Here it is folks, the final part of the Sugarless Gum Saga. I hope you're ready for the exciting conclusion. Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.
Chapter 7: Sugarless Gum: Part 4.
I am sitting on the floor of my Great-Uncle Gumbald's Cabin.
My New Kingdom.
It has been approximately one hundred and sixty-eight hours since the GCOR stripped me of my station and sent me into permanent exile, and so far, my new life has been truly awful.
On my first day here, I decided to try and make the best of things. To that end, I got out my trusty pen and notepad, and started making a list of everything I need to do to make this place presentable. By the time I got to page twenty-seven my emotions finally got the best of me and I cried myself to sleep.
On day two, I discovered what was making that horrible smell. It seems that I left a carton of milk out the last time I was here. Evidently if you leave milk out for twelve years it turns rancid and then explodes. I went out to buy cleaning products, only to discover that I have almost no money left. So instead I bought a scented candle. Now my cabin smells like the world's worst smelling bordello.
On day three, I managed to get the roof repaired. It literally took me all day, but I did it. My Glob, I felt so amazing. For one brief and shining moment I felt like I could do anything. Then I turned just slightly to the left and caught a glimpse of the Candy Kingdom. I cried myself to sleep again that night.
On day four, I began to wonder just how things could've gotten so bad. So on day five, I forced myself into a deep meditative trance which allowed me to relive all of the defining moments of my life; starting from when I first emerged from the Mother Gum with my brother Neddy.
It was an intense experience, so much so that I had to take several breaks throughout the session just to keep myself from crumbling under the emotional strain. But it was well worth it. For now, I have absolute clarity. Now I am certain that what I've suspected all along is true.
My life is nothing but one big joke.
I mean think about it.
I was born from the Mother Gum, an entity composed of a substance designed specifically to be thrown away and forgotten, and yet I endeavored to leave my mark on this brave new world.
So I worked for years, centuries even, to make my dream a reality.
I built a kingdom from nothing.
I created an entirely new race out of sugar.
And working together, we turned my kingdom into the most powerful nation in all of Ooo.
And what's my reward for all that hard work?
To be booted out of my own kingdom.
To be branded a menace by an institution I helped create.
To be forced to sit here and wallow in self-pity while that traitor Cinnamon Bun and his teen bride play footsie in my palace.
And don't even get me started on my love life.
Oh yes… I am indeed the universe's favorite chew toy.
Anyway, my memories finally caught up with the present a few minutes ago and it would seem that while I was strolling down memory lane, a certain someone decided to stroll right into my cabin.
"Hello Bonnie." The intruder says to me; clearly trying to sound polite.
"Hello, Your Majesty." I reply mockingly. "If you've come to dance on my grave, I'm afraid you're a little early. But please, feel free to come back next week."
"That's not gonna work, Bonnie. Not this time." The Vampire Queen says sternly. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Fine." I say listlessly. "Do whatever you want."
"Thank you." She replies politely. "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
"Whatever." I answer hollowly, as she calmly takes her place beside me.
"So… I guess you already know why I'm here, huh?"
"Yeah, and like I told you last week, I don't need your charity."
"Well, you don't exactly have a lot of other options, Bonnie." The Vampire Queen replies, her tone as annoyingly imperious as ever. "Face it, you need a job. And thanks to BP's smear campaign, I'm the only one who'll hire you."
"So what? I should just swallow what's left of my dignity and spend the rest of my life as your Slave Girl?"
"Assistant, Bonnie. You'd be my assistant. And it's not like I'd make you do anything humiliating; just organize my schedule and run a few errands for me."
"Oh… I see. So basically, you want to turn me into the Vampire Kingdom's Cinnamon Bun. Well, thanks but no thanks, Your Majesty!"
"Ugh! What is wrong with you?" she says in exasperation. "I'm offering you a paying job and a new home. Why won't you just except it?"
"Because I don't need a job and I already have a home!"
"You mean this crappy shack? Newsflash Bonnie! Your so-called home is on the outskirts of the Candy Kingdom. As in the place you're no longer welcome. And when Flame Queen figures out that you're here, she's gonna be pissed."
"I don't care! My Uncle built this cabin with his own two hands! I grew up here! I'm not just going to abandon it!" I shout at her defiantly. "And besides, no one ever comes to this part of the Kingdom. Few people even know it exists. I could spend the rest of my life here and Queen Flame-Butt would probably never notice."
"Yeah… I hate to break it to you, but not only does Phoebe know about this place, she plans on turning this whole area into a Fire Wolf Sanctuary as soon as she's done restructuring your old government. And what do you think she'll do if she finds you squatting here?"
"Just let her try to kick me out."
"Kick you out? Bonnie, she'll be within her rights to kill you!"
"Then I'll die defending this shack!"
"Do you have any idea how crazy you sound? You're talking about throwing your life away."
"It's my life! I can do what I want with it!"
SLAP!
I feel a sudden sharp pain run through my right cheek, as my head is forcibly turned to the left.
I have just been slapped.
And quite hard too.
I turn my head back to look at my assailant and… Oh Glob!
Suddenly my mind and body feel totally paralyzed.
"Listen very carefully." Marceline says to me, her voice calm yet overwhelmingly terrifying. "I am now your Queen. You will not speak or move unless I give you leave. Nod once if you understand."
I nod once.
Oh my Glob! This is bad! This is very, very, very bad!
She's using the Queen's Eye technique.
Now I'm completely under her control.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe she would do this to me!
The last time she used this technique it was on that sleaze ball Ash, and now he's splitting a rubber room with the King of Ooo.
"Good. Now shut up and listen." She says commandingly. "You know damn well how much I hate this power, and how much it sickens me whenever I use it. So the fact that I'm using it right now just so I can talk to you, should tell you how serious this is."
Even if I could argue I wouldn't.
She makes a very convincing case.
"Bonnie, do you know what the worst thing about you is? It's the fact that you never stop to think about how your actions effect other people; especially the ones who love you. Now you may have lost your Kingdom, but you still have people who care about you. Do you know how awful they'd feel if they heard you'd been torched by a bunch of Flame Guards? Do you have any idea what that would do to Finn, or Jake, or Lady, or Me!"
What?
"Yeah, that's right! You heard me! In spite of everything, there's still a part of me that cares for you! And that's why I can't just leave you to die in this squalor! So please, for once in your life, let go of your stupid pride and move in with me!"
Suddenly, my heart begins to race.
All rational thought has ceased.
"Oh… right, you can speak freely now."
The invisible vice constricting my mouth suddenly dissipates.
"You… you mean you… you still lo…"
"Yes." She answers bluntly. "But don't read too much into it. I'm married now. And I intend to stay that way for the rest of eternity. So don't get any ideas."
"No, it's not that. I just…" I pause for a moment, considering my next words carefully. "I just needed to know. That's all."
"Oh… well… now you do." She replies, before turning her gaze away from me. "So… are you gonna accept the job or not?"
"I… I'm not sure." I reply sullenly, still unable to move. "I mean; I know I can never go back to the Candy Kingdom. And I know I can't stay here. It's just…. If I leave this place, if I become your assistant… it'll be like admitting defeat. Admitting that… it's over."
Suddenly I feel something very warm and familiar wrap around me.
Marceline is hugging me.
OH. MY. GLOB!
"Bonnie… it is over." She says, suddenly sounding much warmer and more sympathetic. "But that's just the way the world is. It's always changing. But that's not always bad. I mean, when I first met Finn and Jake, they were just a couple of goofballs looking for adventure. Now Jake has five kids, and Finn's almost a man. And from what Pakhet's been telling me, things are getting pretty dang serious between them."
"What's your point?"
"My point is that if those two goofs can find happiness after all they've been through, then so can you." She says, in a way that kinda makes me want to cry. "And besides, you won't have to go through this alone. Like I said, you've got me, and Lady, and Finn, and Jake. Heck, even Nikki wants to help you."
"She does?" I ask dubiously.
"Yup." Marceline replies, her tone suddenly turning mischievous. "In fact, she wants to have a little word with you as soon as we get back to the Palace. In private~"
XXX
I am standing in a large room in the Vampire Kingdom Royal Palace.
My new home for the foreseeable future.
The air around me is thick with exotic perfumes and sitar music.
Before me, sitting atop a massive mound of ornate throw pillows, is Nikki, the Vampire Princess; dressed, as always, like an exotic belly dancer.
I must admit, I'm rather nervous.
I've never actually spoken to her before, so I have no idea what to expect.
Oh well, nothing ventured and all that junk.
"Um… Your Majesty… I… AAAK!"
Suddenly she's standing right in front of me.
Her left hand is squeezing my throat like a vice.
She's a lot faster and stronger than I expected.
But I guess I shouldn't be surprised, she's got Marcy's venom pumping through her after all.
"So… You're the naughty little girl who broke my Poopsie's heart." She says to me as she tightens her grip on my windpipe. "You know, if I were ten thousand years younger, I'd fill your lungs with sea water until they burst."
Oh good, she's a lot crazier than I expected too.
Fan-Freaking-Tastic.
"Fortunately for you, I'm not, so I won't." she says, before releasing her grip and dropping me on the floor like a sack of potatoes. "Let's get one thing straight, I don't like you. But your happiness is important to my Marcy Poo, so that means it's important to me. And that's the only reason I'm giving you this offer."
"Yes… I understand… and I'm very grateful to have this job."
"I'm not talking about the assistant job." She interrupts me, before sitting back down on her throne of plush. "That's yours no matter what. I'm talking about this. This moment. And my onetime offer to help fix what's wrong with you."
"I… I don't understand."
"It's like this, as Princess, my main job is to help my Shnookums relax after a long day of ruling the Kingdom. And depending on the day, that can mean anything from cuddling and foot rubs to… well, other activities."
"Okay… but what does that have to do with me?"
"It's simple. For one day only, my dear sweet Honey Poo, has given me permission to offer those special services to you."
Realization suddenly dawns on me, and my face begins to heat up like a furnace.
"I… I… I see. And… how exactly will that fix what's wrong with me?"
"The way I see it, your biggest problem is that you've got over eight hundred years' worth of emotional gunk messing up your brain. And if there's one thing I know how to do, it's getting little Repressy Bessies to open up."
"And… that will help me?"
"Well… it won't fix everything, but at the very least, a few hours of fun will help you forget about the lousy week you've been having."
"I… I see."
"Good. So what's it gonna be? Like I said, this is a onetime only offer."
"I… I suppose I could give it a shot." I reply, not believing that those words just came out of my mouth.
"Good girl~" she purrs sensually, as her eyes beckon me forward. "Now come on over here, Bubbles. And let's see if I can make you pop."
Mesmerized, I take several steps toward the azure goddess, only to stop less than a foot away from her.
"Wait, are you sure this is gonna work?"
"Marcy cried for twenty minutes after her first night with me."
Oh… Oh my word.
This could be very intense.
I'm not sure I have the stamina for this sort of thing.
No! That's just my nerves talking.
But that's understandable. It has been quite a while after all.
I can do this.
I just have to remember, I use to do this all the time with Marceline.
I mean, how different could it be, right?
"By the way, which do you prefer, tickling or spanking?"
Eeep.
End Notes:
Well that's the end of this arc. Don't know what I'm gonna write next. Most likely something involving either Finn or Jake. Oh well, see you in the next chapter. Peace.
