unspoken question. Yes, my father was the founder of Choose Light Ministries, America's most outspoken anti-homosexuality group. Everyone attempted to digest the news I had just dropped. I lifted my eyes to see five truly apologetic faces.
"I am so sorry," Santana whispered while reaching for my hand in a genuine attempt to comfort me.
