Go ahead and laugh
Even if it hurts
Go ahead and pull the pin
What if we could risk
Everything we have
And just let our walls cave in?

Let our walls cave in

-Sleeping At Last

Chapter 7

"I kissed him Felicity! I kissed him!" I paced back and forth in her sun light living room. I had dropped RJ off at school and called Felicity right away. "I'm coming over." I told her. I didn't give her a chance to respond before I hung up. She opened her front door to my frantic knock, "Is Will home?" I asked anxiously.

"No. He just got on the bus to go to school. What's going on?" she asked with panic in her voice. I hadn't brushed my hair and I was wearing sweats and an old tee shirt. I looked like a hobo, so I knew the panic mostly had to do with how I looked.

"I kissed Barry." I sighed heavily and walked past her to plop down on her couch face first.

"Oh my God!" she shouted. She clapped her hands together and said with a hint of laughter, "I'm so glad you moved back."

"I'm glad I can be here for your entertainment." I said sarcastically, my face buried in a decorative couch pillow.

"Oh, stop being so dramatic." She came up to me on the couch and stood over me. "Are you

going to move or are you going to make a pregnant woman sit on the floor?" I sat up with the pillow still covering my face. I screamed into felling a slight release. She berated me with usual barrage of questions of who, what, when, where and why. I told her the "avoiding him" scenario didn't work at all.

"Well? Was it a nice kiss?" she had a girlish grin across her lips.

"It was." I whined. "It was a good kiss. Like a really good kiss." I screamed into the pillow again. "What am I going to do? He's engaged." My words were muffled by the pillow attached to my face.

"What do you want to do?" She pulled the pillow away, and the playful grin on her face had been replaced by questioning eyes.

"I don't know." I howled.

"Do you want to start something with him? Do you want to "date" him?" Her air quotes made me cringe. I don't want to "date" anyone.

"No. I don't know what I want." My head was spinning.

"Then it was only a kiss. You were flattered he that he said you were beautiful. You've been lonely. You got carried away. It meant nothing right?"

"Yeah, of course." I shrugged. I have been lonely, and he has stirred up old feelings in me that I have not experienced in a while. "It meant nothing."

"Then just talk to him. Don't be such a pussy." She laughed so hard her pregnant belly jiggled. I smacked her with the pillow and we both laughed. She is exactly what I needed. I'm so glad I came over. I'm so glad to have my friend back again.

"Just tell him your sorry and it won't happen again." She said after our laughter got under control.

"You're right. I'll just talk to him." I paused for a moment as my stomach twisted from anxiety over the pending conversation. "I'll do it tomorrow."

"Maybe you should do it today." She said in a motherly tone.

"No. I don't think so." She hit me with the pillow.

Felicity brushed my hair and let me borrow some clothes, so I didn't look like a complete mess. We went out for pie and did a little shopping. I welcomed the distraction from my confused feelings about Barry and Ronnie. I called my mom and asked her to pick up RJ from school. She was just happy I was out of the house again. "I'm glad to see you're hanging out with Felicity again. I knew coming home would be good for you." She always had to boast when she's right. But she was right. Even though being home sprung up memories of my father, there were some good memories too. Memories of Felicity and me dancing around in my bedroom to Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway". Getting ready for Prom. Ronnie proposing to me on my front porch. The warmth of these memories envelopes me.

I got home about 2:30, Felicity had to get going since Will would be getting home from school soon. She liked to be there when he got home. When I walked in the door I saw RJ on the floor playing with Barry. My heart stopped.

"Mommy!" RJ ran up to me and hugged my legs. I picked him up and rested his weight on my hip. "Look what Mister Allen gave me." He held up a green tracker.

"Very cool. Did you tell Mister Allen thank you?" I gave him a kiss on his chubby cheek then set him down. Barry stood up from the floor with that damn crooked smile on his face.

"Thank you, Mister Allen, for the tracker." RJ said sincerely.

"You can call me Barry, and you are very welcome." He mussed RJ's hair. RJ went back to the floor and started counting all his cars.

"That was really nice of you." I said trying to avoid meeting his eyes.

"It's nothing. I noticed he liked cars and he didn't have a tracker, so…" He trailed off. He was avoiding looking at me as well. His rubbed the back of his neck as we stood there silent.

"Are you going to be my daddy now?" RJ asked not looking up from his cars. I nearly chocked on my tongue and my eyes bulged with surprise.

"Why would you ask that sweetie?" I managed to ask.

"We need a new daddy." He looked up with those innocent green eyes and tears formed at the edges of my lids. I faked a smile and opened my mouth to say something, when Barry held up his hand to stop me. He mouthed, "It's ok." I sucked in a deep breath and held it. He knelt next to RJ and gave him a big grin. RJ smiled back at him. They stared at each other with the same green eyes. Panic coursed through me and my heart pounded against my chest as I thought, do they know? Deep down, does RJ know?

"I don't think your Mommy is ready for a new daddy." I saw Barry's eyes dart up at me then back to RJ.

"But I like you. What if I don't like the new daddy Mommy picks?" My heart shattered at those words.

"You have a great Mommy and she loves you very much. She will make sure that chooses a daddy you like." Barry's kind words were not making it easy for me. I wanted to hug him. Hold him close and scream the truth. But I couldn't. Not now…maybe not ever.

"Ok. I guess." They gave each other a fist bump then blew it up. I didn't know RJ knew to do that. A smile spread across my lips and I let out the breath I had been holding. My lungs ached from the lack air. I left nail marks in my palm, I didn't realize I had been making balls with my fists so tight.

Barry mussed RJ's hair again then stood up. I mouthed, "Thank you," as the tears finally broke through and rolled down my face freely. He wiped them away again, and we stood there for a moment gazing into each other's eyes with his hand on my cheek. He seems to always be there to wipe away my tears.

I heard my mother clear her throat. Barry dropped his hand, and we took a step away from each other. How long had she been there?

"Are you staying for dinner again, Barry?" she asked coyly.

"No," he grabbed his hat from the coffee table. "I have some things I need to do tonight. Thank you for the offer." He placed his hat low on his head and tipped his brim to bid my mother goodbye. "Bye Buddy," he said to RJ.

"Bye Mister, uh, Barry." RJ said loudly waving his hand vigorously.
"Goodnight Cait." He said softly to me.

I stare at the dark shadows dancing on my bedroom ceiling. I can't sleep. I don't want to dream. I don't want to dream of him. Why did I kiss him? I've been tossing and turning for hours now. I can't stop thinking about that kiss. The warmth of his lips. His hands on my back. Why did I kiss him?

I crawled out of bed and sat on the window seat of my bedroom window. My room was on the eastern side of the house which looked directly into Barry's room. The lights were out in his house. Was he sleeping? I could hear the low tink of chains from his porch swing swaying in light wind. The sound my old swing set groaned along with it in the delicate April breeze.

I needed some air to clear my head. I strolled outside in my white nightgown and bare feet. There was a full moon out and the back yard was flooded with bright moonlight. Full moon, is that why I'm acting crazy? I sat on the small swing, closed my eyes and began to float back and forth slowly. The weightlessness of the swing made me feel childlike. I smiled as the wind played with my hair, feeling the cool air on my neck and shoulders. The sweet scent of the corn fields filled the night air, and I breathed it in deeply.

"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" His soft familiar voice carried to me on the wind. My stomach flipped. I didn't want to see him, but I hoped I would. I wanted him in a way I couldn't explain.

"No." I stopped the swing and slowly walked over to him. He wore loose pajama bottoms and no shirt. His bare chest glistened slightly in the bright moonlight. Had he been sweating? He had bare feet too. I smiled at this. Ronnie hated being bare foot, he thought it was "unsanitary", he always had socks on. I was always bare foot when I could be. As soon as I get home I take off my shoes and socks off and walk around with bare feet.

Our houses used to be separated by a tall wooden fence for privacy, but that came down once Barry bought the property. Now the back yards have a small picket fence separating them. I placed my hands on the top of the fence, he did the same, placing his hands close enough for the sides of our palms to touch. It was enough to cause a twinge between my legs and a missed heartbeat.

"Can I ask you something?" I broke the silence between us.

"Sure." His crooked smile appeared.

"Why did you call me Cait?" I didn't mind it. Felicity called me Caity, which I thought was endearing. Ronnie called me Caity Bear, which I hated. He started calling me that when he won a stuffed Care Bear for me at our school carnival. We had just started dated "officially" and he thought it was cute. Every time he called me Caity Bear, I would tell him "Don't call me that. It's stupid." And he would reply, "No, it's cute, just like me." He would give me a big cheesy smile and kiss my face all over, and we would laugh so hard our sides hurt. He stopped calling me Caity Bear over the last couple of years. I miss it.

Barry shrugged, "I don't know. It felt right."

"Ok…" I said nodding my head hiding my smile. It did feel right.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked earnestly.

"No." I said too quickly. "It's fine…I like it." I couldn't hide my smile any longer. We stood for a moment, smiling, unmoving, sides of our palms touching.

"I'm sorry." We said in unison. We chuckled slightly, and he motioned for me to continue. "I'm sorry I kissed you." I began. His eyes glinted in the pale light. "I'm just not thinking straight right now. I just lost Ronnie and I've been thinking about the night we spent together, and…" I hung my head down ashamed. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He said softly and gently placed a finger under my chin, lifting my head and stared into my eyes. "I kissed you back." I could feel the heat from his body. I wanted to run my fingers down his bare chest. I couldn't hold his gaze, I pulled my chin away from his hand. I need to stop thinking of him that way. "I've been thinking about that night too and..." He let his hand fall by his side. "I'm the one who should be sorry."

"But your engaged." I retorted back. "I should have known better."

"You just lost your husband. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that." I could hear the anguish in his voice. He was hurting as much as I was.

"You didn't take advantage of me." I tried to assure him.

"Yes, I did." He argued. "I think I have feelings for you, but I'm not sure." He took a step back. "I don't know if it's cold feet about the wedding or if it's because Iris isn't here…but I think about you, a lot." He sighed as if a huge relief had been lifted from his conscience. "I do pull ups whenever I think about you."

That explains the glistening chest. I had no idea he felt this way. I can't break up his relationship. I couldn't live with myself if he left Iris because of me. Even though I hate her with ever fiber of my being, I couldn't do that. "Maybe both of us are just lonely and with our…history, it makes things more confusing."

He shrugged and nodded his head in agreement. "Is Iris coming home soon?" I asked.

"In a couple weeks. We're going to take care of the final preparations for the wedding."

"See?" I gave him a big fake smile. "I think the pending wedding has you a little frazzled. You'll be fine once you see the love of your life."

"Sure. It's just…" he trailed off.

"What? It's ok. You can talk to me if you need to." The tension in my body had released knowing he was just as confused as me.

"I sometimes have a hard time trusting Iris." He had moved closer to me. My nipples contracted as they lightly grazed his chest.

"Why? If you don't mind me asking." I reached out for his hand. He gladly grasped onto it and brushed his thumb across the top of my hand.

"Don't worry about it. It's my insecurity." His back stiffened, he dropped my hand and his demeaner hardened. "I have an idea." He blurted out. "How about we start over? Just friends."

I was taken aback by his abrupt attitude change, but I thought it would be good if we started over. It wouldn't be easy to stop thinking about him, but when Iris gets here it will be easier to avoid him. She'll have all his free time and then some. "I like that idea." I smiled, held out my hand for a handshake. He grasped mine gingerly, "Friends." He said.

"Friends." I repeated. We let our hands fall away from each other. We stood motionless. Bodies close, feeling each other's breath. I felt another twinge between my legs again. I would need to take care of that when I got back to my room. "I better go back in." I started. "It's getting chilly." I enjoyed the cool air, I just needed an excuse to leave. I turned to walk away.

"Hey Cait?" he called.

"Yeah?" I turned back around anxiously. Wanting him to tell me not to go.

"I can see through your nightgown." He had a spirited smile on his face.

"I know." I said as the same spirited smile spread across my lips.