Reiner had felt that something was wrong with Bertholdt, and his behavior this evening had confirmed that suspicion. All week, Bertholdt had behaved oddly. He showed no desire to cook, instead choosing to live off a diet of rice and bread with Nutella. Whenever Reiner addressed him, Bertholdt immediately began playing with the hospital bracelet, still on his right wrist. Initially Reiner thought that Bertholdt's brush with death had been troubling him, and that he still wore the bracelet had only solidified that thought.
But when Annie had left and they'd retired to bed, Bertholdt had insisted that he wanted to sleep on the couch. On an average Friday, the twain retired to their room, where they would spoon, and kiss, and pull off whatever clothes were remaining. That Bertholdt chose not to sleep by Reiner's side was an obvious sign that Bertholdt did not trust Reiner. Reflecting back, Bertholdt had seemed uncomfortable sharing their bed all week; Bertholdt had stiffened or trembled whenever Reiner made any attempt at giving his boyfriend physical affection.
It felt as though Annie had smacked him across the face with one of her powerful backhanded hits—whatever anxiety Bertholdt was feeling, it was directed at Reiner. Something had come between him and the love of his life, and for the second Friday in a row, Reiner felt absolutely terrified.
His heart sick, Reiner strode into the bedroom he should be sharing with Bertholdt. Was it possible? He admitted to himself that he had not been careful in hiding it away, and with shaking hands, Reiner rustled through his sock drawer. Nothing.
This must be what it feels like to be Bertl, Reiner thought in a panicked haze. Did he burst back into the common space and confront Bertholdt about what he'd found in Reiner's sock drawer? He found himself seeking out Annie's phone number, and with clumsy fingers, he typed a message to her.
"Annie, I'm scared. Bertl's been acting off all week. I think he found the engagement ring I hid in my sock drawer."
Within seconds, he got a response. "Why? Is it missing?"
"Yes. I think he took it and has been too scared to confront me."
"No, he didn't take it. I did. If you want it back, you'll come to my studio."
Reiner bit his tongue to keep himself from cursing aloud and waking Bertholdt. He was furious with Annie. He knew too well that she could be rude, and a manipulative jerk, but he never expected her to snoop through his things or steal from him. Fuming, he pulled on a jacket and slipped his feet into his loafers. He sent one last text off to Annie. "Fuck you. I'll be there in 20 minutes."
He took one last peek into the apartment to make sure Bertholdt was still asleep before he slipped out and turned the key in the lock. The night was brisk, but still early— frat boys and sorority girls were just beginning to come out of the woodwork, either hitting up the bars or throwing parties in their houses. He could hear dull techno music thudding from three blocks away, as if he needed a headache to accompany his nausea and his heartache.
The cold late-October wind cut through Reiner as he walked down the 45th Avenue viaduct, the lights of U Village twinkling at him, a strong contrast to the yawning, black expanse of Lake Washington. It would have been a breathtaking sight, if Reiner had been able to appreciate it. Instead he found himself completely preoccupied with the conversation that awaited him in Annie's studio.
She was waiting for him in the courtyard outside the apartment building, a small, velvet-covered black box in her hand. "Do you want this back?" she asked, scanning Reiner with her cold blue eyes.
"Yes. Why the fuck did you take it?" Reiner growled, the anger he felt at Annie's theft returning to the surface.
"I took it because I knew if I had it, you'd confront me," Annie replied simply. "I wanted to know how serious you are."
"I bought an engagement ring on my already very tight budget, after having paid an insane amount for Benadryl, epinephrine, and a hospital bed." Reiner crossed his arms. "I'm pretty serious."
"You sure you didn't just do it because you were scared?" Annie sat down on a bench. Reiner gave in and sat down next to her.
"I… I've been thinking about getting married to Bertholdt for a while," Reiner confessed. "We've dated for a long time. Two years in the Gymnasium. Another two years of college. This is our fifth year together, and I—"
"It's a big commitment, Reiner," Annie reminded him sternly.
"You don't need to tell me," Reiner snapped back. "I know that already. But it's a commitment I'm ready to make."
"Why'd you buy the ring after Bertholdt's hospital visit, if you've been set on this for so long?" Annie gave him a pointed stare. She was asking difficult questions, and Reiner could not help but wonder if Bertholdt put her up to interrogating him. "Are you sure it wasn't something you did in the heat of the moment?"
"I never knew that Bertholdt was so deathly allergic. With that revelation, I knew I needed to say my vows. I have to protect him for the rest of our lives," Reiner explained, unable to look Annie in the eye. He stared down his brown loafers instead. "I can't really explain why I knew. Maybe I am just scared. But… It's not like Bertholdt and I would get married right away. I'm not even sure if we could get married here in the States. But I want to make that commitment. If I still can, that is." The image of Bertholdt, curled up on the couch and all alone, snuck back into his mind. Reiner put his head in his hands, feeling incredible pain at the prospect of losing Bertholdt's love.
"You made a mistake in saying anything about getting married at the hospital," Annie confirmed, leaning back to look up at the cloudy night sky.
"How? It wasn't even a proposal." Reiner shot Annie a confused glance.
"No, it wasn't. Were you going to propose?" Annie shot him a scrutinizing look in return.
"I… don't know. I was just so happy to see him alive," Reiner answered. "I probably wouldn't have really proposed, though. As I said in the hospital, I didn't have a ring or anything to make it official."
Annie sighed softly. "Bertholdt thinks you were going to propose, and I stopped you."
Reiner took in a sharp breath. "Bertholdt told you? I didn't think he remembered that. He was so discombobulated by the epinephrine."
"Yes, he remembered what you said. He felt like you were using the moment to your advantage," Annie replied. "In his medicated state, he could not have properly refused you. He was grateful that I stepped in and saved him from consenting to marriage while he was compromised. It reminded him a lot of his father."
Reiner was silent for a while; he felt completely broadsided. That had never been his intent— from the day he became Bertholdt's friend, from the day that Reiner knew that he loved Bertholdt, he had inwardly made the promise that he would be a safe place. It was a promise that both he and Annie had made, especially when the trio decided that they would attend school in the States. But now he'd broken that promise. If he couldn't keep his promises, how could he keep a marriage vow?
"I swear to God, I didn't even think of that," Reiner finally said. "I just was so overjoyed, so glad he was alive and going to be okay. I am not anything like his father… I would never have played that situation to my advantage. It's just, in moments when it seems like something will be taken away from you, you realize its value? That's how I felt. In the moments I was seriously afraid Bertholdt would die, I knew how much he means to me."
Annie nodded, quietly passing the little box to Reiner. He stashed it in his pocket gratefully, his initial anger with Annie gone. "I know how you felt. That's how I felt, too," Annie admitted. "Bertholdt's not my boyfriend, but you two, you're my best friends. I thought of him dying, and it nearly made me cry. My heart felt sick at the prospect of that loss."
"What do I do now?" Reiner asked, staring up at the sky.
"You need to explain to Bertholdt everything that you explained to me." Annie yawned slightly. "You need to tell him that you were not trying to force his hand, and that you're sorry. I don't know if it'll heal all wounds. Our Bertholdt is not quick to trust, but he might make an exception for you. He loves you."
"I hope he makes an exception for me…" Reiner said sadly as he got up from the bench and stretched. He felt very cold now, and he shivered slightly as the wind kicked up. "I should go home."
"Let me know how it goes," Annie said in farewell, disappearing back into her apartment building.
The house parties were still roaring on Greek Row as Reiner passed. This was the perfect time to be mugged, he knew, but somehow that did not worry him. Instead, he felt new apprehension gnawing at his gut as he made his way back home. He was worried that despite everything, his relationship with Bertholdt was damaged beyond repair.
Reiner arrived back at the apartment to find Bertholdt sitting in the dark, a cup of tea in his hands. "It's lonely out here on the couch," Reiner heard his boyfriend mutter. He glanced at the tea kettle. There was hot water in it, and next to the kettle was a mug with a bag of Reiner's favorite chamomile tea set aside. Reiner felt his eyes tear up; Bertholdt didn't trust him, but he still loved Reiner, and it made Reiner's heart ache. He rubbed his eyes before pouring himself a cup of tea and sitting down on the couch next to Bertholdt.
"Where did you go?" Bertholdt asked softly. "I woke back up and found you gone from the apartment."
"I went to Annie's. She and I needed to talk." Reiner shifted uncomfortably.
"I see…" Bertholdt sipped at his own peppermint tea.
"Bertholdt, I'm really sorry for what happened at the hospital. What I said, about needing a ring— I didn't mean it as a prelude to anything. I wasn't going to propose. I was just overcome with emotion… I was so happy that you were alive. I didn't realize that my words or actions could be seen as manipulative." Reiner snuck a glance over at Bertholdt, to gauge his reaction.
Bertholdt was staring at his bare feet. "So you didn't seize the opportunity to use me?" he asked, cautious optimism in his voice.
"Never. I would never do something like that to you," Reiner said forcefully. "Annie is right. I'm better than your father. I know that you don't ever deserve to be taken advantage of. You're not a means to my end, you are always an end in your own right. Even if you don't always think so." There was nothing else he could say, he realized. The only thing he could do was wait for Bertholdt.
"That means a lot to me," Bertholdt finally said, his green eyes meeting Reiner's hazel ones.
"You mean a lot to me," Reiner replied, daring to smile slightly. "My relationship with you is the most valuable thing in my life."
"More valuable than playing for Germany in the World Cup?" Bertholdt asked critically, giving Reiner a small frown.
"Far more. Playing in the World Cup means nothing if you're not in the crowd, cheering me on." Reiner sighed. "I just hope you can forgive me." He attempted to stifle a yawn, and failed. "I'm going to bed, Bertholdt. See you in the morning."
Wearily, Reiner trudged into his bedroom, stripping down to his underwear before slipping between the sheets. It felt empty without Bertholdt snuggled up next to him, wearing an old baggy t-shirt. Bertholdt always slept oddly, so much that, back when they lived in the cluster, their friends joked that they could use his sleeping positions to predict the weather. Reiner tried to force those thoughts out of his mind. It just made his heart ache.
Reiner thought he was a sound sleeper in contrast to Bertholdt, but he found himself awake again in the middle of the night. The digits on his alarm clock glared 3:28. He rolled over to see Bertholdt across from him, his boyfriend's mouth slightly agape as he slept. Unable to contain his incredible joy, Reiner leaned over to kiss the curve of Bertholdt's nose, before shutting his eyes again.
