If It Meant Living - Chapter 7

"Sins"


Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.


The distress call had come in just as they were returning from a little side trip to retrieve Wrex's ancestral family armor. If such a thing were possible, Wrex could possibly be considered giddy. Shepard was grinning and shaking her head at Wrex when Joker broke in over the comm. An asteroid was being artificially propelled straight into humanity's largest extra-solar colony and they were the only ship with a hope of reaching it in time. So they turned around, put their armor back on, and landed the Mako on an asteroid – to Joker's gleeful delight.

Shepard jumped out of the Mako to turn on a transmitter at the crest of a "hill" and stopped in her tracks. Terra Nova dominated the sky, looming impossibly large over the asteroid. She swore she could almost reach out and touch it. It was stunning. She had seen many beautiful places in her life; that fact in no way detracted from the fact that the vista in front of her was absolutely stunning.

"Anyone got a camera?"

"Sorry Commander, left it on the Normandy with the backpacks and picnic basket." Shepard shot Ashley a mildly dirty look. If she didn't want to appreciate the spectacular sight above, that was just fine. Shepard would stand there and gawk as long as she wanted, dammit.

Her gawking was promptly interrupted by a squawk on the radio. A woman's voice started speaking in what seemed a hushed whisper. "I don't know who you are, but I hope you're here to help. There are three propulsion torches around the asteroid you need to shut off."

"Who is this?"

"My name's Kate Bowman, an engineer on the project – I need to go; they're holding us hostage in the—" She broke off in static.

Shepard wistfully took one last look of wonder at the view before her. "Time to go to work."

The first torch was just down the hill, the "off" switch presumably in the adjoining building. A vehicle was parked outside. They went in with weapons drawn.

A Batarian mercenary team met them inside the door. Goddamn Batarians.

The room exploded in mass effect fields and bullets. After appropriately dealing with the mercenaries, they quickly located the conveniently-labeled "off" switch. One down, two to go.

On the way back out, however, they were met by a human. Did he seriously just shoot at her? She sighed. Her rule about trying to kill someone who was shooting at her was really become more of a "guideline," wasn't it? Chief engineer on the project, turned out. He explained in excruciating detail just how much worse the situation was than she had thought. He also had some helpful information on the Batarian terrorists running this operation.

Shepard responded to the information with disdain. "The Batarian government is a rogue state. They don't abide by the Citadel's rules, regulations or treaties. And…if even they can't keep their own crazies in line, well, we'll do it for them."

As they left the building Kaidan remarked, "Commander…I've never heard you talk about aliens that way before."

"Then you've never heard me talk about Batarians before. I've never met one who was worth one goddamn."

Kaidan frowned. "Well, neither have I, I suppose, but I don't doubt they exist."

"I do. Slavers, thieves, killers. Every one of them." Shepard quickened her pace and strode off towards the Mako.

Unwilling to let it go, Kaidan jogged up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Shepard, stop. What's going on? I've never seen you like this before."

She whirled around, knocking his hand away. Her face was as hard as steel behind the breather mask. She stared at Kaidan with such intensity he flinched. "Batarians killed my parents. My friends. My classmates. My teachers. Just about everyone I'd ever known in fact. On Mindoir…I was sixteen years old."

"I…I'm so sorry Shepard. I didn't know you were from Mind– "

She kept going, as if not noticing he had spoken. "On Elysium they spent ten hours trying to kill me. Damn near succeeded. They killed everyone around me, those I had promised to protect. They intended to kill tens of thousands of people, whose only sin was being successful, of creating something new and bright." Her eyes burned with hatred – or possibly with tears. "They failed that day, but obviously they are undeterred."

She looked up at the beautiful planet looming ever closer. "Today they plan to kill millions. Millions." She thrust a finger at Kaidan's chest. "I will notlet them do this." She turned on heel and practically charged the Mako, leaving Kaidan and Ashley standing frozen, mouths agape.

...

She flipped the "off" switch on the second torch. Kate came on the comm link. "Wonderful! Only one mo—"

A Batarian interrupted her. "Who's shutting down the torches?" The silence stretched across the seconds. Then a shot rang out; the comm went dead.

Shepard stared unblinking for a moment. "Fuck!" She slammed her fist into the control panel.

Kaidan instinctively reached out for her but his hand stopped short. "Shepard –"

"Come on. We're running out of time." She turned and stormed down the stairs, droplets of blood falling from her knuckles and marking her path. For the second time in less than 30 minutes she left Ashley and Kaidan standing speechless.

...

The first minute of the drive over to the last torch occurred in silence. Finally Kaidan could stand it no longer.

"Look, Shepard – "

"Don't."

He sighed in frustration. "Well can I at least take a look at your hand? Get some medi-gel on it?"

"I said don't. It's fine."

The remainder of the drive occurred in silence.

...

They came down the stairs from turning off the last torch to find a small group of Batarians waiting for them. Shepard's hand pulled back, readying a biotic throw, when the Batarian in front raised his hands in a universal peace offering.

"This doesn't have to end in bloodshed. The whole thing has gone to hell anyway. I told Balak it was a bad idea."

She stared at the Batarian, ice in her eyes.

"This isn't just a slave grab any more. Millions of people are going to die. You keep listening to this Balak and you and your men will end up dead."

"I know that! I knew this was trouble from the start." He sighed. "But what Balak wants, Balak gets. I can't change that."

"I can." She fired.

...

She stared at Balak in utter disbelief. Did he really just blame Elysium on humans?

"I'm leaving this asteroid. If you try to stop me, I'll detonate the charges on the holding cell and your helper and her friends are all doing to die. Kill me and you kill them. Choose."

Shepard stood perfectly still. She didn't blink. Her finger on the trigger twitched.

Kaidan interjected. "Shepard, it's over. We stopped the asteroid. You don't have to—"

She fired.

Balak staggered and fell. "You humans think you're so superior. But you're no better than us. I gave you a chance to save them and you threw it away. Who is the real terrorist now?"

"You. But you're dead."

She fired again.

Balak sputtered and fell silent – his hand opened – a trigger rolled across the floor.

Behind her a bomb exploded.


She sat on her bed in the pitch dark, arms wrapped around her knees, pulled close to her chest. In her mind the fallen bodies of her classmates became bodies piled up against a barricade became a room of bodies charred beyond recognition, cycling in an endless loop.

There was a knock on the door. She ignored it.

A second knock. She ignored it.

The third knock never came.

She didn't have to do it.

She could recite a long list of excuses why it was a justifiable decision. Tried to find new reasons to add but kept coming up blank.

Kaidan had been right. The colony had already been saved.

She didn't have to do it.

And what good had it done? It didn't bring back her father, her mother. It never did. It didn't bring back Riley or Jennifer. Hell, it didn't even bring back Sergeant Bradley or Ensign Anders.

She saw the bodies charred beyond recognition before the loop cycled again. Their blood – Kate Bowman's blood – Kate, who had stood up and risked her life to help Shepard save them all – all their blood – was on her hands.

It would be many hours before she slept.


After a day of doing nothing but flying, they all sat around the mess table for dinner. Wrex regaled them with a wild tale of a three-day battle against an Asari commando and friend. "And then I got this message. All it said was 'Better luck next time.' Son of a bitch, somehow she had gotten out! What a girl!" Laughter abounded around the table.

The story concluded, everyone started to disperse.

"Ashley, Kaidan, hang out with me for a minute." They quickly resumed their seats, Ashley across from her, Kaidan beside her.

She took a deep breath. "I owe both of you an apology. I behaved badly yesterday. Unprofessionally. You had no way to know of my history, of my…feelings, and you didn't deserve the way I treated you. I don't – I've had other hostile encounters with Batarians in the last six years; I don't know exactly why this one set me off so badly. Regardless, it was unfair to you. And for the record, if I had it to do over again I would let Balak go. Killing him wasn't the right choice. He was a bad guy, but it wasn't worth the cost. Anyway, I'm sorry."

"It won't happen again."

Ashley flared, fervor in her voice. "Commander, if I had been through what you had, I would have absolutely done the same! Probably worse. I don't have a personal reason to hate Batarians, though I do. But you – you – have the most justifiable reason I've ever heard in my life to feel the way you do. Don't beat yourself up over it. I wouldn't. This is a war. People die. Sacrificing lives is just the price we pay for making the tough decisions, for doing what has to be done." She sat back and crossed her arms in some measure of defiance.

Kaidan simply said "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

Underneath the table, though, he reached over and squeezed her hand.

For that moment she didn't worry about what it might mean, about regs and ranks; she simply returned the squeeze, grateful to not be alone.

Understanding, he didn't let go.