Title: Scars

By: Aizawa Sakura

Disclaimer: No, I'm still not Maki Murakami.

Summary: Shuichi loses his will to live. Tatsuha falls in love with him and is prepared to do anything to save his life. Even send him to Japans no.1 Casanova.

Authors Note: Thanks everyone for reviewing the last chapters.

………………….

Chapter Six

Shuichi had always loved singing. Even before he realised he was actually good at it. Singing while Hiro played. Now he had lost his love. His first love. His one and only love. It is a fact that you cannot live without love.

Tatsuha didn't fall in love very easily. There had been a lot of people, beautiful people, funny people, entertaining people, and of course, the people who played hard to get and had to be proven wrong. But of all these people there were only two Tatsuha would say that he had loved. Strangely enough, they were both persons he had never slept with. The first one was Eiri, his brother. The second one was Sakuma Ryuichi, the world's most talented singer. He still loved Ryuichi, loved his voice and how he had used music to express himself. But Nittle Grasper had disbanded, and Ryuichi had moved to the US. And there he had remained. And Eiri? Tatsuha loved the memories he had of Eiri. Even though they were vague. Eiri hadn't remained.

Perhaps that was why Tatsuha was so scared, scared that Shuichi wouldn't remain. The more time he spent with the boy, the more he liked him and thought he understood him. Maiko had told him that Shuichi was depressed and had closed himself to the world, kept all and everyone out, so that he wouldn't get hurt even more. Shuichi's mother had told him that her son had spent the last couple of month "hiding" in his room. All alone, except when Maiko was with him, and even though she missed out on a lot of things to spend time with her brother, Shuichi had been alone far more. It was Tatsuha's own idea that Shuichi closed himself away because he didn't want to see other people hurt. He also thought that the foremost reason that Shuichi had stopped interacting with people was that the people he normally spent time with assumed that he didn't want to see them after the accident, because they could speak and he could not, and therefore had stopped visiting him. He decided to hunt down the redheaded friend in the picture Maiko had given him. It proved harder then he thought it would have been. He called Maiko to ask about the redhead, but she refused to speak with him. Seemingly, he had done something to really piss her of. He had expected her, and the rest of the family, to come to visit, but when two weeks had passed without even a single phone call from the Shindou family, Tatsuha figured it was up to him to keep Shuichi company. He made sure Shuichi was never alone.

………………

Shuichi had always hated the silence. That was the reason he had always talked so much. He had never desired silence for himself. But he couldn't talk anymore and so, he had been unable to break it. He had never wanted to be left alone. But, somehow, people had believed he didn't wanted to hear talking or music any longer. He hated them in the beginning, all the ones that didn't come to see him. All expect Hiro. He knew Hiro would come. But he didn't. No one spoke of him either. Eventually, he understood. Hiro was dead. That was when he decided he didn't want to live any more. A life without both singing and Hiro was more than he could take. Once he had decided, he started seeing Hiro in his dreams. Hiro's spirit didn't look like Hiro had used to look. It was paler and skinnier. It looked unhappy. He reached out for it, begging it to let him follow it. It looked happier then. It climbed into the bed with him, and held him close. When he woke up, it was gone, but the dream remained, and it felt so real. It gave him the courage to move on. Then, after his unsuccessful suicide attempt, he saw it again. It sat next to him for a long time. It spoke to him, but he couldn't hear what it said. He figured the dead couldn't actually speak with the living. Not even when the living was in a temporary coma. When he woke up, Maiko was the only one there. She didn't speak about Hiro. She didn't speak about music. She hardly spoke at all. All she said was that she loved him and that she had met someone she thought could help him. Someone who was a monk. He wasn't interested.

Then he had meet Tatsuha. Tatsuha had taken him away from the loneliness and silence he hated. Tatsuha wasn't afraid to speak to him. He spoke to him even though he could not answer. Even though he didn't react. People had been avoiding him and he had been shutting people out for so long that he almost didn't remember how to interact with others. But Tatsuha was different. Tatsuha was a friend. Like Hiro had been a friend.

……………………..

Hiro hadn't thought he could be so taken in by someone. Yet he couldn't seem to push away the memories of the blonde stranger. Not even long enough to be able to concentrate on the math he had to do. Not even for five minutes. Not even for five seconds. He knew he couldn't, for he had desperately tried to do so for the last weeks. He had not spoken to Maiko since she had left him at the karaoke bar, but one day, approximately three weeks later, she came to talk to him. School had just ended, and he was on his way home when she caught up with him. She didn't say much, just grabbed him by the collar and ordered him to take her to see Shuichi. He protested, but suggested that he take her the next day. She refused to listen and after having told him exactly how bad a person she thought he was, (apparently, she was very much against drinking) she went on telling him exactly how bad a person she thought Tatsuha was:

"I don't trust this person he lives with! I thought he was good, but then I realised he wasn't. He called me, asking about you" she screamed, "I don't want to speak with him anymore! I want Shuichi home!"

"The person Shu lives with called you asking about me?"

"Yes! He wanted to speak with you, said he needed to ask things about Shuichi. Why couldn't he ask me! I'm his sister, You're just the friend!"

Hiro did something he never thought he could do, he snapped.

"Just a friend!" he screamed, "I'm much more than that! I'm his best friend! I love him, I couldn't love him more even if he was my brother!"

"You're saying you love him more than I do? More then his family do!"

"Give me the number."

"What?"

"The number" Hiro said in a perfectly calm and icy voice, on the inside, he was shaking with rage. "He asked for me, so I'm calling him. How could you not tell me about it, what if it was something important?"

"I…I…" Maiko seemed somewhat speechless.

"I will not take you there. But I'm going to call and make sure everything's okay. If it isn't, I'll bring him back myself. Give me the number." Hiro's voice was stern. His eyes were hard. Maiko had never seen him like that before, it scared her. She gave him the number. She also realised how much she hated him. Hated him for making her feel inferior. Hated him for not helping her. Hated him because she knew how much he cared for her brother. The hatred made her strong. If Hiro wasn't helping her, she was going to get there by herself. There had to be a buss she could catch, it would take time to get to the Uesugi's by buss, but hell, she would get there. And she would get Shuichi back home.

……………………….

They were cutting up apples. Tatsuha seemed to be extremely found of apples. The knife was quite small, but seemingly sharp. When the phone rang and Tatsuha went to answer it, Shuichi ended up staring at the shiny edge of the knife. He placed it against his wrist. Hiro, he thought, I need to be with Hiro.

…………………………..

"Nakano Hiroshi?" Tatsuha asked, "Sorry, do I know you?"

"I'm a friend of Shuichi's. Maiko said you had tried to get hold of me. Is Shu okay?" the person at the other end of the phone seemed extremely worried. Tatsuha was quiet for a moment, then:

"You are the redhead?" he asked.

"Eh, Yes, I have red hair, how did you know?"

"I have a picture, Maiko gave it to me. It's taken outside somewhere, in the summer I guess, because it's sunny and Looks pretty warm. Shuichi is kind of clinging to this red-haired guy who looks kind of miffed and tries to play the guitar."

It was silent again.

"Yes" Hiroshi said slowly, "that picture was taken about a year ago, we went to a park with our friends for the cherry trees had just started to blossom. Shuichi forced me to bring the guitar, but then he wouldn't let me play it. He spent the whole day trying to convince me to climb this big cherry tree, which you are not allowed to do, and when I refused he decided that the best way to persuade me was to climb me instead."

"Seems like you two were really close."

"Yes, how is he?"

" He's…fine. Better than when he got here three weeks ago. He's starting to, open up, I think."

Hiroshi took a deep breath, he seemed to be very relieved.

"That's great" he said and suddenly he sounded much happier. "I have missed him so much."

"Why haven't you come to see him, then?" Tatsuha finally asked the question he had been longing to find an answer to, why had Shuichi been left alone?

"I… I don't know. I have wanted to so badly, but… things… got in the way, I guess. It, I don't know. Everything has been so fucked up lately."

"Okay, how about you come now then? I don't mean, now, like exactly now, but, you can come visit this weekend. I'll tell him, I'm sure it will make him happy."

"Yes, that sounds great."

"Good, I'm looking forward to meeting you."

When he hung up, Tatsuha couldn't think of anything else than how weird the conversation had been, how easy Redhead was to talk with and how he had gone from sounding happy to sounding sad. This Nakano Hiroshi guy probably missed Shuichi just as much as Shuichi missed him.

"Shuichi!" Tatsuha called when he walked into the kitchen where he had left the other boy. "I've got a surprise for you. I just talked to--"

Shock.

Shuichi had turned around. The knife he had been holding fell to the floor with a clatter. There was blood on it. And worse, Shuichi's left arm was soaked in blood as well.

"Shuichi?" Tatsuha asked. "God, what have you done?"

Tatsuha, Shuichi thought. Why did you have to come now? I want to go. I want to go to my friend. But then, there was an other part of him, a part that said something completely different: Can you… save me?

Tatsuha was already by his side. He had taken of his shirt and was using it to stop the bleeding. And eventually the bleeding did stop. Tatsuha carefully removed the shirt to look at the wound. He was relieved when he saw that it was just a scratch. Not deep. Not fatal. Just one of those small cuts that bleed an awful lot when they are first received. He made Shuichi sit down on the floor while he quickly cleaned up the kitchen. Then he took Shuichi up to his room and made him sit down on the bed. He disposed of the bloody shirt and fetched a new one along with a medical aid box. He cleaned the wound and bandaged it.

………………………………….

Maiko went to the buss station. Indeed, there was a buss. It would take her to Shuichi in about one and a half hours time. It would do.

…………………………………….

While Tatsuha took care of him, Shuichi had the time to look around in the room. Tatsuha's room was larger than the one he was staying in. It also lacked the specific depressed atmosphere. There was a large Nittle Grasper poster hanging on the wall. Seeing that, he looked back at Tatsuha. Tatsuha was a Nittle Grasper fan? Like himself. Like Hiro. Shuichi leaned in against him. He even smelled like Hiro. It was not really the same smell, but it was a smell he liked. He felt secure. When he thought about it, Tatsuha was similar to Hiro in many ways. Tatsuha was a friend. He wasn't afraid of him just because he was a mute. Like Hiro woulden't have been afraid of him. He talked to him, like Hiro would have done. He would listen to music with him. He had even put his arms around him. Held him, like Hiro used to do. He was so much like Hiro, so similar to him that he perhaps could… take his place?

NO!

That could not happen! No one could take Hiro's place. Ever! He pushed away the ridiculous thought and pushed away Tatsuha at the same time. He got to his feet and stormed out of the room. Rushed down the stairs and to the door. In the doorway, he ran into Tatsuha's father and some women with long brown hair. He pushed past them.

Tatsuha's father was extremely surprised when he saw the expression Shuichi had when he pushed past them. He had never seen the boys face carrying such an expression before. Seconds later he was interrupted in his amazement by Tatsuha, who hurried past them as well.

"Hi dad! Hi sis!" he said while passing them by, "Got to go, catch you later sis!" and he was gone.

"Ehm, what just happened?" Mika asked her father. He could not answer.

…………………..

Shuichi was standing under the big cherry tree. He was clasping his right hand over the bandage he had on his left wrist. He seemed to be thinking of something, something important. What, Tatsuha could not tell. Pink cherry flowers glistered in the last light from the setting sun. All of a sudden, one of them fell. It slowly singled through the air before landing on the cold ground just next to Shuichi. Death, Tatsuha thought, and he suddenly knew what Shuichi was thinking about(1). He walked up to stand next to the boy. "Do you know why you cannot do it?" he said, fixating his glance at the lakes blue/green surface, careful not to look at Shuichi. Shuichi tilted his head just a little.

"Why you can't kill yourself?" Tatsuha said to clarify.

Shuichi looked at the ground. Tatsuha took some steps forward, past Shuichi, he looked up at the flowers and when he spoke his voice was a bit louder than usual, to make sure Shuichi would hear him.

"You can't kill yourself…" he said slowly, "Because that would not be fair to the ones you would leave behind."

If he listened really carefully, he could hear Shuichi breathing. He continued:

"Think of all the people who loves you. Your family, your friends. Your sister, for example. I met her at the hospital, you know. She told me about you, about your suicide attempt. She was devastated. You should have seen the look on her face, how she lit up when I said I'd might be able to help you. I don't think she really trusts me anymore, so I don't want to let her down. But that's not what this is really about. I don't care about proving anything to her, or if she likes me or not. I… I care about you."

Tatsuha felt weird. Somewhat broken. And it was hurting him. However, he was not going to believe that there were tears forming in his eyes. He was not going to cry. He had nothing to cry about. Except, if Shuichi really would die, that would make him very sad. He swallowed and picked up where he had left of:

"And it's not just me!" he said, almost angry. "What about that friend of yours? The one with long reddish hair. He really cares about you!"

…………………..

Maiko ran from the buss stop to the house. It was the old monk, Tatsuha's father, who answered the door. Maiko asked him where Shuichi was. He told her that Shuichi and Tatsuha had gone for a walk, probably to the park. Maiko thanked and took off, running again.

…………………………..

Shuichi was surprised over Tatsuha's sudden outburst. The dark haired man had his back turned against him, so he could not see his face, but he did hear how his voice cracked. Not much, just a little. But it was enough to have him react to it. He didn't want Tatsuha to be like that. He wanted to do something to change it. Make it better. Reaching out was something very difficult, but with Tatsuha, he had done it before. He tried to tell himself he could do it again. Slowly, he lifted his arm. First he had just thought to poke him, but he ended up placing his hand lightly on Tatsuha's shoulder. Tatsuha rapidly turned around. Suddenly they were much closer than Shuichi had thought they would be. Standing face to face, he looked up at Tatsuha and noticed that his eyes were blank. Like he was going to cry. Shuichi didn't want him to cry. The strange thought from before were sneaking back into his head. He didn't push it away this time. If Tatsuha would stay with him, then maybe he could survive without singing. Without Hiro. When he thought about it, exactly what had Tatsuha said?

What about that friend of yours? The one with long reddish hair.

Could it be? It couldn't, it really couldn't! Hiro was dead. Gone. Would never come back. But then again, Tatsuha was a monk. And… monks could speak with the dead, couldn't they? He wanted to ask about it. God, he had to! But how could he? Paper, perhaps? Yes, he needed paper! He wanted to do something to change Tatsuha's sad expression as well, but before he had the time to think of something which might help, Tatsuha's eyes changed. They become solid. Piercing like steel. His first reaction was to back away, but then he realised he didn't want to, and that, even though the icy stare he was given was cold, it wasn't frightening. And he could not back away, he needed Tatsuha. Tatsuha could speak to Hiro!

"You can't do it" Tatsuha said. "Don't do it. Don't do that to them. Don't do that to your sister. I know what it feels like to lose a brother, don't do that to her. Don't do it to your friend. Don't do it to your parents." Tatsuha was breathing hard now. He tried to calm himself, but didn't quite manage. This time it wasn't difficult to reach out. Shuichi had done it before he knew he was planning to. His arms closed around Tatsuha's body and he held on to him hard. He dug his fingers into Tatsuha's back and when he realised he was hurting him, he just held on even tighter. Tatsuha had spoke with Hiro. He had to do it again, there was things he had to ask. Things Shuichi needed to know.

"Don't do that to me" he heard Tatsuha say, and then he pulled back. Tatsuha now looked very much pissed off. Shuichi started to back away from him. Next second, the dark haired man had grabbed hold of him and efficiently closed the gap between them by taking a step forward.

"I'm sorry" Shuichi heard him say, and then Tatsuha had forced their lips together and was kissing him vigorously.

End chapter six

………………………

AN: Thank you for all the reviews! This chapter is the longest by far. There is a lot of explanation in it. You finally get to know why Shuichi is so depressed. And you also, kind of, understand why he opens up so quickly to Tatsuha. It was a pain to write. I almost started crying at one point. I need coffee! I'm not even sure if I'm completely satisfied with it, I might go back and redo it later.

I really would like to know what you think about this chapter. Good? Bad? Suck? Best thing you've ever read?

I did have someone beta read it, but it might still contain some stupid mistakes, sorry about that…

I've been planning the Shuichi and Tatsuha under big Cherry Tree Scene since I first started this fic. It was great to finally get to write it.

Also, I told you last time that I would make some gift art for my reviewers when Scars reached 33 reviews. Please go check out my Deviant Art account okay? There's a link at my author page.

Take care, you are our sunflower.

Reading Notes

(1) Cherry flowers symbolize death.