Sorry about the long delay guys! I busted my laptop screen for the third time this year about a month ago and I figured it wasn't worth it to repair it again. I just bought a new one yesterday! I have to say that it is beautiful! Luckily for you guys I saved this chapter on a USB rather than my old laptop. Unluckily for readers of my other stories because I don't have those on my USB…anyway! Forgive me for the wait and I hope you enjoy this long update. It's rather fluffy, dramatic and OOC and might just earn the M rating….Also I sort of created my own little backstory within the events of the games. Nothing huge, just some Shenko goodness to tie everything together...
Thanks as always to my wonderful readers and reviewers. I wouldn't write without the support!
When Anderson discovered her plans to search for her crew he was surprisingly supportive. He made it clear he didn't want any harm to come to the baby or her but he understood her need to find them. He knew, as anyone close to her did, that she couldn't remember Kaidan. She'd never thought to ask him about Kaidan before, even though she'd received his personnel file from Anderson. Before she left she decided she needed to know everything she could about the man she wanted to remember so desperately. Anderson answered her email query immediately, giving her a time and a place to meet. Isabelle went to meet him prepared for the worst.
They met at Anderson's personal quarters. It provided them with privacy, as his room was swept daily for bugs and explosives. He greeted her with a warm hug and gestured for her to sit down on his sofa. He took the love seat across from her.
"So Shepard, you seemed anxious to speak to me. Are you beginning to regain your memories?"
Isabelle shook her head and sighed. Anderson was a pillar of support, a father figure when she had no one else to look up to. She felt comfortable speaking to him knowing he'd been on her side so many times before. "No, I'm not and that's the problem. I'm having Major Alenko's child." Her voice cracked. "I'm having Kaidan's child and I don't remember a single thing about him. I have to remind myself to call him Kaidan, even in my mind because to me he's simply a face. He's a stranger that I used to love, but I can't remember why! Why did I love him? Who is he?"
Anderson nodded frowning. "I see. This is serious. If I'd known this was what was troubling you I would have come to see you sooner." He got up and left the room, returning with his own omni-tool. "I can't tell you why you loved him, or even who he is. I can only show you things that might make you understand and tell you what I know about him."
Isabelle nodded, her hands reaching for her own omni-tool so he could pass her the information. She tapped her foot impatiently as the files transferred. It took only a moment. Anderson shook his head with a smile. "This is everything I could find about the events on Eden Prime and afterwards. Some of it is personal; most of it is things you already know. There's one section in particular you should see." He flipped through the pages, where she could see newspaper clippings, what looked like field reports, letters and pictures. Finally he stopped at a section and smiled. "I'm a romantic, always have been. When you and Kaidan met, I could already see the wedding bells in his eyes. You were a little harder to convince but he's a worthy man. I kept everything that concerned the two of you together in one section. I'd hoped one day to give it to you two as a wedding gift." He smiled sadly and gestured for her to start reading.
The first page had their names listed at the top, with a picture of the two of them dominating the page. Kaidan's arm was wrapped casually around her waist, her head resting on his shoulder. They looked completely at ease with each other, both wearing wide smiles. She forced herself to move on after studying the image interminably. In the picture Kaidan's hair was free of the gray at his temples, his face appearing younger.
"When was that?" She asked even as she moved on.
"After you defeated Saren you were given a week's leave. I was told that Garrus took that picture. He gave it to me for safe keeping."
She nodded, not daring to look up. She could feel the tears in her eyes. The first few sections were articles and vids about Eden Prime. She watched the same interview she'd seen before, Kaidan watching her with hero worship. There were a few pictures of them, some clearly taken without their knowledge. She devoured the articles, most mentioning Kaidan as a side note. There were rumours even then about their relationship, but most were from conspiracy or tabloid sites. The young Lieutenant and Commander an appealing sell to tabloids. Most were based on here-say and she disregarded them. The entire campaign against Saren was laid out before her through pictures, news articles, and vids. There was very little evidence that they were involved romantically. Until she got to two letters, or as she realized with horror, journal entries. The first one was hers. Shepard glared at Anderson.
Anderson shrugged. "Cerberus was watching you even then. These were pulled from encrypted files you sent to the Alliance after you started to work with Cerberus. I erased any evidence of them, trying to respect your privacy but I kept these."
Shepard nodded grudgingly and started to read. She read the first entry with apprehension. It was her personal encrypted journal. The thought infuriated her that Cerberus had been low enough to hack into her personal files.
What the hell am I doing? My feelings for Kaidan are compromising my decisions. It doesn't matter that saving him was the logical choice. It doesn't matter that saving him meant not only saving the man I…care about, but the STG team. If Kaidan had been the one with the bomb, would my decision have been different? I'm afraid it would have been. I'm afraid that I would have gone after him no matter the consequence. He knows my guilt. The whole team knows my guilt! And they look at me with sympathy, no one judging me for my decision. And I should feel guiltier than I am, but I'm so damn relieved that he's safe that I can't stop thanking God he was with STG. I hate Saren, and I'm going to take him down for Ashley. I hope that wherever she is, she can forgive me.
Isabelle looked up at Anderson with a stricken expression. "I chose Kaidan over Ashley? I killed Ashley Williams?"
Anderson immediately shook her head. "No, Shepard. Saren was responsible for Captain Williams' death. You had to make a tough decision, and you chose the one that would save the most lives."
"It says right here that if Kaidan had been with the bomb, I would have saved him. I was compromised!"
Anderson sighed. "You need to move past this. When you regain your memories, you'll see that you've come to terms with this. Either way you would have lost one of your team. The blame wasn't yours to shoulder and Ashley Williams would not have blamed you. She was a soldier, she knew the risks when she joined the Alliance, and she accepted them."
Isabelle nodded reluctantly and continued to read. The next entry was from Joker's journal.
I think something's going on with the Commander and Lieutenant Alenko. They've been getting preeetty close after missions. Of course, there's no evidence and no one has actually seen them acting inappropriately but I'm a sharp guy. I think I interrupted something just now. I was informing the Commander we were approaching Ilos and guess who she was with? Alenko. And I might not have been able to see them but I could tell they were flustered. Having a keen sense of observation is crucial to being the best pilot in the galaxy.
Isabelle would make sure to throttle Joker the next time she saw him. Cerberus had seen this, and made the obvious conclusions. If Anderson hadn't hid this, then everyone would know by now about whatever went down between the two of them.
She shook it off and read through the reports of her death and finally came to a vid where Alliance officials were getting a statement from Kaidan about her death. His face was drained of colour, his hands shaking, his eyes rimmed with red. She had the strongest urge to comfort him as she took in his unshaven jaw and unkempt hair. He looked horrible.
"Can you describe the events leading up to the death of Commander Isabelle Shepard?"
Kaidan seemed to be having trouble focusing, his eyes dark with pain. "Isabelle's dead. What else matters?"
"Kaidan, tell us what happened." Anderson appeared on screen, his sharp tone belied by the comforting hand he placed on Kaidan's shoulder, pain reflected in his own eyes.
Kaidan seemed to snap out of his daze, his shoulders squaring. "It all happened so fast. One moment everything was okay. We were drifting along looking for any remaining pockets of geth resistance. Joker reported a ship appearing out of nowhere, intent on our position. It was too late to enable the Normandy's stealth function because they'd already seen us. No one knew who they were." Kaidan paused, his voice hoarse with emotion. "We tried to make contact, but they didn't respond. They targeted our signal and Shepard ordered everyone to evacuate as they fired. It was chaos but Shepard remained in control. I wanted to stay, I asked to stay but she ordered me to evacuate with the others while she went to convince Joker to leave. That was the last time I saw her." Kaidan hung his head, his shoulders shaking with quiet sobs of grief.
The vid cut off there, just as the official started to ask another question. Isabelle's hands started to shake and she looked away from her omni-tool. She rested her head in her hands for a moment, overwhelmed by Kaidan's grief and her own reaction to it. She felt certain she'd never watched this before, and wished to never see it again. His pain tore at her own heart, evoking an emotion she'd felt only in her dreams. A strong need to protect him, to hold him and make his pain go away. Was this just a residual effect from a memory? Was this her own feeling, completely unconnected to what she felt before? She wasn't sure, but she knew she had to finish looking through what Anderson had given her.
There were official documents outlining his promotion to Major. His files appeared to be classified and she was surprised Anderson was so willing to show them to her. There were reports of his mental condition after her death, Kaidan forced to attend therapy after what his superiors deemed an intense overreaction to her death. He'd completed the therapy and was reassigned from the Normandy to covert ops. He was sent on some of the most dangerous and classified missions throughout Alliance space. He was sent to a training facility to train biotic recruits and after that it seemed like his hard work paid off. He was then scouted to become the second human Spectre in history, his dedication impressing even the council. This is where she came in. The rumours of her reappearance and subsequent Cerberus leanings causing the Alliance to have a field day. There were talks of revoking the scholarship in her name and tearing down the memorial dedicated to her, but the rumours were unfounded and the talk died down. She read through the files they'd managed to unencrypt from Cerberus, saw her medical reports and the technological miracle of her rebirth. She read the files Yeoman Kelly Chambers had secretly been sending the Illusive Man. Finally she read another of her own journal entries.
I saw Kaidan today. He looked good. I hoped that maybe we would be okay, that he might be convinced to join us against the Collectors. I was wrong. He wanted nothing to do with me, essentially called me a traitor…I died thinking that maybe one day I would actually get married, have kids, be normal. I died a woman in love, a woman who was loved. I woke up to this, more deaths, the galaxy needing so much more from me. And nothing is simple. My squad is scattered…and Kaidan no longer loves me. Sometimes I wonder why it had to be me. Why must I give until I have nothing left? Then I remind myself of all the people we need to save. Kaidan might not forgive me, and maybe he's right. But I need to save these people. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to look at his picture and wonder what went wrong.
To read her doubts was astonishing. The memories she had were resolved. She'd never wavered in her resolve to defeat the Reapers. But this proved she'd had and it was because of Kaidan. Maybe she'd loved him but so far her worst moments of indecision seemed to revolve around him. What the hell was she supposed to take from that? She kept reading, skimming through more articles until she reached, what she assumed was another journal entry. She realized upon closer inspection it was actually a letter addressed to her. It was from Kaidan.
Shepard,
I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?
Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.
But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.
When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.
-Kaidan (1)
Reading the letter didn't make her feel any better, knowing that despite his regrets he wasn't willing to give her a chance. The things she must have been feeling as she read this. Isabelle sighed for what felt like the hundredth time and wiped a stray tear out of her eye. Things seemed to move fast from there, her reinstatement as a Spectre, more missions, seemingly no contact with Kaidan throughout this time. Yet there were still reports from Chambers to the Illusive Man that she kept Kaidan's picture in easy view on her desk. She still cared about him.
Finally she was taken in and detained, pending a court martial on her decision to destroy the mass relay that killed over 300,000 batarian colonists. Shepard felt a little nauseous as she remembered that decision. Another decision that had cost lives, this time thousands of them. Was it worth it? Had it been worth it to stall the Reapers for such a short reprieve? She told herself it was, reminding herself that her actions had saved millions. She still had to swallow back the bitter taste in her mouth.
The next few segments in Anderson's Kaidan/Shepard montage were short. What was left to read was short and disorganized. She glanced up at Anderson with a quirked brow.
Anderson shrugged. "I haven't had time to incorporate the events after your court-martial. The Reapers were close and it was chaotic. I'm afraid that I'm missing important information. The saga of Shepard and Alenko is unfinished." He gestured to the last entry in her Omni-tool. "This is the most important thing, I think. Kaidan sent it to me after he heard I was compiling this. It's something you haven't seen that he wanted to save for you."
Isabelle took it with care, afraid of what she would see. Kaidan had meant for her to see this. It was essentially from him to her and she had a feeling it meant more than anything else she'd read or viewed so far. It was something she'd never seen, something untainted by old memories. Whatever she felt when she read this would be completely genuine. It would be a new memory, belonging solely to Isabelle the amnesiac. She stared at the screen for a few moments, and finally began to read.
Admiral Anderson
I've heard rumours about your little project. While I have no idea why you would be gathering information about Shepard and I, I still chose to help. It's nothing really, just a vid I made during the best moment of my life. Hope it fits into your little montage. I want Isabelle to see this one day, after all the craziness is over and be able to remember the moments that, I feel, made everything worth it.
He'd attached a video. The image was grainy, but she was still able to see it clearly. She watched it with bated breath. It began with Kaidan's face appearing on screen, with an introduction.
"Isabelle, I'm about to do something that might be crazy." He laughed nervously. "Actually I know it's crazy. I'm about to film the great Commander Shepard without her knowledge or consent. I hope you forgive me for this one day." His smile vanished for a moment. "This is the biggest decision of your life…well, I rescind that. This is the biggest personal decision of your life so far. I'm about to ask you a question. And you might say no." Kaidan's image moved in and out of focus as his hands shook. "If you do, I just want you to know that I understand and I won't hold it against you. The point is that I love you. I love you no matter what happens, no matter what the consequence, when this is over I'm going to tell the galaxy. I'll shout it from the proverbial rooftops!" He laughed nervously as Isabelle's voice could be heard distantly calling his name. "Well here you come. Wish me luck!"
There was shuffling as he attached the camera to his shirt. It must have been small, its appearance misleading. Isabelle watched herself walk on screen. She looked tired, her clothes streaked with dirt and her hair all over the place. Why would he want to ask her now?
"Hello beautiful." Kaidan's voice betrayed no sign of the nervous energy he'd been displaying only seconds earlier. He drew her into a kiss, the camera squished between the two of them as she kissed him back.
"Flattery will get you everywhere." She heard her own voice purr.
Kaidan's chuckle was deep and the sounds of kissing were the only things heard for a few moments, muffled by the rustle of fabric against the camera. She heard her own mew of disappointment as Kaidan pushed her away.
"Hey, quit trying to distract me!" Kaidan protested in mock annoyance. His hand came up to the camera adjusting the view. She watched him with confusion. "I have something important to tell you." Isabelle watched as her eyebrow rose in question.
"I don't know why you can't ask me this later." She cringed at the whine in her voice. "We have less than two hours alone. And I'd prefer we didn't talk through them, if you know what I mean, Major Alenko." Her voice dropped to a low purr.
Isabelle's face burned as Kaidan let out a strangled groan. The camera dipped involuntarily and she was given a view of her own hand gently fondling the growing bulge in Kaidan's pants. She didn't dare look up at Anderson, but the noise that erupted from his mouth was somewhere between a muffled laugh and a gasp.
Kaidan seemed to lose focus for a second and she watched in embarrassment as her casual wear jumpsuit was unzipped. If this had been a movie she would have been completely naked underneath. Luckily for her, she was wearing a tank top. The top half pooled at her hips, caught at the juncture of their hips, pressed so close together. She seriously wished someone would come barging right in at this moment. Anderson was quiet and she still couldn't look up. But she was unable to turn the vid off, needing to see some affirmation of what she'd felt. Kaidan finally seemed to come to his senses and pulled away from her with a reluctant groan.
"Isabelle." She shivered at the huskiness of his voice. Right now she could see why she'd wanted to skip the talk. His voice alone caused an embarrassing jolt of lust coursing through her. "I need to talk to you. It's important."
Isabelle watched herself pout and pull away. She seemed to still, her expression losing any playfulness as she took in Kaidan's expression. Whatever she saw seemed to have her worried. "Is everything okay Kaidan? Is it your parents?"
Kaidan was fixing the camera, the line of sight moving to just above her head. His voice was calm and reassuring. "No, Isabelle. I haven't heard anything bad about my parents." He shuffled, the camera bouncing a little. She heard herself gasp and suddenly she was back in view, Kaidan having dropped to one knee.
"Isabelle, I know this might seem sudden. I know that we could die at any moment. I know that this might seem crazy and out of the blue, but to me it isn't. I started to think of the things I wanted for my future. And in every scenario, you were in it." He paused, his voice catching. "I love you, Isabelle, more than anything. And I can't imagine a future where we're not together. I know that our relationship hasn't been easy, but nothing worth fighting for ever is. This ring is my promise to you. I'm going to make it back to you, whatever it takes." He held out a ring to her, a simple silver band, adorned with a simple emerald. Isabelle loved it. "Isabelle Shepard, will you marry me?"
He waited for her answer; they both did as Isabelle watched her own face. She seemed to be in shock; her eyes going down to the ring Kaidan held out to her and back to his face. The next moments dragged on as her mouth opened and closed, without a single sound leaving her lips. Isabelle wanted to shake herself and tell her to answer already! She might not remember him, but at this moment she'd say yes to anything he suggested. The aching tenderness in his voice making her heart clench.
"Isabelle?" Kaidan's voice was devastated. Clearly he'd taken her silence as a rejection.
Isabelle watched as she finally came to her senses. Tears started to pour out of her eyes a she threw herself at Kaidan. The view was once again dark as she tackled Kaidan to the ground.
"Yes, Kaidan!"
Kaidan's joy was clear, his laughter filled with excitement. There were muffled sounds of rustling clothes. The camera seemed to be thrown across the room, a quick view of the ceiling shooting past before the screen went black.
A few seconds later Kaidan appeared on screen, this time sans shirt. Isabelle greedily took in his well-defined pecs and abs before focusing on his face. His hair was tousled and he was sporting a hickey on his neck. His smile almost stopped her heart. His entire expression radiated joy and contentment.
"Sorry about that Admiral. As you can see she said yes! I'll accept your congratulations after the Reaper's are taken care of. I really should edit this before I send it to you but there isn't time. We're on a tight schedule gathering support and allies." The camera panned to Shepard, the only things visible were her feet and her red hair. "Isabelle's asleep. She needs it, otherwise I'd let her say hello. Take care, Admiral. Don't take any unnecessary risks or Shepard will kick your ass." The video cut off without further warning.
Anderson coughed. "Well, maybe I should have waited in the other room while you watched that. I didn't watch this before I showed it to you."
"Maybe." It was awkward. Admiral Anderson had seen evidence of Kaidan and her sex life. Obviously he knew they'd had sex. Her pregnancy proved that. But for him to see it confirmed was something she'd never imagined could happen. And Kaidan had sent it to him.
"Shepard, I don't think he watched it before he sent it. At least, I don't think he would have sent it, if he had."
"Yes, well…"She cleared her throat, finally raising her eyes. "I needed to see that. I haven't been able to figure out why I loved Kaidan Alenko. Maybe that's not what I should be focused on. Obviously, I did love him. But I need to find him. It's been months since we've lost contact with the Normandy. I need to find my crew, and I need to figure out what I'm going to do about my memory loss."
Anderson nodded. "I agree, we need to find the Normandy. And I know that having no memory of Kaidan is making it hard for you to feel a connection to him. But please don't make any rash decisions. I care about your happiness, but I also care about his. His memories are intact. As far as he knows, you still love him, and you're engaged."
Isabelle swallowed hard and nodded. "Where's my engagement ring, then? Why wasn't it found on, or near my body? I feel lost when it comes to my pregnancy. If I had a single connection to him, something I could touch with my own hands, then I think I could do what you're asking and give a practical stranger a chance."
Anderson nodded. "I understand, and perhaps I should have given this to you earlier." She watched with confusion as he left the room, returning moments later with a chain hanging from his closed fist. Her throat suddenly felt tight and her chest ached at the sight. What was he giving her?
He cleared his throat. "When you fell it was thousands of feet up. Your very survival is a miracle. And as broken as Jack found you, the clothes you were wearing, the items you had on you were destroyed, including this." He held out his hand to her and at first she stared at what he was holding not comprehending. It looked like a piece of twisted metal. She frowned and gestured at it.
"What are you showing me?"
"Your dogtags, and attached to them are Kaidan's. You were wearing both sets when they managed to pull you from the wreckage. They wanted to dispose of them, the metal was disfigured and had heated up on re-entry. I read in your medical record that it left a fairly nasty burn on your neck, when the armour you were wearing to protect your throat was ripped off. I saved them for you."
Isabelle's hand went immediately to the collar of her shirt, a scar in the shape of her dogtags burned permanently into her throat. A reminder of the pain she endured as she recovered, even after being unconscious for weeks. She'd thought her tags had been thrown out. It was a passing thought that held no importance next to the confusion of waking up without a memory. To find out that the scar was from Kaidan's tags as well. She swallowed hard and reached for them, her hands shaking as she pulled them close. The words were almost illegible. The tags had melted together obscuring their names. But she could read part of her name and part of his and it seemed symbolic to her. That she had fell towards death with his name around her neck and possibly the last words from her lips.
She looked up at Anderson with tears in her eyes. "Thank you, sir."
Isabelle found herself enveloped in a hug as tears fell from her eyes. She tried to restrain them but she was an emotional wreck, her hormones all over the place. So she let herself be held and let herself cry out the grief and frustration that had been overshadowing her for weeks. This was the last time she'd let pregnancy hormones get the best of her.
After a few moments she pulled away, wiping her eyes and sniffling. She squared her shoulders and looked at Anderson with resolve.
"When am I leaving?"
(1)The letter you receive from Kaidan sometime after the events on Horizon in Mass Effect 2. I just had to include it.
Sooo hopefully you guys enjoyed the chapter. It flowed surprisingly well after I started writing. I had no idea what I was planning to write or what I actually wrote until I reread it. I'm satisfied with it and I hope you guys liked it as well! Here's to hoping the next chapter goes as smoothly.
