007. Crime and Punishment

a/n—okay, so I had SUCH A HARD TIME not dressing Riza in a dom outfit and goin from there…but then I'd probably be dead from blood loss (double nosebleed) but I valiantly resisted the urge…as hot as it would be…(sighs) girlfriend hits him with a toaster ow…hey, it's a cartoon character, okay? It's not even a real person that I'm comparing you to—what about the james bond naked thing, huh? I saw you pause it and stare…what about it, huh? Huh? HUH? WE CAN'T ALL BE RIPPED LIKE HIM…okay, I'm done now…

"What'd I do?" he yelped, disconcerted, as she whipped the paperwork out from under his furiously scribbling pen.

"Roy Mustang, what is this?"

He cleared his throat and tried to look cool. "My uber-short mini-proposal," he said, but the hitch in his voice gave his fear away.

She sighed, ripped the paper into four pieces, and muttered softly, tossing it into the bin.

He breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness, he thought, watching her settle back into the desk. He slipped his hand into his drawer to come up with the next Xerox copy of the original proposal, and found it empty.

He whipped his head around and stared at her. She smirked at him and turned back to her own work, leaving him gaping.

He'd have to start all over again, he thought, snapping his fingers. Several sparks flew off his fingers and lit the paper he was reviewing on fire.

"Sir," she said, exasperated. "Stand back please." She pulled out the fire extinguisher from under her desk and fired, "accidentally" hitting him in the process.

"Oops," she said, one brow arched quietly.

"Um," he responded.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you can't snap your fingers with your gloves on, sir?" Her words were chastising, but her tone was carefully bland. He grinned at her sheepishly, and sighed when she turned away, leaving him cold and wet. Damn, he thought, but at least she hadn't reached for her gun.

So began his day.

"Havoc," she said quietly. Havoc gulped, stood, and walked to her desk as if he were walking to the principal.

"Yes, first lieutenant?"

"What is this?"

"It was a mistake," he said, trying to imitate Mustang's nonchalant tone.

"Mistakes in paperwork is what white out is for. And new forms. We never scribble in the military. Especially after the form is returned for incorrect information. And look, it's returned again, for incorrect protocol."

"I'm sorry."

"What if this mistakes costs the Colonel his next promotion? We do not make mistakes in this company, Havoc. This is unacceptable."

Havoc stared at her fearfully, waiting for the shine of her gun.

"Make sure it doesn't happen again."

He sighed with relief and excused himself, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette. He brought it out and stuck it onto his lip, fiddling in his desk for his lighter.

His lighter?

He jerked the drawer open, and stared heart-broken at where his lighter always was. His head jerked up quickly enough to give him neck-pain, and he stared at the lieutenant. "Smoking will kill you," she said calmly. "As mistakes in paperwork will kill men."

Havoc felt the tears well up at her cruelty, and shut the drawer despondently.

As lunchtime neared, he began to feel hungry. It wasn't late enough for his break, and so he couldn't go and get the food from his locker. His mind drifted to thoughts of food, and he really couldn't concentrate on the other things that distracted him, other more distracting things. He sighed, and glanced at the lieutenant. She was busy, and distracted, he thought, and got up casually and pretended to stretch, covering his true motive: sneaking the carefully cut pieces of meat that she had cut and prepared for her dog. It was chicken, after all, nicely spiced, too.

A bullet exploded next to his hand, and he quickly snatched it away. He looked up to smile apologetically at her, but she wasn't even watching him.

Damn, he thought again, and hastily sat down. Lunchtime came, and he wandered to the locker-room for his food, only to find Havoc munching on an entirely too-familiar looking sandwich.

"Havoc, what the hell are you eating?"

"Your sandwich," he said calmly, flipping the page of the magazine he was reading.

"But it's mine!"

He looked up, surprised. "Hawkeye told me that I could have it, since I forgot my lunch. Something about you going out to eat today."

He was angry enough to grill Havoc and eat him. "But I have a meeting today! I can't leave! I won't be back in time!"

Havoc looked surprised at the piece of information. "Not like the lieutenant to make a mistake about your schedule. She's human, too, I suppose. You want the rest of this?"

Roy looked at the food, and then Havoc's fingers, covered in a permanent gray film of cigarette ashes, and grimly shook his head. Damn her, he thought.

As she came back from lunch, she was greeted by Mustang's best glare.

She smiled cheerfully at him, draping her jacket behind her char.

"Get back to work sir. Meeting starts in fifteen minutes. I'll need you to read the briefing on your table before we go in."

Havoc stared at her.

"I can't believe you did that to him," he said softly. She just gave him a look.

"Brieda."

"Y-yes, ma'am?"

"Why are you not doing your work?"

Breida was silent, more afraid of those amber eyes than he cared to admit.

"Brieda," she repeated.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I asked you a question."

"It's boring!" he blurted out, and then looked shocked at his own audacity.

The lieutenant sighed. "Burhaha," she called, and the dog came out from under her desk. "Guard, boy!"

The dog looked at her questioningly.

"Brieda," she answered, and he trotted over and sat down a foot from his desk.

"Lieut-t-t-ten-n-ant…" he protested faintly. "It's a dog!"

"Yes," she said dryly.

"You know how much I hate dogs!"

"Yes," she repeated. "And that dog will stay there until you finish your work."


"Here you are," she said at the end of the day, dropping a paper bag on his desk. In the same motion, she clicked her tongue. "At ease, Hayate," she said, and the dog backed off.

Roy peered inside and came out with a bagel, no cream cheese.

"I hate bagels. They're too dry," he muttered.

She didn't even glance at him. "Then maybe you should bring your own lunch."

"I did," he said.

"Really? I wonder where it went then?"

He glared at her and she rewarded him with a quiet smile before turning to Havoc, who was in the corner rocking back and forth, trying not to concentrate on his severe need for nicotine.

She flicked the lighter at him. He caught it by pure reflex and felt tears of joy fill his eyes. "Lieutennant," he sniffed. "That was too cruel."

She sighed and turned away. "Not in the office," she said, and Havoc made a mad dash for the great outdoors.

She turned back to Roy to find him wolfing down the bagel.

"Dismissed, men," she said, and the others sighed in relief, thankful to not have fallen in the lieutenant's endless cycle of crime and punishment. She watched them file out of the room with cold amusement in her eyes.

She reached for her coat and felt his arms surround her gently, pulling her to him. Damn, she thought. He makes it so hard for me. She let herself lean against him for precisely two seconds before pulling away.

"Riza," he said pleadingly, leaning in to kiss her. She intercepted his mouth with her hand placed between them.

"No," she said. "Three times, you did something today that you shouldn't have."

He sighed, a mournful look in his eyes.

"You know what that means," she said, gathering her things and walking out of the room, leaving him alone and desolate.

"No sex," he muttered, getting his own coat.

The greatest punishment of all.

Random? come on, surely you expect it of me by now? i was all geared up to write something angsty (the angst was really about to drip off my fingertips onto the keyboard, like a liquified version of flubber) but then jacksparrow sounded so patheticly depressed that i had to write some humor, just for her...sigh...i'm too soft you guys, aren't i:)

anyway, this week i got more pms than i did reviews...yay for me? can we try to amend this situation guys? please, if you didnt like it, let me know, so i can make sure i figure out what people don't like? please review, it makes me feel loved, or at least existent...


on the positive side 1000 hits YEAH!