Now that I'm all settled into my new dorm room, and I have my awesome new laptop, I figured I could celebrate by writing the next chapter! And I have been quite looking forward to this chapter. I think it might possibly be my favorite. Now let's hope I don't screw it up. So, onward! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. And apparently my spellchecker doesn't own the word Fullmetal. Yay reteaching spellchecker!
88888888
It was hard. It really was. Feeling so guilty about pushing his job onto someone else, someone who didn't deserve it, but being unable to take control. He was scared. He wanted so badly to take over for Gracia and to become the father Hughes kept telling him he could be, but everytime he almost offered to take over, he would remember the last time. It was just too much.
And so it went for an entire week. Edward would hang nearby Gracia, watching her with Alia, wanting so bad to take the burden away from her, but he could never bring himself to do it. Afterwards, he would go to his room or go outside to sulk. Gracia had long stopped bothering to ask Ed if he wanted to try, and she had never returned the crib to his room. While Hughes may have still had faith in him coming around, she did not.
And it was the disappointment he felt from her and the disappointment he felt in himself that made him continue to cut almost daily. He steadily became more and more paranoid that they would find out, and it would finally be official that he was a failure. He daydreamed about ending up locked away forever in a mental institution and of the jokes Mustang would make about him being so weak. And, finally fed up with caring for what wasn't theirs, the Hughes would send Alia away to live in some orphanage where she would be adopted by a drug addict looking to score some pity points.
It was from one of these daydreams that Edward found himself pulled from on a bright, sunny afternoon by the little voice of Elysia.
"I'm bored!" Elysia whined to her mother who sat on the couch rocking Alia. "Can we go to the park?"
"You know we can't," Gracia responded. "It's still too cold for Alia to stay out so long. I'm sorry."
"But Mommy!"
"Honey, I'm sorry, but we can't."
"But-"
"Elysia!" Gracia finally snapped. Edward cringed. He'd never seen Gracia get angry before, and he somehow knew it was his fault. He was the one grating on her nerves, but it was Elysia who felt it.
Elysia, used to being an only child, used to always getting her way, started to sniffle. She had always been able to go to the park whenever she wanted. She'd never been told no unless she was sick or was too cold for her to go out. And she had expected a no those times.
"I'm sorry dear," Gracia said, her voice once more in check, and it was then that Edward noticed just how tired Gracia looked.
"It's not fair," Elysia pouted.
Edward's eyes shifted to the ground. He didn't know if Elysia knew he was in the room, but he knew Gracia did. She had looked right at him, but her eyes told him she didn't expect him to offer to take Alia. It was her job. Edward himself knew he wouldn't offer. He couldn't. But…maybe there was something he could do, even if it was just a little thing, to help.
"I…" Edward started, his voice a little shaky. He hadn't spoken much lately, and his voice was already feeling the disuse. Gracia glanced up. He probably imagined it, but he could have sworn the look on her face was daring him to say more. "I could…take Elysia to the park."
Gracia's eyes widened in shock. The thought had never even crossed her mind. She glanced at Elysia who had immediately stopped crying. "How's that, Elysia? Would you like to go to the park with Ed?"
Elysia glanced from her mother to Ed and back again, her thought process clearly written on her face. She obviously would have rather gone with her mother, but she also knew that it was Ed or nothing. A big grin swept across her face. "Yeah!"
"Then let's go get your jacket on," Edward said trying to show his responsibility. He could tell the idea of him taking Elysia to the park alone didn't thrill Gracia, but she also knew it would make Elysia happy.
"Be back in time for dinner," Gracia said before she changed her mind.
"We will," Edward answered as he started leading Elysia toward the door to put on her jacket.
"Stay safe," Gracia added almost as a whisper.
Edward stopped but couldn't bring his eyes up from the carpet. He knew Gracia's belief in him had run out, and it seemed almost insulting for him to reassure her. He simply nodded and left it at that.
88888
Edward sat on a bench with his chin in his palm as he watched Elysia play in the sandbox. She seemed to be trying to take advantage of everything the park had to offer before it was time to go. She had started on the four square court playing with three other children and moved around the park in a circle with the group before heading to the sandbox where she now sat away from them.
A young girl, Elysia's age, walked up to Elysia with a bucket and seemed to be offering to help her build something, but Elysia simply shrugged her away and continued to play by herself. Edward narrowed his eyes as this continued with three other children before Elysia was the only one left in the sandbox.
Ed glanced toward the sky. It was getting late, and he had been about to call her back so they could head home for dinner, but he quickly made another decision. He made his way toward the sandbox and sat down on the wooden edge closest to her. She only briefly glanced up. Once there, Ed realized he had no idea what to say.
"Didn't feel like playing with the other kids?" he asked dumbly.
"No," Elysia answered.
They sat in awkward silence, Elysia dumping sand on an unidentifiable sculpture, and Edward drumming his fingers on his knee.
"Is something wrong?" Ed suddenly found himself asking. Elysia stopped mid-scoop. As she glanced down toward the sand, Ed found himself thinking she looked so much older than she really was.
Another long moment of silence went by. It only barely registered in Edward's mind the first snow of the season was beginning to fall. He made no move to clear the snow from Elysia's hair or his own and simply waited for her to answer.
He suddenly noticed that Elysia was staring off at something toward the edge of the park. He glanced over and saw a young duck walking across the ground. It looked like it wasn't even old enough to fly, but it was alone.
"I feel like that bird," Elysia said.
Edward glanced back at her. "How so?"
"I got left behind too."
Edward looked taken aback, and he had no idea how to respond. Elysia locked eyes with him.
"Does Mommy still like me?"
"What?" Edward gasped, his senses flying back to him. "Of course she does. Why would you ask that?"
"Does she like Alia more?"
Edward bit his lip. He didn't know what to do. He felt tears form behind his eyes but immediately shoved them back. Tears were not what Elysia needed. He had to say something, and fast, even if he had to completely bullshit his way through it.
"It's not that she likes Alia more," he started, "it's just…well…babies need a lot of attention. You can feed yourself, right?"
"Yes," Elysia said softly.
"And you can dress yourself, right?"
"Yes."
"Well, babies can't. They can't do anything on their own. All they can do is cry to let someone know they need something, but they can't do anything about it. They need someone to feed them, to change them, to dress them. Everything. They take a lot of love and care to be able to grow up smart and healthy like you. You were once the same, and your mom did everything for you."
Elysia looked thoughtful as she absorbed the information.
"What about Daddy?" she finally asked.
"He loves you too. And he's cared for you just as much as your mom. He's away at work a lot, but he does it so he can care for you because he loves you."
"And you're Alia's daddy, right?"
"...Yes."
"Do you love her?"
Edward's lip twitched. Tears stung at his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He tore his gaze away from Elysia's and stood up forcefully. "We should be getting back. Dinner's probably ready."
Elysia studied his face a moment longer before also standing up. "I hope we have ham. I like ham," she said not a hint of joy in her voice.
"Yeah, ham is good," Edward answered in the same tone.
And together they walked in silence through the snow.
88888888
So I managed not to mess that one up. There was a lot of idea bouncing between me, my friend, and my roommate to make sure I got it right. I hope I made someone cry. That was my goal. Only in writing can you have the goal to make someone cry and it not be a bad thing. So, I hope you liked it. A climatic chapter is next time! So…
Until next time!
Equivalent Exchange: I write, you review.
