*Terrence Loves You by Lana Del Rey
WARNING TRAGEDY AND THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE
Yamazaki Susumu
Harper sniffled quietly as she sat in her new room in their new quarters in Edo. She hugged her knees to herself as she stared blankly out the window. She made no movement when Hijikata walked in her field of vision and sighed slightly when he immediately looked away from her and took off.
"It's not your fault Hijikata, you have to stop believing that, he wouldn't want you to." Harper forced out through her tears as she shakily wiped her tears off her sore cheeks. Hijikata looked away from her to where his body lay. Harper covered her mouth to stop another loud sob as she looked over too, the slapping of the waves against the ship being the only sound other than Harper's sobs.
They all tried for so long to cheer her up on the boat, but it didn't work. By now, most of the captains had left her alone besides Sano during the day and Heisuke at night. She hadn't spoken to Hijikata since that horrible day and he had barely looked at her.
"We need you more than you could ever need us, you're the head and we the limbs you can lose an arm, but if the head goes the body dies, we need you" Harper gaped at the man that she had come to love in disbelief as she fell to her knees. He stood in front of Hijikata, his arms out, and Kazama's katana through his stomach. One moment she was hugging Chizuru to her and reassuring her that Hijikata would be fine, and the next…
"No," she cried out and stood up, taking off towards the three to try to do something, anythingto stop what was happening. Kazama stared at Harper with an almost solemn look on his face before ripping his sword out of Yamazaki and running off. Harper gripped onto Chizuru's arms when they wrapped around her tightly to stop her from running into the middle of the fight.
"I needed you," Harper whispered to herself as tears welled up in her eyes again. She knew he wouldn't her to hide herself away like this, but she couldn't bring herself to do anything else. She was lost, she didn't where she should go now that Susumu was gone.
Harper watched as Saito and Shinpachi walked past her window. Shinpachi waved at her and smiled, but sighed sadly when she made no reaction except to merely look away. She didn't know how to speak to them, to anyone, anymore. She wanted to scream and cry at them that they should have done more, done something. But she knew it wasn't their fault, or anyone else's, besides that man Kazama. So, she remained silent and in her room until she felt something other than the pain and sadness.
She watched as the cherry tree's branches swayed lightly in the wind and a small smile crawled on her face as she remembered when he taught her how to climb the tree. He was so patient and merely chuckled whenever she got frustrated, encouraging her to keep trying. He taught her many things. Despite being a warrior and a spy, he was a gentle and kind soul, one she felt blessed to have with her.
Another sob fell from her lips as she looked away from the tree, the memory only bringing her pain now. She stared at the long katana sitting on it's holder and contemplated away she could possibly rid herself without getting caught by the others. She had contemplated the same thing on the boat a few days before, but they caught her before she could do anything about it. Harper knew Susumu would come back to kill her himself if she tried it. She couldn't bring herself to care though, it only brought her more pain to remember that he wasn't here to yell at her for even thinking such a thing.
She glanced up when a hand grabbed the katana off the holder and held to their chest. She expected it to be Sano, coming to check on her, but was surprised to see Saito staring at her intently. She sighed as he continued to hold onto the katana tightly and looked back out the window.
She jumped slightly when she felt a hand on her shoulder and then a thumb lightly wiped away the tears under one of her eyes. She turned to see Saito crouching down next to her. He didn't say anything as she continued to stare at him blankly, but Harper could not keep up the act forever. Soon fat tears were falling down her cheeks again and sob was released from her mouth as Saito pulled her into a tight hug.
"Shh," he said soothingly and rubbed her back as she cried into his shoulder. "You should come eat with us." He wouldn't want you to hide in here forever. He didn't have to say it out loud for her to know what he was saying and she was glad he didn't.
"I can't," she rasped out, her voice weak from her not speaking to anyone in so long. She wasn't ready to see anyone yet, she didn't want to see their sad and worried looks sent her way.
"May I eat in here with you then?" Saito asked and she sighed. Harper knew what he was doing, they had been leaving her food at her door and then taking it away later when it had been barely touched. She pulled away from him to look at his face, he gave nothing away as usual and she finally relented with a nod. Perhaps, she wouldn't have to worry about anything with him.
Saito was patient and perceptive; he wouldn't push her to get better or smile or move on. He would let her do it at her own pace and stay by her side the whole way. She managed a small smile for him and turned back to the window. Saito stood to leave, probably to do his patrol before dinner she guessed, and he made it to the door.
"Thank you," she said so quietly that Saito almost didn't hear it. He didn't turn to face her, but merely nodded his head before walking away. He didn't want her to see the expression of relief and hope on his face as he walked out the door.
