"It's got Ted Dansen and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor," Alan was rambling on about something.
"Shut up Alan. What room was it again?" Stu said.
"What the hell is he talking about anyway?" I wondered aloud.
"It's 825 and it doesn't really matter," Phil answered both of our questions.
We saw a blond woman talking on her cell phone, "I found him, I'll call you back," she then ran up to us. "Thank god he was with his father. I was freaking out. I missed you sweetie," she said taking the baby from Alan cuddling him against her. "And I missed you," she said then proceeded to kiss Stu much to all of our shock. "What the hell happened to you guys?"
"Eww," I said scrunching up my nose disgust.
"Actually we were hoping you could tell us," Phil said.
"What do you mean? I got up this morning and I went to get you guys all coffee. I came back and you were all gone. Why are you being so quiet?"
"We're not being quiet," Stu said playing along.
She laughed before saying, "I gotta feed Tyler so come inside you guys."
"You hear that the baby's name is Tyler," Alan said once she was inside the apartment.
"Yeah I thought he looked more like a Carlos too bud," Phil said.
"Totally," I agreed with a smile.
"Okay what's up? You guys are acting weird," Jade said coming out of the kitchen and handing a glass of water to Stu and me.
"Look it's Jade, right?" Phil asked.
"Very funny Phil," she replied.
"Right Jade uhh you remember our friend Doug?"
"Are you kidding? He was the best man at our wedding," she said while rocking Tyler.
"Exactly. Well we can't find him and were getting a little worried," Phil finally said.
"Oh my god that is so Doug," she said then began to laugh. That's when Stu spit out his drink all over poor little Tyler. "Oh I'm going to clean him off. It's okay, Daddy didn't mean it," she said trying to calm the now crying baby and hurrying to the bedroom.
"That is so not Doug at all, like she would know. She acts like she has known us our whole lives," I said.
"Oh my god!" Stu exclaimed ignoring me.
"What the fuck man. You got to hold it together," Phil said.
"Holy Shit."
"She is super hot. We should be proud of yourself," Phil said clapping a hand on Stu's shoulder.
"Seriously anything is better than Melissa," I agreed.
"She is wearing my grandmother's ring," Stu said.
"What?" Phil and I said at the same time.
"The ring I'm gonna give Melissa. You remember my grandmother's Holocaust ring," Stu explained.
"Fuck," Phil groaned.
"She's wearing it."
"Well now how the hell did that happen?" I said, rolling my eyes.
"If you don't recall what this day has taught us, we don't remember anything from last night," Stu shot back at me.
"No shit I was being sarcastic!" Phil put a hand on my knee while he looked at me with an eyebrow raised and a smirk playing on my lip. I knew he was warning me to chill out. "What? You know I am a crab when I don't get enough sleep."
"He's okay," Jade said walking back into the room.
"Oh good," Phil said.
"He is just hungry, he's fine," she replied sitting in a plush chair across from us. She then proceeded to pull her shirt down to breast feed Tyler, which is totally fine but a warning would have nice.
"So about last night you remember the last time you saw Doug?" Phil asked.
"Um I haven't seen him since the wedding."
"The wedding, okay great. We can't remember what time was that?"
"Well I guess it was around one because I had to go back to work and finish my shift and when I got out I headed over to the hotel with Tyler," she explained.
"And was Doug there?"
"I didn't see Doug you guys were passed out the room was a wreck. So I just curled up next to Stu," she said. Phil looked at Stu with a proud grin and I had to try very hard not to laugh.
Stu raised his hand before asking, "I got a question, you said when your shift ended does that mean you're a nurse or a black jack dealer?"
"You know this, I'm a stripper. Well technically I'm an escort but stripping is a great way to meet the clients," she replied.
"Smart," Phil said.
"Savvy," Stu commented. I peered down the couch at both of them in amusement.
"But that's all in the past now that I married a doctor," Jade said looking at Stu.
"He's a dentist," I commented.
Suddenly the door flew open and male and female police officers were pointing guns at us. "Las Vegas Police Freeze," they yelled.
"Hey, hey, hey," Phil said moving to shield me. We all held our hands up and the baby began bawling.
"Shut that baby up," the police man yelled.
So after they take their mug shots they wait down here to be interviewed by the arresting officer. Trust me kids you do not want to be sitting on these benches. We call this place loserville. Follow me," a police officer was giving a group of kids a tour of the station. I hung my head low so nobody could see my face. This was by far the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me and I've been victim of many of the guy's pranks. This was worse than accidentally sleeping with Phil twice. Like the police officer said we were waiting on a bench for the officers to take us in to interrogate us. For further punishment we were all handcuffed together and before the group of kids walked away a boy took out his phone and took a picture of Alan. Alan for reason thought it would be a good idea to kick the phone out of the kid's hand.
Another officer told us we could have our one phone call. One for all of us! I was about to put my lawyer face on and argue that but Phil once again gave me that look to say chill out. He then announced to all of us he was going to call Tracy to let her know what's going on. "Hey Tracy, it's Phil."
"I should be the one talking to Tracy," I said.
"I agree," Stu said.
"We are at the spa in the hotel," Phil continued.
"Great, I should have known he would lie," I said realizing I couldn't pout properly not being able to cross my arms.
"Um we made a deal no talking to girlfriends or wives. We're all calling each other's. Oh yeah Charlie's not here actually she went shopping."
"I wish that's what I was doing right now," I mumbled.
"You're not going to believe this. We got comp'd an extra night at the hotel. Yeah it's sweet. It's ridiculous, really out of control. There's room service and a butler, just the works. So we're thinking of spending the night here and coming back totally relaxed in the morning," Phil was such a liar and good at it too. It scares me a bit. "Yeah that's why we'll get up real early and we'll be back in plenty of time."
"Wenneck, Price, Garner, Shea," the police officer called us for our turn.
"Okay Trace got to go talk to you later," Phil said and hung up the phone and then added, "Shit I hope she didn't hear him say your last name."
"I can't believe you lied to her!" I hissed.
"That's why I didn't want you talking to her. What she doesn't know won't kill her," Phil replied.
"You are such an idiot! Thanks
"Come on, come on. Chop, chop," the police officer urged us.
"Spin around," Stu told Alan. Unfortunately he spun the wrong way so now we were more tangled than before. "God damn it," Stu muttered.
"Wait a second," Phil said.
"We'll go over," Stu said climbing over their arms and I followed.
"There we go," Phil said dragging Alan behind us.
"Gentlemen and lady we've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found your Mercedes," the policeman said as he entered the room. The big black lady officer was already sitting in the room staring us down.
"That's great news," Stu said.
"It's over in impound right now. We picked it up at 5AM this morning parked in middle of Las Vegas Boulevard."
"Huh, that's weird," Phil commented.
"Yeah that is weird. We also found this note 'couldn't find a meter but here's 4 bucks'," the policeman said. I winced this was going to be hard to get out of but if anyone could get us out of here it is me being a lawyer and all.
"The bad news is we can't get you in front of a judge until Friday morning."
"Uh no that's just impossible. We need to be in L.A. tomorrow for a wedding," Phil said.
"As our legal consultant Monday is unacceptable. Either you get us in today or you have to let us go. We can come back Monday," I said putting my lawyer game face on.
"We don't have to do anything. You stole a police car," the policeman replied.
"We didn't steal anything, we found it," Stu said. I shot him a 'please shut up' look.
"I think we deserve an award or something," Alan added. I took a deep breath of course they would make it harder for me.
"I see assholes like you every day," the policeman said.
"Every fucking day," the women added.
"Let's go to Vegas and we'll all get drunk," they continued to mock us.
"Whoo, whoo hoo!" the women yelled.
"Let's steal a cop car because it'll be really fucking funny."
"Yeah you think you gonna get away with it? Not up in here," the women said taking on her serious demeanor again.
"Not up in here!" the man yelled. When the police are actually yelling at you for doing something wrong, and not at your client, is so much scarier. That's when it came to me! I leaned over and whispered to Phil my idea of how to get out of this. He was the only one who could make it work.
"Um sir if I may I'm assuming that cop car belongs to one of you?" Phil started.
"Yeah," the policeman said skeptically.
"Look I'm not a cop, I'm no hero. I'm a school teacher but if one of my kids went missing on a field trip that looks really bad on me," Phil said.
"What are you getting at?" the policeman asked.
"Yeah Phil what are you getting at?" Stu said but looked at me. He knew I had something to with this; a smirk was visible on my face but only for a second.
"No one wants to look bad. We've got to get to a wedding and you guys don't need people talking about the obnoxious tourist borrowing your cop car last night. Look the point is I think we can work out a deal discreetly of course. What do you say?" Phil finished.
The women wrote something on her clip board then man nodded and began to laugh. "Let me ask you a question do any of you have a heart condition or anything like that?" he asked.
Phil looked at us and we were all shaking our heads, "Uh nope."
