Chapter Seven

There was no question that I was nervous. My palms were damp with perspiration, my heart was beating a mile a minute in my chest, and I felt as if my whole head was trapped inside one of those seashells my Aunt Edith always sent us from her visits to beach. I couldn't even hear the tune I was playing, though I could see the music in front of me and I knew and felt my fingers touch each ivory key. If I dared look away from the sheet music in front of me I might have been able to gage at least some idea of how I was doing by the look on Mrs. Russell's face, but I lacked that type of bravery. Why oh why had I agreed to do this? When Ma had suggested that I start taking piano lessons from our Pastors wife I hadn't thought twice about it. In fact I was somewhat excited to do so. Finally that old piano in our living room would get some use, but when I walked into the Russell's house and Mrs. Russell, a kind women in her early forties, had sat me down at her shiny new piano and asked me to play what I knew so she could get some idea of my musical ability, I had suddenly become a knot of nerves. I should have pleaded dumb so she wouldn't have asked, but that wasn't how my mother had raised me. I sighed and kept going.

As I finished, I felt her shift on the bench next to me and then to my surprise, she gave a slight clap of her hands in my direction.

"Wonderful, Emily, I had no idea you knew so much. How long have you been reading music?"

"I don't know much about it." I admitted, "I really just guessed."

"Well I think you've done a fine job." She smiled and patted my hand. "You're a smart young lady, and this skill seems to come easily to you. Not many people can say that, I know I myself took years to even come close to mastering it, and even now I still have my troubles." She stood, smoothed her skirt and then went to the bookcase next to the piano. She pulled out a book and handed it to me. "This is the sheet music I use for my intermediate students. The ones who have been playing for a few years or so. Go home and practice it and come back and see me next Sunday afternoon after church."

"Thank you." I replied. I slipped the book into my satchel and stood up, draping it over my shoulder.

"Tell your Mama I said Hello and that you did a fine job. Though I'm sure I'll be telling her that myself as well." She said, walking me to the door. "Oh and do give the lovely beaux of yours a kiss on the cheek from me. He's been illusive lately, that one. I hardly ever see him in church anymore."

I stopped. My heart fell into my stomach. "Excuse me?"

She smiled. "Why Danny, dear girl. You two are going together aren't you? Adeline mentioned something about it over dinner a few days ago." She said, speaking of her daughter who was a year younger than I. "She said she had seen the two of you holding hands as she was walking back from Mrs. Pritchard's on Wednesday afternoon."

Adeline wasn't a gossip, I knew. She was a very sweet, quiet girl, so I wholly believed that she hadn't said anything to her mother and father to be nasty to me or to Danny, but that didn't change the fact that I was seriously shocked and upset.

"I think he's a fine young man, dear. He's not the troublesome type. I told your Mama as much after church this afternoon."

Oh Lord!

"Um…yes, thank you, Mrs. Russell." I had forced a smile and then quickly made my escape out the front door into the brisk November afternoon. I walked and ran as fast as my feet could carry me home. I was so jumbled with nerves and confusion that I didn't even think about what to say when I got there. I hadn't seen Ma since this morning. I had gone to Charlotte's after church and then Mrs. Russell's from there. If she knew, had she told Rafe? Or Dad? Or anyone at all for that matter? I could only imagine the lecture she was going to unleash on me as soon as I made my entrance into the house. However when I walked through the front door I was surprised to find that she wasn't waiting there for me, hands crossed and ready to pounce. God, help me, I loved my mother, but there was underlining fear in that love. She had raised two boys before me and did not put up with insolence. I learned early on from Brett and Rafe's antics not to make her mad.

I cautiously took of my coat and hung it on the hook and hearing her in the kitchen I moved on slow tip toes through the hall and dining room to the kitchen doorway. Her back was to me as she peeled potatoes on the butcher block table in the middle of the room. I gulped, took a breath and then stepped softly into the room. She heard me, because of course she had been waiting for me after all, and turned around calmly.

"How was your first lesson." She asked.

I paused, not expecting that to be the first question out of her mouth. "It went well. Mrs. Russell gave me some sheet music to practice."

"That was very nice of her. Perhaps you can play some for Danny?"

I gulped. There it was.

"Ma—"

"No. I will do the talking and you will do the listening." She moved towards me and I sunk back against the wall suddenly feeling very nauseous. "Emily Anne, I know I am nowhere near a perfect mother. There is no such thing really, but I have taught you right from wrong and the difference between the truth and a lie. Tell me why I did not know about this? Tell me why I heard it from our pastor's wife that you and the boy I consider to be another son to me and the boy who also happens to be your older brother's best friend is also your boyfriend?" She sighed. "Never, in all of my life have ever been so embarrassed and disappointed. I was forced to sit there and act as I knew exactly what Marion Russell was talking about!"

She took a breath, bringing her hand to temples. I felt the hard knot in my stomach grow and the need to vomit increase. She then told me to sit down at the table.

"Emily…I don't even know how to react to this? You are not the type to sneak around and lie."

"I know."

"Then why? Can you tell me why you did? You know it would have taken getting used to, but if you and Danny had wanted to date I would have allowed it and daresay your father would have too."

"I know." I numbly mumbled again.

"I have a thousand thoughts running through my head right now. Why's and How's…" she trailed off and looked me square in the eye. "I don't even know if this is the extent of your lies. What else have you been doing that I don't know about?"

Her tone was unmistakable and I immediately shook my head. "No, no Ma, we haven't done anything like that." I told her firmly. And though she appeared hesitant at first to believe me, I could tell after a second or so that she did. It didn't stop me from feeling even more horrible than I already did though. Now the fact that we had even kissed seemed sinful to me. I sunk deep into the chair and closed my eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she then whispered.

"I wanted to. I really did…and I was going to…"

"How long has this been going on?"

I shrugged my shoulders, suddenly losing all concepts of time and memory on how long this had exactly been going on? Longer than a few weeks, a month? Two…I couldn't remember.

She sighed again, clearly irritated and at a loss on what to do with me, while me on the other side of the table began to feel my guilt bubble up inside of me. I felt the tears hot and stingy brim and fall over my eyes before I could even think of biting my tongue to make them stop. I began to sob right there in front of her, vulnerable and regretful and being my mother, the woman that gave me life and had always loved me no matter what, she got up and came next to me, putting an arm around me and pulling me into her embrace.

"Emily."

"I'm so sorry." I cried into her. "I wanted to tell you. I hated that I couldn't. Danny…"I trailed off, a cry choking in my throat.

"Danny what, Darling"

"He…didn't want to lose Rafe. Or you or Dad, or even me I guess…if we did and it didn't end well."

Looking back on it now, what I said didn't make much sense at all, but for whatever reason, my mother understood exactly what I meant. She smoothed my hair and let me cry which I might have done all night if it were for my brother coming into the room and giving us both a look that plainly asked what the hell was going on?

"Did somebody die?" he joked.

"No, Rafe" Ma scolded, "We're just doing what women do best, expressing our emotions. Now get out of here before you get pulled in too."

Rafe bolted and I look up at Ma, full of questions. "You didn't tell him?"

"No." she handed me a hankie from her apron pocket. "That's not my story to tell. It's yours and Danny's." I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath, noting to myself that though Danny had promised not long ago that he would tell Rafe the truth about us, he still hadn't. For whatever he hadn't deemed any time in the past week as "the right time", but I couldn't deny that if I were him I wouldn't have acted in the same way.

"And you will tell him, Emily. I won't have any more secrets in this house."

"Yes ma'am." I then paused. "May I go see him?"

She looked at me for a moment before nodding. It must have been odd for her to hear that, Lord it was hard for me to say it, but I was thankful none the less. I hugged her before I left to put my coat back on, apologizing again for lying. I didn't feel better as I began the walk to Danny's house, but I didn't feel as bad as I had.

The late autumn sky was already dimming as I began my walk, thankfully I knew the way by heart, but there was at least the warm orange and pink sunset to lead me in the right direction. As I approached Danny's house though, something suddenly didn't feel right. I had that hard knot in my stomach again and as I got closer I began to break into a run. Sherriff Mallory's car was parked outside and so was another that I didn't recognize. Leaning against the patrol car was one of Rafe's friends, Kit Jackson; he was a deputy and dressed accordingly as he was clearly on duty. He straightened up as he saw me approach.

"Kit—"

"Em, you don't want to go in there."

"Why?" I was suddenly panicked now. Something was wrong, VERY wrong. "Kit, what happened?"

"It clearly happened sometime early this afternoon." A strange man in black interrupted, coming down the porch steps, he carried a doctor's bag. "I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did with his liver being so bad though. You did you duty taking care of him, son."

"Above and beyond I'd say." Sheriff Mallory then appeared, clapping a hand on Danny's shoulder who stepped up beside him.

"I'll send some of my boys over within the hour to pick him up and take him to the mortuary." The strange man spoke again to Danny.

Danny nodded.

Sheriff Mallory walked the strange man to his car and saw him in and shut the door before he noticed that I was standing there. Danny seemed to have noticed the same time at the porch.

"Jackson?"

"I'm sorry, Sir. She just showed up." Kit quickly apologized, but I ignored him and ran up the porch to Danny.

"Danny?"

His eyes were dark, and lines and circles of pain and worry were all over his face. I watched as he swallowed hard and then stuffed his hands into his pockets, hunching his shoulders unable to focus his attention on me. Sheriff Mallory's footsteps came up behind me.

"His dad." He told me and at his words Danny seemed to break, tears came, sobs pushed through him and he began to shake. He would have fallen if I hadn't of been there, I know, but I had my arms around him fast. Giving him all the strength I could; hoping and praying that I could help with this grief that I didn't understand.