The distinct smell of doctor's office assaulted my senses. I was starting to get a headache from the smell of latex mixed with disinfectant. I could only imagine how strong the smell must be to Jacob. Could he smell my fear? Could he smell his own? At that moment I was very thankful to be shut in a small enclosed room instead of the crowded waiting room. Here we weren't expected to put up a happy couple front. Just thinking of all the couples in the clinic, all anxiously awaiting their results made me want to run. I could picture the couples clinging to each other, women flaunting their wedding rings, as they clasped their husband's hand.
In this room we didn't have to touch each other. We weren't expected to mask our expression or worry about the inconsequential details of our relationship.
My screams were caught in my pillow. Another night with neither of them present. I couldn't tell if I had a sheet wrapped around my body, or if the sensation of a sheet was my sweat weighing me down. I tried to look down, but all I could see were fuzzy shapes through my tears. Why? Why had it come to this? I had somehow become so dependent upon Jacob, allowing myself to care deeply for him, that when I had to spend the three past nights alone, I couldn't help but torture myself. WHY? Why had I deluded myself into thinking that Jacob could fix everything? Why had I forced him to sleep with me? Why had I pushed him away? I needed him. I didn't know why, I didn't know in what context I needed him, but I did. I allowed myself to indulge in a few self-pitying sobs.
Action, I needed action. What could I do? Admit I was wrong, I overreacted? Apologize for seducing him? Ask him to go to the doctor's office with me so he would be getting what he wanted? Just the thought scared me. A note! That way I wouldn't fumble and say something stupid. I grabbed a crisp piece of paper from off my dresser, and snatched a pen.
Dear Jacob,
I am sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just that I don't want to go to the doctor's.
I crossed it out. Did Jacob ever have this much trouble writing notes? I am sure if he were here he would be laughing at me right now. Urging me to just spit it out, but I had to convey it perfectly.
I feel really bad about what happened. Can I make it up to you? I'll do whatever you want?
No, that's not right. I crossed it out again.
I miss you. A lot. I kind of wish we had never slept together so we wouldn't be in this mess, but I don't regret it.
"I'll bet you don't." I squealed and whirled around as fast as I could, conveniently sliding off the bed as I did such. He was here! Standing above me, he was here. I stood in pure shock, just staring at his face.
Since the last time I had seen him he had grown deeper lines in his face. His hair was just as messed up as it normally was, and he was fixing me with that same boyish grin I had been missing.
"What…What are you doing here?" I blundered.
"Watching you write I guess." He shrugged and extended a hand to help me up. "Wow, you seem to have trouble conveying what you mean."
Instead of processing the joke he was making at my expense I grabbed his hand and continued to watch him in shock, as he helped me into a standing position. "You came to watch me write?"
He stared deeply at me, and put his hands in his pockets. He looked at the ground for a couple minutes and then looked up to me shamefully. "And apologize." When I didn't say anything he took a big breath and continued. "For leaving you."
I looked at him in shock.
The doctor came in the room and smiled widely at the two of us, as if to assure us that it would be okay. He held the test results. I could only feel my heart drumming wildly in my chest. I instinctively grasped Jacobs hand and held on as hard as I could. I could hear my heart beating; it was louder then the biggest blow horn. And Jacob's heart seemed to be beating on every off beat of mine, so all I could hear was fear. I wasn't ready to know this, I wasn't ready.
"What do you mean?" I whispered in the dark.
"I shouldn't have." The darkness filled the cracks and crevices the silence was leaving. Sounds of the night could be heard through the open window.
"How did you get in here without me noticing?" I asked suddenly.
"Bella," He whispered my name and put his hand on the side of my face. "You forget that I am a monster."
The doctor looked down at the clipboard, and read it. He opened his mouth, and then closed it. He looked up at us again, curiously studying us, and then back down at his clipboard. He once again opened his mouth to say something, but it was as if the words were stolen from him. I had no idea what this could mean. I looked frantically at Jacob, whose eyebrows were scrunched together scrutinizing the man in front of us.
"Doctor?"
"No you're not." I tried to reason with him, but I knew he wouldn't listen to me.
"Yes, I am. Especially after running away from you like that. You should hate me." He muttered, dropping his hand and looking down.
"I could never hate you."
"Well I have some strange news for you." The doctor started. "It seems your manual pregnancy test came out negative. And this has happened before right? You said that you took many pregnancy tests and they all broke, or came out with negative results? Is that correct?" We both nodded. "Well it's quite peculiar you see because we looked closely at the urine sample you provided us and we found specimen inside it that make us believe, without looking at the manual tests, that you are in fact pregnant."
"Bella, I would do anything for you. Please forgive me." Instead of questioning the fine point details I simply nodded. He smiled widely, a smile I had missed, and hugged me tightly.
"This is very strange you see, we have no record of this ever happening. So we are going to keep you on watch. You, if in fact you are pregnant, are only three weeks along. But the samples we found could, in fact, be not related to a baby at all, and you may have something unheard of growing inside of you. I know this makes no sense, we have a team of specialists trying to make sense of it, but all I can say is that we need to watch you closely in order to figure this out."
"I missed you." I murmured against his shoulder. He laughed, a bellow in the small room.
"Believe me, I missed you too."
"Don't ever leave me again." I whispered.
"Don't ever let me." He pulled away looking closely at me.
"But Doctor, couldn't you just so an ultrasound and determine what it is?" Jacob asked roughly, his voice strained and hoarse.
The doctor smiled, and I got the distinct impression he was trying to keep the situation under control. He was trying to keep us from worrying, but he didn't have any answers.
"We could, but we wouldn't know for another two weeks if it was a baby, the embryo is too small to show up on screen, and even then it may not produce an image. Now if it was something more serious, which to inform you, we do not suspect, then it hasn't developed enough to the point where it would show up either."
"So we have to wait two weeks to find out whether we are going to be parents, or Bella has some disease?" Jacob demanded.
"Will you stay the night?"
He studied my face carefully. "I don't think that's wise." He said gently looking around.
"He's not here. He's gone." I stated quickly.
"Bella-" He tried to reason.
"Please?" He breathed in deeply, while keeping an intent gaze upon my face. As if he was certain I was to disappear. "I need you." And after an endless second he nodded.
"Please understand Mr.-"
"Black." Jacob growled, and I tried to stroke his arm to get him to calm down.
"Mr. Black. We believe, given the circumstance, and time situation, that Ms. Swan is pregnant. Only we can not be sure. I assure you that by the time we can be certain, there is still an opportunity for abortion if that is what you are curious about. But in order to be certain we will have to wait a few weeks and see how the situation plays out. So please calm down, and take care of yourself, Isabella. Get some rest, and don't freak out. We will arrange an appointment for a couple weeks from now."
"So there is nothing we can do until then?" Jacob growled. The doctor simply shook his head and ushered us out of his office.
"I am sorry to." I whispered to him and he simply nodded, clearly not wanting to talk about it anymore. "I was scared."
"I'm scared too, Bella." He said, trying to convey something to me. I could tell his eyes were boring into mine, as if trying to reach into me and tell me something.
"Don't ever leave me again." He looked at me, not saying anything. "Promise me."
He hugged me and whispered in my ear gently. "I can't promise anything, there may be a day when you don't want me anymore and you tell me to leave again."
I laughed a humorless laugh and took him by the shoulders. "That would never happen."
And I had a feeling when he looked strait at me that there was something he knew and wasn't telling me. This feeling increased when he simply said, "You have no idea what the future holds."
"Jacob-" I started, but he simply gathered me in a hug and it wasn't mentioned again.
And now, in a small hallway with pictures of healthy children lining the walls, pictures advertising and criticizing abortion glaring at us, I looked at the man standing beside me. We allowed ourselves a few moments to stand in that hall and allow the emotions to sail over us. In the back of my mind I could hear the echo of what Jacob had said earlier. "You have no idea what the future holds."
