AN: Please not this is the second update for today... if you haven't read Part 6, then you are missing out a crap load and this wont make as much sense.
TYK
Sunday 24th June 2011 20:16
My name is David Karofsky, I am 17 years old, gay and two days ago I lost it.
If you listen to my mother tell it, I had an 'incident'; my father tells it a little different, according to him I experienced a 'psychotic episode'.
I prefer the term lost it, it still has a fairly ambiguous meaning, but call it what you may; I was still the one who carved 'FAG' into my own thigh. If that doesn't qualify as losing it, fuck knows what does.
Well what do you know? I've lasted a whole five minutes without bursting into tears, whether it is from guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, fear or the whole situation I don't know.
When I woke up, screaming like a ban-sidhe, all I could see was the fear on mom's face, all I wanted to do was to crawl into her arms, but both of us were petrified of the other. I couldn't move and mom wouldn't. Mom now knows I'm gay and she's freaked.
BUT, all she asked me was this, "Do you really love him that much Davey?" her words were soft and gentle, but they seemed to carry the sadness of the ages as they fell from her lips.
I got all choked up and practically bawled out that yes I do, I love him so much and all I've done is hurt him.
That's when I got scooped up in her arms and we both finally cried like babes.
Maybe that is what I needed all along, someone to know, but still be there for me regardless.
It won't be easy, mom said that she doesn't understand, but she loves me the same as she did before, that it was for her to learn to accept… no, that's not the word she used… it was for her to learn that it made no difference, that to accept something is to indicate a point of difference and to her it will not make a difference, but to please give her time to adjust.
Mom point blank said that she and my father will both fuck it up occasionally. Mom was honest enough with me to admit everything that went through her head… the good and the bad.
Trust me, the bad really fucking hurt, kind of an opposite extremes sort of deal.
I still haven't talked to dad yet… that kind of scares me shitless.
See, my old man is a shrink, he deals with this sort of situation every day, but it seems I am the exception to that rule. I don't know if he feels guilty 'cos he should have seen this coming or if he feels he can't deal with it once it hits homes and not just people who pay him the big bucks. All I know is that it will be one conversation that I am not looking forward to.
Ok, why did I do it seems to be the big question on everyone's lips. Can I honestly say I don't know why exactly? I know I am depressed, this by the way has been clinically confirmed, but I wasn't thinking of suicide. I just hurt and I don't know how to let it out any other way.
Why did I carve FAG on my leg? Well shit you're the shrink… you tell me… classic Freudian.
What am I scared of?
Fuck… where do I start? Kurt. He terrifies the living crap out of me, how he makes me feel, how he makes me act (I know it is I who makes me act that way, but it is still linked). I am scared of never being able to come out; I am scared of coming out… I am so fucking scared of being scared enough to off myself like those guys last year at college.
I mean, FUCK… If I'm this afraid at high school; then these guys who are in college who are still so scared shitless, that they kill themselves. What fucking hope I have I fucking got for the rest of my fucking life?
But most of all, I am afraid I will never be myself again.
I remember my dream when mom was sitting next to me before I woke up. My fucked up mind took the one thing that I hold dear and twisted it into a cruel parody of my dearest hopes. It wasn't Kurt's voice egging me on; it was my own thoughts in Kurt's voice that drove me over the edge.
I mean, think about it; I bullied, assaulted, threatened his life and I kissed him. I know I love Kurt, but I don't think I care enough about myself to ever be good enough for him.
So yeah, I'm fucked up in the head enough to know that I can't deal with being gay, but I crave that intimacy. I want to be Kurt's fuck toy, I can probably pull off being a muscle bear, you know the ones who look of big and tough, but play with their nipples and they beg to be fucked.
Hey, don't judge, I've seen enough porn to know that this is not uncommon at all, I've also seen enough porn where twinks throw the most wicked of fucks that the big daddy Muscle Mary's can't take it anymore.
So you can sort of see my predicament, on one hand I am terrified of being seen as gay and on the other I dream of being banged by the campest twink at school.
Fuck… if you only knew how long it has taken me to write this… I can't keep doing this to myself.
Writing all this shit out hurts, it fucking hurts so much. I have to stop every few lines so I can get control of myself.
I am sick and tired of having to do shit how everyone else thinks I should.
Fuck you shrink, you're not even queer… what the fuck could you know?
Fuck you McKinley High, I'm gay, what you going to do about it?
Fuck you Kurt Hummel… I love you, deal with it!
'Cos, I need help here… I'm going fucking insane.
Why does everything have to hurt so much?
