AN: There won't be an update next Wednesday because I'm going to be MIA, but regular updates will continue next Saturday! Longer chapter today as a sorry.


Delphine is roused by the feelings of fingertips softly tracing the top of her hand. She can feel Cosima next to her before she sees her, her eyes remaining closed. Delphine is aware of a pillow beneath her head and a blanket draped across her. Delphine feels a pang of guilt in her stomach, Cosima had taken care of her while she slept even after she had shouted at her.

"Je suis désolée." she whispers, her voice cracking through her raw throat. She opens her hazel eyes, met with Cosima's dark brown. Cosima's face is blotchy, her eyes red from crying. She hadn't even bothered with eyeliner, her face completely bare.

"Vraiment. I am so sorry. I was out of line an-"

Cosima sniffles before saying "I know. I am too. I just... didn't want to hurt you."

A heavy silence weighs on the room, both of them afraid to acknowledge the weight in the room. Delphine turns her hand over underneath Cosima's, tracing her nautilus tattoo. She brushes against the flimsy plastic band around Cosima's wrist, guilt sinking lower into her gut. They sit in silence for as long as it's humanly bearable. Cosima is the first to break the quiet.

"It's cancer." she says quietly.

Delphine's chest feels cold, numb. Her mouth falls open, but she doesn't know what to say. She's been stunned into silence. Delphine didn't know that silence could hurt like this. Now she knows, silence can be immobilizing, chilling, gut-churning and horrifying. She rises so that they're both sitting cross legged, knees touching. Her shoulder throbs painfully as she pushes herself up.

Cosima clears her throat, nodding with a tight grimace.

"So uh... do you want to hear the whole story?" Cosima asks.

Delphine nods, still unable to find her voice.

Cosima takes a deep breath.

"So, I got the results of the first scan two days afterwards. They said that the seizure and blood were just an enzyme imbalance, no big there. It wouldn't have affected me as much as it did without the other thing...They also said that there was some buildup in the fork of my lungs, and it was moving down into one of them. They got that from the scan. It looked like mucus, but I wasn't actually coughing anything like that up, so they called and asked for a different scan."

Delphine remembers the rattling so well she can practically still hear it. She swallows.

"I went in for the second scan, and those results came back faster. It uh-" Cosima's voice breaks, her lip quaking. Delphine gives her hand a reaffirming squeeze.

"It's a tumour. Well, that's probably not the right word. Yesterday I didn't actually have work, I went to the hospital for another blood test, hence the new bracelet. I got the results back last night. They're in my bag, over there." She says as she points to her bag, slouched against the front door.

Delphine finally finds her voice. She sounds hoarse and croaky, her throat raw from shouting and crying.

"And... treatment?" she asks tentatively.

Cosima shrugs "They dunno yet. I- well, we have a consultation sometime soon to talk about that."

Cosima's shoulders sag, clearly exhausted. Delphine opens her arms, leaning back against the couch. Cosima adjusts her position, sitting in Delphine's lap. Her small frame is soon cradled by Delphine's long arms, gathering her in an embrace. Delphine brings one of her palms to rest on Cosima's back, the other against Cosima's ribs. Cosima inhales shakily against her collarbone before starting to sob. She tugs at Delphine's shirt collar, the fabric becoming damp with tears.

Delphine pulls her closer, wrapping her arms around her and rubbing soothing circles on her back. Cosima folds herself inwards, resembling a child with her small size. Delphine can feel her throat threatening to break into choking tears, but she fights her own body to cry silently.

Delphine cradles Cosima's head, petting her dreads and gently rocking her. Cosima's sobs begin to space further and further apart, before diminishing into quiet sniffles against Delphine's collar bone.

Delphine clears her throat, thinking suddenly of something her mother used to do to calm her when she was small. She thinks for a few beats, before softly singing into Cosima's hair.

Si tu n'étais pas là

Comment pourrais-je vivre ?

Je ne connaîtrais pas

Ce bonheur qui m'enivre

It's an old French song that her Grandmère used to sing to her Maman, and her Maman to her when she was small.

Tu reviens et soudain

Plus de tristesse

Car tu sais l'effacer

D'une caresse

Delphine kisses Cosima's head between lines, humming the bits she doesn't remember the words to. She can feel Cosima's breathing start to even out, the hitching in her breaths almost gone.

Je ne connaîtrais pas

Ce bonheur qui m'enivre

Quand je suis dans tes bras

Delphine continues to sing and rock as she feels Cosima slacken against her, grip loosening on her collar.

Mon coeur joyeux se livre

Comment pourrais-je vivre

Si tu n'étais pas là ?

Delphine can feel nervoes starting to trickle between her ribs and into her chest as she finishes the last line, but she pushes the feeling away. She concentrates instead on feeling the weight of Cosima resting on her lap, the wetness on her shirt, the soft texture of Cosima's sweater beneath her fingertips. She tightens her hands against Cosima's body, pulling her impossibly closer. Delphine thinks that maybe, just maybe, if she holds tight enough, everything will be okay.

"What does it mean?" Cosima asks, muffled against Delphine's shoulder.

How could I live if you weren't here? Delphine wants to say, those are the lyrics, but Delphine isn't ready to say these words and Cosima isn't ready to hear them. She swallows, pushing down the truth.

"Just that I love you very much, and I always will no matter what."

They both know she's lying, but it's better than the truth.


Delphine's hand is clasped with Cosima's, clammy and cool against her skin. Cosima squeezes gently, bringing her other hand to cover their joined hands. Cosima gives her a tight-lipped smile before looking back down at her lap, her leg bouncing. They sit in another waiting room, this one painted a pale yellow, or what may have used to have been yellow. The Pulmonology wing is deserted save for a lone woman with short red hair, faux fur coat and a German accent speaking to the receptionist on her way out.

"Danke" the German says with a curt nod, turning and exiting, leaving Delphine and Cosima alone.

Delphine surveys the room to distract herself from the upcoming appointment that will surely change their lives. She counts twenty-two chairs, seven magazines and three pieces of art on the walls. There are two fake plants and one real plant, only distinguishable because of its faded brown leaves. Why would they have a dying plant in a hospital? It seems cruel.

"Ms. Niehaus?" the receptionist stands far in front of them in pink scrubs. They both look up, then to each other and begin to stand to stand.

"The doctor is ready for you." the woman says before returning back behind her ovular desk.

Delphine holds Cosima's hand tightly as they walk into the room where a new doctor sits alongside . Her face is stern but not uncaring, a motherly look with long brown hair and light grey eyes.

"Good morning ladies, did you have trouble finding us over in this part of the hospital?" he asks.

"No, no trouble at all" Cosima replies. Delphine can hear the quiet nervousness in her voice and glides her thumb over Cosima's knuckles.

"Good good. Well, I guess its time for an introduction then. Ms. Cormier and Ms. Niehaus, this is Dr. Sadler, head Pulmonologist," he says, gesturing to the other doctor in the room, "She'll be helping along the process, which we have yet to discuss."

"Please, call me Siobhan." Dr. Sadler responds, leaning over the desk to shake both of their hands.

"I'm Delphine, bonjour" Delphine says, her hand meeting Siobhan's.

"Cosima, hi." says Cosima, as she does the same.

"We've gone over your results, and we have some things to discuss with you together today." Dr. Bell says, beginning to open up a file folder on the desk. He pulls out two images, both black and white. He points to a light-tinted blur on the second image with his index finger.

"This is the image from Cosima's first scan, compared to a scan from a healthy lung." He points to the blur, tapping it. "Do you see this light-tone here? That's not usual for a lung. Originally, we had thought it was a buildup of mucus, but Cosima wasn't coughing anything up that could indicate anything of this size. So we ordered an MRI, and came up with different results."

Dr. Bell pauses, crossing his own fingers together on the desk.

"We did some further blood tests, and our suspicions were confirmed. There's no easy way to say this to both of you, so I'm just going to say it." He turns to Cosima.

"It's a form of Non-Mucinous Adenocarcinoma in situ of the lung. It's cancerous, but thankfully it's only semi-aggressive. That doesn't mean it's not fast-spreading or growing, though."

Delphine makes a face before turning to Cosima, her expression mirroring Delphine's. Cosima turns to the doctors, confusion etched in her features.

"It's a type of small-cell lung cancer." Dr. Bell clarifies, "Usually, there's one solid tumour that's found either in the middle tube between the lungs or just within the lung. In your case, it's more of a thin film covering the tissue."

Cosima and Delphine aren't taken aback by the news, they've known that Cosima had cancer, this gives them an official diagnosis. Delphine avoids looking at the white blur on the images, her stomach twisting at the thought of it getting larger.

"Can it be treated?" asks Cosima, glancing at the images.

"That's where Dr. Sadler comes in." he says, gesturing for Dr. Sadler to continue.

"There are lots of options, but two of them seem to be the best fit for your case in particular." Dr. Sadler bends down under the desk to reach for her own file folder, this one fuller than Dr. Bell's.

"Our case?" asks Delphine.

"Yes, your case. Most cancers form in the shape of tumours, one singular mass that can be removed relatively easily. In your case, however, you see a scaly buildup almost like a spider web stretched out across the tissue."

Dr. Sadler pulls out her documents and reads them over quickly, before setting them down and facing the couple.

"The way we see it, you have two options. Option A: You undergo a complete pneumonectomy to remove the entire affected lung. This will be a long recovery process with less life expectancy, but you won't have to go through any chemotherapy or radiation. Option B: You undergo some rounds of a mix of chemotherapy and radiation to try to shrink the cancer to a smaller size, before a lobectomy is performed, removing only a lobe of the affected lung. This might have to be followed by one or two more rounds of chemo and radiation to ensure all the cancerous cells have been eliminated. Obviously there's more information that we can give you, both verbally and in this package we've prepared, but that's the general idea."

Delphine sits in silence. A pneumonectomy? Lobectomy? Chemotherapy? Radiation? Life expectancy?

"What's the timeline for both options?" Cosima asks.

"Considering we're looking to only shrink the tumour, not eliminate it entirely, for Option B it would be from three to six months from start to finish, depending on frequency of CR therapy. Option A would be from one to two months for wait times and recovery time, not including the possibility of a lung transplant." replies Dr. Sadler.

"CR?" Delphine asks.

"Chemo and Radiation therapy."

"Ah, okay thank you." she says.

"Frequency?" Cosima adds.

"Yes, depending on the patient CR therapy is administered once every month, once every two weeks or sometimes even less than that. For your case, we would want to administer five to seven day-long sessions of chemotherapy capsules and one session of radiation every two weeks. So you'd have one week on, one week off of the pills with a radiation session at the end of the week on."

"Which option has the least pain involved?" asks Delphine. Cosima turns to look at Delphine, a question lingering in her eyes.

"Option A offers the least pain, since theres no CR therapy."

"Obviously, it's a lot to take in and consider. You can take all the time you need to decide which option you two are choosing to go with, but sooner rather than later will help with getting Cosima's treatment process going. Do either of you have any further questions? We're here to answer any and all questions, so that you make the right decision for you." Dr. Bell says while Dr. Sadler places all the documents back into the file folder.

Cosima looks at Delphine, squeezing her hand.

"Which option offers the longest life expectancy?" Cosima asks, not looking away from Delphine.

"Option B offers the longest life expectancy in the long run. Even with the possibility of a lung transplant after the initial pneumonectomy, the waiting list could take months or even years to reach anywhere near a successful match. However, Option A avoids all chemotherapy and radiation and the actual procedure is completed in a lot less time. Option B takes longer, seeing as you need to complete at least two or three rounds of CR therapy before you can even consider the surgery."

"Which option do you recommend?" she asks.

Dr. Bell and Dr. Sadler exchange glances before Dr. Bell speaks up.

"It's entirely your decision, but based on Cosima's condition and current state, we would recommend CR therapy and a lobectomy, Option B. Cosima's tumour will continue to grow and could potentially spread to other organs or the bloodstream. Not only will CR therapy shrink the main tumour, it will eliminate any possible traces that begin travelling, before the entirety is removed."

Cosima hums quietly as a response.

"The reality is that the faster we act, the faster you will be on the road to recovery." Dr. Sadler adds quietly, pushing the file folder across the desk and towards the couple.

"Thank you, Doctors. We'll discuss our options and get back to you as soon as we can." Delphine says, grabbing the file folder and tucking it into her purse with a glance to Cosima, receiving a nod.

Cosima and Delphine continue to hold hands as they leave, neither speaking. Both of their eyes are trained on the ground in front of them, only looking up to look at the signs indicating how to get back to the parking lot.

They sit in the parked car, hands still joined and unspeaking. They both try to speak, but neither can get the words to leave their throats. They stare off out of the car windows. Cosima turns on the car, and then begin the silent, thoughtful drive home. Both wanting to say something, neither knowing the words.


"I want to do Option B."

Delphine mutes the TV, surprised by Cosima's sudden statement. They had gotten home from the consultation and skirted around discussing the subject all day, right through dinner and the movie they had started.

"What? That's the most painful option of the two." Delphine replies.

"Yeah, but it has the longest life expectancy."

"Cosim-"

"Del," she interrupts, "I don't care what hell I have to go through as long as I go through it with you, and get to spend as long as possible with you afterwards."

Delphine turns to look at Cosima, the sad smile on her own face met with quiet determination on Cosima's. Delphine knows this look; the set jaw, the slightly pulled eyebrows, the jutted chin. There is no changing Cosima's mind now.

She leans against Cosima's side, lacing her own fingers with Cosima's. She brings their hands to her lips, kissing the back of Cosima's hand.

"Are you sure?" Delphine asks.

"Yes, one hundred percent." she replies.

"Then so am I. I'll be there every step of the way." Delphine says.

Cosima leans down to press their lips together. It's warm and calm and everything that they need right now. Safety, familiarity and sureness in a sea of unknowns.

Delphine's hand comes to cup Cosima's cheek, foundation as strong as stone. Cosima exhales against her lips with a hum, wind against the windowsill that shakes window chimes. Cosima threads her free fingers through her loose curls, roots of an ever strengthening tree that grows in the garden of their love.

The kiss is home


Si Tu N'étais Pas Là - Fréhel