It was funny to watch Stanley struggle.
The hardest part was starting the hole. Breaking into the solid ground wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do. The boy just couldn't get his shovel in. He'd aim, jump, and fall over. I couldn't help but laugh until he finally found a crack in the ground after his third or fourth attempt. But the fun in watching him wasn't over. Stanley had to jump out of his hole often and move the dirt piles farther and farther out. Out of all the new people I've seen come here, he was struggling the most.
Everyone else is watching as they dig, too. Zigzag and Magnet often glance over at me when something really funny happens. This was one of most fun days I've had in a little over two months. I feel almost bad for saying this to myself in my head, but dismiss it. Was it so wrong to be entertained by someone else's failures?
As the water truck came brining lunches, I hear Magnet asking Stanley how he's doing. The famous line escapes Magnet's lips.
"Well, the first hole's the hardest."
A little while later, the new boy asks where to go the bathroom, and everyone gestures to holes and tells him to pick one. I laugh as I continue to dig. I have to hold it all day until I can get back to where there's a toilet, I've learned to wait. Better than peeing into a hole with a bunch of pissed off (now they're pissed on) yellow-spotted lizards.
I finish my hole around the same time as Zigzag, leaving an almost finished Magnet and a far behind Stanley to finish. We spit, and head off together.
"Whattya think of the new guy?" I ask once we're a bit away. As usual, Zigs top is rolled down to his waist and the shirt is on the back of the neck. I just will never get over how incredibly attractive he is, especially shirtless.
"Sweetheart, could you not stare?" He mocks me with a smile.
"My name is not 'Sweetheart'." I say sternly, my stomach emptying at the nickname as memories flood through my head. My mouth goes dries and my wrists start paining me. I can hear screams and laughs. Make it stop or I'll go insane. "Don't call me that."
"Would you prefer Pookie Bear?"
"I'd prefer Squid or Nudge. Would you like to answer my question, darling?" My happy mood returns as I call him darling, it's kinda funny.
"I think he's gonna have a hard time, but he seems pretty cool, I guess." Zig bites his lip. "Don't call me darling."
"If you have such a problem with pet names why did you call me one?"
"I don't have a problem with names, it's just that one." He looks away. "My mom used to say it, only in a mean, sarcastic way. Like, 'My darling son' or something."
As we return to camp, Zig heads off for the showers and I head for the tent than water spout. I really hated having to shower in the middle of the night, I just wanted to be clean now. Why couldn't girls attend this lake anyways? A girl could dig a hole as easily a boy. I've even proved a girl can dig a hole better and faster than some boys. If anything, females would be better diggers. We're more determined, and in my opinion, tougher. But that's just me being a feminist.
I return to the Rec Room to find Armpit and X-Ray playing spoons with old, faded cards. Instead of spoons, they use shower tokens, the usual betting prize for Camp Green Lake. They invite me to join but I decline, I need to keep my tokens(even though I'd probably win, I have very fast reflexes). To pass time, I grab an even more worn out deck, so worn out that some of the numbers and symbols had been drawn on with marker, and play solitaire with myself.
"Wanna play Go Fish?" Zigzag asks as he returns from his shower.
"Go Fish?" I laugh. "Aren't we a little old for that game?"
"I'm gonna be eighteen soon and be an adult, I wanna relive my childhood." He smiles as he sits down next to me on the couch that smells like sweat.
"From what you've told me, your childhood was shit." I joke as I begin to shuffle the cards.
"I've told you the bad parts. I've had good times. And playing Go Fish was one of them." We keep score by adding up the numbers on the cards from the pairs we get. After about five games, Magnet joins. After another three games, the door swings open the new kid walks in. He looks rather annoyed as he carries a small box in his muscle-less arms.
"Hey, watch it!" Scab, a boy from C tent, calls out as the new kid stumbles over his legs.
"You watch it." He replies, walking away. Damn, this boy was as brave as hell standing up to Scab, a boy at least three times his size. 100% muscle and violence.
"What'd you say?" Yells Scab as he leaned up and clenched his fist.
"Nothin'." Replies New Kid.
Scab rises. "You said something. What did you say?" A finger is jabbed and I know someone here is screwed.
"Be cool," X-Ray inserts himself into the dispute."You don't want to mess with the Caveman." Damn. One day and he's already got a nickname? I got mine after a week and I've got more respect in one finger than the Caveman's got in his whole body. Whatever. The line order meant more than a nickname.
"The Caveman's cool." Armpit joins in.
"I'm not looking for trouble. I'm just tired, that's all." Caveman explains. I almost laugh. He has no idea that the Caveman is him. Scab grunts and walks away as X-Ray and Armpit leads Caveman over to Zigzag and me. I slide over on the couch so he can sit.
"The Caveman's one tough dude." I tell the guys. Although really out of it and a little funny, he almost started a fight with the biggest guy at camp. I lightly punch Caveman in the arm, but shoot an apologetic glance when I realize I actually hit him kinda hard. The boy in me is becoming me.
"I wasn't trying to start anything." Says the Caveman once again.
"Well, how'd you like your first hole?" I ask, setting the cards down on the table.
Caveman groaned and I couldn't help but laugh. "Well, the first hole's the hardest."
"No way." X-Ray shakes his head. "The second hole's a lot harder. You're hurting before you even get started. If you think you're sore now, just wait and see how you feel tomorrow morning, right?"
"That's right." I respond. I remember my second hole like it was yesterday. It was probably one of the most exhausting and painful things I've ever done.
"Plus the fun's gone." X-Ray continues.
"The fun?"
"Don't lie to me. I bet you always wanted to dig a big hole, right? Am I right?" We all nod in agreement. I know I've always wanted to do that. "Every kid in the world wants to dig a great big hole. To China, right?"
"Right." Caveman finally nods.
"See what I mean. That's what I'm saying. But now the fun's gone. And you still got to do it again, and again, and again." X-Ray sighs.
"Camp Fun and Games." Says Caveman.
"What's in the box?" I ask, jerking my chin to the small box still clutched in his hands.
"Uh, paper, I was going to write a letter to my mother."
"Your mother?" I laugh.
"She'll worry if I don't." He responds. I just scowl. I can't help it, I didn't want to hear about his mother who would worry about him. I don't want to hear about his mother who cares about him and awaits his letter. The mother who probably didn't care and believed he was still a good boy when he got sent to Camp Green Lake. A mother who will write him back and say she can't wait until he comes home. A mother who loves him.
I leave Caveman and begin to play pool with X-Ray, Armpit, and Zig. I notice he begins to write his letter, but I ignore him.
I let my mind wander. I think back to my home in Boise. Do I wish I was back there? In that town full of people who hate me and think I'm weird? Or would I rather be here, where I have to dig my ass off every day? At least I have friends here, whether most of them are friends with Squid rather than Nudge, I don't care. Friends are friends.
I had a friend in Midland, the town in Texas I grew up in. Her name was Bethany. We we're friends starting in Kindergarten, and it lasted until middle school when I started getting into trouble. I wonder if she remembers me like I remember her, an innocent friendship that kept me sane as my home life fell apart. I decide I will find Beth as soon as I get out, I have to thank her.
Once in middle school, I moved on from 'innocent friends' like Beth. In fact, I didn't even have friends. I had a posy of kids that I'd get into trouble with. We'd break into homes that were being built and vandalize the place. At thirteen, one of the older kids in my group started bringing beer they swiped from their parents to those houses.
The police showed up one night. Me, along with a few other kids, manage to hop the fence and get away. As for the ten other kids that were part of my posy, they were all caught with alcohol and sent to Stark weather, the school for bad kids. Sometimes I wish I was sent there, too. Those kids right now we're back into regular high schools with college on the way. I was here.
Would I be a different person if I were, too, caught that night? Would I be in school right now, sitting at a desk with a pencil in my hand and a clean record? Would I be smart or happy? Would I still be living in the same house in Midland with my mother and have a great life?
I tell Zigzag this story that night. I start with Beth and end with my thoughts on where I would be right now if I would have been caught.
"I like to believe everything happens for a reason." He tells me after I finish.
"I'm a major screw-up for a reason?" I ask seriously.
"You aren't a screw-up. But I think you're here for a reason."
"I don't see what purpose this place could have."
He stays silent for a moment. "You said you didn't have real friends in Midland." I nod. "You do here."
I ponder this for a moment. Personally, I was never a big believer of 'everything happens for a reason', but his words were true.
"Did you have friends?" I ask, pushing away my history. He rolls his shoulders as we sit against the wall, looking up at the stars as usual. It was a common interest we share, the stars. Zig actually knew a lot of the constellation names and would point them out to me sometimes. I gotta ask where he learned that someday.
"Yeah, but she died when I was fourteen." Zig says this smoothly and I gasp.
"Holy shit, I'm so sorry-" He cuts me off.
"I hate it when people say that when someone dies. What the hell are you sorry about? You didn't kill her." I stay silent. I want to know more, but I feel like Zig is pissed that the subject was brought up, so I stay silent. I stare down at my boots and hit the toes together. My hair forms a curtain between us, I'm scared to look and see if he's actually mad.
My hair slowly moves as his fingers brush across my face. Zigzag tucks the curtain behind my ear and turns my face by putting a hand on my chin and pulling. Blue eyes gaze into my own, his apologetic and mine frightened.
"I'm not mad at you, Nudge, no need to hide." He laughs as he drops his hand. "I actually really like talking to you. I'm glad you snuck into this place. I needed someone to talk to about all this shit, I think all of us guys do, but it's nothing we wanna share in group. It's too personal and it'll make us un-manly."
"Sucks, doesn't it?" I say as I rub my eyes. "I'm gonna head back, I'm tired."
"Yeah, me too." Zigzag agrees, standing up and handing me my hat. After I tuck my hair inside, he holds his hand to me. I try to hide my blush in the dark light as I take his hand and he helps me up. He doesn't let go of my hand until we enter the empty space between all the buildings. Suddenly, Zig is violently tugging my jumpsuit and his hand is over my mouth.
"Shut up." He whispers sternly as he presses my back behind a small outhouse. He stands in front of me, mere inches away, and doesn't breathe. What's going on? Memories flash and I can't stop my eyes from watering. Zigzag gasps as he presses against me, the tears slide down my cheeks before I can stop them. He pokes his head around the outhouse and sighs in relief as he pulls off me.
"Mr. Sir was walking around, I'm sorry-" He pauses abruptly and brings a finger to my wet cheeks. I'm still pressed up against the wall, breathing heavily and trying to collect myself.
"Are-are you crying?" I bite my lip and stay silent. Squid nor Nudge would never admit they were crying, ever. Neither cried in front of people, ever. "Why are you crying?" His voice is soft and gentle, maybe even a hint of concern or worry in the mix. It would be cute, but the question stung me. I'm suddenly queasy, my insides are flipping.
I sprint around the outhouse and step inside moments before my dinner comes up. It looks exactly the same as when I ate it, it would be funny if I weren't-well, throwing up. I stay kneeling on the ground for a few moments after I'm done before I exit the outhouse. Zigzag stands there, looking at me with concerned eyes.
"Are you okay?" He asks as I walk past him. I feel bad for storming off, but I don't want to talk about it. I never want to talk about it.
"Hey! Wait!" He yells, trying to catch up with me. I continue to walk towards D-Tent with my lips sewn shut. Zig catches up and gently grabs my hand. "Hey, what's wrong-"
"Would you shut up?" I hiss, spinning around. "You're gonna wake someone up." He stares at me, confused and surprised that I used such a harsh tone of voice. He releases me hand and watches as I stomp into the tent and collapse into my bed, hiding under the scratchy sheets.
I listen for Zig, but he doesn't enter the tent. Where could he be? Was I too hard on him? Is he mad at me? No, it wasn't my fault. Emotion took over, right? He'll understand, right? The questions bite at me, and I can't sleep. The last thing I want is Zigzag to be mad at me, he's the most important person to me in this camp. He's the only person that knows about Nudge, about who I really am. He's the only person in the world I can talk to.
About an hour later, I hear someone step into the tent. I pretend to be asleep, I don't want to talk about my behavior. I know Zig's hovering over me when I feel a sudden body of warmth near me. I almost flinch when his cool lips press to my cheek, and his hand softly caress my other cheek. I don't whether my heart stopped or beats a thousand times faster, I'm numb. I don't know what I'm feeling.
Whatever I'm feeling, it can't be good.
