The suffering is not going to end yet, sorry Dazai dear~

A big thank you to Kimera for proofreading ^^ And of course, thank you Kuroheit for the reviews!


Chapter 7:

Was the suffering ever going to end?

It was Monday and Osamu Dazai was actually on time the first period of school. How wonderful was that? Even the teacher looked up surprised when Dazai announced his presence while he was going through the list of names.

However, it wasn't like he felt like his usual clown self. He was smiling, cracking jokes and flicking pieces of his eraser at Kunikida's head, who was trying his hardest not to throw his table at Dazai's head in return. In his mind, however, he was restless and oddly tired. Not physically, but mentally. He felt like he could close his eyes and he would fall asleep instantly, but whenever he tried no sleep came. There was simply too much going on for him to find his way to dreamland, which was never a welcoming place for him.

He was afraid of what he found out the previous weekend. The ghost who followed him, it was a constant presence now. It was a reflection, like a shadow of who he truly was. He felt empty, hollowed out, as if he didn't belong in this world.

It didn't matter if he ignored the ghost or told himself it was only because he was too tired so his mind was messing with him, because he's seen this presence for years. When he still lived at his biological father's home he sometimes even thought of the ghost as a companion.

It gave him the creeps now.

Was it really impossible for him to be normal, like everyone else? He didn't want to be different, not like this.

Not even twenty minutes after the first period started Dazai was called to the principal's office, Dazai swearing to Kunikida (who gave him an angry glare) that he didn't do anything this time, Kunikida in turn whispering furiously Dazai already had too many strikes so he better have behaved this time!

Being in the student council meant one had to keep up a 'good' reputation at school.

Schools were prisons, everyone could agree with that, right?

Dazai made his way to the principal's office, not taking any detours or a chance to go to the toilet eventually this time, since he knew not to keep the principal waiting. He kind of did respect him. The principal, who was Fukuzawa, an old man always looking tired while always somehow being all zen, had a good heart and always did his best for both teachers and students. It wasn't often anyone received this kind of praise from Dazai, but Fukuzawa he really didn't mind.

So, it did make him wonder why he called him to his office.

He knocked and waited for the signal that he could come in before opening the door and bowing his head politely to greet him.

Fukuzawa sat behind his desk, a pair of glasses on the bridge of his nose as he worked through a pile of papers.

Wasn't this the age of technology? Why was paperwork still a thing? And Dazai knew the struggle, since he was the secretary of the student council.

"Sit down, Dazai-kun," was the gentle order from the principal. Dazai did as asked, a wondering expression on his face.

"Am I receiving a reward for being on time for once?" He tried, sensing the mood wasn't nearly as cheerful as he'd like it to be.

"You'll receive one once I hand you your diploma."

Not hopefully, not maybe, no uncertainty present in his voice. Fukuzawa really expected Dazai to graduate this year. Honestly, he had no comeback for that one, and again, that too was a rare thing for Osamu Dazai.

"Right…"

"I called you here for a different reason. I just received a call from your eldest brother, at least, that is how he introduced himself."

His heart sunk to his stomach. Not only was that blunt and sudden, but that his blood related family appeared to have found a way to contact him was a shock. They weren't allowed to contact him, so the reason had to be something grand, or not, Dazai didn't know.

His breathing quickened a little, a sign he felt nervous, he noted, before wanting to speak up when Fukuzawa held up his hand to hush him.

"I informed your adoptive father immediately after, as was his request. I needed to know if it was okay to inform you because of the regulations with Child Services."

"Inform me about what?"

"Dazai-kun…" No. He recognized that tone.

Pity. A heavy message. Something important was about to be said and Dazai had no idea if he even wanted to hear it, but apparently Mori already knew and by the looks of it the principal received permission to tell Dazai the truth.

"Your mother passed away yesterday. Your brother asked me to ask you if you wanted to visit."

He already knew for years he had lost her. It was his own fault since he ran away from home. He forfeited the right to see her that very day.

The one person who had genuinely cared about him was now dead.

No other thoughts came to mind, no predictions, conclusions, plans or figuring out whatever the other said or did happened in his different thought processes.

Everything was put to a halt inside him.

What should he do? Or say? Should he walk away? He needed to be away from here, from everywhere because he needed to think, but nothing worked. Nothing wanted to obey his commands.

Fukuzawa's mouth was moving, meaning he was saying things, but Dazai didn't hear anything other than an irritating buzz in his ears. Neither did he feel anything, other than the chill that ran down his spine, Dazai sensing the ghost standing behind him to watch this too.

If Mori gave permission to tell him the truth, did that mean he gave permission for him to go to his hometown too? Why? Why would he do that? And why was Child Services going along with this?

But wait, he was eighteen, so their guidance ended already. Only the Judge's order back then still stood. Dazai's biological father was not to seek contact with him. That was the arrangement.

So… Mori couldn't stop him in case he would want to go himself.

Should he go? But why? For his mother? Should he say goodbye to her? Tell her he was sorry?

What was the point of that?

It was the appropriate thing to do, right? So maybe he should go. Do what was the human thing to do.

"I won't attend the funeral," he stated then, Fukuzawa gazing at him neither sternly nor gently. "I can't… I can't be that long in… well, his presence." Fukuzawa nodded and waited. "But I will visit, only to say goodbye to her."

"You can do that today if you want. You can take today and tomorrow off." Dazai nodded, not stopping to think about any of what Fukuzawa said and stood up in a daze, walking out of the door and somehow managing to make his way to his locker where he put his slippers in his locker and took out his shoes.

He had to tie his shoelaces. Dazai knelt down, but somehow he couldn't think of the way to tie them. He knew it and he managed to make his way down here, so why was he failing now?

Two smaller hands then reached out and tied them for him. It was Chuuya.

He silently tied them for him while Dazai stared at him wide eyed, guilt taking over. He hadn't seen him ever since he left Mori's house the weekend before and only greeted him casually that morning.

Chuuya was always going so far for him. He'd rather have him throw a fit about a lame joke Dazai made, not this.

Dazai stood up, nodded a thanks and wanted to be on his way when he felt a tug at his sleeve.

"I can come with you, if you want."

Chuuya didn't know what was going on and Dazai would rather have it remain that way. He didn't want his pity or concern, not Chuuya's.

Dazai shook his head, released his sleeve from his boyfriend's grasp and left.

Once again, he had no idea how he had found his way to his hometown. He had taken the train, which was a short ride and arrived not even an hour later at his childhood home.

He crossed his arms as if to comfort himself. One short visit. That was all. Pay his respects and he would be on his way again, nothing more, nothing less. He was doing the humane thing. He wasn't going to talk to his father. He disowned him, after all.

He was only here for his mother.

Neither did he want to talk to his brothers or cousins or other servants. He disliked them all. None of them helped him back then. None of them tried to understand him. They just thought him to be the clown of the family all the while ignoring what his father did to him, or what they themselves had done to him.

A shudder went through his body at the thought before he emptied his mind once more. To not think about certain things and emptying his mind of it, it was peculiar and somewhat irritating, but it helped.

It was like a form of drugs or alcohol. He felt dull and empty, but it was welcome right now.

He rang the bell and waited until the gates automatically opened, allowing him in.

One person came outside, he recognized him as his older brother. He was in his late twenties and had shorter hair than Dazai, but the exact same color and his eyes were very similar too. They carried a sadness that irritated Dazai, his brother's stern nature he most likely copied from his father still present.

"Little brother," he greeted rather neutrally. Dazai had no other way of describing it other than neutral. He couldn't identify it as anything else.

He only gave him a nod in return. "Where is she?" He assumed he organized everything, as the eldest son often took care of the funeral.

"Why don't you come in first? It's been a long time since I last saw you."

Dazai shook his head. "I'm not here for the wake itself. I only want to speak with her." To her dead body that is. He hoped at least the afterlife would be a better place for her.

His brother sighed, one he seemed to have been holding in as his shoulders seemed to be a little less tense now. "Follow me."

He followed him to the back where a small stone garden house stood. It wasn't your usual wooden house where all the useless stuff was put, only to be forgotten by everyone, thus all the objects turning into mere memories.

This garden house used to be where his mother often sat in front of, sipping her tea and watching the flowers and cherry trees. She did come by the house, if she could manage, when they were in bloom.

Dazai gulped away the memory and knelt on the small carpet in front of the house after taking off his shoes, held the palms of his hands on the ground and bowed to show the deceased and the Buddha respect.

Thinking about it, he realized he was far from following the protocol and norm when it came to traditional funerals, but he didn't care about that, not in this particular case. He just wanted to do what he came for. It was the only way his mind was going to show him some peace about this, about his mother and the guilt he felt for leaving her.

He then stood up again and walked in, one step, two steps and then the third. That was how small the garden house was. His mother was put on a deathbed, one decorated in different kinds of flowers. She was wearing a kimono, an expensive one he was sure. He was also certain she rarely got to wear the ones she had since she was so often hospitalized. It was obvious whom he inherited from the ability to be hospitalized so often. At least one of them was put out of their misery.

What did it feel like…dying? He could ask, but he would receive no answer.

She was gone forever. Maybe he would get to talk to her once he would join afterlife too. He hoped she would forgive him. Would she do that? He read mothers were the ones who would always forgive their children because their maternal love is the strongest love. Was that true? Another question he'd like to ask her.

Did Dazai deserve that? To ask her those questions? To be in her presence? To be forgiven?

He put his hands in his pockets, suddenly unsure what he should do. His brother was standing just outside too, so talking freely to his mother was not an option either.

His fingers found a pen, one he actually bothered to take with him to school today, like the eraser. He took it out, pondered for a moment, finding the idea he had stupid, but wanting to justify this visit somehow and placed it in her folded hands, hidden just so it was out of sight and couldn't easily fall out either once the body would be carried elsewhere.

If she really was watching from somewhere, he hoped she'd understand his silent message.

His father may never have been allowed or wanted to contact him, but the same didn't go for his mother. He wanted her to know he did always want to have been able to talk with her more often. Would things have been different then if his father would've allowed his mother to talk to Dazai?

After that, he bowed once more before leaving the garden house. His brother closed the doors and was about to speak up, but Dazai shook his head.

"Don't try it," he said, eyeing him warily. Another sigh left the other's lips and nodded.

"But, at least take this then." He handed him a visit card. "If you need anything, anything at all, call me."

It was hopeless. Dazai took the card and left without another word.

He was making his way back to the train station, hoping to get back to Yokohama as soon as possible. Walking besides a river, he stopped and forgot about a particular detail. He hadn't thought about it ever since he left Fukuzawa's office. He looked sideways and saw not only his shadow, but the strange ghost too. It was waving at him now, knowing all too well what the emptiness he felt was.

'Are you tired?' It mouthed wordlessly.

Empty, he was just empty, but the ghost didn't mean that kind of tired, not the normal one or even the mental one, but the one where one was tired of life.

'You could ask your mother all the questions you want the answers to.'

He just wanted it to end, not to lead another life. Or would he be reincarnated? The Afterlife? Which was it? Or did it just end? Would there be nothing?

'Don't you want to find out?'

He did.

Dazai walked down the hill, towards the river. No one was near, so he couldn't be stopped, at least from what he saw from here. Without further ado he placed a foot in the water, noting it was deep, so with a small jump he was in the water and swam to the bottom, as far as he could see, that is. There, he remained until his body started screaming for oxygen, which it didn't receive. His lungs started burning, then his body burned and everything blackened.

He woke up in the hospital, surprisingly. No, that was not a surprise, obviously, but waking up to Mori Ougai sitting on the chair next to his bed certainly was a surprise.

With a groan he wanted to turn away from him but his body complained, so he was forced to give up.

"Why did you let me go?" Was his first question with a voice so raspy he was surprised Mori understood what he said.

"I had someone tail you just in case. If I had anyone accompany you, you'd hate me even more and you most likely not have gone in the first place."

"Right, because having someone followed is certainly the next best option."

"It was the most logical solution in this case, Dazai-kun."

Dazai could only stare at him groggily, before another question slipped past his defences. "So as long as someone tailed me and made sure I didn't do anything stupid, you don't care if I visit my blood related family?"

"Of course, you want nothing more than to escape them, after all. I had no right to stop you, no one did."

"Right." He was done asking questions for now.

"Are we in Yokohama?" Or not.

"Yes."

"Can I have my phone?"

"Why?"

"To call Chuuya." He owed him an explanation.