7
one breath in this moment
"Harry…" Draco begins, softly, his eyes trained to his hands. "I don't want to do this."
"Hey," Harry says, softly, causing him to look up at him hesitantly. "I'm not expecting you to spill your guts on the first session...this takes time. We're going to start off slow today."
Draco looks doubtful of his words but nods, giving Blaise a sideways glance. Blaise isn't looking at him at all, instead focused on the wall , his chin resting on his hand and his face stoic, it tears at Draco's heart.
"Okay, Draco," Harry says, slowly, and Draco turns back to him with blank eyes. "How are you feeling today?"
It sounded like such an idiotic question that Draco shrugs uncertainly, "Fine, I suppose." His eyes strays to Blaise again but the other man refuses to meet his eyes.
"Do you feel anxious about anything? Saddened?" Potter prods, looking at him critically and for some reason it irks Draco.
"I…" He cast a look at Blaise, once more. "I...well, yes."
"Yes?" Harry is looking between him and Blaise, a frown on his face and Draco knows he's figured it out by the way his eyes lights up a moment after.
"Yes, saddened." He clarifies; he looks to the side refusing to make eye contact with either of them. He didn't want to be here, this was a horrible idea to begin with and he should have never agreed to Potter's stupid session—
"Draco, if you're uncomfortable with Blaise being here, he can leave…"
"No!" He shouts in panic without even thinking. He takes a deep breath to calm himself as Harry raises his eyebrows at him. "Please, I'm fine with him here."
"You seemed panic when I said that," Draco realizes a minute too late what Harry was doing. Draco turns his head away from him and he hears Harry sighs. "Draco, I won't break into your mind if you don't want to but I will if you won't speak with me."
"Like hell, Potter," Blaise growls, sitting up straighter. "I won't allow that."
Potter ignores him and looks at Draco, "Why Blaise leaving scares you?" He asks, softly.
"It doesn't." Draco snaps, he clenches at his jeans. "He can leave as much as he likes."
"You know that isn't true, Draco," Harry says, his lips thinning. "You know you couldn't bear to see Blaise leave this very room without a ritual of sorts."
"Shut up, Potter," Draco hisses, because he was right, Potter was always freaking right. "You know nothing."
"What is it then," Harry asks, leaning against the chair calmly. Blaise looks at him in confusion, unsure as to what he was doing while Draco's breath quickens. "Three taps on the shoulder? Kisses? or maybe—"
"No, no, no, we're not…" Draco is close to hyperventilating by now. "No."
"Deep breaths, Draco, in and out," Harry instructs, softly, "That's it."
Once Draco is calm, he speaks, evenly, "I don't want to talk about that. We are not talking about that."
"Why not?" Harry pushes as Blaise shifts in his seat. "This has nothing to do with your PTSD but everything to do with your panic attacks each time Blaise leaves you." Harry is looking at him, critically, and Draco's vision swims at the magnitude of his observation because Potter is so right, so, so right.
"Why, Draco?" Harry asks, again, firmly this time. "Is the idea of Blaise never coming back too much to bear? Is that why you must do something before he leaves so he will come back?"
"That not—!" Tears prick at his eyes and he presses the heel of his palm again them. "You know nothing, Potter." He hisses, again, and turns away from him.
"Why, Draco?"
Draco shakes his head, frantically, his mind whirring with panicked thoughts. Never has a Mind Healer left him so open—could read him so easily. It was frightening, he was used to the magical means of prying into his mind to find out what was wrong with him, this—this was entirely new to him.
"Draco, why?" Potter repeats, firmly.
"I don't know!" He rasps out, his hands shaking. "I don't bloody well know."
"You do know, Draco, you do…" Potter says his tone hard. "Why do you panic at the mere thought of Blaise leaving to go to work or the very room?"
"Because…!" He finally snaps and the silence afterwards is deafening and suffocating all at the same time. He can't breath, his chest feel tight and everything feels so damn close. "Because I'm scared…"
He can feel Blaise's eyes on him now, calm and sharp as he takes in his shuddering breath and shaking form; he must look a mess.
"Why are you so scared?" Potter asks, gently this time.
"I don't want him to leave…"Draco chokes out, he finally raises his eyes up to look at Blaise. "Please, don't leave me."
Harry stops Blaise from speaking with a raised hand and says, "Why do you think he will leave?"
"Because of me," Draco says, roughly, his grip on his thighs like steel. "I can't say…"
"You love him." Harry finishes for him, he leans forward.
"That's all he asks for in return," Draco lets out a bitter laugh. "I can't even do that right."
"Draco…" Blaise finally turns to him, "I'm head over heels for you, I won't leave you because you can't say those words. I understand something is stopping from your past is preventing you from saying them. It hurts but..."
"I'm not good with words, Blaise…" Draco says his head still bowed. "My actions speak louder, the fact that you can even hold me…"
"I know." He replies, gently.
"It must be hard," Harry says, he sits back in his seat. "I never went through what you two been through but I'm willing to help you through it." He taps his chin in thought before he says, "Draco, I think it will be best if you write down what you're feeling each day or tell Blaise or me, sometimes," He watches silently as Blaise moves to kneel down next to Draco. "Maybe, take walks in the morning to get out of the house and interact with other human beings that aren't Blaise, Parkinson or I. It will help with your anxiety when you're away from Blaise for a while. I'll go with you if you like."
"That would be nice." Draco says, his voice trembling and his tears threatening to fall over.
"We have a long road to healing ahead of us, Draco," Harry says, watching them silently. "But this is a start."
"I was being selfish," Blaise says, stroking his leg. "I shouldn't have wanted all of you when you weren't ready to give it to me."
Draco shakes his head, his hands covering his face to hide the fact he's crying. "No, I'll be better...I'll be better...d-don't leave me…" He chants as Blaise strokes his legs in comfort.
"Breathe, Draco, breathe...I'm here…I'm not leaving you." Blaise says, softly as he moves up to sit on the couch and pulls Draco into his lap where the blond curls up and continue his muttering. "Our relationship is strained but...I'll never leave you, love. We'll figure this out...together."
"I'm not worth the effort," Draco sniffles, his voice muffled by his hands. "I'm so shit with my emotions and I've hurt you, I'm a horrible human being...I shouldn't be alive."
Harry hesitantly sits on his left side and runs a hand through Draco's hair and oddly, Blaise's doesn't mind. They sit in silence like that for what seems like hours as they lose track of time and is lulled to a peaceful silence by the crackling fire.
Blaise finally breaks the silence when he leans to Draco's ear, where he can hear clearly the blond counting in fives, and whispers, "I want you to live."
Blaise doesn't remember falling asleep but he wakes up sometime later with Harry's arms wrapped around him and Draco in his arms. Still in the haze of sleep, he feels oddly content despite the fact that it had been an emotionally jarring day so far and he was currently chest to back with someone that wasn't his boyfriend.
"So much for that patient-healer barrier," Blaise mutters, shaking his head a bit.
He shifts experimentally seeing if he could get out of Harry's tight grip but the man only seemed to hold on tighter the more he moves. It was futile as Harry mumbles, incoherently, and pushes him deeper into the large couch and he sighs, laying his head back on the cushion as he begins drifting off to the image of Harry's embarrassed face once he wakes up as he realizes that he gladly cuddled with two Slytherins.
"Did you mean what you said?"
He nearly jumps out of his skin at the soft voice against his chest and looks down to see Draco looking up at him, his eyes clear as if he hadn't slept at all—and mostly likely that was the case. "What?"
Draco's voice is still a mere whisper, "What you said...did you mean it?"
Blaise is still in a sleep haze and he struggles to remember what he says, "I don't know…"
"It's okay if you…" Draco trails off, his fingers tracing invisible patterns into Blaise's shirt. "I mean…"
"What is it?" Blaise asks, drowsily. Harry snores softly in his ear and he had to admit he was way too warm and comfortable for him to be following Draco's train of thought right now.
"Did you mean it when you said you wanted me to live?" Draco says, his breath hitches as he waits for an answer. "I-I know I can be troublesome and…"
"I meant it." Blaise says, firmly, even in his sleepy haze he knew this meant a lot to his boyfriend to hear that. He leans down to kiss him slowly on the lips. It always feel like a breath of fresh air when he kisses Draco but he craves more—he always craves more—but he wouldn't do anything Draco didn't initiate. "I want you to live; I would be lost without you."
Draco is silent and, for a moment, Blaise thinks he has finally drifted off to sleep so he closes his eyes and tries to savor this warmth he is entrapped in as long as he can.
"It would be me who would be lost without you," Draco finally answers after a few minutes, he kisses Blaise chest three times. "I can only wish I can give more of myself to you, the more that I heal."
Draco is content after that to run his finger over Blaise's shirt, finding comfort in the steady heartbeat that greet his touch in his restlessness as Blaise sleeps on.
