Author's Note: It's been a long time. Months, actually. My apologies go out to those who waited for this update. Truthfully, I didn't think I would ever complete this, but today I went back and read it and thought I should. So, I will update soon and this is not yet finished. No where near finished, actually. Again, I'm sorry for taking so long. Please review and tell me what you liked or disliked. Thank you :D
Oh, and could someone please tell me what the difference between Lily L. Potter and the Lily E. Potter is? Thanks :D
All I could see was that reddish-orange of closed eyelids in the morning. I felt oddly rested and calm, which was new and welcome. It was a moment before I realised I was alone in my bedchamber and another moment before I realised that James should be with me. A thread of panic wove its' way through my veins and around my insides. Where the hell was he?
My eyes opened and I sat up just fast enough to make my head spin. I looked about the room searching for him. I strained to hear any noise that would tell me where he was. I couldn't hear the shower or any footsteps throughout the dormitory and I was getting increasingly nervous. With a wave of frightened nausea, I slid off the bed and walked out of my room. It was then that I heard the muffled voices.
I leaned over the balcony, peering below into the Common Room, attempting to match faces to the muted baritones. There was a fire blazing and it was a minute before I spotted the top of a mop of messy black hair and a head shrouded in silky brunette locks. Relief washed through me as I recognised James. It took an extra few seconds before I knew that the other head was that of Sirius Black.
The two friends continued to speak in hushed tones and it was obvious that Sirius was angered. I couldn't tell what about, but I had a vague idea that sent dread spinning through my mind.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Prongs?" Sirius' voice rose as he grew more heated and I knew for certain that the subject of their conversation was me.
"Quiet down, Padfoot! Lily's asleep." It seemed that James was becoming just as aggravated as Sirius was, though he was trying to control it.
"Oh! Well, we wouldn't want to wake the fucking princess!" Sirius glared daggers at James, spitting out his words in disgust. "Four months ago she wouldn't have given you the time of day and now you blow off everything, everyone, for her? What, one fucking summer away and now everything is different?"
"Yes, everything is different now, Sirius. Things have changed, but not between us." James was trying to stay calm, trying to fix things, I could hear it in his voice, but it seemed to become exceedingly difficult. "We're still friends."
My heart started to race. I didn't want to ruin things for James. I didn't want to screw up his life. I didn't want to need his help. But it seemed that somehow, I had.
"You've been going on about her for years, Prongs, and she's never cared an ounce for you. She comes back all fucked up and needy and suddenly she wants you? Doubtful, Prongs."
"Just leave, Sirius. You don't understand."
"You're right, I don't understand. Explain it to me."
"Just go." I could hear defeat and sadness colouring his tone and I wanted to help.
"Whatever, James," he spoke James' given name with utter contempt. "All I know is, you better be there tomorrow night, no matter what she says."
"Of course I'll be there. I'm always there."
Sirius glared at him for a second more and spun on his heel, leaving James in oppressed silence.
I saw James run a hand over his face, rubbing away the argument, trying to erase its' burning cruelty from his memory.
Pity and regret surged through me. I didn't want to hurt him.
I slunk to the floor, using the stone of the balcony rail for support. I rested my head on my knees and I felt like screaming. I was destroying his friendships and his life while he was so desperately trying to piece together mine. It wasn't fair to him.
I heard him tread quietly up the stairs. His steps were cautious and calculating. I think it was to keep me from waking.
He wasn't paying attention and he walked straight pass me and into my room.
"Lily?" he called softly when he saw I wasn't asleep in my bed. I heard him check the bathroom and call out for me again, slightly louder and a bit more panicked. "Lily?"
"I'm here, James."
"Oh, good." He stood before me, staring down. I could almost hear his thoughts pondering what new mental torture I had been inflicting upon myself to make me huddle on the floor outside my chamber. "Are you all right?"
I ignored his question outright, slowly standing and merely looking back at him. I decided then to see how far I could go in relation to being close to him. His arms wrapped around my waist and I reciprocated, wrapping my own around his neck. After a minute, I let go. It had felt nice, but I didn't want to push it.
"I'm going to take a shower," I murmured, leaving him in the hall, slightly dumbstruck.
The scalding water eased the tension in my rigid muscles slightly and warmed my numb fingers and toes with ease. It felt good to scrub the shampoo into my scalp and even better to feel the silkiness of the conditioner as it rinsed out of my hair. I hadn't used conditioner in months and the extra body it gave my hair was surprising.
It was a while before I finally made my way to the Common Room. James was folded comfortably on the couch reading serenely. As he heard me descend the stairs, he looked up and smiled with a warmth that I envied.
"Good morning. You look nice today," he complimented.
"Thank you," I replied faintly. "What class do we have first today?" I was exceedingly lucky that he did in fact share every class with me. I suppose there was time in which I would have thought otherwise. It was ironic how completely everything had changed.
"We have double History of Magic then break."
Double History of Magic. I almost groaned. That was sure to be an exciting two hours.
"Ok then," I nodded.
He gently grasped my elbow, leading me out of the dormitory and towards Professor Binn's classroom. We didn't speak. I was contemplating possibly one of the worst decisions I would ever make.
Outside the classroom door, I stopped him. I had come to a conclusion.
"Go sit with your friends today," I said and the conviction in my voice left something to be desired.
"What?" The confusion on his face was clear.
"Go sit with your friends today," I reiterated. "I don't want to fuck up your life any more than I have to. Now go."
"You're not fucking up my life, Lily." He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Is this about what Sirius said? Did you hear him?"
"No...I mean, yes, but it's not why. Just go sit with them. Mend fences, build bridges. I'll be ok on my own." I was being stubborn, something new and he was surprised. Lately I concede so easily.
"Alright, I'll see you right after class, ok?" he acquiesced. He didn't want to fight with me, I could see it in his eyes. That was the only reason he gave in and, oddly, I found it sweet.
"That's fine," I nodded, making my way into the classroom and toward our usual seat in the back, only this time, I would be occupying it alone.
The class was torturous. Not only was it boring, but I had no one to share it with. Every now and then James would turn around, checking to make sure I was all right.
When the bell rang, I saw Katarina gather her things and attempt to make her way to me. I panicked and hurried out of the room and down the corridor.
"Lily!"
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"Lily!"
I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for this at all.
"Lily!" Katarina bellowed, thundering down the hallway.
I stopped. What else was I supposed to do? She knew that I had heard her. She knew I wasn't deaf. However oblivious and flighty Katarina may be, she is now stupid.
I was still facing the opposite direction when she reached me. My back was towards her and I knew that this made her angry, but I didn't think I could face her. She grabbed my arm, attempting to twirl me around. I twisted out of her grasp, shaken and tense. I hadn't had any physical contact with anyone but James in months.
"What?" I was irritated, yes, but my voice remained soft.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Her nostrils flared. Her eyes were gleaming. She was very, very, angry and it frightened me. Even more than that, I was terrified of myself, what I was becoming. What kind of person is scared of her best friend, scared of speaking with her?
I felt for a moment a sense of déjà vu. Sirius had shouted the same irate words at James just a couple hours earlier.
"Nothing is wrong with me." It's funny how convincing you can make a lie sound when you say it enough, and even more disturbing.
"Nothing is wrong with you?" She was getting sarcastic, a trait she usually acquired when she was beyond furious. "You haven't spoken to me, to any of us, in months. The only letters we got from you all holiday said "Everything's fine. Hope things are well. Lily." Then you come back and you're all buddy buddy with Potter. What the fuck, Lily."
"Nothing is wrong with me," I repeated.
"Like hell nothing is wrong with you."
Why did I tell James to leave? This wouldn't be happening if I had made him stay. It wouldn't be happening and I would resemble ok.
"I'm fine, Katarina." I closed my eyes. "I just need to...work through some things."
"Talk to me, Lily," she murmured, her fire dwindling. "Tell me what's been going on. We've been best friends for years."
"I..." I closed my eyes again. I couldn't handle this. Tears began to gather at the corners of my eyes. I wasn't ready for this.
"Lily? Lily!" I heard James call out loudly, but gently. He was close, nearing us.
I didn't speak until I felt his hand on the small of my back easing comfort through my being.
"I...I have to go." I didn't look at her as I spoke the words, but I knew I had hurt her and the guilt I felt was suffocating.
I grasped James' hand for support as we made our way away from my friend.
"Are you ok?" James whispered. Tears flowed down my face relentlessly and he stopped us, turning me to him and wiping them away with the pad of his thumb. "It will be ok. I promise. She'll forgive you." He placed a gossamer kiss on my forehead. "It will be ok."
"Thank you, James."
"Come on, let's go outside. It's a beautiful day and I know a place." He slung his arm around my waist and led me out of the castle.
