HINATA
I stare at Kageyama and he looks surprised, overwhelmed, relieved maybe. My heart is beating so hard as I look at him. I close my eyes looking away from him. I feel silly but….
"I'm sorry it's stupid," I replied.
"No it's not," he says strongly. "How can you love me if you don't remember me?"
"That is what I want to know," I replied. I don't know how to explain this to him without giving away too much information. I don't want him to know about the dreams. "I mean I'm trying….." I can feel I'm about to have a panic attack so I close my eyes looking away from him. He even smells the same from my dreams.
"Don't think about it too hard," says Kageyama. "Are you forcing yourself to remember?" For the first time since I recovered 5 years ago, I'm trying to force myself to remember. In my dreams Kagayama makes me feel so good that I want to remember to him. Just seeing him today relaxed me completely.
"I am," I say slowly. "I didn't even realize it, until you said something."
"I appreciate the fact that you want to remember," says Kageyama. "You shouldn't try to force yourself though." I look at him carefully. I search his eyes and I like what I see. I slowly reach my hand out but hesitate a moment before touching the side of his face. He just looks at me as if he stopped breathing. His skin is so warm, smooth, I slide my hand up into his hair with vision blurring. I remember gripping these strands in the moment of passion.
I look at Kageyama and he is handsome in every sense of the word. He is nicely toned not cut like Kuroo but enough for me to appreciate him. My hand reaches out touching his hair slowly. His hair is so soft as I caress the strands lightly. Kageyama opens his eyes staring at me causing me to freeze in place. Kageyama stares at me intensely. I look back him seeing his eyes swarming with emotions.
"What are you doing?" he asks. His voice is not threatening but I'm still scared. I go to remove my hand from his hair but he grabs my wrist sitting up. I look at him with fear traveling through my body. Kageyama leans in close to me and I continue to stare at him as he gets closer and closer. Kageyama stops short, hovering over my lips, staring at me as if he is trying to figure out if he wants to do this. I look back at Kageyama as I begin to breath hard because I want to kiss him. I lean up slowly as Kageyama reads my movement putting his lips on mine. Kageyama massages his lips against mine softly causing me to whimper. He pulls away staring at me with his face blushing.
What is he thinking right now? What is he feeling? I know I want to feel his lips on mine once more. I lick my lips as I look at him panting before leaning towards him. Like a magnet, Kageyama is leaning into me. I kiss him nervously but begin to relax a little as I hear Kageyama sigh into my mouth as if he needed my kiss more than anything in this world. I toss myself against his body wrapping my arms around his neck feeling this surge of passion. "Mmmhhhppp…" he says against my body weight.
"Ha…ha….."I moan into his mouth as I climb on his lap straddling him. I have never done something like this and it feels good. I'm so hard but so is Kageyama. "Mmmm….." I moan feeling his hard dick under my ass. I should be ashamed, scared, maybe more but I'm not. Kageyama wraps his arms around my waist bring me closer to his body as he deepens our kiss. "Ahhh…"I moan feeling his sweaty chest against me. This almost feels like an out of body experience. I never thought I would be here making out, let alone with a guy. It feels like my body is moving on its own.
"Ggrrrhhh….." growls Kageyama into my mouth. I slide my hands into his hair gripping those dark strands as he growls once more pulling away from my lips. I wonder what is he doing but soon he leans down running his tongue over my sweaty neck shocking me to my core. He begins to kiss and suck on my neck as I toss my head back with my hands holding on to his back.
"Ohhh…aaahhh….ha….."I moan. I blink becoming dizzy with arousal. If I have to say so myself this is closet I have ever felt to having sex, I actually want to have sex. I thrust my hips against him wanting to feel friction. "Nnngghhh…" My body feels like it is on fire. I whimper as I try to focus my vision as Kageyama continues to suck on my neck. My head starts to feel light and I begin to see black spots in front of my eyes. "Kageyama…" I can feel his hands gripping me tighter causing me to pant. "Kageyama…" My vision turns to black scaring the hell out of me. I can't even feel Kageyama anymore.
"Hinata!" says Kageyama. "Hinata!" I open my eyes and I can see him. He looks like he is glowing. I squint as it seems like he is getting brighter. I focus on Kageyama face. He looks very worried but I don't remember much. Where are we? I thought we were in the sauna.
I snatch my hand back turning away from him panting.
"Uh thanks," I reply still looking away from him. "I will be in touch with you." I take some deep breaths before standing up. "Thank you for answering what little questions I did have."
"Any time," he replies standing up. "I'm going to head out, seems like you need some space." Boy, don't I. "You don't have to walk me out." Kageyama bolts from the room and I feel terrible but I don't want him to see how hard I'm from my memory I had. It was bad enough to listen tell me how I lost my virginity. I see Akaashi come to my room door.
"Everything okay?" he asked.
"It's so hard….." I reply trying not to cry. "It's like I love him but I don't know who he is." Akaashi eyes get wide as he walks into the room dropping to his knees in front of me as the tears begin to fall.
"Shhhh….." he says hugging me. "It's okay, it's okay…."
"It's not okay," I cry. Akaashi hugs me tightly rubbing my back up and down.
"Have you considered talking to a professional?" he asks pulling out of the hug.
"I don't want to," I replied. "I had to talk to them for a year after my accident, no way am I going through that again." I wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to cry on you.
"It's okay," he replies. "You have a lot going on in your mind there. You went to dinner with him?"
"I did," I replied. "Like the dreams were getting worse."
"The dreams?" asked Akaashi. "Are they nightmares?"
"No…," I reply slowly. "They're dreams of sexual nature."
"Oh!" exclaims Akaashi shifting to sit on my bed.
"I mean before I would have them here and there," I explain. "But I started having them more and more often. Last night I had them 3 times." My cheeks get really hot. "I literally orgasm every single time I have them."
"Holy shit…" says Akaashi. "Like did something happen with you guys at camp?"
"He said we had sex," I replied blushing. "He was my first." I know Akaashi is a good person to discuss this with but it doesn't make it any easier. "I know it was more than that. It has to be, I feel like I'm slowly going crazy."
"That is why I think you should speak to a professional," says Akaashi crossing his legs. "What do you want?"
"Huh?" I ask.
"Do you want to date Kageyama?" he asks. "What is it you are looking to get out being friends with him?" I look at him as I think back to tonight. He seems like a really nice guy.
"I don't know," I reply. "I mean he seems to be holding on to memories of me. I'm not really that person anymore." Akaashi puts his hand on top of mine.
"Follow your heart," he instructs. "It sounds like you really love him and he may love you."
"He doesn't love me," I reply. "He loves the old me, that me doesn't exist anymore."
"So," says Akaashi. "Let him get to know the new you." He's right. I mean Kageyama seemed to enjoy being around me. Maybe he will love me as I am.
"Thanks, Akaashi," I reply smiling. "I'm going to give it a shot."
