Gai stretched his arms over his head and looked at the setting sun. His muscles burned with the deep, pleasurable ache of a long day's training. "It's getting late. Let's head home and make some dinner. What do you say, Lee?" He glanced over his shoulder.
His student was in the middle of his cool-down stretches. As Gai watched, the Chuunin bent to touch his toes. His legs quivered slightly as he strained the muscles, and sweat slid down his neck and face. For a moment, Gai watched Lee's muscles shift beneath the thin fabric of his jumpsuit...then he forced his gaze away. He felt oddly warm. Just the exertion, he told himself.
Lee strained a bit further, bandaged hands touching the dirt. It felt good to train like this again. Team Gai had been sent out on a rash of missions lately, and they'd had little time in the village. The opportunity to actually train had been a rare one over these past few months, and Lee enjoyed the opportunity to push his body to the limit without the threat of death attached. Combat was a good way to sharpen the skills, but it was no substitute for regular training.
He rose to his feet, the gesture unconsciously fluid. Lee had put on muscle over the years, but still trended towards a lean, rangy build. He wondered at times if he'd ever have the strength and solidity that Gai wore as naturally as his bright smiles and green jumpsuit. With the habit of long practice, he forced the thought back and smiled at his teacher. "Of course, Gai-sensei," Lee said, and he fell into step beside Gai.
They walked back to the apartment in companionable silence. Gai watched Lee out of the corner of his eye. Though almost a man now, he hadn't lost the youthful slenderness of his limbs, and Gai found himself admiring those long legs and toned arms. Once again, he forced his gaze away. What's the matter with me?
He smiled in Lee's direction. "So how are things going with Sakura-san?"
"I have not had a chance to see her much lately with how busy things have been. She has many responsibilities at the hospital," Lee said. His thoughts lingered momentarily on the pink-haired girl. Pretty, perfect Sakura-san. So far out of Lee's league that it was almost funny. Over the years they had developed a friendship of sorts, but Lee knew that she wasn't interested in him romantically.
That, more than anything, was why he'd kept pursuing her. He knew in his deepest of hearts that he didn't love her, but things were easier this way. She didn't really mind the flowers and candy and declarations of affection, and it let him pretend that things were normal with Gai-sensei. He'd gotten so good at pretending by this point that he'd almost managed to fool himself.
"I see," Gai said. Lately, it seemed, Lee's interest in Sakura had waned. He never mentioned her at all unless Gai asked him.
Gai wondered why he felt relief over that fact. He ought to be encouraging Lee to pursue her. That was what he'd wanted, wasn't it? For Lee to fall in love with a girl or boy and have a chance at real, reciprocal romance with someone his own age?
They reached their apartment. Gai opened the door and smiled at Lee.
Lee returned the smile and stepped into the apartment, toeing off his sandals. The comparatively cool air inside felt good in contrast to the nearly muggy night, and Lee enjoyed the feeling of just being home for a moment. It was the nature of a shinobi's life to spend a great deal of time out on missions, but he was glad that things had finally calmed down some.
"It is good to really be back, Gai-sensei," Lee said, and he smiled. He followed his teacher into the kitchen, and the pair set about making a meal large enough for five civilians, which they'd found to be approximately the right balance for the two of them, considering the high calorie consumption that their training methods implied.
They sat together at the table. As they gulped down triple-sized portions of chicken, dumplings and rice, Gai tried not to think about the strange feeling that had overcome him earlier. But bothersome thoughts kept tugging at his mind.
It was normal, he supposed, to take pride in his student's superb physical fitness. Lee's lean, muscled body was evidence of the discipline with which he applied himself to his training. But lately, Gai had been noticing that body a lot more-the way Lee's muscles bunched and shifted beneath the jumpsuit, the flush that crept into his smooth cheeks when he strained himself...how his firm buttocks clenched and quivered slightly when...
Gai gulped and slammed the door firmly shut on that line of thinking. Because that-that was probably not a normal thought to have. And as penance for having it, he would run five hundred laps around Konoha tonight. On one leg.
Gai's mouth had gone dry, but he forced himself to swallow the lump of chicken and rice in it. His heart pounded, and his stomach twisted. Lee was sixteen, he reminded himself. And his student. Yes, he was growing into a handsome young man, but Gai's feelings for him were simple and pure and platonic, because that was how it had always been and that's how it had to be. Lee was in love with Sakura-san.
Except he never talks about her anymore... Gai shoved that thought away.
Lee trailed off in the middle of a sentence, noticing the way Gai's fingers tightened on his chopsticks and something flashed in his eyes. It was a look he'd been seeing on Gai's face more and more lately- something almost familiar, that he could almost pinpoint, but not quite. He waited for a moment, looking at his teacher. "Gai-sensei?" Lee asked, "Is everything okay?"
Gai smiled, fidgeting in his chair. "Everything's just fine, Lee," he said a little too loudly. The look of puzzled concern on Lee's face remained. Gai focused all his attention on his food. He gobbled it so fast that a piece of chicken almost went down his windpipe, and he coughed, pounding a fist against his chest until he dislodged it. Once he'd finished the contents of his plate, he carried his dishes to the sink and began washing them. The whole time, he carefully avoided meeting Lee's gaze.
Uncertainty hung in Lee's eyes, but he didn't press further. At another time, years ago, he might have. Now, though, it would be a betrayal of the quiet walls that they'd built between them. It was a distance that Lee knew was necessary. Carefully ignoring the moments of tension had become a way of life. If neither of them acknowledged it, they could pretend that everything was normal.
It'd worked for the past three years. Lee cast an occasional glance at Gai as he helped clean the kitchen, but made no move to continue the conversation. When everything was put away, he smiled in an effort to further relieve the tension. "I should go take a shower. Thank you for dinner, Gai-sensei."
"You're welcome, Lee." Gai watched from the corner of his eye as Lee walked into the bathroom and closed the door. He listened to the soft hiss of the shower, and his heartbeat quickened. As he scrubbed a plate, he tried not to visualize Lee soaping himself up, rubbing the lather over his smooth skin...
Gai's fingers tightened on the plate until it broke with a loud crack. He winced. Hastily, he picked up the pieces and dropped them in the trash. What's wrong with me?
Gai stood outside Kakashi's house, raised a hand to knock on the door, and hesitated. A sense of deja vu overwhelmed him. Three years ago, he'd stood in this exact spot, feeling this same tension in his stomach. Except last time, he'd come here to ask what he should do about Lee's feelings. Now, he wasn't sure what to do about his own. He'd never been so confused.
He wondered why he always came to Kakashi in these moments. The masked ninja's advice hadn't worked out very well last time, after all. But the simple truth was that Kakashi was his only real friend...well, aside from his students, and for obvious reasons he couldn't come to them about this. And he couldn't deal with this alone anymore, either. He was going insane, keeping this bottled up inside.
Gai knocked.
There was the fumbling click of a deadbolt turning, then the door opened. Kakashi half-glared at the green-clad Jounin with one lazily lidded eye, then pushed the door open with a sigh. "At least it's not the middle of the night this time."
Gai gave him an embarrassed smile and rubbed the back of his neck. "Hello, Kakashi. Er..." He paused, wondering if he really planned to tell Kakashi about the sort of thoughts he'd been having lately. He was afraid even to acknowledge them to himself. "If it's a bad time, I can come back later."
"Well, I was in the middle of a chapter…" It was an attempt at lightening the tone more than anything. Gai had always disapproved of Kakashi's reading material and his blatant enjoyment of it. The Jounin's lips quirked slightly beneath his mask.
Gai fidgeted. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed that coming here was a bad idea. Even Kakashi, with his relaxed attitude toward sex, surely would be horrified when he learned what was going on in Gai's head. Gai rubbed the back of his neck, then placed his hands on his hips and gave an awkward laugh. "Ah...well, I'd hate to interrupt your reading. Maybe some other time?" He winced at how strained and unnatural his cheerful tone sounded.
Kakashi rolled his eye and pulled the door open further, stepping into his apartment. "You wouldn't be here if you didn't have a reason, Gai."
Gai cleared his throat. "Well...yes..." He followed Kakashi into the apartment and sat on the couch. For a moment, he just looked down at his hands resting on his knees. Then he took a deep breath and looked up. "I've been having some...troubling thoughts lately. About a certain person. I don't know what's causing it. It started out as just an occasional problem, but it's been growing steadily worse over the past few months, and it's reached the point where I can't ignore it anymore."
Kakashi looked at him for a long moment, expression neutral. "What kind of thoughts?"
Gai interlaced his fingers and stared down at them, unable to meet Kakashi's gaze. "Thoughts of a..." He paused and exhaled shakily. "Thoughts of a sexual nature. Except I don't believe I'm really attracted to this person. Or I wouldn't be, if I was in my right mind. It just doesn't make sense. I think there must be something wrong with me. I just wish I understood why it was happening."
Kakashi's silver brows drew together faintly as he watched the tremor in his only friend's hands. "It's not uncommon to fantasize, Gai. We all do it. Even people like you." It sounded trite, like something someone would tell a teenager having their first wet-dream, but Kakashi didn't know how else to handle the situation.
"You don't understand," Gai said, impatience creeping into his tone. "These aren't normal fantasies. They're about someone I absolutely shouldn't be thinking about in those terms."
Kakashi ran a hand through his hair. "Look, Gai, with that top she wears, we've all thought it at least once. I mean, they're practically falling out, Hokage or no."
Gai's brow furrowed. "What?" Then he blinked in realization. "Oh. No, not her." He wondered just what sort of thoughts Kakashi had about Tsunade-sama...but there were much more serious issues to consider. He lowered his gaze. "It's worse than that. Much worse. This is someone I have a precious bond with, and if this person learns how I really feel, I..." He swallowed. "It will destroy everything."
Apparently this was more serious than he'd first thought. Kakashi let the defensive casualness drop, standing up a bit straighter. His gaze fixed on Gai's face, taking in the tight line of his lips and the worried way he'd glance at Kakashi for a half-second and then look away. This was obviously seriously bothering Gai.
"Why would it be such a bad thing if this person found out?"
"For one thing, he's in love with someone else." Or at least, Gai was fairly sure that Lee still liked Sakura-san in that way. "For another, he's half my age. And..." Gai lowered his head. "He's a student of mine." His voice shook slightly. "I know I shouldn't feel this way. It's wrong. It's twisted. But the feelings won't go away."
And with that, everything became clear. Kakashi leaned back against the wall and rubbed at his temples, trying to calm the pain that had suddenly flared behind his eyes. "You're attracted to Lee." It was a statement, not an accusation. Lee made more sense than Neji, both because of how close Gai was to him, and because Kakashi didn't really think Neji was capable of being in love with someone, from what he'd seen of the Hyuuga.
The Jounin took a deep breath, then looked at Gai. "Is it only sexual?"
Gai blinked and met his gaze. "What do you mean?"
"You said that you've been fantasizing about him. Is it just sexual attraction, or do you actually have feelings for him?"
Gai's fists clenched. How was he supposed to answer a question like that? "I don't know how I feel," he murmured, unable to meet Kakashi's gaze. "I know that Lee is the most important person in my life. That I would do anything for the sake of his happiness. I love him. But that isn't the same as saying I'm in love with him. He..." Gai trailed off. As he resumed speaking, his voice grew softer until it was scarcely audible. "He's my student. He's sixteen. This attraction can't possibly be right. But I don't know what to do about it. Maybe...maybe it's just being so close to him all the time that makes me feel this way. Maybe it's just because I haven't actually done anything sexual with anyone in such a long time. Do you think that's it?" There was an edge of desperation to his voice.
Kakashi ran a gloved hand through his silver hair, making a quiet sound of frustration. "When you get that close to someone, the lines blur. You start thinking about them and seeing them in a different way, because they're always there." For him it'd been Minato- but Kakashi carefully didn't linger on that thought. "And once you start telling yourself not to think about things like that, you build it up. If you're constantly telling yourself to not think about him in that way, then your mind will naturally dwell on it."
"Yes...that makes sense." The tension in Gai's chest eased. "I think you're right." It was just his constant proximity with Lee, fueled by Gai's lack of any actual sex in his life. It had literally been years since he'd done anything sexual with another human being. Of course his desires would start to stray toward the nearest available target.
A little voice in his head insisted that he was fooling himself, that it wasn't that simple. He pushed the voice away. He just needed to have a real sexual encounter with someone, and these feelings would go away. He'd be able to continue living with Lee as he always had.
Gai smiled. "Thank you, Kakashi."
"Don't beat yourself up over it too much, Gai." He was quiet for a long moment, looking at the Jounin, then- "I still think it'd be better for both of you to have more distance. Especially if he still feels the same way about you that he did three years ago."
Gai gave a start, then shook his head fiercely and raked a hand through his hair. "He couldn't possibly feel the same way after three years. You've probably noticed how much time he's been spending pursuing Sakura. No, you were right about that. It was just a crush." Gai paused. "I tried distancing myself from him when he first confessed to me. When I pushed him away, it nearly destroyed him. I can't do that to him again. Looking into his eyes, seeing that loneliness and misery and knowing I'd put it there...I just couldn't bear it." His voice had dropped to a whisper.
"I'm not so certain. He treats Sakura the same way he does Tenten, except for asking her out every now and then. Sakura doesn't seem to particularly mind, but I know she doesn't take him seriously."
Gai hesitated. "Still...I don't think he feels that way about me. And even if he did, it would be wrong for me to take advantage of those feelings. Nothing can come of it."
Kakashi looked at him for a long moment. It wasn't what he'd meant- he'd been thinking more that if Lee still had that crush, it'd call for more caution on Gai's part over this attraction- but that statement gave him more view into Gai's mindset than he really wanted to have. "Be careful, Gai."
"I won't do anything," Gai said quickly. "I would never do anything to hurt Lee. I just...have to find some way to deal with this."
"I know you wouldn't." It was why Kakashi was able to be so calm about this. Lee was sixteen- of age technically, but still young enough to cause rumors. Still young enough that he could see why this attraction frightened Gai. He knew Gai, though, and if there was one thing he knew about Gai, it was that he'd do anything for Lee. "Gai. I know this can't have been easy to talk about. I just wanted to let you know that I don't look at you differently because of it. You're still my rival."
It's easier than calling him a friend- comes more naturally to Kakashi's tongue. After all, Gai's been referring to him as that since they were eight.
Gai relaxed slightly and gave him a tiny, grateful smile. "Thank you," he said quietly. "I'm glad to have you as my rival." He lay a hand on Kakashi's shoulder. "It's getting late. I probably shouldn't stay too much longer, but...are you up for a quick round of sparring?"
Kakashi gestured with the book he'd been casually holding at his side. "Middle of a chapter, remember?"
"Ah...right." Gai chuckled.
He left Kakashi's house and walked back to his apartment. He paused outside his door, his hand hovering over the knob. Was it possible that Lee still felt the same way? Maybe it was better, not knowing. Still, the question ate at him. He took a deep breath, turned the knob and stepped inside. "Lee? I'm home."
"Welcome home, Gai-sensei," the Chuunin said, and smiled. Caught in a rare moment of relaxation, he was curled up on the couch instead of training. They'd worked especially hard that day, and he'd made progress in his spar against Neji. He'd lasted a full half hour this time before the Jounin had been able to disable him, and the high from that as well as the deep-seated yet familiar ache in his muscles had him in a good mood.
At the sight, Gai froze, and a flush of warmth spread through his body. Something about the way he was curled up made Gai want to gather Lee in his arms and hold him tight. The feeling wasn't arousal, exactly; just a strong desire to hold Lee, to touch him, to feel the heat of his skin.
Gai cleared his throat and averted his gaze. "How was your day?"
"It went well. I sparred some with Neji and Tenten, then we went to lunch." The dynamics of the team had grown more natural over time, as Neji defrosted some and Lee's boundless enthusiasm was curbed slightly by age. They still butted heads over nearly every topic, but it was comfortable, now- familiar.
"That's good." Gai hesitated, then sat on the couch next to his student. "Lee...are you..." He stopped, biting his tongue, then gave Lee a strained smile. "Never mind."
The Chuunin titled his head to the side slightly as he looked at his teacher, expression inquisitive. "Am I what, Gai-sensei?"
Gai tapped his fingers against the arm of the chair, staring straight ahead as he remembered something Kakashi had said-about how Lee acted the same way with Sakura as he did with Tenten, these days. "It's really none of my business. I just wondered...it doesn't seem as though you're really pursuing Sakura-san anymore."
There was a moment of awkward tension. Lee worried at his bottom lip, wondering how to reply. "Well… we have had a lot of missions lately. And she has been very busy with the hospital."
"I see." A long pause. Gai knew he should leave it alone. The less he said about this, the better. Lee hadn't mentioned anything about his attraction to Gai since he moved back in with him three years ago; they'd avoided the subject, and that had worked out just fine. Still...
He found himself staring at Lee's lips, watching those even, white teeth pressing into soft pink flesh. Then he jerked his gaze away. "I just wondered if...perhaps you have feelings for someone else," he blurted out.
Lee went still. "I-"
He did. Of course he did. But telling Gai that simply wasn't an option. That love had burned steadily in Lee's heart for years now, but the idea of telling him- even the concept of it was enough to make the Chuunin flinch back. The last time he'd told Gai how he'd felt about him, he'd been awoken at three in the morning and told he needed to get out.
"I am not certain what you are asking, Gai-sensei. Sakura-san is…"
"I probably shouldn't be asking this," Gai said quietly. "And you don't have to answer if you don't want to. But...three years ago, you told me that you..." He faltered. "That you had feelings for me. And I just wondered..."
Lee's breathing quickened, adopting the quick, shallow rate that usually only came after his three hundredth lap. His fingers tightened on his lap, and he carefully looked anywhere but at Gai. "I…"
"It's all right," Gai said quietly. "You don't have to say anything." Lee's reaction made it obvious, anyway. Gai's heart pounded, and he took deep, steadying breaths. So Lee was still in love with him. After all this time. It hadn't just been a crush. Maybe, deep down, he'd already known that. But what now?
"It is not that, Gai-sensei- you were right, it was just the stress- I- I- Sakura-san- I-" Lee stammered, then, seeing Gai's serious expression, he stopped. His tongue flicked out, dampening lips that had suddenly gone dry, and he swallowed. "Please do not send me away again."
"I won't." Gai found himself staring at Lee's lips again. I could kiss him if I wanted. The thought stunned and horrified Gai-how could he even allow himself to think such a thing?-but it was undeniably plausible. He could close the distance between them and kiss those soft lips. Lee wouldn't push him away. It would be so easy...
In a daze, he leaned closer, his gaze locked on those lips. Then, when there were only inches between them, Gai realized what he was doing and froze. He jerked back and sat stiffly, unable to meet Lee's eyes.
Confusion and worry reflected in Lee's dark eyes, and he hesitated between looking at his teacher and glancing away. "Gai-sensei?"
Gai took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." He paused, looking at Lee's bewildered expression, and closed his mouth. "Never mind." He gave Lee a strained smile.
He had to be careful. Very, very careful.
Lee hesitated. He wanted to ask what was going on, to press for answers- but he couldn't. His feelings towards Gai were dangerous. If he asked what was going on, why Gai was acting this way…
He couldn't handle it if Gai pushed him away again, and no matter how many promises Gai made, he couldn't trust him not to. "Okay," Lee whispered, and he carefully didn't meet his teacher's eyes, too afraid of what he might see there.
Gai sat next to Lee in silence for a long moment, his gaze downcast. He hated this-hated having to keep walls up between himself and Lee. He wished things could be simple, the way they'd been before Lee's confession, before his own feelings started to change. He wanted to be able to hug Lee again without wondering whether it was appropriate...without feeling that shiver of forbidden physical pleasure.
All this time, he'd been telling himself that Lee's infatuation with him would eventually wane. That it was a passing phase. But Lee still had feelings for him, even after all this time. What if...
No, he thought. Lee was still young. His feelings would change as he grew older. Gai's feelings were the real problem, now. He had to work on changing himself.
He stood. "I think I might go for a run."
The Chuunin nodded. At any other time he would have asked to join Gai, but he knew instinctively that it wasn't the run itself Gai was looking for. He needed space. They both did. Time would allow the thinly veiled walls to snap back into place, and then they could go on pretending as if nothing had happened.
"Will you be back home for dinner?" Lee asked, glancing up at his teacher.
Gai smiled, though he still didn't meet Lee's gaze. "Of course." A lump rose into his throat, but he choked it down. He left the apartment and ran around his usual path near the village's edge. For once, he didn't count his laps; he was too preoccupied.
He was a man with a man's desires, and he hadn't had a sexual relationship in a long time. That, Gai decided, was the source of his unhealthy attraction to Lee. The solution was obvious; he had to start a sexual relationship with someone else. Someone his own age.
Having made his decision, Gai turned and headed back to the apartment.
To be continued
