A/N: So I had a graduation Friday, my uncle's birthday yesterday, and now another graduation today… URRR! I'm just one man dammit! And if I'm raging, you know what time it is…
Love it or hate it, the soundtrack of Dark Souls was a massive departure from the Demon's Souls humble but passionate themes. Love it or hate it, there were many great themes to be heard.
Major props to the composer for making every- fucking- theme in this game kick so much ass it's near impossible to order them, even more so than Dark Souls 2...
18) Sanctuary Guardian: This theme was pretty good with its instrumentation and chorus but much like the boss- it is just- there. I don't get a big emotional impact form hearing it, it's just a good theme.
17) Ash Lake: not a boss theme- but- dat chorus, dem trees, dat scenery…
16) Gwyn, Lord of Cinder: BWAAA? Putting Gwyn third to last!? Inconceivable! Well, I have a reason: the theme was good- damn good, in its simplicity and somber mood. It fit the last boss very well- but since it is so simplistic, there isn't much to pick out and narrate on, so it falls this low for that reason only. Plus, there are a few other tragic themes on the list that did a better job…
15) Great Grey Wolf Sif: This theme- is so- just- waaaaaaahhhhhhhhh Sif! Why did I have to kill you, it didn't have to end this way! (T.T)
14) Knight Artoiras: the tragic element in this theme is one of the best the series ever produced- I consider only a few to ever surpass it, more in that later. But something that bothered me is that the fast, aggressive pace toward the middle- the one that only lasts about ten or fifteen seconds- was perfect for the fight, and knight Artorias. The rest of it- the painfully slow and simplistic note- just did not fit.
If the whole song was like it was in that sweet spot, this song would be damn near the top of the list.
13) Taurus Demon: This theme was nothing too astonishing, but it fit the fight very well and incorporated a lot of good chorus work and has the boon of being very memorable.
12) Chaos Witch Quelaag: This was another theme that fit its boss like a glove- especially that opening shout of the chorus. The theme felt dark and twisted, but has an annoying habit of fading into the background and getting lost, which isn't very good.
11) Pinwheel: one of the biggest pansies in all of Souls? Maybe, but his theme- It was interesting and the sitar (i think it's a sitar, could be wrong) gave it one of the most unique opening notes of any song in the series.
10) Iron Tarkus: theme of the most motherfucking metal and epic fighters in the history of souls, and that screeching opening gave it so much bite- what? This is the theme of Old Iron Bitchass- I'm sorry, Iron Bitchass? Fuck you ya dumbfuck you don't know shit!
9) Bell Gargoyle: If you read the last chapter, you already know why I love this theme so much. Plus, aside from how much I love the composition itself, this theme commemorated the first true fight in Dark Souls (don't give me that Taurus/Asylum demon bullshit), giving it a special place in my memories of the first playthrough of Dark Souls, the first game I played.
8) Seathe the Scaleless: the theme of madness incarnate- this stood out in the fight so much I had to place it on the list. The use of chimes and bells to emulate crystal and falling glass was absolutely brilliant. The elements of horror and fear also made one of the most pansy bosses in the game feel like a tremendous threat, which was another great choice.
It's a Christmas party in hell-
it's a marry-go-round of madness you can never escape (especially when you chase that fucking tail. NOTHING that large should be able to turn that fast, dammit!)
It's the end of your wretched existence- the theme of Seathe.
7) Manus, Father of the Abyss: Another theme the retard developers at Troll Soft chose to turn way down instead of up, but if you listen to it on a music player- all holy jeezus does it come to life. This theme is highly complex and uses a wide variety of sets of notes so you never feel like you're hearing the same thing for too long. And some of the things the male chorus does with their voice is nothing short of inhuman, that dun- da- da- da they use makes my throat hurt just hearing it.
Its mood is ungodly violent and chaotic, which perfectly describes Manus and makes it one of the best in the game.
6). Gravelord Nito: I don't scare easy- especially in a video game. But when I saw Nito's cutscene and heard that banging on the piano, I knew I was fucked, and was very much intimidated. The haunting sound of a thousand weeping spirits sweeping through the air, the heavy growl of chanting-
This was the theme of a reaper- it fit Nito so perfectly you were truly convinced he would be the hardest boss in existence, made you regret ever entering his boss room…
Yet another thing From fucked up! Why is he such a pansy when you actually fight him, dammit!
5). Black Dragon Kalameet: This does not sound like the theme of a Dragon, sadly- more like the theme of a dark lord or evil emperor. It doesn't capture the raw power of other Dragon's Themes, but fuck it! This theme was still amazing, and I happily give it fifth place!
4). Gaping Dragon: the loudest, fastest, most aggressive theme ever conceived. Yes- in the whole series, not one single theme comes anywhere close to the sheer, massive power that is the Gaping Dragon's theme-
It is the sound of Guts screaming and ripping Chuck Norris in half with a nuclear explosion in the background-
It is the sound of Godzilla shooting down the death star with a shoop da whoop-
It is the sound of Conan the Barbarian smashing through the wall on the back of a saber tooth tiger with rocket launchers on its back.
It is the sound of battleship opening fire on a coastline full of Spartans with rows of ballistic missiles-
A true theme for a Dragon- that couldn't do shit when you learned to avoid the feet.
3). Four Kings: This theme- was the theme that turned boys into men- scrubs into pros- and goldfish into gaping dragons. It is one of the most tension building and aggressive themes in the series, coming at a very close second to the pursuer in the tension building category, and you already know which theme is more aggressive…
The elements of peril and darkness were also very fitting- it made fighting an army of Nazghul in a void of pure darkness an epic feat rather than a chore, and the warcry I let up when I finally beat the sons of bitches that much sweeter.
2). Ornstein: No- fatass does not get the honor of being mentioned, only the awe-inspiring epic golden knight that is Ornstein- those godly horns and elegant organ notes making you imagine all the fucking cool and badass things Ornstein did when he was out slaying dragons rather than babysitting Gwynevere (I'm sure the whole Seathe "having intercourse" with her under Ornstein's watch is a big misunderstanding).
Best dueling music in the game- perhaps even series, especially since this is one of the few themes that really, really stood out in the fight rather than meshing in as ambiance (Pursuer, Ancient Dragon, Gaping Dragon, Four Kings, and Gravelord Nito to name a few), even though fatass ruined it for many a gamer…
But wait, I've already gone through pretty much the best boss themes, so what's number one, then?
1). The Hidden Track: Again, not a boss theme- what? You haven't heard this before? You're wondering what it is and why it's number one?
THEN GET YOUR FUCKING ASS TO YOUTUBE AND LOOK THAT BITCH UP YOU IGNORANT SCRUBS!
Now that you're back- this theme is- this is the best theme because it doesn't represent something as simple as a boss- it doesn't represent a particular level- it represents the whole fucking game and everyone who plays it: The elements of darkness and despair, the elements of power and might, the elements of overcoming the impossible and forging ahead, of hope and redemption- that is what the Souls series is all about- that it what it means to play the game and why this theme is the undoubted and uncontested number one theme in Dark Souls- in all of Souls.
No song moved me like this did, no song more perfectly fits what it feels like to play the game. This is the number one- there is no other that can come close to it.
