A/N:
Warnings, I think you get the idea though.
CH 7
Felix's POV
Ryan rubbed his face and pulled away. He'd been crying for nearly twenty minutes. Felix didn't have to ask, he knew why. He felt slightly guilty about it. Felix knew he was probably to blame for the bad dream. He shouldn't have pushed him... but he needed to know. He wanted to ask more, like what exactly he had dreamt or what exactly had happened to him... but that really wouldn't help right now. He'll tell me when he's ready...
"I...I'll be back...I've gotta go get changed and...do something" Ryan sniffed. Felix stiffened.
"Do what?" He asked, slightly wary. Felix didn't trust the way Ryan had said that, and there was no way he was going to let Ryan hurt himself ever again.
"...Not that...something else... Felix I won't do that ok? Promise" Ryan said softly.
"Pinkie promise?" Felix raised an eyebrow. Ryan rolled his eyes.
"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye" Ryan said while doing the weirdest thing Felix had ever seen. He crossed his heart with his finger, fluttered his hands in front of him like wings, then lightly hit his left eye.
"What the hell was that?!" Felix asked with a small laugh.
"A Pinkie promise, the proper Pinkie promise. And no one breaks a Pinkie promise so you can trust me" Ryan smiled weakly. Felix wasn't too sure if he believed him, but eventually sighed and let him go.
"If you're not down here in five minutes I'm coming up there" Felix watched Ryan go upstairs to change.
"Yeah yeah" Ryan waved him away. Felix heard the door close to Ryan's room. He didn't want to leave him alone, knowing what he knew now, just in case. Ryan had assured him he was just getting dressed, but Felix was still worried...
Felix had been sleeping soundly on the couch when he had been woken up by Maya pawing his leg in distress. Ryan was shivering and murmuring in his sleep, on the verge of tears. Maya had been whining and padding beside him in actual concern, it had been heartbreaking to know even she knew Ryan was hurt. Dog really are the most caring creatures… Then Felix had noticed that damn mask back on his face. Felix thought he'd hidden that thing... It had been pushed up his face slightly, showing part of his scar. Felix's heart twisted at the sight of it. Maya was sitting beside Ryan, whining softly. Felix got up, hating to see Ryan like this, to go wake him up. He could hear Ryan talking in his sleep, and it was heart wrenching to hear.
"...Please...stop...Mmm!" He jerked slightly in his sleep. Felix saw a tear roll down his cheek. He couldn't help but watch it drip down the ridge of his deep mark and travel along it, falling gracefully onto his neck.
He reached out and gently tried to shake him awake. Ryan woke up with a jolt. Before he even saw it coming Ryan screamed and punched him in the face. Then Felix felt Ryan slam his fist into his stomach. Not a very fun thing to wake up to. It had hurt like hell...
Felix rubbed his sore face. The bleeding had stopped, but he could feel a bruise coming along nicely. The bro's are going to think he got in a fight... Felix sighed. The bro's…What the hell was he going to tell them all? They all loved him and Marzia as a couple... what will they say when they find out...?
Marzia... It still hurt to think about the way she had just left him like that. He should have said something, anything to make her understand why he'd done it, that it wasn't her fault. But he had frozen up. His tongue stuck in his throat. And then, she was gone...and the worst part? Felix wasn't sure if he was really all that sad about Marzia leaving him... because...now he could actually have Ryan. What he was really sad about was the thought he had hurt her. He hated to see others in any type of pain... He felt so ashamed of himself... for hurting Marzia... for crying in front of Ryan, for the way he had handled the whole situation...couldn't he do anything right?!
Felix looked up at the clock. Seven minutes... Felix couldn't help but be anxious about the chocolate haired boy. He started to climb the stairs to follow Ryan. Ryan's bedroom door was open, but he wasn't inside. Felix heard the bathroom door creak. He wasn't was he?! Felix nearly ran to the bathroom.
The door was open slightly. Felix took a peek through the crack. Ryan, now in a black hoodie with the words 'Bullet For My Valentine' written in bright white across the chest. It had been unzipped, exposing Ryan's bare chest. He was leaning over the basin, one hand gripping the cold ceramic bowl, the other rolling something around his palm. Felix had to get on his tippy toes to see what it was. Four little white pills sat on his palm. Ryan stared hard at them, contemplating something. Felix had never seen those pills in his cupboard before... Ryan must have brought them with him. He had to think hard to understand what they were...Were they... Felix spotted the bottle and managed to read the tiny label even from the doorway. Anti-depressants? Ryan was muttering to himself.
"Let's see...one to take the edge...two for normality...three for stupidly high and happy...four..." Ryan frowned. Felix felt his chest tighten. Four for what?
"Five and over for August...not five... four?" Ryan rolled the little pills around his palm. Felix listened hard. What was August supposed to mean? Felix had never had to take any kind of pills or drugs, so he wasn't sure what Ryan was trying to determine.
"Pass out...no... Not today..." Ryan let one of the pills fall back into the container. Felix couldn't stand still anymore.
"Ryan, you alright?" He asked from behind the door. There was a small hesitation before Ryan answered.
"Uh...yeah...just a sec" Ryan threw the three pills into his mouth and pored some water into his hands. Felix pushed open the door and stepped through. Ryan swallowed the pills down just as Felix got to him.
"You ok?" Felix asked, standing behind Ryan as he zipped up his hoodie. Again, Ryan hesitated before answering.
"...Will be…this isn't exactly odd for me, but I'll be fine in a minute" He said, a small shake in his voice. Felix could tell he was trying to hide it, but Felix still heard it. He made Ryan turn to face him and pulled him close. Ryan slipped his arms around Felix's waist and melted in his grasp.
"Good...please do" Felix put his cheek on Ryan's head. Felix wasn't much taller than Ryan, but still tall enough that Ryan could put his head on his shoulder.
"Ryan...what's August?" Felix asked.
"Ah, I kinda hoped you wouldn't hear that... well, I..." Ryan sighed.
"...August 2010... was a really low point... And I was really…well...I..." Ryan stuttered.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" Felix said.
"I know...I want to tell you Felix...no more secrets...I...fuck, ok. I realized doing it that way was too painful…" Ryan's eyes darted uncomfortably to his right arm, where Felix knew was a deep long line running from his wrist to his elbow. Felix heart gave an uncomfortable twist as to why it was there...
"So I, I...one day in the middle of August I figured out a-another...another way. I-I did all the calculations in my head so I knew it would work. So I...I... I went to the bathroom. Grabbed a handful of pills, about half the bottle, but it would have only taken five to…to deaden my senses and mind completely, and...I took them all. Then I made these…" Ryan motioned to the two massive scars from where he'd tried to slit his wrists
"And I was right... it wasn't painful at all... It nearly... would have worked to if ...he hadn't decided to surprise me..." Ryan was shivering again. Felix pulled him closer, trying to feed some of his good energy into Ryan. It sounds silly, but Felix felt like it might help.
"Fuck Nate I am so sorry...I'm so fucking sorry. I never meant for you to find me like that" Ryan was on the verge of tears again. Felix had to think for a minute. Nate, Nate, Nate...oh, right, Nathan. That was his little brother wasn't it… oh jesus…
"Shh it's okay, it's okay... Det är okej" Felix added in Swedish.
"I nearly died right in front of my brother. He was only eleven for Christ's sake! And I put him through that...Mum had dropped him off for a visit. Thought I might like some company. She knew how...lonely I'd been. I don't think she really knew just how far gone I was… She dropped him at the door and went up the street to get us something for dinner. He let himself in, the door was unlocked." Ryan shook his head.
"I could hear him yelling my name, but I thought I was just hallucinating... I was nearly...out by then... you remember the Cat Lady?" Ryan asked. Felix nodded. He'd played the entire game, but only ended up uploading about two episodes worth of it.
"Well, it really was like that, the room spinning and shit...that's why it was kinda hard for me to play that game. The...the last thing I saw was Nate coming into the room...h-he found me laying there w-with the bottle and the... I stayed awake long enough to hear him scream before I...I... He called an ambulance, they only just brought me back just in time... When I woke up in hospital, he was there, crying. He thought I wasn't going to wake up... When he realized I was awake he threw himself on me and just cried. Nate stayed with me every single second of every day. Mum let him off school while I recovered. The hospital staff even brought in a little trundle bed for him to sleep on" Ryan let out a sad little huff of laughter.
"I was so stupid. He was always there for me...and I just never realized it" Ryan sighed.
"Ryan..." Felix didn't know what to say. Ryan furiously wiped his eyes, refusing to break down again.
"That's not even the worst part. About a year or so later, when I went to go stay with them for a bit... I found Nate doing... well...this" Ryan pulled up his sleeve and lifted up his arms, showing his scars.
"I never realised how badly it had affected him, seeing me like that. And he'd been getting seriously bullied at school too, so that didn't help one bit. I got so upset when I caught him him, I yelled at him for ages about it, and he yelled back at me. It was the first and the worst fight I've ever had with him. He made me promise him I'll never try anything like that ever again or hurt myself again and he'll stop too. I said ok... I know I lied but...it was a white lie. I had to get him to stop... I even paid for his counsellor...I never went to the damn things, they never really helped... But I kept most of that promise, I...I never tried to...to...kill myself again... I realized if I ever actually went through with it, I'd just put him in the same position I was in. And I never wanted that... Nate was too important to me...Sorry. You probably didn't need to hear all that" Ryan sniffed.
"Nah 's fine Ryan. You needed to get it out. Besides, I want to know everything about you, no matter how bad it is..." Felix laughed and chose his next words very carefully. He knew what he wanted to say...but would it be weird? He decided to do it anyway.
"Jag vill tillbringa resten av lärande för alltid om dig ...I know you don't understand what I said, but I don't know how exactly to say it in English without it losing meaning...so..." Felix shifted uncomfortably. He had meant every word of it, but if he said it in English it wouldn't be as meaningful would it? He took Ryan's face in his hand and ran a thumb over his cheek. Ryan smiled and leant into his hand.
"Try me" He smiled.
"But it sounds so weird, especially since it's only been a day..." Felix could feel himself turning red.
"Felix, I just told you about me trying to commit suicide. Fucking spill it already" Ryan said seriously.
"I...well...fine... it roughly translates to- I want to spend the rest of forever learning about you...sounds ten time better in Swed-" Ryan cut him off.
"Wait what?!" He said with a startled gasp.
"I...I said...uh..." Felix had turned bright red with embarrassment.
"Do you really mean it?" Ryan asked, voice shaking.
"Well...Ja, Ja" Felix nodded. Ryan gaped at him. Damn it he knew it was too soon to say it... now he looks scare of him. Nice job there Felix, you've scared him off with your-
"Felix I...I..."
Ryan practically attacked Felix. He grabbed Felix and pressed their mouths together, kissing him hard. Felix gave a startled grunt. He hadn't been expecting that! He hummed with a short laugh and kissed him back twice as hard. Ryan had such a passion in his lips, it took Felix's breath away. Felix ran his tongue along Ryan's bottom lip, asking permission to turn this from just pressing their lips together to a proper mouth kiss. Ryan gave a little groan and parted his lips slightly. Felix grinned and ground his mouth against Ryan's, feeling the American's delicate lips moving against his own. Again he couldn't help but notice how much better kissing Ryan was than with Marzia.
Felix pushed Ryan up against the bench top, running his hands over his waist. He loved the feel of his skinny hips. Felix ran his thumb against the hard bone of his pelvis, feeling all the contours of his waist with a gentle caress. Ryan gave a little moan as Felix took his bottom lip and gave it a playful tug. Ryan pulled back a bit.
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to say something like that" Ryan smiled shyly. Felix grinned back.
"Glad you approve...come on...let's go make some videos"
Ryan's POV
"Ok, keep or blur?" Felix asked him. Ryan looked over at his screen. Felix was adding the final touches to the SCP video they had made. Right now it was on the bit where Ryan had screamed and spear tackled Felix. From the angle all you could see of Ryan was his grey hoodie and the white mask, everything else was hidden... no, if you paused it you could probably make out his hair colour. Ryan frowned. He didn't like that they could see his hair, everyone will freak out... oh fuck it. They're going to freak out anyway over seeing his hand!
"Keep, it's the best part" Ryan grinned.
"Good, I was hoping you'd say yes...now, can I add a caption?" Felix raised an eyebrow. Ryan wished he could do that...every time he tried to do that both eyebrows went up...
"Depends..." Ryan needed more detail before he agreed.
"How about...a couple of little hearts?" He laughed.
"Little hearts? Really? Besides I thought you were going to tell them about the break up? Doing that probably wouldn't look to good, especially if you plan on uploading it at the same time" Ryan said.
"Fair point... I'll just do a slow motion replay thing" Felix typed a few things in. Ryan shook his head and turned back to his laptop. He was uploading his Vlog from yesterday, when they were hanging out in that Italian square. He hoped the fans wouldn't mind for not doing a let's play... but the live stream was coming up soon so that should make up for it. He had added a bit of a showcase of his new room and a bit of the house. And he had done what he promised too
…
"So yeah, that's Italy! It's really pretty so far and I'm sure I'll get to explore a bit more while I'm here, and don't worry I'll film it all for you. And do you know what's really confusing about this place? It's like midnight back in Florida and lunchtime here! I am quite literally on the complete opposite side of the world! Am I the only one who thinks that's just a bit cool...? Yeah I probably am" Cry laughed and drew back his curtain, pointing his camera out at the brightly lit backyard.
"You know what is cool though? That!" Cry pointed the camera at the little pool in the backyard. It wasn't a particularly large one, but Ryan still thought it was awesome! It was surrounded by pale sandstone slabs and the bottom of the pool was painted a deep turquoise. It was freaking amazing!
"I mean, just look at that thing! It's beautiful! If it weren't getting to the end of Autumn or just not freezing I would jump in that thing right now! I mean it, it's so cold my ring's stuck to my finger" Ryan smiled and showed off the black onyx ring, just like he promised.
"Ah well...maybe it'll warm up a bit before the end of the trip... well, I better wrap this up, I think Pewds wants me to do a bit of gaming, as I'm sure you'll all see later. Alright, thanks for watching. Just a quick thanks to Alex from me, if your friends still don't believe you then they suck, and I'll see you guys later. Bye"
…
The video was nearly up on youtube, it was just being abnormally slow about it today. Felix was right, the internet in Italy was really shitty... At least he kept his promise.
"OK! Done diddily done! Ok get your butt over here for part two" Felix waved him over.
"Already? You only just finished the last one" Ryan said.
"Hey! Did I fucking ask your permission? Get your lazy ass over here now boy!" Felix put on what Ryan called his Irresponsible Dad voice. Not that he ever really was Irresponsible dad anymore…He laughed and pulled himself over.
"Don't get your panties in a knot I'm coming" Ryan pulled a chair over to Felix's work station.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY PANTIES!" Felix cried in fake shock.
"I KNOW ALL MUHAHAHAH!" Ryan did his Mad Cry laugh, cackling loudly.
"Haha ok then. Now, we're going to bulk film so get ready to scream" Felix was fiddling around with his face cam, getting it ready to go.
"Aww bulk? This shit's scare enough in one shot" Ryan complained.
"Would you rather do two today or one today and tomorrow? Trust me, you'll want a break for a day tomorrow when you're tired" Felix said.
"Why what's happening?" Ryan asked. Felix laughed and shook his head.
"Doesn't matter...let's get this thing started"
…
"Alright bro's, we are back once again with this game from hell. I'm here with my buddy Cry to see how long we last for this time" Pewds smiled at the screen.
"Sup guys, I'm being forced to do this piece of shit again by this big bully. Apparently tackling him wasn't enough" Ryan made his voice convey the fact he was glaring at Pewdie.
"Oh I'M the bully?! Bro's look at my face, do you see this bruise? Who made that?" Pewds pointed at his face
"Oh come on I apologised like five times already. I didn't mean it! You don't wake me up like that and expect that not to happen" Ryan rolled his eyes.
"This person, this one right here, punched me in the face. I was bleeding!" Pewdie pointed at Ryan indignantly.
"Don't be so melodramatic Pewds! It was like one drop of blood" Ryan laughed
"Mr. Cry Cry has been a very bad boy today hasn't he, beating up poor innocent old Pewds... " Felix sniffed indignantly.
"Old Pewds? Who's the older one out of us again?" Ryan smirked under his mask.
"Don't care! I'm taller than you so neeh!" Felix poked out his tongue.
"By like two inches maybe!" Ryan rolled his eyes.
"We'll measure later. Now then. LET THE TORMENT BEGIN!" Pewds made a slurping noise at the screen, pulling on his face. Ryan couldn't help but break out into ridiculous giggles.
"Yeah, I have no idea what that was" Pewds laughed too.
"Gimmie that damn mouse" Ryan took the mouse from Pewds. The screen finally finished loading, showing the familiar steel walls of the SCP facility.
"Ok, forward" Ryan commanded.
"Okie dokie" Pewdie started forward. Ryan remember the door to the right they had already been down, so he pointed them towards the left. Pewds opened the door and they walked down another hall way. A loud hissing noise broke the silence. Ryan could feel his nerves rising already. Not as bad as they usually would thanks to the drugs, but still enough to feel it.
"Mask...Pewdie mask!" Ryan yelled at him.
"Calm down I've got it!" Pewds opened up the items menu. Ryan clicked on it, putting it on. It closed and they clinked on down the bronze rusty walkway clouded by black smoke. Ryan really hoped he wouldn't be there. When the smoke cleared, he checked the corner by the door.
"Oh snap!" Pewds exclaimed as the tall yellow monster stood beside him. Ryan looked down at the blink bar. Half empty...
"Open the door open the door open the door OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" Ryan yelled at Pewdie,
"I'm trying!" He hit the keyboard furiously. Almost out of blink. The door finally slid open.
"GO!" Felix pushed the button and sprinted through the door.
"Close it!" Ryan turned towards the button, hoping to beat the thing to it. No such chance. Half way there and SNAP.
"AHH NOOO!" "Mother of FUCK!" They both yelled at the same time. The screen flashed. YOU ARE DEAD.
"Come ON! We only just started you son of a- gahh!" Pewds growled.
"Fucking hell...this is going to be a long fucking night" Ryan gave a shaky laugh.
…
"Ok...ok...in here" Ryan was breathing hard. Drugs or no drugs, he was completely terrified right now. They had been doing this for far too long. The equivalent of an episode and a half. The atmosphere was killing him! The door opened. It was a small room, button on one wall, monitor screen on the other.
"Oh what the fuck is that..." Pewdie's voice shook. On the screen, something was crouching in the middle of the floor. Something white with elongated limbs. Ryan could hear it making an odd noise. Huh...must be new to the game...Ryan had never seen it before, so he had no idea what it was called, nor had he had enough time to come up with a nick name. But he could tell it wasn't a nice one... Felix obviously didn't know what it was either, he sat there eyeing it off with a hint of fear. The door to the next room was already open. Ryan was on the verge of hyperventilating.
"Nononono pleeeaase don't make us go in there!" Ryan begged him.
"We've gotta. This is the only way to go..." Felix forced Ryan to turn towards the door. He let out a small whining noise as Pewds made them walk through the door into the bloody red room. The creature was sitting on the floor, hands covering its face, making that same god awful noise.
"Woah what the fuck is that thing? Is it new?" Pewdie made a disgusted face.
"Don't know don't care, let's just go and leave it alone" Ryan could tell this thing was bad news.
"Come on Cry I just wanna quick look" He made them walk towards it. Ryan hated Felix right now for making him do this. They slowly walked around it, examining it.
"Can you just look at it for a quick sec?" Pewds asked. Ryan didn't want to, but he eventually pointed the mouse at the creature's front. The thing appeared to be covering its face... Ryan was perplexed as to why it hid its face. What kind of monster did that sort of thing... uhg, was that hypocritical?
Pewds was making them face it head on now, getting a good look at its face. The thing looked up at them with darkened eyes. No, not eyes, more like deep gaping soulless holes. It moved its arms aside and slowly stood. It towered over the character and gave a blood curdling scream, clawing insanely at its skull.
"Oh fuck RUN!" Ryan shouted. They sprinted out the door and down the hall way. The screams still echoed behind them. Felix opened the nearest door and made them race through it. Ryan heard something that made his stomach churn. The sounds of the thing giving chase.
"FUCKING MOVE!" He yelled. They raced into the new room. A big glass box was in the centre of the room. Pewds immediately raced for it. He ran through the opening.
"THERE'S NO FUCKING DOOR!" He screamed as they turned to see the gap empty.
"Hide!" "Where it's a fucking box!" "I-I don't know!" They yelled at each other. Ryan's heart was hammering. Made all the worse by the sound of metal tearing apart. The creature appeared, arms stretched out in front of it, sprinting at them dead on at unimaginable speeds.
"OH SHIT!" Pewdie yelled. The monster screamed and charged at them. Ryan screamed and threw the mouse away. The monster rushed them head on, crossing the room in seconds. Ryan felt Felix grab him.
"AHHHHHH!" Pewds let out an extremely high pitched girly cried. Ryan let Felix crush him against his chest as they screamed together.
SLAMM! YOU ARE DEAD. LOAD GAME?
"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" Pewdie shouted at the screen
"WHO EVER MADE THIS THING DESERVES TO BURN IN HELL!" Ryan yelled
Felix was doing a mixture of laughing and crying.
"Oh my god what the fuck was that thing? I don't even...Why? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US!?" Pewds fake sobbed...well...sort of fake... Ryan was pretty sure he was only making it sound fake to hide the fact he really was terrified.
"Fuck this game, fuck that thing, fuck everything, I'm done! I'm fucking done!" Felix hit the stop record button.
"I hate you so much!" Ryan shook with fright. "I will murder you!"
"What me or that?" Felix pointed to the screen.
"BOTH OF YOU!" Ryan yelled. Felix laughed.
...
Ryan swallowed the last of his can. Felix had taken away his vodka, so now he only allowed his energy drink that tasted like RockStar. Not that it was called that in Italian. Ryan didn't even know how to say it. But it still tasted the same and that's all that mattered. He was still a little ticked off that Felix had confiscated his vodka… He'd said that he didn't want Ryan getting drunk when they were filming, which he wasn't planning on doing in the first place, but he'd hidden it and now Ryan couldn't find it! He'd only bought the freaking Italian RockStar thing to mix with it, and now it's gone…
Ryan was editing his final video of the day, yet not really concentrating on it at the same time. All he wanted to do was stop and go...well uh... go see Felix... he wasn't sure if the time was right yet or not. He wanted to go over there and kiss him again, but he had just finished doing the video about Marzia, so he probably was still a bit shaken. Ryan had helped of course, holding the camera without saying a word. Felix had said nothing about how or why they had broken up, only that they had done so. He also didn't mention anything about who had caused them to break up. Which Ryan still felt guilty about. He didn't feel sad anymore, the drugs had seen to that. In fact, three had probably been too many. Half the day he had been hyperactive and overly happy, giggling at everything Felix did, save for the SCP part of the day. He still felt kinda high...
Uhg he was so bored of this! All he could think about was Felix. The way he had kissed him this morning was still fresh in his mind. And what he had said! Oh Ryan must have died and gone to heaven. Never had he ever thought this would actually happen. He had been so certain Felix would reject him, especially after seeing his face and learning about his past. But no, Felix had said he didn't care! In fact, he had basically said he wanted to be him! Ryan grinned giddily to himself. Could this day get any better?
...
Well, apparently it could. Ryan didn't know it, but Felix was standing behind him, a smile creeping across his face as he planned what he was about to do next. Tonight was going to be fun... Felix grinned.
Translation's
Det är okej = It's okay
Jag vill tillbringa resten av lärande för alltid om dig ... = I want to spend the rest of forever leaning about you
Ja = Yes
