Title: Extra, Extra!
Author: Eeevee
Genre/Rating: general/K
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Baccano! All characters are property of their respective creators.
Notes: Self-mocking and intended to be utterly silly. Practice writing press releases.
Nicholas pulled a face and stared down at the massive stack of papers. The sheets were up so high that the stack was tilting. He sighed and reflected that having his nose dragged over iron rails should've been punishment enough; his boss didn't need to rub it in even more.
The Daily Days' main source of income was brokering information, but of course, if that was the front they put out to the public the coppers would be in sniffing around for illegal material. Like, say, the tommyguns the staff had stashed under desk, the booze bribes in the backroom, or that fact that the Days sometimes withheld information that should be given over to the badges.
So, like the many mafia families in the area, the Daily Days had a front operation, which just happened to be a legitimate paper. Readers paid a nominal fee and the circulation was enough to pay for the ink and paper, if nothing else.
This just happened to be the week that the editor of the legal part of the operation was on vacation visiting his family in New Jersey. Judging by the massive stack of papers, he had been on an unofficial vacation for the last few months.
Which just irked Nicholas more. Trust the legit side to be the lazy ones.
He picked up the top sheet gingerly like it was a carrier of the plague and set it down in front of him.
Tic's Hairriffic Cuts—
Saving food in your beard for later? Waking up with birds literally nesting in your hair? Need a bit shaved off the top? Come to Tic's for a tidy and stylish hair cut. All customers welcome except for enemies of the Gandor Family—you know who you are. Actually, go ahead, come enjoy a hair cut, but we make no guarantees you keep your head…
"What? This isn't a press release," Nicholas grumbled, tossing the paper in the wastebasket. He scratched his head, "But maybe I do need a hair cut. These split ends are terrible."
Lost—
Lost brother. He is about 6'4", brown hair and eyes, answers to "Dallas." If found, please return to the Geonard mansion immediately. He is not neutered and may get into fights but is generally very tractable if you bribe him with peppermint candies. He is dearly missed and needs medication and God. REWARD.
Nicholas grinned, "Who says rich folk don't have a sense of humor?" He tossed that paper too.
Press Release— Firecrackers are Dangerous
There is no grander day than the founding freedom of this country. However, this is a dangerous time for the citizens of New York. Recently a new, powerful firework has made its way to the street.
The sellers of this explosive is rumored to be a young man with a sword tattoo and a young woman with scars and an eye patch. The firework is set off from a long fuse and is shaped like cherry bombs. Once detonated, it explodes in a shower of colored sparks. There is a secondary explosion that creates a loud clap.
These fireworks are very easy to use if lit with a blowtorch, but experts warn to keep fingers out of the way and only throw them at your nasty neighbor's car as they will scratch paint and crack windows.
Several people have already been sent to the hospital for throwing the bombs straight up and the property destruction in school toilets has been exorbitant. Citizens are warned to use these explosives in conjunction with other fireworks and guns; that way the police will assume that the noise is mere celebration not a raid.
"This one has potential… too bad it was dated three months ago," Nicholas sighed, realizing that just finding a few press releases and throwing them on a page was going to be harder than he thought. "This article might have given us more information to use if it was printed. Using firecrackers as a diversion is genius!"
Press Release—Man Uses Wrench to Save Kitten
The New York City fire brigade is underfunded and overworked. These fine men do a fine job of keeping the city safe. However, when it comes to getting little kittens out of trees for old ladies, well, there just is not enough manpower.
That is where a bright young man named Graham Specter came in. A local mechanic, he was on his way to work when he spotted a small kitten meowing on a balcony. It was obvious the kitten was stuck, so he swung his wretch, bringing down the balcony.
"I was just trying to shut it up," Mister Specter said, "It was interrupting my convolution and rambling monologue that tends to lose and confuse everyone after the twelfth run-on sentence and warped philosophic view of life in general—catch—but I no one wants to stop my speeches because if they interrupt my euphoric moment I have a bad inclination of violently and accurately throwing my wretch… and I did, at the cat that is, and it sure shut him up. But I missed the potted plants because the flowers are a pretty red, and that stands out nicely against white, just like blood."
Muffin, the little kitten, was so grateful to be saved that he promptly hissed and fainted dead away. Muffin has recovered from his ordeal and Mister Specter says he would do it again if he could. That is what true heroes are like.
"Nothing like a human interest story with a cute kitten," Nicholas said and placed the paper in the 'keep' pile. Feature stories were always good to fill blank spaces between the ads.
Press Release—Gangs Acknowledge National Peace Day
Imagine the children of the world holding hands singing It's a Small World in perfect harmony. There's a child from Germany, a child from Italy, a child from England. All these children are getting along without nary a bicker. In fact, Italy is asking for pasta.
Now imagine the gangs on the streets doing the same. While it might be easier to imagine the former, the latter has happened. All the gangs in the area had a day of cease fire inspired by unknown individuals dressed Mohandas Gandhi and Mother Teresa. These two influential figures confused the gangs so much that instead of fighting there was an anonymous retreat and deserted streets.
The ceasefire lasted until the two individuals were almost removed by the police for stalking and inappropriate and deadly use of pepper. They remain at large and normal activity had returned to the area. But for a day the streets were as safe as when the wild animals and savages roamed the woods of the Roanoke colony. But that sort of peace will never last in the modern world we live in.
Nicholas shook his head, "Poor bastards. No one wants to read about the war or gangs. It's just too cliché and overdone." That one bounced off the rim and rolled under the desk.
The next piece of paper perplexed him greatly. The sheet was blank except for the middle, which had very elegant cursive that said,
Smile :)
"What the?" That last one was a little bit too much for him. "No wonder the poor sob went on vacation." Nicholas yawned and stretched, realizing he had been reading for over three hours and the stack had only dropped an inch and a half. He shoved himself out from under the desk promising to come back to the stack later.
After all, it wasn't going anywhere.
Edit: Fixed for strange format issues :) hopefully easier to read now
