3 weeks later

"You look like you got the weight of the world on your shoulders kid. What's up?"

"Nothing special." JD avoided making eye contact with Chris. That alone was a clear sign of trouble. JD never shied away from anyone without a reason, and usually a pretty good one. Chris said nothing, counting on the younger man's conscience to do the work for him.

"Really Chris, it's probably nothing."

The silent treatment continued.

"It's just – well – Vin doesn't usually lose his temper. You or Buck, sure, and sometimes the others, but…" he faded off.

"JD – tell me what happened."

"I went by to see Ezra last night, and bring Vin some dinner. You know how he gets when he's there – half the time he completely forgets to eat. Anyway, I heard glass breaking as I came down the hall. By the time I got to the room, Vin was cleaning it up."

"So he dropped a glass. Not exactly a crime."

"The broken glass wasn't by his chair. Was against the far wall. Not just broken, shattered, and the wall was wet. Vin looked real upset when I asked if he was OK. Didn't really answer me either. Asked if I was staying, and when I said yes, he walked out. Came back about an hour later and just thanked me. Not really sure why."

Chris perched on the edge of JD's desk and sighed.

"Chris?"

"He's getting tired. It's all getting to him. Knew it would happen sooner or later. Actually, kinda surprised it took this long."

"I told him I'd stay and he could go home. He said he couldn't do that."

"It's OK – I'll talk to him. He won't listen, but I can try. You did the right thing telling me."

"Feels wrong."

"Helping a friend is never wrong."

Chris heard Vin laughing as he neared the room. In his mind he could almost hear Ezra joining in, but sadly realized that sound was slipping from his memory. When he was closer, he recognized the story Vin was telling; one of Buck's failed efforts to get Inez from their favorite bar, to go out with him. Recalling the scene, including the glass of beer that ended up in Buck's lap, Chris was chuckling himself as he entered the room.

"Wasn't expecting you in tonight Chris. Anything wrong?"

"Not really. Well, actually yeah – but not the way you mean."

"Well, that clears things up."

"We need to talk."

Vin went still. "No – we don't." Chris said nothing. "Chris, really – I'm fine."

"The fact you went to defending yourself so fast tells me you are far from fine Vin."

"Look – JD misread the situation."

"JD is pretty sharp. I don't think he misread anything. Come on – let's take a walk. Ezra won't mind for a few minutes."

Knowing it was pointless to argue Vin fell into step behind. The two men relocated to the solarium down the hall. It was almost empty, and they moved to a secluded corner. Chris forced himself to be patient enough to allow Vin the time to come to his own realizations. It didn't take him too long to remember he was not by nature a patient man.

"Thought we agreed we are all in this together Vin. No one person is supposed to be carrying it alone."

"That ain't the problem."

"So what is?"

"Me."

"OK – gonna need a bit more than that."

"I just – it's just sometimes. Ah hell."

Chris once again forced patience on himself.

"I get so damn mad Chris."

"Is that all? Damn Vin, we're all mad. Mad at the situation, at the bastard's who did this, at the cops who came in sirens blaring, at the people in the store. Mad at each other a lot more than we should be too."

Vin looked surprised by that. "Why at each other. Didn't that all get talked out?"

"Talking and doing are two different beasts. People don't heal overnight, and there were some bad feeling buried between us. JD's mad at Buck for drinking. Buck's still mad at Josiah for leaving. Josiah's mad at Nathan for siding with the doctor's about Ezra's prognosis. They're all mad at me for trying to keep them at work. I'm mad at Judge Travis for not giving us work, and for trying to force a new undercover agent on us."

"What? When did that happen?"

"About a week ago he came to me saying there was a good man available, and he wanted to fill the void on the team."

"There's no void. Not while Ezra's still alive. That ain't right."

"Exactly what I told him. Took some doing, but he agreed to hold off, for now. But time will come."

"Yeah – I guess I knew that. But still hate it. Makes this all that much more real."

"That what's making you mad?"

"We can't fight with each other Chris. Everybody being mad is gonna break us apart. We're just starting to get it together."

"Thing is Vin, no one is really mad. Not at each other anyway. Frustrated maybe; tired, discouraged. Ezra'd be able to come up with the right word. We're really all just venting – same as you."

"No, not the same. Mine's worse." Chris arched an eyebrow in question. "It's him. I get so damn mad at him."

"At Ezra?"

"I'm mad ht him for picking me to do this – and yes, I know I agreed to it, and in fact put him in the exact same position. And I'm mad at him for not fighting; for just lying there. Mostly, I'm mad at him for getting hurt in the first place. Why the hell did he have to stop for more booze? We had enough, but no – he has to have the fancy stuff. Why'd he have to be there? Why'd he have to try to take down two heavily armed punks? Why'd he have to step into the line of fire?"

"You don't really need me to answer those last couple of questions, do you?"

Vin was fighting to calm himself, and quickly swiped away tears that were brushing his eyelashes.

"No, I don't. He did it because he's Ezra. But just this once, did he have to be SO damned Ezra? Why couldn't he have been the self-centred, spoiled, aloof loner version he always claims to be? Why'd he have to pick that moment to show his true colours?"

"Cause otherwise he wouldn't be Ezra, and we wouldn't be sitting here having this discussion."

"What kind of a man does it make me that I just want to shake some sense into him? Sit him up and yell at him to open his damn eyes?"

"Makes you his friend. His scared, tired, heartbroken friend. If it helps, I was mad at him too. He promised he'd stick around, and this all felt somehow like he was breaking his word. Doesn't matter that it makes no sense, it's how I felt. How I feel."

Vin actually smiled slightly. "Yeah, but Chris – you being mad at Ezra for something is just a natural state of affairs."

"He does have a talent for pushing my buttons." Chris agreed, hinting at a bit of a grin himself. And if it makes you feel better, Buck has ranted about the stupidity of stopping for booze a few times too. JD's mad at him for something in the letter that Ezra wants him to do. Won't tell us what."

"So I'm not the only one – everyone's mad at him."

"Yes – and no. It's the situation, the circumstances. We're mad we can't fix it, and Ezra is just the easiest target in all of it." He paused, looking away out the window for a moment. "You know what would make this so much easier?"

Vin shook his head.

"If we didn't care so damned much. If Ezra hadn't turned out to be such an important part of our off-beat family."

"Something else we can be mad at him for. Maybe we should go back to the room and let him know how pissed off we all are." Vin smiled fleetingly as he said it. "You know Chris, none of this changes the fact I'm still mad at him."

"No – you aren't."

Vin sighed. "No – guess I'm not."

3 weeks later

"I did it Ezra – just like you asked. I guess it shouldn't have taken so long, but I just – well I guess I was scared. But when Casey started getting excited about being a bridesmaid for Raine I took that as a good sign. And since Valentine's Day was yesterday it seemed like a good idea. I guess I figured if you had the confidence in me to suggest it, then it had to work. You never make a bet you can't win. And you were right. She said yes. I'm getting married.

Wow – I'm getting married. Guess that means the guys can't call me Kid anymore. Nah – Buck'll never stop calling me Kid. We'll be retired and in rocking chairs and he'll still call me Kid. Hell, we'll be in some nursing ho – well, never mind. You get the idea. You didn't do that – call me Kid. At least not usually. You didn't treat me that way either. Always meant to thank you for that. I think seeing you treat me that way helped the rest of them see what they were doing. 'Cept Buck. Guess he just likes having a little brother to pick on. Can't say I mind having 6 older brothers for that matter. Kind of makes me feel – I don't know – protected. Not that I need looking after or anything. But it's good to know I've got folks watching out for me. Sounds kind of contradictory, but I think you get what I mean.

Anyway – Casey got real excited when I asked. Started talking about plans already. I think she's been thinking about this for a while. We haven't got a date yet but it won't be until after Nathan and Raine. Wouldn't be right to steal their thunder.

Haven't told anybody else yet. Wanted you to know first. Buck is gonna be mad about having to live alone again. Likes having someone to blame the mess on. Still, he's got time to get used to it. I won't be moving out until we're married. I know, kind of old-fashioned, but Casey wants it that way. Actually, her aunt Nettie wants it that way, and that is one lady I do not want to have angry with me.

Well, I should get going. You know what Chris gets like when we're late for work. Actually, you know that better than any of us. I'm gonna tell them all when I get to work. Can't wait to see their faces. Bucks gonna have kittens! I'll come back tonight and tell you all about it. You have a good day Ezra. And thanks for the advice."

Two weeks later

Chris walked back to his office. The others would be arriving soon. At least those who were coming in today. Nathan was off, and had been for a few days, felled by a particularly nasty flu bug. He hated like hell being laid up, but was determined to get over this as quickly as possible. Time was running down, and he needed to be healthy for the team.

Vin wouldn't be in either. He'd let them know that for the next two weeks, he could be found at home, or with Ezra. Chris wasn't happy about that, worried what the added stress would do him, but he knew there was no changing his mind.

The door opened bringing the remaining three members in together. JD's enthusiastic grin seemed forced. Josiah headed straight to the coffee maker, grateful to see the pot was full, and even more grateful Vin hadn't made it.

"We won't be taking on anything new for the next couple of weeks. Didn't have to explain anything to the Judge. And he's cleared us for the two weeks after that as well. Anybody who wants to spend time at the ranch, either before or after is welcome to do so."

JD gave up the pretense and joined the other downhearted men. "Can't believe it's been six months already."

"Don't let Vin hear you say that. Not six months yet. There's still two weeks, and he's counting every second of them."

"I know Josiah, but still. It just doesn't seem real. Guess I kept hoping something was gonna happen. I knew it wouldn't. Couldn't. But still…" He looked at the others. "You never believed it, did you Chris?"

"I wanted to JD. God, I wanted to. I just have never been to good at fooling myself. And nobody has ever accused me of being an eternal optimist. That's more your style."

"Make it easier? I mean, you've been ready for this for 6 months – does that make this easier?"

"Nothing makes it easy Kid."

"Not a damn thing." Buck agreed. "Chris, were you able to track down Maude?" The growled 'yes' he got as a response pretty much told him all he needed to know. "So she won't be joining us."

Chris took a calming breath, which didn't work. "Said Ezra'd been dead to here for some time, even before this happened, and she wasn't going to pretend otherwise. I swear Buck, if I ever run into the woman again…"

"We'll all give you an alibi."

"I don't think I can be there." JD couldn't look at his friends as he made his admission. "I've been thinking about it, and I just don't think I can be there when he…"

"When he dies JD. It's ok to say it. And if you can't be there, that's OK too. Ezra knows how you feel about him. How we all do. You have to do what is right for you. I don't want to see it either, but I know it's where I need to be. But that's me." Chris put a hand on the young man's shoulder.

Josiah sat next to him. "I think it would help if you could be at the home if you can, but nobody's gonna force you into the room. And don't worry about Vin – he'll understand."

"Buck – you ok with me wimping out?"

A quick flash of irritation crossed the older man's face. "You're not wimping out JD. Next to Vin you've been with him more than any of us. Being brave isn't always about the obvious choice. I never have had, and never will have a problem with you being true to what you believe. You do whatever you need to get through this. We all will."

Chris nodded. "Like Josiah said, don't worry about Vin. He'll be too furious with me to have time to be bothered by what any of you do." They looked at him confused. "You can't be there at the end JD. I can't be there now. I can't sit with him watching the timer in my mind count down. Just about killed me going in there yesterday. Went home and polished off half a bottle of bourbon. Fought with myself about opening a new one. That's not doing anyone any good."

"Want me to talk to Vin for you? He might understand it better from me."

"Thanks Josiah, but nothing will make him understand. Not right now. He's too wired, to stressed about what he's about to have to do. I think at some level he never accepted it would come to this. I talked to him yesterday, before sitting with Ezra. We both got a little short with each other. It seemed to do him some good to vent a bit."

"Chris, it won't help to turn yourself into his punching bag on this. He'll hate you now, and himself later if you make yourself his target. I know – I went through it with you a few years back." Buck had taken on most of Chris's wrath after losing his wife and son, and it took some time for the two of them to work themselves back to where they'd started.

"We ended up better friends for all the effort though, didn't we?"

"Yeah – but it was a miracle we didn't kill each other first. And you and Vin don't have the history the two of us did."

Josiah stepped up. "I'm gonna talk to him one way or the other Chris. Not just for your sake, but for his. Like Buck said, in the long run, he's gonna need all of us, you included, and if he thinks he treated you bad now, he won't turn to you later. We don't need to be making this more difficult than it is. And to state the obvious, Ezra wouldn't want us falling apart again. We've made it this far – we can make it through the rest together."

JD smiled sadly. "The seven of us can get through anything together. Yes – seven. Ezra's always gonna be one of us. This doesn't change that."

Buck put his hand on the young agent's shoulder. "Gonna count on you reminding us of that when we need it Kid."

"Buck?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't call me Kid."

"OK. Kid."

TBC

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