Beware of the word fuck in this chapter. It's said a lot. 79 times actually. So… beware of it. Actually… beware of this chapter in general. You shouldn't read it.
Part 4
We Are Forever Crying Out
"What about you?"
He looks so timid and scared and broken and I feel bad. I shrug and look away. "I agree with them. But… I don't think I can stay away." And I know it's true. Even if his mother comes through that door right now and kicks my ass out, I'd just have to wait and sneak back in. Because I know I can't stay away from him now.
And just like that, I was hooked, addicted even. One night and fuck me… I was fucking helpless against him. Would have followed him off the end of the earth if he'd asked me to.
"I don't want you to."
His voice is so small and nervous and I smile and turn for his window.
"Where're you going?"
I'm halfway out the window when I glance back at him. "Home. To get some clean clothes and tell my dad where I am."
"Oh…"
"I'll be back." I say slowly. Even I can hear the slight nervousness in my voice. "If you want me."
"I do."
I'm smiling again as I grip the windowsill and slip from the window.
I'd done it a million times over the years. There was a tree in Sora's backyard. One of the branches was about three or four feet from Sora's window. I'm just awesome enough that I can pretty much fly up the tree and into his bedroom before he can even make it to the first branch. I'm also awesome enough that I don't need the tree to get down. Though one time Sora did try and follow me. And he ended up breaking his leg. But that doesn't diminish my awesomeness. Because, I'm fucking awesome. And fucking hot. And have like the BEST fucking hair on the island. Probably the whole planet. Oh… did I mention how humble I am?
I only live a few houses down from Sora so it takes no time at all for me to get home. Dad's truck is in the driveway and I let out a sigh as I step through the front door. Shit. I really do not want to see him now. Why can't he be a work? Or at some bar getting drunk off his ass like normal? I have no luck.
"Riku? Where the fuck were you?"
I hear him screaming the second I open the front door. I flinch slightly as I hear the tone in his voice. I knew he was going to be upset. With a sigh, I turn to answer him but he doesn't let me.
He closes the distance between up and wags his half drunk beer bottle in my face. "You've hardly been home the past week and a half and when you are, you're like a fucking zombie. I've had it. This is shit. And your fucking school called. Why aren't you graduating this year?"
He continues screaming for a while longer but I tune him out. I know I shouldn't because it'll just piss him off more but I can't help it. My mind keeps drifting to Sora. And I'm wondering if he's made up with Kairi yet? And if he's called his mom. I hope both go easy on him. And that the latter will let me back in the house.
And suddenly dad's gripping my arm with his free hand and shaking me. "Listen to me when I'm talking to you, boy."
"Sorry…" I mutter.
He's glaring. "What the fuck is going on with you?"
I bite my lip and I don't want to tell him anything. I just want to flee back to Sora with my tail between my legs. And I feel like a fucking little pussy shit because of it. With a sigh, I push dad's arm away and cross mine. "Sora was released from the hospital yesterday."
His expression immediately softens and it throws me. He lifts his free hand and scratches at the back of his head, like he's nervous or something. "Oh… is he… okay?"
My voice fails me and all I can do is nod like a freaking idiot. He actually sounds… concerned.
"I… uh… I'm relieved to hear it." With concern again. And actual relief. "I… really liked the kid once. Miss seeing him around here."
And again, I feel completely mind fucked. "Uh… you do?"
Dad nods and looks even more nervous, like he's in unknown waters. And he probably is. "You… uh… you spent the night over there?"
I nod slowly, still not completely trusting my voice.
"You're going back over there."
It was more of a statement, not a question, but I nod my head anyways.
"Tell him I… I'm glad he's okay and I hope he gets better. And that… he should start coming over again. Him and that girl of his. Kairi, right? You uh… were… happier when… they were around all the time."
I can't help but smile at my old man. It's probably the first time in years we've had a conversation that didn't consist of screaming. And I don't know why, but I want to tell him. I feel like I should, like I owe it to him after everything he just said to me. "Sora and I… I… I'm gay, dad."
His expression sours and he rolls his eyes as he lifts his beer bottle to his lips and takes a swig. "Fuck…" He turns his back on me and walks into the kitchen and I follow. And now I feel like shit.
"Dad?"
"How long?"
I stop just behind him and scratch at the back of my head a bit nervously. "I've sort of been… curious I guess… for a while. And… he kissed me a while ago… and I… confirmed it… last night…"
I didn't have to say anything. I really didn't. Could have gone on, living in secret sin. Wasn't like my old man and me were ever close anyways. Most of the time we couldn't stand each other. But it was like, "What the fuck?" What was the worst he could do to me anyways? Kick me out? Fine with me. I'd just shack up with Sora. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. His mother on the other hand…
"Are you sure?"
I'm staring at his back and I'm nodding and I feel awful. I wish he'd turn back around and face me or hit me or scream or something. I could handle that. "Yeah."
"With… Sora?"
"Yeah."
He's still standing with his back to me and he turns slightly to lean on the counter but still doesn't look at me. "I don't want you… two… here… doing stuff while I'm home."
"Uh… okay…"
"I don't want to hear about anything. I mean it. Not a fucking word."
My mouth drops open as I continue to stare at him. "Aren't you like… going to call me a fucking faggot or kick me out or slap me around or something? Anything?"
He lets out this sharp laugh. "If I did, would that stop you from being queer?"
"Well… no… but…"
"Then leave it alone."
And of course, I didn't. It was just so… out-of-character for him. So I just had to keep pressing buttons and wait for him to go off on me. Because I was certain he would.
"But dad…"
He pushes off from the counter and without looking at me, shoves past and moves out of the kitchen. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
And of course, I still don't list and press after him. Sometimes I really don't think. "Dad!"
He spins around and glares and points his empty beer bottle at me. "Look… I may not like it, but you have to live your own life. As long as I don't have to hear about it, I'll be perfectly happy pretending it's some fucked up phase."
I can feel myself smiling. Because that seems sort of like something he'd do. Pretend things aren't the way they are so he doesn't have to deal with things. But probably better than the other option. "It's not."
He lets out a long sigh and heads into the living room. "I know."
I get the sudden urge to tell him I love him and hug him but I don't. It's not something we do. So instead, I smile at him and point upstairs. "I'm going to change and head back over."
"Call me if you plan to stay longer or go somewhere or something." He says as he sits on the couch and picks up the remote. "Let me know where you are so I don't worry. And I want your chores done on time. And your school work too. This class dropping of yours is shit. But it's done now. You just better keep your grades perfect."
I think my mouth is permanently locked in a jaw-dropping, surprised expression. Who knew my father actually pays attention to me? Seriously fucked up.
He turns the television on and starts flipping through the channels without another word. And I just stand there like a fucking dumbass. I shake my head slowly as I hear him settle on a news program and I turn for the stairs. I change quickly and head to the bathroom next. My mind drifts to my dad, then to Sora, then Kairi, and Sora's mom. She scares me. What's she going to do and say? To Sora? To me? To Kairi because of me…
I turn the blow dryer off and run a brush through my hair. Then I share an awkward goodbye with my dad and promise to call him. And I'm out the door and sitting in Sora's window practically a second later because I'm awesome, remember?
He's got his cell phone to his ear and I can tell from his expression that his mom's yelling. He pulls the phone away from his ear and he's smiling.
"Can I come in?" I ask softly.
Sora's smiling and nodding and pats the bed beside him.
I turn by gaze to Kairi, standing in the doorway. "Is it safe?"
And she just sticks her tongue out at me.
I laugh softly. "I'll take that as a yes."
"You better."
I fall half on top of him and he attempts to push me off and I end up with my head in his lap and I'm perfectly comfortable and not moving. And he's got the phone against his ear again. I try and tune out what he's saying. It's none of my business anyways. If he wants to tell me later, I'll listen. But right now…
I look up as I hear him say he loves me and needs me and he's crying and he's got his eyes shut. Suddenly I'm kneeling beside him and gripping his tear strained cheeks. "I'm not going anywhere. I need you too." I mouth more than whisper to him.
He gives me an unconvincing smile and I lean back slightly, once again dropping my gaze and attempting to tune the conversation out. And then he says it.
"No teenage boy wants to hear his mom talk about being a bottom." And then he's hiding under his pillow and I'm afraid to breath, let alone move. I can feel my face flush slightly and I'm very aware that Kairi is still in the room.
"She wants to talk to you."
I look down as Sora's arm appears from under the pillow, holding his phone out at me. I bite my lip as I take the phone and press it to my ear. "Hello Miss Tottori. I hope you're trip is…"
"Look, you little shithead. Right now, I don't like you very much. But for some reason beyond me, my son does. If you hurt him, in any way, shape, or form, I'm going to castrate you with a meat cleaver."
My mouth drops open and my eyes widen. I get the feeling that she would too. "Uh… okay…"
"I promise you. Do you understand?"
"Yes, ma'am." I find myself nodding even though it's a phone call and she can't see me. "I understand."
"I want to completely blame you for this whole mess but I guess I can't. I have to admit to myself that something was… is wrong with Sora. He couldn't have done that if he hadn't thought about it before. But don't get me wrong. I want to like you. I really do."
I fidget slightly as she talks about Sora like that. Because she's right. There is something inside Sora that made him do what he did. But still… "I'm glad to hear that."
"Up until like three years ago, you boys were inseparable. And I considered you a son."
I have to smile at that. Because I don't' really remember my mom and I always sort of saw Rain as my mother growing up. "I miss that."
"You keep your ass in check and maybe one day we can get back to that."
"I hope we can." And I'm smiling. Hugely and dumbly I know. And I'm thinking maybe this isn't going too bad.
"I will be keeping an eye on you."
Nope. Not bad at all. "I wouldn't expect any less."
"Tell my son I love him and I was just teasing him. He really can be too sensitive sometimes. I will see you three in a couple of days."
I hang up the phone and jump on the still hidden Sora and he protests and wiggles and I pull the pillow away and pin him. And Kairi's shrieking and I'm still laughing and then Sora manages to throw me off and he darts out of the room with Kairi in tow. I count to three in my head, giving them a head start. With a smile, I leap off the bed, out the door, and down the stairs.
They dart into the living room and I'm a step behind them. All three of us end up falling on the couch and then rolling on the floor. I'm half on top of Sora and Kairi's technically got me pinned. And we're all laughing and for a moment, I forget everything that's happened over the past year and it's like it's always been between the three of us. All together again.
And then Sora ruins it.
I feel him wiggle out from under me and I attempt to get up and help. But Kairi pushes me back down and she's laughing and I know I could easily flip her off and she knows it but I don't. We wrestle around for a second or two before I hear his voice.
"Shit…"
The tone in that single word startles me and I sit up, pulling Kairi with me. "What's wrong?"
Sora's looking down at his chest and his fingers are prodding a red spot on his shirt. Blood. He's bleeding. My eyes widen with the realization and I push Kairi off and jump up. "Fuck, Sora." Without waiting for him to protest, I yank his shirt off over his head.
He wrenches his shirt back and holds it to his chest, covering the marks. He looks pissed. Like really pissed. And I feel like shit. "I'm fine. Fuck off. I just tore the scab open. No big deal."
I look away and let out a sigh. "Sorry." I mutter.
He backs up slowly and I move to follow and he glares. "You stay here. You too." He says, looking to Kairi. "I can find a fucking bandage and shirt by myself. I'm not a fucking baby."
I lift my eyes and my gaze follows his bare back until he's out of view. A hand grabs mine and tugs and I turn to see Kairi on the couch.
"Sit with me." She orders, smiling.
I nod and fall down beside her. I feel like shit. I didn't mean react like that. But… I just don't want to see him hurt ever again.
She's smiling awkwardly and biting her lip and looks nervous. Then she lets out a sigh and leans back. "Look… I'm sorry for the way I've been acting the past couple days. After he woke up and Rain talked to him… she couldn't believe Sora would ever do anything like that. No one did." She shakes her head slowly. "It's Sora! He's always so happy and bouncy and shit. And when he couldn't remember anything that happened… Rain needed someone to blame… you were it and I'm sorry I let her drag me into it."
I shrug and look away from her. I don't really want to talk about this with her at the moment. I'd rather go find Sora and make sure he's really okay. But of course, I don't. I know it'll just piss him off at the moment. "I can't say that it didn't hurt but I deserved it. Whether or not he wants to admit it, it was my fault."
I look over at her when she doesn't say anything and she's pursing her lips. "Very indirectly." She says after a moment. "You didn't know. I didn't know."
"But… I should have." My mind reasons. "The more I think about it… the more I realize the signs where there. I think…"
I hear her sigh and I look over at her again. "Now I feel really stupid. I saw no signs and I'm the one who's always around."
I smile and throw an arm around her. "Change of subject?"
"Slight change." She says, turning slightly on the couch to face me. "You and Sora. Last night?" She tilts her head as she asks.
I shrug. "I can't explain it. I really can't." And it's the truth because I really can't. "I just… I feel like he completes me. My better half. My soul mate. The ying to my yang."
She smiles as she shakes her head. "Well… I can't say I completely understand because I've never felt like that… but… I'm happy for you. I really am."
"Thanks Kairi. That means a lot." And it really does. Because despite everything, she's like my little sister.
"This better mean that I'll get to see you more too."
I laugh and nod. "Yeah. I'll have you sick of me in no time."
"Hey…" We both turn and look behind us as we hear his voice. He's got a different shirt on and his face is flushed slightly and his eyes are puffy like he was crying. "I'm sorry I freaked." And his voice is so tiny.
"Oh! Hey! If you're back…" Kairi jumps up and claps her hands together. "Let's get the party started."
"Party?"
"Oh yeah." She looks at me and smiles. "It's later than the original date… but Sora and I are having our anniversary party tonight. We can order food and pig out and stay up all night watching movies."
I nod slowly and start to stand up, assuming they wanted to celebrate alone. "I'll go…"
"No!" Kairi grabs my arm before I get too far. "You're celebrating with us too."
"Are you sure?" I glance over at Sora.
He's smiling and nodding. "Stay."
I glance from one to the other before nodding. "Sure. Why not? Not like I got anything else to do."
"Great! I'll order some pizzas!" She darts into the kitchen and I laugh. I hear Sora clear his throat and I look over at him. He looks sad and nervous and freaked out. I lift my arms and motion for him. "Come here." He hesitates a moment before stepping into my embrace and I hold him close. "It's going to be okay, Sora." I whisper it softly against his ear. "I promise."
"But I don't want you to feel obligated…"
"Sora… I don't do anything I don't want to do."
He sighs against me and pulls away. He looks so broken. One day I hope I can help him get back to the person he used to be. I really do.
We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging and pigging out. Then we walked along the beach and Sora and I threw Kairi into the water. She jumped at me in retaliation and we all ended up wet and caked in sand. When it got dark, we went back to Sora's, snuggled up on the couch, and spent half the night watching movies.
"Do you want to go upstairs?"
He's got his hand under my shirt, tracing circles on my abs. And shit… Kairi fell asleep like an hour ago and I just want to pin him down and bite every inch of him. But something in the back of my head says no, stop, slow down. And I want to smack it. I feel his fingers tracing lower and I grab his hand before I lose control of my thoughts. He looks at me shyly and I have to take a deep breath and look away.
"Sora… I don't think that would be a good idea."
He pulls his hand away and looks down. And I could smack myself for making him look that way.
"Wait a minute…" I say quickly. "What I mean is… if we go upstairs now…" I falter slightly because he's looking at me again. "I think we're… moving too fast."
"Too fast?" He asks, looking confused.
"I don't want a relationship based on sex."
Sora seems even more confused for a moment before he sighs and pulls farther away from me. "But we're already done it. Where does that leave us?"
I think about that for a second. "I want to take you out on a date."
"A date?" His eyes are huge and he's smiling as he looks at me. "Like where people can see us?"
I laugh because that's such a Sora thing to ask. "Well… yeah. That's the general idea."
"What are your friends going to say?"
I actually hadn't thought about any of them for a while. It was like the moment I got Sora and Kairi back, Shiva and the others were forgotten. I was doing it again. I replaced my old friends with new friends, and then was once again replacing the new with the old. I really did like them all. I did. I didn't want to lose my new friends. I could do without Shiva's flaunting and flirting though. But why couldn't my new friends be friends with my old friends?
I shrug and look away. "I hadn't really thought about them. Quistis is too busy being an overachiever to notice anything. Nida… I've sort of always thought was in the closet anyways. Siren won't care. She'll probably say it's cute or some shit. Irvine will make crude jokes and tease me for taking so long to get some ass, but that's just his personality. Shiva… she won't be happy. She's been trying to get into my pants since the day she met me."
I can see Sora pouting slightly out of the corner of my eyes. He crosses his arms and leans back and it's cute.
"She'll probably be worse now." I continue, thinking about my odd stalker-friend. "Try to convert me or some shit. So she'll be fun to deal with."
Sora looks down for a moment. "How… uh… far has she gotten?"
"Shiva and me?" I shake my head. "Oh believe me, it's always been one hundred percent one-sided. She's landed some sloppy kisses and gropes. And there was the one time she got me drunk…"
"And?"
"It took me a while to realize what she was doing. She had her clothes off and was working on mine. Siren came to my rescue when Shiva screamed after I threw up on her. You'd think with my father I'd have a high tolerance for alcohol. But I don't. Siren cleaned me up, helped me get dressed, and drove me home. But Shiva still never got the message. I wouldn't sleep with her sober and it certainly didn't work when she got me drunk. So you can bet a boyfriend won't stop her."
"Boyfriend?"
I say it without thinking but it does have a nice ring to it. Boyfriend. My boyfriend. I smile and nod and glance over at him. "Well… yeah… I guess I just assumed." I pause for a moment, suddenly worried. "Unless you don't…"
He grabs my hand and shakes his head. "Oh no. I'd love that very much."
"Really?"
He leans his head on my shoulder and I think I could die right then and be perfectly fine. Although I'd be dead. So yeah… not really a good thing. But the statement gets my point across, right? I have never been as happy in my life as I am, right this instance, sitting on the couch with him. My Sora. And he's alive and he's awake and he's alright.
"Thank you, Riku."
"For what?"
"For thinking I liked Cyndi Cuttlermin."
I don't say anything to that. Once again he reminds me that I started all this. I'm the one who pushed him… physically and literally. I'm the one that assumed he like Cyndi and tried to goad him into asking her out. I'm the one who punched him and called him a faggot when he kissed me. This is all my fucking fault.
He pushes off me and turns to look at me. "Did that come out wrong?" He bites his lip and looks down. "I just mean… you know… if you hadn't…" He's looking down at his hands and he's nervous. "I know it's horrible. But… I wouldn't be sitting here with you… with you calling me your boyfriend… if you hadn't thought I liked Cyndi."
I roll my eyes and cross my arms. "Sora… that is so fucking messed up."
He shrugs a bit and smiles. "It's true… isn't it?"
"Yeah… I guess…" Technically, what he says is true. But I don't want to admit it still. Because it's so seriously fucked up.
A silence hangs in the air for a while before Sora looks over at me and breaks it. "Can I… uh… never mind." He blushes a bit and it's cute.
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Sora…" He's looking down at his hands and fiddling with his fingers. He mumbles something but I don't catch it. "What?"
"Can I braid your hair?" He says with an exacerbated sigh.
The request catches me by surprise and I laugh. Sora wanted to braid my hair? Seriously? He slinks away and looks mortified. "Wait! I didn't say no. I was just surprised." I say quickly. "I wouldn't mind." We shift around on the couch until he's got his back against the arm and my head is in his lap.
"You really don't mind?"
"Sora…" I hear him laugh and feel his fingers attentively touch my hair. I let out a sigh as he runs his hands over my scalp and through my hair. And I'm such a pervert. Because it feels way too good. And it's a good thing I'm suddenly too tired and yawn.
He keeps at it for a while, twisting and occasionally pulling softly on my hair. After a while, I look over at Kairi, asleep on the recliner and watch her for a moment. It always surprises me what that girl can sleep through. I smile as the silence in the room and Sora's movements drags on. When I notice those movements slow down, I'm the one who breaks that silence. "So… should we put on a movie and go to sleep?"
"Down here?" Sleepiness laces his voice as he asks.
"Couch pulls out, doesn't it?" I'm positive I can keep my hands off him with Kairi in the room… even if we are sleeping in a technical bed. At least I think I can. Yeah… fairly certain. Sort of. Maybe…
When we were younger, Sora would tease me that I had girly hair. Probably because I was the only boy on the island that had longer hair as far as we knew. But I always liked my hair so I kept it and let it grow. Sora had really short hair when he was growing up. Much different than he had then. When he was like ten or eleven, he told me he wanted to start growing his hair out like mine. But he soon found out his hair was too thick to do that. No matter how long he let it grow, it wouldn't hang like mine. It clumped together in these weird spikes around his head. He was disappointed when he realized he couldn't have hair like mine. But I convinced him the fluffy spikes suited him. Because they did. So he kept his hair like that from then on. And I was happy he did.
I'm vaguely aware of Sora clinging to me and his breath on my neck. I know it's got to be getting late in the morning. We should be getting up. We've got one more day to ourselves before his mother comes back and ruins it. Then back to school, I assume. Actually, I hope. For once, I'm excited about seeing Shiva. God… I haven't thought about her in forever. But what I said to Sora last night… I smile as I think about what Shiva's going to do. And I'm so evil. Pure evil. Because I cannot wait to tell her that instead of screwing her, I got it on with Sora. A guy.
I'm not quite awake yet but still lingering on the edge of sleep as my mind runs rampant with way too many thoughts. I shift slightly and move closer to Sora. I'm thinking about rolling over and throwing my arms around him when something loud rings out.
Sora and I both jump and the sudden movements force us to knock out foreheads together. "Shit!" He says, rubbing his forehead. I do the same and blink away the bright light that's pouring into the room. Apparently someone thought it was a good idea to open the curtains and flood the room with blindingly annoying sunlight.
Oh yeah! The crash. There's a second one and we both look to the kitchen. "Kairi's trying to cook." Sora says.
"Sounds like it." I shake my head slowly. It always amazes me how much trouble Kairi has in the kitchen. "Need help?" I call out to her loudly.
There's another crash and she pops out. "Hey! You're both supposed to be asleep."
"Can't sleep when you're remodeling Sora's kitchen." I say with a yawn and stretch.
She glares at me and cocks her hands on her hips. "I just dropped a few things. It was not that much noise."
"Mom won't be happy if you break something."
"Oh stuff it. I'm making breakfast, alright? Give me a half hour."
"I'm not hungry…" Sora starts to say but she doesn't let him.
"Don't start with me mister."
She disappears back in the kitchen and Sora and I exchange a glance. "We should probably put your living room back together."
He wrinkles his nose. "I hate cleaning."
"Oh come on. It won't be so bad."
Blah, blah, blah. Rest of the day was pretty boring. We cleaned, we ate, and we fixed the kitchen after Kairi ruined it. We hung out at the beach. We ran into some of the old gang and they were happy to see both Sora and me. I told Sora what my dad said and he didn't believe me. So I dragged him over and dad mumbled something about being happy Sora was okay and that he missed seeing him around. Sora joked about dad having had a stroke or being possessed by some alien body snatcher. We all laughed. So altogether… it was a good day. But not really interesting enough to go into real detail about. But I did spend that night at my own house in my own bed. I thought it best if I wasn't there when Rain returned the next morning. No telling what she was planning. And we couldn't spend all our time together anyways. But yeah. His mom came home. Sora told me she was pretty cool about things. She sent Kairi away. She laid off a bit. Even agreed to him going back to school as long as the therapist said it was okay.
Sora sighs and grips my hand tightly. A snarky comment comes to my mind about him cutting off circulation but I resist the urge. "It'll be fine, Sora."
He doesn't look at me. "But… what if… it isn't? She controls my life! If she says I'm nuts, mom'll keep me out of school or worse… she'll ship me off somewhere, lock me up, and throw away the key."
I try to stop from laughing but fail. He turns and glares and I cover my mouth to stifle it. But still… I can't stop laughing. I shouldn't, I really know I shouldn't. But I laugh loudly anyways and soon, Sora joins me. We stop and gasp for air as people around us stop and stare for a moment at the crazy teenage boys. But I notice his grip on my hand has lessened. "You know your mom really wouldn't do that. And Kairi and I wouldn't let her."
He smiles and leans his head on my shoulder. And we sit in silence for a little while until an older brunette lady comes out of the office we are sitting in front of. "Sora!" You're here early."
He sits up and nods but doesn't let go of my hand. "Hi Dr. Whick."
I watch Sora and can't help but smile. Because he's smiling and all is right with the world. "And who is your friend here?" I realize she's talking about me and look over at her.
"This is my… uh… friend Riku."
I can feel myself smiling more as I hear the awkwardness in his voice. He had mentioned something about his therapist blaming me for the events that caused all this. I can only imagine what sorts of things she's going to say to me or what she's going to say to him inside her office because I'm here. But she's smiling. "Well…great! You two come right on in."
You two? Me included? "Uh… I was just going to wait out here…"
"Nonsense. I'd like to speak with you too."
Sora stands up and tugs on our still joined hands. "Come on Riku."
"Sora… I don't think…"
"Please!" He's pouting and I roll my eyes and let him drag me inside. But I'm terrified. I'd don't admit it, of course, but I am. I keep thinking she's going to convince him I'm this horrible person and he's going to realize it and go away. Shit… am I really that addicted to him so quickly? That I can't see myself without him? Completely fucked, isn't it?
She pulls a chair out of the corner of the office and slides it beside the single one in front of the desk. Then she motions towards them and sits behind her desk. "Have a seat." And we do. And Sora's still holding my hand. And she smiles and looks at Sora. "How are you feeling today, Sora?"
I feel like I'm trespassing, like I shouldn't be here. This is Sora's thing, with his therapist. He can't possibly feel like talking honestly about things with me sitting here. I should just get up and run away. But then he squeezes my hand and I glance over and he's smiling.
"I'm doing great today, Dr. Whick. And I'm being honest. I haven't had any more panic attacks and mom finally left me alone in the house this morning while she when shopping. It was only for an hour and she called three times… but she still left me." He insists. "Alone and nothing bad happen."
"She left you completely alone?"
Sora nods, clearly pleased with himself. "It took a lot of convincing and promising that I'd pick up the phone when she called. And she said I couldn't leave the house. And she moved all the knives and everything sharp in the house into a locked drawer in her room. But she still left me alone! And she promised to think about letting me go back to school. If… you say I can."
Dr. Whick's smiling and taking notes and she stops and looks up at Sora. "I think as long as you feel you're up to handling it, you should go back to school. It's good to get yourself back to a normal routine."
"Yeah! See… that's what I thought!"
"But…" She says quickly. "Are you ready? By now all your friends and classmates know what you did. They are going to ask questions and some will treat you differently. Your teachers probably will too. Can you handle that?"
I shift my eyes to Sora again and he's slouching down in his chair. I squeeze his hand, trying to comfort him as he's silent. "I… I think I can." He says slowly. "And if I can't… I'll have my friend with me…" I don't say anything but I'm smiling. "And if it gets so bad that I don't think I can handle it… I'll call mom to come take me home."
"That's a good plan, Sora." She says with a smile. "Because there's no shame in admitting you need help and asking for it. No one is perfect, alright? Everyone needs help."
He nods. "Yes. I know that now. Instead of… doing what I did… I should have… tried to talk to my mom or Kairi. I should have waited. Just because Riku hit me and I thought he hated me isn't a reason to… kill myself."
I'm looking at the floor now. And I really wish I was anywhere but here.
"But it's not Riku's fault." Sora says quickly and I feel his eye on me and he's squeezing my hand. "It's not your fault."
I don't take my eyes off the floor. Because I'm not so sure I can ever believe that statement. And once again, I wish I wasn't here. I really don't need to hear this shit again. Because I know it's my fault. I think about it enough already. The world really needs to stop reminding me. Please.
"Now… you Riku." I finally look up as I hear her voice directed at me. "I've heard a lot about you. How are you feeling?"
I shrug and drop my gaze. I want to lie. I feel like lying. But somehow, I think she would know and not let me go. "Like shit. Happy shit, but still shit."
"Can you elaborate on that?"
I let out a sigh because I can feel Sora's eyes on me and his grip on my hand. And no, I don't want to elaborate. "I'm happy Sora's alright." It feels weird to talk about him like he's not in the room. But the same had been done to me a moment before so I try not to think about it and continue. "Alive and stuff. He makes me happy. But… I still feel like it's all my fault."
"But I just said…"
"Sora… no interrupting. Let Riku express his feelings."
"That's pretty much it." Please let the floor collapse and swallow me whole! I should have never come. "I'm happier than I've probably ever been. But we'll be hanging out or something together and I'll be fine… and then I get reminded of when I found him and that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have done it." Man… I sound selfish. This isn't about me and here I am whining.
His grip tightens on my hand and I know he's just trying to comfort me like I did for him, but I can't take it at the moment. I wrench my hand away and hear him let out a surprised squeak. But the therapist is talking again.
"What sorts of situations trigger these flashbacks?"
I lace my fingers together in my lap and stare at them. Why the fuck is she so interested in me anyways? Sora is her patient, not me. I shouldn't have to answer any of these stupid questions. "I don't know. Just stuff."
"Think about it for a moment. Try and give me an example."
I sigh and shrug. "Like we'll be sitting there and he'll make a joke about it. About hurting himself or that it's a good thing I thought he had a crush on that girl or how fun it was to walk around the house with his mother, looking for sharp objects. That shit isn't funny to me."
"I see…"
"Or we'll be alone together and he'll want to… touch me… like upper body I mean." I add quickly. "And I let him. But the minute I sneak my hand under his shirt, he freaks out." It had only happened twice, but she asked for an example. So there is it.
"I see…" She says a second time and makes a few more notes. And I hate this. "Sora… do you have anything to say to that?"
"I don't want him to see them." The scars. Sora still can't seem to say the word scars. "He gets… this sad look on his face when he does."
"Because this is all my fault!" I snap. "You shouldn't have to be afraid like this."
"It's not your fault! I did this to myself!"
"This isn't working." I say, standing up. "Can I leave now?"
"No. I have a few more questions for you."
I roll my eyes and point to Sora. "He's your patient, not me."
"I know that." She says evenly. "But you're helping me to… understand a few things and get to the root of the problem."
"The problem? Me?" I slink down back in the chair and cross my arms. "See, Sora? She thinks it's my fault. The verdict is in."
"I am not here to place blame." Dr. Whick says. "There is no one person or one situation in which to place all the blame." Neither Sora nor I say anything for a while and she continues. "Now Riku… how do you feel about what Sora said when I asked him how he was? Do you think he's telling the truth? That he's doing great and ready for school?"
I shrug. "Yeah, I guess so. He says he is. And he doesn't seem any different from the Sora I grew up with."
"I understand Sora has been harboring feelings for you for quite some time." I can see Sora squirming out of the corner of my eyes as she asks. "Can the same be said about you?"
"Honestly… no. I mean… I've always felt a bit… off in the dating department. Girls flirt and throw themselves at me all the time. Especially one of my friends. No matter how many times I turn her down, she's determined she'll break me down. But I've never been interested in anyone enough to actually date them."
"What about if your friend Kairi hadn't called you or couldn't convince you to come over?"
"I think even if she hadn't called me, I would have gone over. Because I really… liked when he kissed me." I'm certain on that fact.
More notes are made. "Alright… what if the incident on Friday at your school hadn't happened, if he hadn't kissed you and stirred up the unknown feelings, what do you think would have happened?"
Now that I don't think I've really thought of. "I… I guess I would have gone home… I probably would have taken Cydni to the dance."
"Would you still want to be with Sora now if none of this ever happened?"
I don't answer right away. I hadn't really thought about that. But if Sora hadn't kissed me… if I hadn't gone over to his house and found him… "How does talking about this in front of Sora help him?"
She ignores my question and asks her own. "Are you here out of guilt, Riku?"
"Guilt?"
"You said it yourself a few times. You blame yourself."
"No… wait… I…"
She doesn't let me get a word in. "You two seem pretty lovey-dovey out in the hall. It's only been four days since I saw you last, Sora. When you told me you two were no longer friends. And now…"
Sora's eyes widen and turns in his chair to gawk at me. "Did you… did you… with me because you feel guilty?"
"No." I turn to look at him and shake my head. "No. She's wrong. And I'm not listening to this shit anymore." I don't wait for a response and slip out into the hallway. I sink down into the chair I had been sitting in earlier and I just want to die. If she wanted to grill me, I wish she had done it alone. Having Sora in the room while she said those things… Yes, I feel guilty. But that guilt doesn't mean… I didn't… certainly not just because I…
I lower my head into my hands and try not to think anymore. Shit… anyone have a rewind button? Seriously! Can I please just go back to this morning?
Almost a half hour passes before the door opens again and Sora slips out. He looks at me but doesn't say anything. I stand up and don't say anything. And we both turn down the hall and we don't day anything.
I don't look at him as we walk down the hall of the hospital and out into the parking lot. We climb into my jeep and the silence is killing me but I don't know what to say to him. Damn his therapist. Why'd she have to make me say and think those things? I bet Sora's mother had a hand in it. That shit she said about giving me a chance was just a lie to placate me at the time. Fuck! I don't break the silence until I pull into Sora's driveway. "I don't care what she says." I say slowly. "I… I love you. I do. I swear." My eyes are on the steering wheel and I'm gripping it so tightly that my knuckles are turning white.
"Are you really so sure? Are you only saying it out of guilt?"
He doesn't sound mad. Or even sad, as he asks. I think he sounds tired. "I…"
"The truth, Riku. I want the truth."
The truth… what is the truth? Do I know anymore? "I don't know."
He turns away from me and opens the door. "Then go home and think about it. If the answer ends up being no… I won't… do it again. I promise."
He's still inside the jeep with me. I want to reach over and stop him. I could reach over and stop him. But I don't move. All I do is say his name. "Sora…"
"Go!"
He slips out and runs for the door and I know he's crying. And my mind is screaming at me to run after him. To grab him and tell him what I know he wants to hear. But… would it be the truth? "Fuck! FUCK!"
I could skip over the part where I sat in my jeep and actually cried like a fucking baby in his driveway for nearly five minutes. My bruised masculinity demands it in fact. But fuck it. I did cry. In my jeep. Parked in his fucking driveway. For five minutes. Until I realized it and panicked and drove home.
I feel dead inside. Seriously. I don't know how long I have been sitting my driveway. But my head hurts from crying and my lower body hurts from sitting. And then in a manner that I'm sure mimics the zombie comment dad made the other day, I slip out of the jeep and amble towards the door.
He must have been watching me from the windows or something because suddenly the front door is open and he's pulling me into the house. "Riku? What's wrong with you? You were sitting outside so long, I was about to come and get you."
I can see and hear his concern over me and he appears sober for once, and it's all too much for me. I hate myself for it, but I'm crying in front of him and I can't stop.
"Jesus Riku. What the fuck is wrong with you?" He pulls me farther into the house and slams the front door shut. I rub at my eyes to get them to stop but they won't. It's like they have a mind of their own. "Riku!"
"I… I don't know." I choke out, still pawing at my stupid fucking eyes.
"Did you have a fight with Sora?"
"I don't know."
"How the fuck can you not know?"
"I don't know!"
"Shit boy… what happened? You were fine when you left the house this morning."
"I…"
"Don't fucking say you don't know. What happened?"
I feel the pain in my head lessening and blink away the last of the fucking tears. And I look at him. And he looks completely seriously. "You said you don't want to hear anything."
"I said I didn't want to hear details… about stuff you do together." And again I'm wondering if Sora's teasing about the strokes and body snatchers could be true. He grabs me and pushes me towards the couch. "Out with it before I stop caring." Did he just said he cared?
He pushes me roughly and I fall on the couch. "Sora has to meet with a therapist twice a week."
"Probably a good idea. Kid tried to off himself.
I lean forward slightly and rub at the back of my head. "Well… he didn't want to go to the hospital by himself so he asked if I'd take him."
He sits down beside me and leans forward. "He stand you up or something?"
"No… we went. And the fucking therapist made me go in with him. Said she had some questions she wanted to ask and Sora pretty much dragged me in. And I'm sitting there, listening to them talking like I'm not in the room and it was fucked up dad. Then she starts asking me how I feel and shit."
I sneer as I say it and dad smiles. "Fucking nosey bitch."
"And then she starts talking about how I blame myself and insinuating I'm only with Sora out of guilt."
"Guilt?" Dad's shaking his head and I look up at him. "Fuck that shit. You're my son. We're assholes at heart, every one of us. We don't let guilt or obligation run our lives."
But dad doesn't know the whole truth. When I called him to tell him what happened, all I said was that Kairi asked me to go check on Sora and that I found him. "The thing is… I do feel guilty. That day… he did that because…" I sigh and lean back. "He's been in love with me for years and I picked a stupid fight with him over this girl. I was goading him. And he… kissed me and I hit him and called him a faggot. That's why he went home and tried to hack himself apart."
"Fuck Riku. You didn't tell me that." He's shaking his head slowly.
"No shit. What would you have said if I had?"
"That it's all your fucking fault."
My mouth drops open and I gawk at him. "Dad!" Yes, that is exactly what I think. But everyone else tries to convince me I'm not at fault.
"Let me go pull out one of my old blades." And he's fucking smiling. "Then you can slit your wrists and Sora can blame himself and you boys can be even."
"What the fuck dad? This isn't funny!"
"No shit, it ain't" The smile fades and he's serious again. "And neither is crying like a fucking pussy when you saved the damn kid's life."
"But he wouldn't have needed saving if I hadn't…"
"If you hadn't what?" He interrupts me. "The kid snapped, alright? Did something drastic in the heat of the moment, when he wasn't thinking clearly, that I'm sure he regrets now. Lord knows I know what that feels like." He mumbles the last part and shakes his head. "But it's not your fault. Did he tell anybody he liked you?"
I sigh and shake my head. "No." I wish he had.
"Did you know?"
"No."
Dad leans forward and puts his hand on my back. And it's fucking weird. "He was a ticking time bomb, Riku. He could have gone off at any time. He's damn lucky he did when he did. Because if he had done it some other night when his mother or that girl weren't around or skipped school or ran away or some shit, he would be dead. He's lucky he gave you a reason to go breaking down his door."
I don't say anything for a long time. Dad's the last person I'd expect giving anyone psychiatric help. But what he's saying… it makes me feel almost better. And maybe it makes sense. "But… I still don't know if…"
"If what?" He prompts when I stop.
I sigh and look at the floor. "It's weird talking about this stuff with you."
"Fucking pansy ass."
I roll my eyes and shake my head. The man can't go two minutes without insulting me even when he's being nice. "What the therapist said about me only being with him out of guilt. If I admit I'm not guilty… shit! I was happy this morning. Why the fuck did she have to make me think?"
He smiles and shrugs. "That's what shrinks do. Fill your head with nonsense until you're more messed up then when you came in so they can tell you you're fucked up and charge you for more shrinking sessions." He pauses a moment and leans back. "Look… you told me this gay thing was something you'd thought about before, right?"
I shrug. "Yeah. The girls that throw themselves at me have never done anything for me."
He makes a sour face but nods. "When he… kissed you… you liked it, right? I don't really want to know, but you felt something, right?"
Instead of answering, I smile up at him. Dad makes a weird homophobe.
"If that girl hadn't called you, would you have gone over?"
With a sigh, I nod. This question again. "I actually felt a little sick afterwards. More over my actions than Sora's. The twins had to drive me home."
He's laughing and shaking his head. "You got to be gay if you ain't banging one of them. Damn girls are hot."
"And seventeen."
"Ain't mean I can't look."
I laugh at that and wonder what the twins would think if I told them my dad thought they were hot. It would be fucking funny as shit. "Anyways… I fell asleep for like an hour and then she called. But… I think even if she hadn't asked me, I would have gone over when I woke up."
"Why?"
"You want the truth?" I can feel my lips twitching up as I ask.
"I want the G version."
"Fine." I shrug. "I was curious. I wanted to do stuff. And apologize."
"What about when you found him?"
"I did everything I could to keep him alive."
"I mean what were you thinking about? Before you got it in your head that you were guilty."
I try to think back. It feels like it happened an eternity ago. Had I thought about anything but keeping Sora alive? "He looked so… small… and peaceful… like he was sleeping. I just… I wanted him to be okay so bad." I can feel the tears trying to start back up and I lower my head. "So I could tell him how stupid I was… am… for my actions that day and for dropping him and Kairi the way I did… I wanted him to know that I wasn't repulsed by him. I'm so fucking selfish. I wanted him to be okay so we could… do stuff."
"So to recap… you think you're gay, but not sure. Sora kisses you, you freak out, and overreact. You realize you probably are gay and go to Sora's to do gay stuff. And you saved his life."
He says it so bluntly and I feel a bit speechless. "Yeah… I guess so…"
"If you ask me, you were developing feelings or some shit before you started feeling guilty. Now maybe once the guilt set in it made those feelings go haywire or some fucking shit. But they were there to begin with."
"So you think… maybe it was too fast… but it wasn't fake?"
"I don't want to know how fast it was or wasn't." He says quickly. "But yes."
I nod slowly, thinking about that. It could be true. "So… what should I do now?"
He leans back on the couch, stretches out, and props his feet up on the coffee table. "Go get me a beer so I can get drunk and kick your ass like a normal weekend."
I laugh a bit. That's the first thing he's said today that sounds like himself. "I mean about Sora."
"What'd he say after all that shit went down with the therapist?"
"He asked if I really loved him or if it was guilt. When I couldn't answer, he told me to go home and think about it."
"Then fucking listen to the boy and do that. Stop all this fucking guilt shit and think. Honestly. Give it a few a days. In the mean time… get me a beer. And don't ever bring this conversation up again. I will deny I said anything."
Dad can be a real shithead most of the time. Then he goes and does something like that and I wonder why he can't be like that all the time. But I'd probably miss the shithead part if he was. So I never brought it up to him again, like he asked. And when he got drunk that night, I sat with him and let him yell at me until he passed out. But I was grateful for having him there that night. There's no telling what I might have done if he wasn't.
It's Sora's first day back to school today. I haven't called him since he told me to go home and think on Saturday. I tried to do just that. But I'm still not sure I have an answer for him. Dad's right. There were feelings there when I went over that day. But after everything that happened, can I trust that what I feel now is still genuine?
"RIKUUU!" Fuck… She jumps at me a full second after she screamed. And she's got her arms around me and she's pressing up against me and yep. I'm gay. And I wish she was shorter. And flat-chested. And had brown hair. And was a lot less clingy and annoying and went by the name of Sora.
"Shiva! Get off!"
She lets me pry her off and I hold her back at shoulder length. "Oh you poor dear! Being traumatized and all! Are you sure you should be back? You look tired."
"Shiva, I'm fine."
"But after everything…"
"Shiva… I'm fine!" I repeat and spy Siren coming over. "Hey Siren."
"Hey Riku. She starting in on you already?"
I release my grip on her shoulders slowly and wag a silent finger at her, warning her to keep her hands to herself. "Before you ask too, I'm fine."
"I'm sure you are." She says with a smile. "You were at school half of last week."
"Until that kid woke up, huh?" Shiva says just as Irvine, Quistis, and Nida joined us.
"That kid has a name." I snap, glaring at her.
"Totally insensitive Shiva." Irvine shakes his head and grabs my arm. "Come on man. Bell's about to ring."
I let Irvine drag me inside, relieved that Shiva isn't right behind us. I really don't want to deal with her right now. And her first class is far way from mine. I sigh and rub at my forehead. And I wonder where Sora is. If he came today and if he's with Kairi. And if he's freaking out about school or about me. And I'm a fucking asshole.
"So how is your friend doing? Sora, right? Didn't know you two were close."
"He's doing better. He freaks out a bit sometimes and he was nervous about today. But he's good." We turn down the hall and head for the stairwell. "We… sort of grew up together. We were best friends our whole lives… but… we sort of drifted apart over the summer and… and when school started… I guess I started hanging out with you guys and he stuck with our old friends."
"Ah. Tough break. But I'm glad to hear the kid's doing better. He's lucky you were there."
We leave the stairwell and turn as the tardy bell rang. I glance down the hall towards our classroom and stop. Sora's standing at the other end of the hall with Kairi looking like she's attempting to pull him into a classroom. I grab Irvine's arm to stop him before we get noticed and pull him back into the stairwell.
"Dude! What's wrong?"
"I saw him."
"Who?"
"Sora. Down the hall."
"So?"
"So I… uh…" I know I'm stammering and shaking and looking like a complete fucking idiot. Seriously!
Irivne's looking at me and he's worried. "Are you okay? Did something happen?"
"Sort of…"
"Come on." He grabs my arm and starts pulling me back up the stairs.
"Where are we going?"
"Parking lot. You left something in your jeep, didn't you?"
"Uh… yeah…" The halls are empty as we sneak back outside and weave through the parking lot. Irvine makes it to my jeep first and turns to lean against it. He smiles and cocks an eyebrow. "What?"
"Besides the obvious… what happened that has you hiding from the kid?"
I shrug and move to lean against the jeep beside him. "A lot of shit."
"Need an ear?"
I shake my head. "Sorry, but I've done a lot of talking and listening and thinking in the past couple days. I'd just like everyone to leave me alone and stop bugging me around it."
"Oh…" He laughs and scratches at the back of his head. "Sorry for dragging you off then."
I shrug. "You didn't know. And I don't mind skipping class today."
We're silent for a moment before Irvine looks over at me. "Since talking is out… what do you want to do?"
"Uh… I don't know. I haven't seen you guys much in the past couple weeks. What's been going on? You still dating that Yuna chick?"
He smiles and shakes his head. "Nah. She dumped my ass last week. Caught me flirting with a junior at the dance. Actually… Selphie hangs out with Sora's group so you probably know her."
I laugh. "Yeah, I know her. She's got a steady on and off boyfriend."
"I know but the guy's a douche. Look at me! I've got him fucking pegged. But anyways… Yuna catches us flirting and I talk my way out of it. And then she catches us again and she slapped me and called me asshole or some shit."
"You are."
He smiles widely. "I know. But everyone still loves me."
I shake my head and laugh at him. Things have got to be so much easier for him, being straight and all. Everyone expects it because it's the normal, accepted thing. You don't have to announce to everyone that you're straight. "You date a lot… right?" I ask slowly. So much for not wanting to talk.
He shrugs. "Yeah, I guess I do. Why?"
"Uh… I just… never mind." I shake my head and wave it off. Maybe I don't want to talk.
"Ah dude! Finally got yourself a girlfriend, huh?"
I look down at the ground and don't exactly answer right away. "Uh…"
"About fucking time." He shakes his head and laughs loudly. "You had me worried you were gay or something."
"Uh…"
"You are, aren't you? Oh fuck yes! Nida owes me $20."
My mouth drops open as I gawk at him. "You… had a bet about me being gay?"
"Yep."
"You… don't care?" I ask slowly. Irvine's always been all about dating and girls obviously but I've always had him pegged as an easy going guy who wouldn't care. I hope that's true.
He shrugs. "It's your life. Why should it matter to me who you're banging?"
"Uh… well…"
"You're banging him, aren't you?"
"I…"
"Damn! Took you long enough. It's Sora, isn't it?"
I feel completely mind fucked again. Is it written on my face or something? Was there a memo I missed? "What the fuck? Are there video camera in his bedroom that I don't know of?"
He laughs. "I'm just good at reading people."
"You're fucking creepy Irvine."
He's still smiling as he shrugs. "You're avoiding him and you admitted to being gay and you blushed."
"I did not!"
"Did too."
"Fuck you!"
"Nah. I prefer boobs."
"I fucking hate you."
He's laughing and pushing me away. "So… what'd you and boyfriend fight about?"
"He… thinks I only like him because I feel guilty about what happened."
He tips his head slightly like he's thinking about it, and then nods. "Do you?"
"I'm not sure. My dad pretty much convinced me I'm not guilty." Something I thought I'd never say in my life. "But I'm not so sure how I actually feel."
"Then figure it out." Irvine says it bluntly with a duh expression on his face. And I want to hit him.
"I'm trying."
"And apparently sucking at it."
And I want to hit him again. "Oh yeah? What do you think I should do?"
He shrugs. "Ask the guy out. That's what dating is for… figuring out if you like someone."
Well that makes sense. I guess I really haven't ever dated anyone. I've asked girls out before but only to avoid Shiva and none of them ever made it to a second date. Was always more of a casual, hang out sort of thing. "We were supposed to go out tonight but that was before."
"Then you better go."
"But…"
"He's probably freaked out and all but probably hopeful, right? He'll probably show up so you better go. And when he does… don't jump him. Kid's been through a lot, right? You have too. So go easy on him and take it slow. Just have some fun. See how it goes. Then you'll have your answer."
We're silent a moment and I can't help but smile. Man… I must really be fucked up because everyone around me seems to think I need a Dr. Phil moment. But I guess I'm grateful. Because as fucked up as I seem to be, Sora's just as fucked up as me and we can be fucked up together. "Thanks Irvine."
"Welcome dude. Though I should be thanking you. Giving me a reason to skip class and all. You watch though. Damn teacher will give a pop quiz or some shit."
"You won't… say anything, right?"
"Well duh dude."
"Good. I have to find the perfect way to tell Shiva."
"Oh fuck!" He pushes off the jeep, wide eyed. "Promise me you'll do it while I'm there! I have to fucking see that! Girl's going to be ballistic!"
I laugh. "I know! I warned Sora that a boyfriend will only make her try harder."
"Aw. You said boyfriend. Riku has a boyfriend! Riku has a…" I jump on him and knock him to the ground to shut him up. He only laughs and pushes me off. "I'm going to tell Sora and he's going to get jealous!"
"Shut up before someone hears you!"
"We're skipping class. No one's going to hear."
"I fucking hate you."
"Love you too, sweethear."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Author's Notes: Fuck. Seriously. Just fuck. This chapter completely ran away with itself. Totally not the plan I had when I started writing it. But sometimes that happens, right? But I'm seriously mind fucked after this. No clue where it's going to go or how or when it's going to end. When I wrote the first part like 4 years ago, there was only part one. And at the end, you weren't supposed to find out if Sora died or not. But when I posted it, people kept asking me what happened next and if he died and what was up with Riku and shit. So the second part was born. And the third part. Then this shit here. So… I can tell you there is going to be at least one more real chapter. And the poem chapters in between of course. But as to if there will be more after that… I don't fucking know. No clue what's going to happen. For all I know… everyone will end up dead.
Stupid story running away with itself. COME BACK HERE!
