I didn't know what to do. I loved him, but how could I love a child murderer. But I did, there was no question and I didn't have a choice. I would go back to him. So I tried to make amendments as best as I knew. I went to the family of the boy. I gave them my condolence and offered to send the girls as handmaids and the boys as servants to my father's castle. When they asked why I would do that I had trouble looking them in the eye as I said "Because I love your son's murderer." I was glad I brought one of my father's soldiers with me. I didn't know how they would react to that. They did ask me to leave but told me they would let me know about my offer. The next day they accepted and I did as I promised.
I hadn't gone to dine with Sandor for the last two days, because I hadn't been able to face him quite yet. But today I was ready. I went to his tent. He was already in his cups and quite drunk. When he saw me he scowled "What do you want? Aren't you done yet with your pious hypocritical talk? I thought you wanted nothing to do with me anymore."
He sure wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
"Yet here I am." I said softly with a small smile. I held out my hand to him. "Please Sandor, walk with me."
He loved it when she said his name. She said it so softly that it was almost a caress. He didn't want to go, didn't want to hear what she had to say. His own accusations were bad enough. But he couldn't say no to her. And she did smile, could there still be hope? No, he mustn't think that. He was a monster, he had killed a boy and yelled at her. But he had to go with her anyways.
Sandor tried to get up. He was so drunk that he reeled and had to put a hand on my shoulder to balance himself. "Damn it, too much wine." We walked away from the camp into the night in silence. When we were far enough he turned to me and spat, "Say what you came for and be done with it. I want to be back to my wine."
I smiled, I knew he still thought I was mad at him. I touched his arm. "Sandor, it was the hardest test by far you put me through, but I passed it. I came back to you and I mean to stay" I took his other hand. "Yes, I wish you hadn't killed the boy, I wish you would have let him escape or taken him captive. But I…" I couldn't say it right then "I like you and if I have to take the bad with the good, I will." And I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him.
He was too astonished to say anything. He could hardly move. His whole body got rigid afraid that if he moved one muscle it would all turn out to be a dream and she would dissolve into thin air or worse tell him how bad he was after all. He just couldn't believe she still liked him.
He pulled away. He cupped my chin with his hand and made me look up at his face. "Are you sure?" I could see his doubt on his face.
I kissed him, "Yes, I'm sure" I said smilingly. He searched my face as if he wanted to find a lie, but he must have liked what he saw.
He sighed, "My little angel" He held me close and kissed my hair "I don't deserve that."
"Some things can't be deserved or earned, they are given to you freely and unconditionally." I kissed his cheek and his mouth again. I wanted to tell him that I loved him but I could feel he wasn't ready for that yet. His doubt was still too strong.
He didn't know what to think. He wanted to believe her but couldn't yet. It was too much.
He pulled away soon. "I'll take you to your tent". I was a little disappointed I wanted to spend more time with him, but I went nevertheless. He escorted me to my tent as usually. When he said good night he kissed the top of my head again and I kissed his cheek. But I didn't feel as happy as normally. I wanted to be with him. He was still in a glooming mood. I wanted to know what he was thinking and to console him, to brighten his mood. I watched him walk away. When I realized he wasn't going back to his tent but to the woods, I decided to follow him. He was already quite far away and his strides were much longer. I had to hurry not to loose him. Twice I lost sight of him, but I was lucky and spotted him again. When he went into the woods, I ran to not loose him again. It took me a while to find him. He was sitting on a tree trunk, staring in the air.
He was confused. He had been so certain that he had lost her and then she had come back. He kept hearing her, "I mean to stay… I like you… I will take the bad with the good… Some things are given freely and unconditionally" It had felt true and good. He wanted to believe. She had come back. But he was so convinced he wasn't worth it. He had killed the boy and so many more. He had wanted to be a true knight as a child and he hated what he had become a bitter mockery of his ideals just like his face was a mockery. He was so full of self-loathing and pain he had to drain it all in wine. "I like you" He heard again. And then he heard something else a twig or some leaves he turned around and there she was. Like a dream. He couldn't believe she had come back for him.
He turned around and looked at me in wonder. I came closer. "I will leave if you tell me to." He shook his head slowly still looking at me as if he couldn't believe I was there. "Please will you tell me what you are thinking?"
"I can't" he rasped, "not yet. I don't dare, yet".
"Okay, then I won't say a word. I just want to be with you." He started to make room for me on the trunk. But I sat down in front of him, between his legs and rested my head against his leg.
"No, you can sit on my coat" with that he moved down so that I could lean against him, sitting on his coat, feeling his breathing. He wrapped his arms around me and I laid my head on his chest. True to my word I didn't say anything and closed my eyes, feeling warm and safe close to him.
Now he could hardly think at all, least of all of his faults. He felt her whole body against his, her head against his chest, his arms on her body, her hands in his. He didn't dare to move. He could feel her breathing and smell her hair. He felt her warmth against his skin and her fragility compared to him. For a long time he just felt, without thinking anything. She had fallen asleep fast, trusting him. Every time he moved as much as a muscle, he could feel her a new and he would feel butterflies again. Finally her warmth and her trust in him quenched his doubts. She was there with him, cuddled up against him, trusting him so much she fell asleep in the woods. She did mean it, she cared for him. She came back. He let that feeling wash through him and for the first time in a long, long time he started to feel at peace. He held her, watched her, listened to her breathing and felt good.
I didn't know how long I had been asleep, when Sandor woke me. "I'm sorry, but I need to get up." Sleepy I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Sandor got up and went into the woods. When he came back he muttered, "Too much wine". He leaned down to me and kissed me before he pulled me gently up "It's quite late, you are tired. I'll take you to your tent, little angel." I could see that he must have come to a conclusion. His eyes and his face were calmer and he seemed more at peace. He smiled. I was tired so I let him lead me back. At my tent he kissed me on the cheek "Good night, little angel." I stood on my toes and pulled his head down, I kissed him on his burned side and whispered in his ear "I love you, Sandor", before I went into my tent and to bed.
She had said it. He was sure, he had heard it. Could hear it still. "I love you". It felt like fire in him, but this was a good fire. She had said it. He had only dreamt about it, never really believed it. But now she had said it "I love you" and he could believe it. Now he trusted her.
