His voice teased her ears. The sound was muffled at first, her consciousness pulling in and out, ebbing and flowing like waves wearing away at the shore. The darkness had her boxed in, safe but not sound, protected but still not stable. She felt heat everywhere she could still feel. Her legs tingled. She'd been reduced to a sleep, to a dreamlike state inside as she began to come back to consciousness.
His voice was what woke her up.
"Shepard?" She was fighting the sleepiness of her mind to give him an answer. She knew that voice. She knew it meant safety. Home. "Shepard, can you… are you…?"
It was like swimming upwards from the bottom of the ocean. The tingling wrapped and tugged on her legs, pulling her under, drowning her as she fought for air. Ringing and beeping came in muffled bursts to her ears. Was this Hell? Was this what she'd fought so hard for? Her lungs screamed for air that they already had. Heat shot through her chest where pain should have been. Heat everywhere, every inch of her skin. She tried to swallow, but her mouth was dry. Tubes blocked her throat. Her lips parted, searching for sound, reaching for another breath.
"Shepard?"
Her eyes opened, finally allowing some light to bring clarity to her surroundings. Her vision was blurred; she could barely make out the shapes around her. The darkness of the room consumed most of what she could manage to make out. A person next to her, a tower of hard shapes and blinking colors on the opposite side. She came to the surface of her consciousness and reached the wall of pain that waited just beyond the thin veil of the drip of painkillers to her side. Every inch of her skin, bandaged or not, begged for relief from the burning or from the heat of her body itself.
Her mouth tried to tangle itself into the shape of his name, but came up silent. A small wheeze escaped her throat. She felt him scrambling for her hand, which only hurt her more, but she winced instead.
"Shepard, it's okay, I'm here," Kaidan said, urgent as ever. She heard him calling for the nurse. "Shepard? It's going to be alright. We're okay. We're okay."
We're okay. The thought echoed in her head and bounced around in the darkness of her skull. She opened her eyes once again, using all the strength left in her body to try to turn towards him. He calmed her with words she couldn't understand; the pain began to creep in and the sensations made her deaf to any calming words. Her breath came in short gasps, feeling like the air reaching her lungs was also suffocating her faster than it was helping. Agony washed in, wave after wave, overwhelming any defense she had left against it.
A dull moan rose from her throat, growing louder as Kaidan's grip loosened and left her hand. She heard him saying something, but the lights grew brighter and he was pulled out to sea. The heat consumed her, like flame in its purest form. Shifting shapes of new people crowded over her, murmuring, humming, attending to the heat. Buttons chirping, machines churning, sounds clicking and clinking and seeping into her mind. With an overwhelming release, the heat began to fade and clarity was in sight.
One by one, the figures became nurses and it began to register that they were caring for her. Her eyes darted from face to face, putting the pieces together. They were speaking in soothing but serious tones, telling her not to speak, not to move, to save her energy for getting better. She hadn't realized that she was already trying to sit up. She slumped back against the mattress and allowed them to finish their work on her. The nurse closest to her side administered an opaque fluid through a syringe into a small machine; its effects were felt almost instantly. The stress in her muscles deflated, her lungs relaxing, her heart slowing to a normal rate. The machines at her side were quieter. The nurse rested her hand on Shepard's forehead.
"You're okay, Commander. We're going to make sure of it." Shepard managed to focus her eyes on the woman above her, an asari whose skin was a soothing indigo. "Get some rest."
The nurses took their leave, and blackness followed almost immediately.
. . .
The second time she woke, there was immediate clarity, as if she'd merely woken up from a night's sleep. She turned her head to see him asleep in the chair by her side. She moaned, the aches and pains of her body becoming too much for her to bear in her consciousness. Her blurry eyes watched as he woke with a start, looking to her and seeing her awake.
"Shepard," he whispered, leaning towards her. His movements were hesitant, small, almost. Like he was afraid she'd poof to ashes if he moved too harshly.
The clouded darkness nearly lifted from her, she opened her mouth to speak. "Kaidan—" Her mouth formed the name, but hardly any sound came from her barren throat. The weakened muscles around her mouth tried to offer him a smile, but found themselves overwhelmed with the agony that seemed to overrun her entire body.
He leaned close to her side and took her hand gingerly between both of his. She watched, eyes full of sorrow and relief, as he struggled for words. "Shepard," he murmured. "Oh, Shepard…" He moved over her, despite his hesitations, and pressed the gentlest kiss he could manage to the center of her forehead. "Don't say anything, it's okay… it's okay, everything's okay now. Just rest."
She swallowed, her throat still blocked by the tubes. "Kaidan," she managed to croak, trying her hardest to squeeze his hand back. "We…"
"We made it. We're here, Shepard, it's… it's over." His voice was thick with tears. He kissed her forehead once more and lingered there, his breath drifting over the skin that wasn't covered in bandages. "Over. Sounds good to say, doesn't it?" He laughed through his tears, a hand barely smoothing over her hair. "I can't believe you're here."
She opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to remember how to speak. Her hand found the strength to give his fingers a small squeeze. "I love you," she whispered. He nodded, still lingering over her, and kissed the tip of her nose.
"I love you so much. Until the end of time. Always, Shepard." He still sounded like he was about to cry. She wanted so much to tell him not to, to smile, to laugh with his ridiculous chuckle that she'd grown so fond of. She longed for his smile, for his kisses, for the goosebumps and the tingling that lingered in the pit of his stomach long after he stopped touching her. All of her senses were overwhelmed with pain and ache and grief. All she wanted was peace.
Kaidan leaned back and looked at her, meeting her eyes. His hasty hands pushed the tears from his exhausted eyes. His mouth twisted into a crooked smile, contorted by the cocktail of emotions that had ambushed him in his sleep, happiness and relief, sorrow and worry, all pushing and pulling at his insides and leaving him in the limbo between all of them. All he could do was look at her. She watched his eyes study her face, then rake down her healing body, the blankets and bandages and burnt and bloodied skin. She was in so much pain, but pain couldn't take her from him. Not now, not ever again.
Her mouth opened once more, without a plan. She felt so compelled to tell him everything she felt, her relief, her pride in him. She wanted so badly to ask about the crew, the ship, Earth, the galaxy. A heated flash of guilt crashed through her bones. EDI. The Geth.
Kaidan had obviously seen her expression change with the realization that had crossed her mind. He dragged a comforting hand over her forearm, soothing her back to her more peaceful state, despite her pain. He'd always had a way of calming her, and it was only magnified when she was in such a vulnerable state. He shushed her, tracing circles on her skin. "Don't. Just rest now. There'll be time to talk later. All the time in the whole world, Shepard."
She persisted in opening her mouth once more, but closed it as he traced a wide circle over the portion of her arm that wasn't covered in gauze. There were a thousand things she wanted, she needed to say to him, but the tubes and the pain and the guilt stopped her.
"I can't believe you're here." He was speaking his mind freely to her, a rare occurrence from Kaidan. "You're alive and… I just thought…"
She used all her strength to grab his forearm mid-circle and hold him tightly. Her gaze locked with his, speaking every word she wanted to with perfect clarity without a single syllable passing her lips.
"I thought I'd never see you again. I did, Shepard, I thought I'd never touch you again." She could hear his voice thickening once again. "I couldn't lose you again." She held onto him tighter, urging him that everything would be okay now with her eyes. The small smile that curved his lips signaled that he got the message.
"I promised," she croaked, her fingers still tight against his skin.
He craned his neck and kissed the back of her aching hand. "I know, I…" another kiss, "I know."
