A/N: Thank you for reading. And please forgive me for what I'm about to put Steve through at the beginning. It'll be worth it...I think...I hope...
Disclaimer: All owned by Marvel or Ken Kesey (If you haven't read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, I highly recommend it.)
Steve is at the S.H.I.E.L.D. boxing gym later than usual. No one is there. The agents prefer the one that has the machines for running and rowing and all kinds of things. If Steve's going to run, he'd prefer to actually get somewhere. Still, he wonders if he should start using the gym in Stark Tower. Tony said he reinforced the cable that holds the hanging bag. Theoretically, that means the bags would last longer under Steve's barrage of punches.
Steve goes through four hanging bags before moving to sit-ups and then pull-ups. Every so often, whenever his mind strays over the events of last night and this morning, a smile escapes his lips.
Natasha walks in just as he's lifting his head over the bar for the 42nd time. "You OK, Cap?" she asks.
"Yeah. I'm fine," he says as he completes numbers 43 through 46.
"Anything you want to tell me?"
"Like what?"
"Like why Loki was seen entering your apartment last night but didn't leave until this morning."
Steve drops to the ground. "You spying on me, Agent Romanoff?"
"I'm not the only spy in S.H.I.E.L.D."
He begins unwrapping his hands. "Does Director Fury know?"
"He asked me to come get you."
Steve takes a deep breath. He should know by now that every moment of happiness comes with a price. "Fine, just let me shower, and I'll be right with you."
xxxxxxxx
When they walk in to Director Fury's office, Clint, Bruce, and Tony are there, too. Thor is in New Mexico visiting Jane. The crowd immediately puts Steve on edge.
"You wanted to see me, Director?"
"Take a seat." Director Fury wastes no time in getting to the point. "It has come to my attention that you and Loki spent last night together. Would you care to explain?"
"No, Sir, not really."
"Let me clarify. That was not a request. Explain yourself, Soldier."
Steve can feel the anger beginning to rise within him. He takes a breath. He is a soldier. He has to keep a level head. "Loki came by. It got late. I asked him if he wanted to stay. He said yes and left this morning." Order: followed. "Now would you care to explain, Sir, why you have people watching my apartment?"
"Given the information about Loki's visits, we thought it might be wise to keep an eye on you."
No one makes an eye-patch joke, though several really want to. Number one on that list asks this instead, "Excuse me. I'm sorry, but why am I here?"
"You're here, Mr. Stark, because this involves Loki, which involves all of you." Tony doesn't seem to be convinced, but Fury doesn't really care. "Now, Captain, would you care to tell us what you and Loki discussed while he was at your apartment all night long?"
"I don't see how that is any of your business, Sir."
"We need to know if you've been compromised, Captain Rogers."
"I haven't, Sir."
"I'm sorry, but I don't believe you."
The super soldier tenses. "We talked about the book I'm reading."
"And that took over 11 hours?"
"No, Sir, but that's what we talked about." Fury just raises an eyebrow. Steve wonders if Bruce's anger feels anything like this when he transforms. "Why don't you ask the real question on your mind, Sir?"
"All right, I will. Captain Rogers, did you have sex with the enemy known as Loki Odinson last night?" Steve stays silent, not quite sure how to answer. "Do I need to ask that again?"
The truth is that Steve doesn't know how to answer. "Depends on your definition of sex, Sir," is all he can think of to say and then regrets it once he does.
The answer surprises Tony, and he is suddenly very interested. "Wait, what? Do you really not know what sex is?"
"I know what it is, I just…If sex is defined by penetration, then, no, Sir, we did not have sex."
Tony is confused. "What did you do then? And spare no details. Wait, on second thought, this is Loki we're talking about. Maybe you should spare all of the details."
Bruce looks from Steve to Fury. "Do we really need to be here for this?"
The Director ignores Dr. Banner. "What exactly did you and Loki do, Captain?"
"Do they have to be here?" Steve echoes Bruce's question.
"Yes," all of the Avengers except Dr. Banner answer at once.
"Just tell us what happened, son."
"I'm not your son," he snaps at the Director, sounding an awful lot like Loki.
Fury changes tactics. "Tell us what happened, Soldier. That's an order."
Steve's jaw tenses and his nostrils flare in anger. If Fury wants to know what happened, then he'll tell him. His voice is clipped as though reading quickly through a to-do list. "He came by my apartment. We talked about why he didn't escape his cell."
"And why didn't he?," demands Fury, breaking Steve's train of thought.
The super soldier hesitates, the anger turning into confusion. He shakes his head. "To see me."
Fury knows Steve believes the god but doesn't think for one moment it is the truth. "Okay. Then what?" When the soldier doesn't answer, he prompts, "You talked about why he didn't escape his cell. He said it was because he wanted to see you. What happened next? What did you do?"
"We kissed. It got intense, but he knew I wasn't ready. So…So we…"
"You what, Captain?"
Steve closes his eyes. This is none of their business. The anger is returning, and his right hand clenches into a fist. He opens his eyes and stares directly at Fury. "We masturbated. I invited him to stay the night. He slept with me in my bed. And by slept I mean lost consciousness, not that it's any of your business. Next morning we woke up and had breakfast. We got dressed. He left, and I went to the gym. End of story. Anything else, Sir?"
"Wait," Stark said as soon as Steve's speech ended, "you masturbated? Like, in front of each other?"
"Oh, like you've never done that, Mr. Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist."
"No, I have. It's pretty hot, actually. I'm just surprised that you did." Tony tries to lighten the conversation and ease the tension in the room. He pretends to wipe a tear from his eye. "Our little Cap is growing up and discovering his body. I'm so proud."
The super soldier is not amused. "Shut it, Stark. Are we done, Sir?"
Fury keeps silent, trying to decide on the best course of action.
Steve gets impatient and stands up. "Never mind."
"I did not give you permission to leave, Soldier," Fury calls after the Captain who is just about to step out of the room.
He pauses just long enough to say, "I don't really give a damn, Sir." As he walks to the elevator, he can hear footsteps and someone calling his name. Steve pretends not to hear them. He is in no mood to deal with anyone right now. Two seconds after jabbing the elevator button, he decides it is too slow and takes the stairs instead. Ignoring everyone along his path, Steve retrieves his motorcycle from the garage and drives away. There is no destination in his mind, he just needs to go, to drive and drive and feel the miles pass beneath him.
Bruce walks slowly back to the conference room after watching Steve take the stairs. He stops at the door. "Was that really necessary, Director?"
"For the good of the team, yes, I believe it was."
Bruce hovers at the door until he catches Tony's attention, silently asking his fellow-scientist to follow him. "That was ridiculous," Bruce says when they are far enough away from the Director's office not to be overheard. Tony just shrugs. "Come on, Tony. Are you telling me you would have been okay with Fury asking you those questions?"
"Hell, no. But I'm not sleeping with someone who wants to kill us."
"Are you sure about that?" They step into the elevator, and Bruce pushes the button for the Garage. "Regardless, not all of us are as open with our relationships as you. And this has to be difficult for Steve. Remember when he comes from. Homosexuality was considered deviant behavior back then. You have to think he'd be a bit freaked out by this."
Tony sighs overdramatically. "Yeah, ok, but I don't think he'd want to talk about it with me."
"We should do something," he insists as the elevator doors open.
Tony thinks for a bit. "OK. I've got something. Let's go get Loki. When Cap comes back, if he sees Loki doesn't care, then this all stops."
"And if he does care?"
"Ha! Yeah, right. Like Loki has feelings."
"We've still got to find him," Bruce says, pointing out the obvious flaw in Tony's plan.
"Let's assume he's close by. I don't think he'd leave the city after last night's escapades. Do you? I'll have JARVIS start a search."
xxxxxxxxx
A few hours later, JARVIS informs Mr. Stark that Loki is currently at the New York Public Library on 5th Avenue and 42nd Street. It seems rather odd to Tony and Bruce, but there is a 95% accuracy rate, so that's where they go.
They find Loki sitting quietly at a table with several books scattered around him. He is so engrossed that he doesn't hear the two men approach. Tony, of course, decides to announce themselves by picking up the one book Loki is reading.
"A history of baseball? Not exactly what I would expect an alien enemy to be reading."
Loki glares at them. "What do you want, Stark? Or is it illegal for me to use public resources?"
Tony and Bruce take seats on the opposite side of the table from Loki. "Steve told us about last night's extracurricular activities," he says while picking up each book, looking at the title, and passing it to Bruce.
"Did he?" Loki doesn't believe him. Steve is an honorable man, and last night was private, special.
"Yep. I'd be proud of him if it hadn't of been…with…you?"
"Is that a question?"
It is the books that make Tony hesitate. Along with the one about baseball that Loki has been reading, there is a biography of Glenn Miller, a book on WWII propaganda, The Grapes of Wrath, an overview of the best films from the 1940s, and a history relating the rise and fall of the Third Reich.
Bruce looks at the books and then at Loki. The realization is stunning. "You're in love with him."
"I beg your pardon?"
"These books…you're trying to understand him, to learn about the world he comes from." Dr. Banner sounds as though he is laying evidence to support his hypothesis.
"Perhaps I'm trying to learn how best to manipulate him."
"You could just do that with sex," Banner remarks simply.
After a moment, Loki explains, "He likes baseball. I thought it would be nice to go to a game together, but first I wished to understand the rules and the major players. Where is the Captain? And why are you here?"
"Short version," Stark offers. "There was a meeting at S.H.I.E.L.D. Cap left angry. We were hoping to prove you didn't care about him."
"I do not understand."
"Doesn't matter. Does he have a way to get in touch with you?"
"No."
"Ok, well, if he answers his cell, we'll ask him to come to Stark Tower. Please don't wreck it this time. It will make Bruce angry."
"Am I coming?"
"Yes, and Bruce will be there to keep you in line."
"The Other Guy loves to smash puny gods," Bruce reminds them.
Loki blanches slightly. "And if I refuse?"
Bruce just smiles and says, "He loves to smash puny gods."
xxxxxxxxx
Steve is in Niagra Falls. He doesn't really remember riding there, but there it is right in front of him. Truthfully, he only stopped because he didn't have his passport with him. He is gazing absently at the mass of water streaming down when he hears someone singing "Now the time is here For Iron Man to spread fear" out of his pocket.
Tony.
Steve pulls out his phone not yet sure if he is going to answer it. His thumb hovers over the screen for a moment ("Vengeance from the grave Kills the people he once saved") before accepting the call.
"What do you want, Tony?"
"Where are you?"
"Niagra Falls"
"Niagra Falls? What are you doing there? Never mind. Bruce and I are back at Stark Tower with your boy toy. Get your ass back here pronto." With that said, Tony hangs up.
It takes a few moments before Steve translates Tony-speak into English. Once he does, he immediately heads back to Manhattan.
While the trip to Niagra Falls had only seemed to take a few moments, the trip back feels like forever. It is dark by the time Steve pulls into the garage and boards the elevator.
"JARVIS, tell Stark I'm here and take me to wherever they are."
"Immediately, Sir. And welcome back to Stark Towers."
The elevators open to Bruce and Tony playing a video game as Loki watches from a nearby chair, a magazine in his hand.
"There's the stud!" Tony exclaims after the elevator ding alerts him to look around. "Let's eat. I asked JARVIS to order us some Thai. We were just waiting for you before we started."
"What's going on?" Steve asks.
"Dinner. Then talking. Don't look so scared, Spangles. We're here to help."
They eat in awkward silence peppered with a comment or two from Tony. Pepper is in Tokyo dealing with some nervous investors. Then she was going to Singapore to look at the new manufacturing plant being built. Tony is adding some more cool stuff to his newest Iron Man suit but won't go into specifics.
After dinner everyone is done eating, Steve again asks what this is all about.
Loki answers. "They said you were upset this morning but didn't exactly tell me why."
Steve really does not want to have this conversation in front of Tony and Bruce, but he doesn't seem to have much choice. "S.H.I.E.L.D. put cameras in the halls of my apartment building. They saw you come into my apartment last night and not leave until this morning. They wanted to know…"
"You told them." There is no emotion in Loki's voice, no sense of the betrayal he is beginning to feel. "You told them everything."
"Only in general terms."
"In general terms," the tone is sharp. "How general?"
"I told them," Steve licks his lips, "I told them…"
"What?" Loki demands as the anger begins to rise.
"That we…We…" He purses his lips and looks at Loki's crotch.
"But in general terms," Loki spits.
"No details," Steve confirms.
"No?" Loki leans out of his seat and into Steve's space. "So you didn't tell them how you demanded I quote Whitman as I climaxed or how you were so intent on your own climax that you wouldn't let me slow you down?"
Tony and Bruce do not need to know that and are now wishing they were somewhere else.
"No, of course not." Steve's eyes are pleading with Loki to understand.
"No, of course not, what." His voice is cold.
"What?" Steve is confused.
"What's my name?"
"Loki," he says still confused.
Loki grabs Steve's chin then repeats deliberately, slowly, "What is my name?"
Steve understands. He can see the hurt and disillusionment behind those angry green eyes now tinged with gray. "Silvertongue," he answers softly.
"Good boy." The god lets his hand drop.
Crap. Tony and Bruce share a look. Is Steve really this far gone? They get their answer as soon as they hear Steve's voice again. It's just as strong as Loki's had been. "OK. Now what's my name? Is it Thor? Is it Odin? Who am I?"
There is a pause before Loki quietly replies, "O Captain, My Captain." His eyes show more pain than anger now.
"Exactly. Now sit back down and let me explain."
The god sits and waits. Tony and Bruce are stunned. Cap's response and Loki's acquiescence are definitely not what they expected. But they are oddly encouraged by it.
Steve's explanation consists of one sentence. "I was ordered to tell them."
Loki is disappointed but not surprised. "And like a good little soldier you did."
"You really hate that about me, don't you?"
"I hate how much faith you have in them. They installed cameras in your building. Next they'll be installing them inside your apartment. Then you won't have to tell them what we did. They can just watch us. And I bet they love to watch."
"They wouldn't put cameras in my home."
"Yes, they would," say three voices in near unison.
Bruce speaks up. "I can't believe I'm agreeing with Loki on this, but…I can tell you, S.H.I.E.L.D. kept an eye on me the whole time I was in hiding. I didn't even know it until Agent Romanoff came by to recruit me. The truth of the matter is that Loki is considered dangerous. And as long as you're seeing him, not only will they want to know everything about your relationship, but they'll also consider you to be a threat."
"So what do I do?" Steve asks. He's already tired of the scrutiny, of everyone distrusting him because of Loki.
"Nothing," Loki answers. "I've always known you'd choose your country, your world over me. That's why I tried to stay away. I knew the more time I spent with you the more difficult it would be to leave. You and I both know I don't do difficult well."
"You could reform," Steve suggests hopefully.
Loki caresses the side the Steve's face. "O Captain, my Captain," he says lovingly, "if anyone could reform me, it's you. But…"
"But I've always known you'd choose chaos over me."
"We are who we are," the god states, letting his hand drop.
"I was empty without you. I don't want to go back there."
"Even if I were to try, they would never trust me."
"You'll earn their trust."
"And Thor?" he asks quietly.
"You'll earn his trust, too."
"But will he earn mine? Some chasms are too wide, too deep." Loki crosses his arms across his chest.
And there it was. "So you're not even going to try. Guess I'm just not worth fighting for."
"You're the only reason I'd even consider it."
Steve makes one last plea. "Then try. If you care about me, if I was ever anything more than just a plaything to you, please try."
Loki is torn. He wants so much to be deserving of Steve, but he knows he never can be. Or he'd have to change completely, irrevocably to do so, and that makes him think of Randle McMurphy. "Finish reading your book. If you still want me to try afterwards, I will."
Steve is confused but figures Loki has a good reason for the condition. "How would I contact you?"
"We'll set up an email account," Tony declares. "Anonymous. Loki will agree to check it every day. Steve, you'll email him whenever you've finished the book with your answer. What book is it anyway?"
"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," Steve tells them.
Tony and Bruce exchange another look, knowing the ending but not quite understanding the significance.
"Have you read it?" Steve asks after catching their nonverbal communication.
Bruce has. Tony saw the movie. They say nothing else. Tony sets up the email address and makes it accessible on an iPad. He then shows Loki how to check it. He or Bruce will help Steve send the email when the time comes.
In return for his help, Loki tells Tony why the Green Goblin was trying to get into Stark Tower. Tony immediately tells JARVIS to increase security around the diamond research and to inform Pepper of the situation.
Steve and Loki don't touch until it's time to leave. Then they don't want to let go. "I love you, Steve Rogers. No matter what, do not forget that."
"You love me?" the artist asks.
Loki nods, and they kiss, tenderly trying to commit the moment to memory as though it's for the last time.
"I'll see you soon," Steve promises as the elevators begin to close. "I love you," he hurriedly calls out hoping Loki heard. That was not how he planned to say those words for the first time.
"You okay?" Bruce asks.
"I've got some reading to do," he replies with a familiar look of determination then walks to the elevator, waiting for it to return.
"Do you want to talk about anything before you leave? Maybe you have some questions?" Dr. Banner presses.
Steve looks at him questioningly.
"Bruce thinks you might be freaking out about your feelings because Loki is, well, a guy."
Steve gives a small smile as he rubs the back of his neck. "Honestly, I think I was more freaked out about him being an alien than a guy, maybe because I know he can change into a woman if he wants. At least, I think he can. Still I realized it isn't about where he's from or whether he looks like a man or not. Don't get me wrong. I like women. Always have. Always will. And yeah, Loki has never come to me as a woman. But he's Loki. I don't have a good explanation. We fit. We argue and aggravate each other. But we also challenge and see the best in each other. And we fit. He feels like home." The elevator doors open. "Thanks, guys. I really appreciate this."
"Well, that was interesting," Tony tells Bruce as both stare at the closed elevator.
"He can become a woman? When did that happen?"
"I wonder what the deal is with Cuckoo's Nest? Seems an odd choice. Although I always did think Nurse Ratched was kinda hot."
"There is something seriously wrong with you," Bruce says, shaking his head.
"What. She's a nurse. Nurses are hot."
