Esha Napoleon: Thank you! cathy: It was. And unfortunately, this isn't as sad as its going to get later on. Ilse'sPurpleSummer: It's definitely not the easiest of situations for them to be in. Compared to how they were before this is a pretty serious funk and it's taking its toll on the both of them. jadeMK11: It should but she hates herself (always has) so she's a horrible critic on herself.

"We never hang out, we never talk…I feel like a circus monkey all I do is perform and go back to cooking and following you guys around…I am not allowed to have a career so I do not play piano or sing anymore…I don't paint…I don't ride Cotton or Spade…I feel like I'm being patronized all the time just because Connor does not like me…"

James furiously rubbed at his eyes with one hand as he used the other to keep a hold of the pan that he was attempting to cook breakfast in. He had heard all of it. Every fucking little thing Mindy and Amber had said was just fucking in his head and he could not get it out. Three in the fucking morning and he had heard them plain as day. There was no escaping it. It just kept haunting him and he had spent the night in his office, not sleeping a wink. He had been hiding like a complete coward because he hadn't known what else to do. Obviously he had already made things bad enough; who the fuck knew would happen if he fucked up again, like he always fucking seemed to?

"-like James is catering to me by moving, he is conveniencing me and that is not the case…I only wanted him to have what he wanted and as always he wants both…or at least he thinks he does. I don't wanna move to another spot in…Vegas…I wanna go HOME. I want to see the ocean…walk on the sand…I do not know what I want anymore…I used to look to him to make it better but now I see nothing…and then he touches me and I love him again…only now I forget why I do. If I do…I don't know…I'm scared."

Smoke erupted in front of him and he coughed violently as he inhaled a giant lungful of it. He moved the pan off the stove and set it in the sink, running water over it until the smoke was suffocated. He was trying so hard to just focus on this meaningless task and not think about how he was dying on the inside but it was failing. It was all just fucking failing. Another failure in the spectacular life of James Paul Lawson.

He stared blankly at the sink for the longest time, trying to choke down the eruption building inside of him but just really managing to hyperventilate in the process. Finally he forced his feet to move and he stumbled into the bathroom, barely able to get the door closed and locked behind him before he lost it. He put his hand over his mouth and bit down on it so any kind of sob that came out of him was muffled. Not that it would matter if anyone overheard him anyway. Who was going to come in here to comfort him? He failed as a husband, he failed as a father…he felt like he tried so hard but he always managed to just fucking fail. What the hell had he been thinking? How could he have thought he was good for anyone, much less someone like his Baby Doll and her children? Mindy thought she failed them by not giving them a father…but it was him that had failed. He had failed and now he couldn't hate himself more if he tried.

He tore his hand away from his mouth as he began to bang the back of his head against the door as hard as he possibly could. He had actually torn a nice big chunk of skin off his hand in the process of doing that but he didn't care. He just kept banging his head harder and harder until the pain became tremendous and then he did it some more just for good measure. Once he was done he went over to the mirror, hating his own reflection but unable to tear his eyes away from it.

I don't know who you were trying to fool. Oh fuck. It was Caroline's fucking voice again. She always just knew when to pop up in his brain and make him feel even worse. Did you ever really think you were going to get the big happy family ending you were searching for? You're an idiot. All you do is screw up and make people miserable. You made me hate your existence, Annabelle always felt guilty about the relationship YOU were more pushy to have, you never were enough for Mark, you fucked up Cooper and Connor and now you've fucked up the lives of your precious "Baby Doll" and her little fucking brats. You're poison James. You're a giant idiot that poisons the lives of everyone that comes near you. You should have just done the world a favor and died in my womb.

"Shut up," he begged, putting his hands over his ears to try to block her out. It did absolutely no good of course. Her voice was in his head he couldn't block her out no matter how hard he tried. "Shut up shut up shut up!"

Or maybe you should have just let me kill you with that wire hanger. That would have saved a lot of people a lot of time and trouble. So many things would have been better-"

"Shut up!" James balled up his fist and punched the mirror, letting out a scream when he felt the glass break underneath his hand. It was cutting him up, making him bleed and embedding itself into his hand but he didn't care. He just kept hitting the glass over and over again, still screaming and completely unaware that he was attracting an audience right outside the door.

"What is he doing in there?" Thorn asked as she, Oxa, Scarlett and Tryg all listened in to the breakdown James was having in the bathroom. "Do you think he's slicing himself up like Mommy does?"

Scarlett shook her head. "If he is I hope he don't get his face. That's what makes his money right there."

Tryg frowned. "I thought he got money from that thing he owns and don't like?"

Scarlett rolled her eyes. I KNOW that Tryggy. I-" She jumped when she heard a loud crash come from inside the bathroom. "Uh oh…."

"What's going on?" Taylor asked, coming up to them with Elizabeth in her arms and Chelsea by her side. "What are you guys doing?"

"Daddy might need Mommy's medicine," Thorn said wisely, cringing when they heard some kind of horribly loud pounding up against the walls. "He's going crazy in there."

"Yeah," Tryg agreed. "He was yelling at someone just a few seconds ago but nobody else is in there but him." He looked at his twin sisters for confirmation. "Right?"

Thorn and Scarlett both nodded. Nobody was in there with him as far as they knew.

"Oh boy.." Taylor didn't even know how to react. She just stared at the door wide eyed, unsure about what to do or say next. She didn't feel comfortable around Mr. Lawson when he was in a good mood and she sure as hell wasn't going to feel comfortable around him now that he was obviously going nuts in a room just a few feet away from her.

Chelsea's eyes widened when she heard James say something muffled to himself. "Daddy!" She trotted right up to the door, expecting James to come right out at that second. When he didn't do that, she frowned and reached up for the doorknob. "Daddy!" She tried to twist it and found it locked, which did not go over well with her at all. "Daddy!"

"Oh Chelsea no," Taylor said as the three year old kicked the door. "Now is not a good time-"

"Daddy!" Chelsea yelled again. She shook her head as Taylor tried to pull her away. "NO! Daddy!"

"Should we get Mommy?" Thorn asked as she watched Chelsea ready herself to throw a full on fit. "Maybe she needs to give him some of his pills."

"Uh…" Taylor looked around nervously and hugged Elizabeth tightly against her chest. The baby was starting to fuss, wanting Daddy to come out of there as well. "Ummm…Cooper! Cooper!" She wasn't sure if Cooper could do anything to help or even if this was a good idea because of the state of his and Mr. Lawson's relationship but she couldn't help herself. Cooper had been the main thing on her mind lately so that was the name that immediately came out of her mouth. "Coop-"

"What?" he groaned loudly as he joined the party outside the bathroom door. He had been up until five in the morning watching the Transformers movies (Connor's choice, not his) and he was nowhere near awake yet. The only reason he had even been awake enough to hear his own name being yelled was because he had had quite a dream about Jeff and had been forced to take care of the problem so maybe he could get some more sleep. Of course that was going straight to hell now and he was finding himself more than a little grumpy.

"Your dad-" Taylor winced as they heard a loud bang come from the bathroom. "-something is going on with him."

"Oh fuck," Cooper groaned as his eyes opened more and he stared at the door. He hadn't heard the entire conversation between Amber and Mindy but he had heard enough to know that it was what was bothering James (he had to assume that's what he overheard…nothing else made sense). "Fuck me fuck me fuck me with a god damn spatula…"

"EWWW!" Scarlett said loudly. "That is NOT what that's for Cooper!"

"Well I KNOW that!" Cooper said as Taylor put her hand over her mouth and snorted. "I didn't mean-"

"DADD!" Chelsea yelled impatiently as she threw herself against the door. "DADDY DADDY DADDY!"

The bathroom door finally opened and James not only scooped Chelsea up into his arms, but he got Thorn, Scarlett and Tryg as well. Taylor was completely startled by his appearance and Cooper could only cringe. His entire body was shaking, his eyes were all red and puffy and it looked like he was going to lose it yet again at any second. Taylor became worried about him holding the kids in that condition but all he did was just repeatedly kiss them and cling to them for dear life.

"Why did you beat up the bathroom Daddy?" Thorn asked as she looked over his shoulder and peered into the room. "And who were you talking to? Are you getting sick like Mommy? Because we can get you medicine for it."

James shook his head and kept up with the shower of kisses. He couldn't even really begin to speak. All he could do was try to convey how much he loved the four children in his arms without any words. Of course, it probably was too late. If he had failed Amber then he must have already failed them too. The thought made him shrivel up inside and he closed his eyes, trying to focus on not thinking about it. Being a dad used to be something he figured he was at least okay at but his confidence in that pretty much had gone straight to the gutter and there was a good chance it wasn't actually going to come back out. He loved these kids so much but fuck how they must hate him. Well Chelsea didn't…then again, she didn't realize how fucked up he was and how much he sucked.

Cooper sighed and looked between James's hastily bandaged hand and the broken glass that was all over the bathroom floor. "Jesus Christ Dad…" He shook his head and looked at James, who couldn't even fully glare at Cooper like he had been since he had come home again. He was too fucked up on hating himself to direct it at Cooper. "Did that make you feel better at all?"

James shook his head.

"You wanna go hunting?" Tryg asked. "You like hunting…"

"Hunting?" Taylor frowned, completely lost at what they were now talking about.

James didn't give any kind of reaction. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to hunt-no, scratch that, he NEEDED to do it. The blood thirsty monster that lived inside of him was screaming to be fed so that maybe the storm that was inside of him could be settled. Killing was his coping mechanism and he needed that right now. He needed it so bad that it was making him tremble even more but he couldn't just go off and do it. Not right now. If he had already screwed up he didn't need to make it worse by going off to hunting and making them feel that that was more important than them. That wasn't the case at all. Hunting was something he had to do but he lived for them. He fucking lived for all of them how could he dare make them feel less important than they were?

"Dad…" Cooper just could not stop cringing at the look on James's face. "You really should-"

"Daddy I want ice cream," Scarlett said, blatantly interrupting Cooper and not giving a shit about it. "Can you get us ice cream before you go?"

James automatically nodded. This is what he wanted. He wanted a chance to appease them and prove that maybe he could do something right. Maybe it was futile at this point but it had to be better than the utter misery and failure feeling he was rocking at this point. "Yeah, of course." He kissed them all again and went over and kissed Elizabeth as well because she was feeling left out. "I love you."

"Even though Connor says you're not our real daddy?" Tryg said, making James cringe at the question.

"Forget what Connor said. I love you and you ARE my babies. All of you…" His voice trailed off and he hugged them even tighter than he already was.

Taylor shook her head and adjusted the fussy Elizabeth in her arms. "What the hell is going on?" she asked Cooper in a hushed voice. "Why is he acting like that? And shouldn't we get Mom and Amber-"

Cooper quickly shook his head. "I'll explain on the way. Just don't mention those two so he hears you…not until he's out of this mood." Just a few months ago he would have been ecstatic at this turn of events. But now even though he still loved her, he was slowly starting to accept the fact that she and him were never going to be. He had ruined things with the rape and James was never going to let her go…plus now Cooper just felt bad for the guy. One conversation had taken the seemingly strong, tough James and had reduced him into a pitiful mess. And despite the bad blood between them, Cooper did still know his dad really really well and he knew that the incident in the bathroom was nothing.

Nobody had seen anything yet.

The entire time they were out getting ice cream James put on the bravest face possible and tried to act like nothing was wrong. He didn't feel like he was doing that great of a job at it and in all actuality he probably wasn't. But he was trying. Once again he was trying and he not only bought the kids the biggest things of ice cream they could eat, but he took them to the toy store afterwards, buying Tryg a little car he could drive around in, Thorn and Scarlett a giant castle playhouse and Chelsea a giant stuffed teddy bear and Elizabeth a toy sword that she immediately started whacking around like there was no tomorrow. On the way home he picked up the hermit crab he had talked the aquarium people into selling him for Amber and once back at the house, he left it where he knew she would find it. As Taylor helped the other kids with all their stuff and Cooper hid out in the car so he could go along with James on his hunt, James thought about going to talk to Mindy. He wanted to see her so bad and hold her close but he ultimately decided to put it off and go hunting first. It wasn't something he wanted to do by any means but it was the only choice he could make considering the fact that he had no idea what to do or say once he did see her. Did he pretend like he hadn't heard what she and Amber had said? Or did he directly address the matter? He didn't know and he couldn't just come up with the answer off the top of his head. He needed to have a clearer mind before he started trying to think about it again and that meant going hunting. Maybe he could get a fucking answer if he did that.

Cooper stayed crouched down on the floor of the car as James drove off, not daring to reveal that he was still there until he absolutely had to. He knew that this was a horribly stupid plan, given that James still hadn't remotely forgiven him for raping Mindy. But letting James go off hunting alone while so obviously upset was a pretty stupid one to go with as well. An upset killer was a sloppy killer-Cooper knew that one for himself, so he figured he would take one for the team and try to keep James from making some really stupid mistake that could end up coming back and biting him in the ass later. It wasn't like he didn't owe him big time…

The car suddenly came to a stop and Cooper grunted as James reached back and smacked his leg. "What the hell are you doing back there?" he asked grumpily. "Why aren't you home watching Connor?"

"Connor was up until five in the morning," Cooper replied, getting himself up into the backseat and buckling up. He wasn't about to sit up front with James. That was too risky for his taste. "He won't wake up for another few hours. Besides, he's not the only one that could use a babysitter right now."

James gave Cooper an extremely irritated look. He had been looking to be alone right now and this was going completely against what he had been going for. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You need someone-"

"Not you," James said nastily. "I don't need you."

Cooper shook his head, ignoring the little sting he got from those words. "Who else do you got?" He didn't ask that question in a nasty way. That would have just landed him in more hot water and that was not where he needed to be. "I know a lot of what Mom said so I know why you're upset. Amber wouldn't help you if you were on fire so forget about this instance. The other kids are too young, Connor wouldn't care and even if he did he's no help with this shit. Taylor is too terrified of you to even make eye contact, Julie's gone…yeah, I'm what you've got."

James tightened his grip on the steering wheel and stepped on the gas pedal angrily. Cooper did have a point but he wasn't going to admit it. They sat there in an awkward silence, James driving them to a nastier part of the city while Cooper sat in the back, playing with his hands and trying to figure out if he should keep his silence or say something. James sure as hell wasn't planning on saying anything…or so he thought…

"Was I a bad dad?" James hadn't intended on that coming out. He hadn't intended on talking to Cooper at all. He had been planning on giving him the cold shoulder and even contemplated finishing him off just for the hell of it when his insecurities got the best of him and he started talking without meaning to. "I mean, before I tried to kill you…was I a bad dad?"

"What?" Cooper was thrown off by that question. "No, you were a good dad. I mean you infuriated me with all that Mark bullshit but you were still a good dad."

That didn't exactly reassure James. "Did I…did I treat Connor differently and make you feel bad? Like I didn't love you the same?"

Cooper sighed and shook his head. He could have been mean and said yes but he decided to try to make amends and be the bigger man by being honest. "No Dad, you didn't. Any different treatment Connor got instead of me was because of the way he is, not because you loved us any different." He leaned forward a bit to try to get closer to James. "Dad…I know you're hurting-"

"No. You don't know shit about how I feel," James declared vehemently. "You fucking don't. You think you loved her? It's fucking nothing compared to the way I feel. And hearing that…hearing that…" It took him a few minutes to compose himself. "She should have just taken a knife and stabbed me in the chest. I would have felt a lot better if she had."

Cooper winced. "Dad-"

"Like what the hell am I supposed to do now?" James pulled the car over into a parking lot of a closed grocery store and killed the engine. He couldn't drive anymore. He was too upset to pay attention to the road. "Can someone fucking tell me that? I don't even know where to start. Do I pretend to not have heard and get a new house here and act like nothing is wrong? If I do that she's not going to be happy…she wants to go to California." He laughed bitterly. "But if I say "hey, we're going to California to live" you know what she's going to think? That I'm convienencing her again. It'll have nothing to do with me wanting her to actually be happy. I'll just be catering to her and not having what I want." He shook his head and hit the steering wheel in frustration. "And if we got to California, what's going to happen with Connor? Do I get him a house out there too so you and he can live there? Do I leave him here to live with you? I can't just fucking abandon him. He's my son…I'm a bad enough father as is, I can't-"

"Dad stop," Cooper pleaded. "You're not-"

"I love her so fucking much." James wasn't listening to Cooper at all. He was just going on and on, unable to stop now. "I need her every single moment of the day…I can't live without her. She won't ever believe me when I tell her that. She just throws Belle and Mark back in my face and says I'll find someone new within a week…" His voice trailed off and he rested his forehead against the steering wheel, his breathing ragged and some tears escaping his eyes. "I HATE it when she says that…it fucking hurts…" He sighed and sniffled loudly. "I can't lose her. I won't divorce her…the moment she would be gone that would be it. I would be done."

Cooper did not like the implications of that statement at all but he didn't get a chance to say anything about it. James was out of the car and taking off before he could do so. "Shit!" He got out of the car and began chasing after his dad, who was not stopping for anything. "Dad! DAD!"

James either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him. He just kept running, disappearing into one of the many alleys and making Cooper curse under his breath as he started trying to find him. This was so beyond not good that it wasn't funny. "DAD!" He kept moving, at first coming up empty handed and just cringing at the thought of what James could be doing. Then he heard some commotion and James's voice shouting something about a fag…that definitely wasn't good.

"What is he doing?" Cooper asked himself, just shaking his head in worry as he followed the noise. "What did he-oh no…" He stumbled upon the scene to find James surrounded by a four large biker dudes and he was letting them literally beat the ever holy fuck out of him. Cooper was guessing that James had thrown some homophobic slurs to pick the fight…the question was why was he letting them win? This was a hunt…well, it was SUPPOSED to be anyway. Obviously shit was just getting way WAY out of control.

"Oh fuck," he said when one of the bikers grabbed a tire iron and started nailing James right in the ribs with them. "Get OFF of him!" He jumped into the fray, grabbing the guy that was holding James and thrashing him to the ground. One of the other bikers nailed him right in the eye, sending him stumbling back against the wall of the nearest building. The guy then punched him in the ribs and then tried to grab his throat but Cooper kneed him in the groin and head butted him in the face before he could do that. The guy doubled over and Cooper took out his knife, stabbing the guy in the back of the neck and making the blade of the knife poke out through his throat. He yanked the knife out and drove it into the chest of the first biker he had gone after, stabbing his heart and killing him pretty much instantly.

"Dad…" He looked to James and saw that he was standing tall over the other two now dead bikers. He was clutching his ribs while blood poured out of his mouth and the six inch gash that was right above his ear. "Jesus Christ. You need a hospital."

"No," James denied. "I'm fine." He spit out a nice big thing of blood. "I just don't know what to do still…"

Cooper sighed. "Maybe…maybe you and her should go away together for awhile. Leave me and Taylor in charge…or just Taylor." He got a nasty look for implying he could be in charge at any point. "You and Mom need it…time with just yourselves….work shit out and remember why you fell in love…make her fall back in love if needed." He shrugged. He could tell James was mulling that over and hopefully that meant maybe he would do it. "Just a suggestion. But you still really really need a hospital. You need stitches-"

"I'll superglue it shut."

"You'll-oh fucking hell. You just live to be difficult don't you?"

James only shrugged. "I'm good at it…one of the only things I manage to do right."

Cooper groaned at that. Oh Jesus fucking Christ…this is going to be a long day.