IN THE END

I was ready to give it all up —everything. I was half out of my mind with love. And I didn't think twice about what I was throwing into the fire, as long as I could keep it burning for just another minute —if only I were allowed to sit a while longer beside its pale glow.

That was how I loved you in the end. With my body cold and shuddering. With empty hands over smouldering ash, counting out the minutes.

Lang Leav

CHAPTER 7

She was crying.

She was sitting on the ground, surrounded by a pool of green fabric, wrapped in a black tuxedo jacket. The jacket had partially slipped off one shoulder revealing a back that was being wracked with sobs. The sounds she was making was painful to listen to. It was the sound of every goodbye unwanted, every ending to every story of heartbreak ever told, the sound of never and forever all rolled into one excruciatingly painful and sad expression of noise.

Physically it looked painful, and he knew that it must be the way she was crying. Her body was torn to pieces by the sounds crushing out of her windpipe. Uncontrolled and harsh. He remembered what that felt like. He remembered because it was burned into his memory. Nothing stops crying like that.

Nothing.

It was the kind that you just had to allow to run its course, because trying to keep it in, would literally shred your soul into atoms. Holding her would bring her no comfort. She would cry until she fell into exhaustion. And maybe if she were lucky tomorrow would bring some measure of relief.

But until then, he would let her be.

Jonas continued to watch over the woman sitting on the cold ground, and his memory took him to places he equally wanted to forget and remember. Because remembering would bring feelings back about something that he desperately missed and wanted but at the same time tried to ignore. Life wasn't fair. It was equal parts cruel and beautiful, and it would remain so far beyond his time or hers. Just like birth eventually was followed by death. Acceptance had long ago come as a balm to his ravaged soul. This was life, joy couldn't exist without understanding heartbreak.

He remained silent. His gaze averted, affording her privacy that he knew he would never tell another soul about. Nobody needed to know about this. And whoever she was, she would not thank him later for making her aware that her private agony was being witnessed by a stranger. Nobody wanted that. These moments where the kind that needed no witnesses. And something told him, that this woman valued her privacy.

After what felt like forever the sounds stopped, and she slowly slid sideways, her body shuddering from a combination of cold and exhaustion. Her eyes closed and the night sounds around her gently lulled her into sleep. She would sleep for a long time and if she were lucky it would be dreamless.

Jonas finally stepped out of the dark cover of the trees and approached her still form. She had rolled herself into a small ball, her hair partially obscuring her features. She was beautiful. He looked down at her for a long time before he bent down and gently picked her up. She weighed next to nothing. Shivers made her tremble, and she instinctively burrowed into the heat his body provided. He slowly made his way back to the log style cabin further down the track.

It was a beautiful place. The moon was bright in a sky littered white with stars older than this planet, and they provided a magical light to the surrounding trees. The wind rustled through the trees and the night animals provided a background noise that made the silence feel more natural. Further, into the trees, the sound of water gently flowing rounded out the night. And when he looked down on the woman in his arms, he was met by eyes of blue midnight. He didn't know her, but he felt a kinship with her that softened his own eyes. She would survive, he recognised a fighter when he saw one. Maybe a bit dented and bruised but she would pull through whatever knocked her down.

"You are safe. Go to sleep, I will be here when you wake up." His voice rumbles softly under her ear, blending in with the night sounds like it was part of it. Her eyes stare up at him for a long time, unblinking, assessing. And then he feels her let go of the extreme tension and the silent trust given was something he had no doubt this woman made you work for under normal circumstances. Her sigh met his ears, and he hears the relief in it, and it makes him close his eyes briefly. She had finally stopped fighting. And now he hoped that she would rest.

And that was how Jonas Fielding met Kathryn Janeway.

That first day she woke up, she felt like she had gone a couple of rounds with B'Lanna in a sparring match. She hurt, her muscles were stiff and had enough tension riddling them that she knew she had been sleeping for a long time. She remained in bed despite the discomfort, just pulled the blankets up over her head and shut the world out for a little longer. Her eyes eventually closed and the light filtering through the sheets finally turned darker until full night came upon her again. And she slept again.

Sunshine woke her up the next time, and her body ached in protest from lying in one position for so long. Her bladder was screaming at her to empty itself, but somehow she still could not move. She stayed looking at the dust motes dancing around in the yellow afternoon sun filtering through curtains in a room she didn't recognise. But she knew she was safe. Because he had told her so.

She didn't know the man who had brought her here. But she knew that she could trust him. Finally, when the choice was between wetting herself, the bed and getting up, she finally lifted her tired, hurting self from the mattress and swung her trembling body over the side of the mattress. Dizziness made her close her eyes, and she trembled from the effort before she slowly stood on legs that almost immediately cramped and screamed protest. But she gritted her teeth, and she moved as quickly as she could to the door she assumed led to a bathroom somewhere.

She pulled the door open, and was met with a short hallway and directly across it was the open door to a bathroom. She looked down on the ruined gown that was dragging around legs. She stepped into the bathroom that had an old shower and a clawfoot tub on one side and the toilet and basin on the other. The room was dominated by a huge window that was facing a mass of trees that she could only assume was the forest she had been beamed into. The tub was placed in front of it. Kathryn kept looking at the window. The silence filling everything around her permeated into her bones, and she allowed her mind to remain blank, flowing along the ripples of occasional sound that filtered in from outside.

She stripped the gown as quickly as she could and made short work of relieving herself before she went to fill the tub. When she finally sunk beneath the water, the relief of soaking her aching muscles in hot water was overwhelming. She finally sunk beneath the water, wetting her hair. Then she sat up, and she started washing. She scrubbed using the old-fashioned sponge next to the bath until her skin glowed pink. She wiped the marks of tears away and cleaned her hair. When she finally stepped out of that bath, she felt empty. She stood next to the tub for a long time watching the water swirl away with it seven years worth of layers of the captain that she had become. There was nothing but air and relief. For the first time in a very long time, she felt like an individual. She felt like Kathryn. She felt fragile, like a newborn calf standing on shaky legs.

She finally turned and grabbed the towel that was hanging on the door. She rubbed herself down and then spotted the brown pants and soft green sweater neatly folded on the stand next to the basin. She found everything she needed to dress. The clothes felt soft against skin pink and sensitive from the bath. Finally, she stood in front of the basin brushing her teeth and found herself looking in the mirror.

The woman staring back at her was the same as the one she had been looking at for as long as she could remember. But her eyes were too big, and her skin too pale. Dark shadows filled her eyes and pooled beneath them. And that's when she noted a white, grey hair hidden within the folds of the Auburn. The memory of a different mirror image overlays her own. She is looking at the Admiral. She tightly squeezes her eyes shut, willing the image away. She rinses her mouth and then she turns and walks away from it. Refusing to allow memories of another her to draw her back from the silence she chose to surround herself with.

She walked into the hallway and walked down away from the bedroom. The hall spills into a larger room that combined kitchen and living space with a fireplace that dominated the room. The kitchen was fitted with replicators and all the modern bells and whistles. She goes to the replicator but hesitates. Her stomach growled loudly, and she sighs.

Somehow the thought of coffee made her feel sick to her stomach, and so refusing to acknowledge this she ordered a camomile tea and some toast with butter. She wolfed the bread down and nearly burnt her tongue with the tea, then ordered some more before she walked to the front door. She opened the door, and the wind rustling through the leaves and the sound of the forest and river under a wooden footbridge meets her eyes. The sound of a creaking chair made her turn her head slowly towards the large man sitting rocking silently on the porch.

"You were out for three days. The name is Jonas Fielding. Tom sent you here. We have known each other for a long time, him and me." His voice is soft, clipped like he wasn't used to doing too much talking, and he falls silent again. He keeps rocking and looking out at the forest, and Kathryn finally sits down on the big armchair next to him. She silently finished her toast and tea, places the plate and cup next to the chair before she pulls her legs up underneath her.

"There is a blanket behind you," his voice rumbles from beside her. "This cabin is yours for as long as you need it. There isn't anybody around for 100 kilometres. If you need anything, I live through the woods, just follow the path over the footbridge, it's about a 20min walk. Nobody will bother you here."

His eyes finally turned towards her, and she silently meets his gaze. The piercing blue of his eyes meet hers, seeing more than what she was willing to share, and she drops her gaze. She feels him looking at her for a long time before she finally lifts her chin and meets his gaze square on.

"If you need to talk, come to find me. Otherwise, I will leave you be." He slowly unfolds his tall frame from the rocking chair and towers above her. He hands over a pad to her as he passes her, nods his head once and steps down the steps and starts heading towards the bridge.

Silently she stares after him and just as he is about to cross she yells after him,

"Kathryn! Nice to meet you, Jonas."

"Nice to meet you too Kathryn!" his voice carries back to her over his shoulder as he walks over the bridge and disappears into the trees.

And finally, she was alone.

For the first time in more than 7 years, she was by herself. Just her, the trees and the wind. No red alerts, no crew, no responsibilities or debriefings, no Captain. Only Kathryn Janeway. Relief poured through her, and she pulls her legs up underneath her, grabs the blanket behind her and just sits there listening to the sounds of a world she had forgotten. It felt strange not feeling the hum of Voyager's engines under her feet. She takes a deep breath, and her eye catches the pad that Jonas had given her, and she activates the screen.

"Captain, I will let your family know that you needed some time. But you know your sister and mother, so make sure you let them know you are still ok. If you need anything just let me know. Hope you find what you are looking for. Take care. Tom. PS: Jonas is a good man, you can trust him."

Kathryn closes her eyes and leans her head back against the back of the armchair. And the reality of what had happened over the last 2 months finally settled into her bones. The silence and solitude allow time for reflection that was not granted to her for a very long time.

They had done it.

They were home.

Her gaze slowly turns to the empty chair on her left. And loneliness made itself part of her again. Tears sprang to her eyes and signed them anew. She missed him, she missed him like she never thought it was possible to lose him. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be, he was supposed to be here by her side.

But he wasn't.

And now she had to learn to live without him.

She closed her eyes and allows the knowledge of this to find a place within her, to become part of her. That part of her that was reserved for a man she had met 7 years ago when he stepped onto her bridge, aches painfully as it made space for the knowledge that he would not be growing old with her.

She sits there, while night slowly drowns out the day. The moon bathes the landscape around her into all the shades of grey and black and the stars spear across millions of light years to dot the sky with thousands of bright fairy lights.

She finally stands and leans at the balcony. And for the second time in the space of a few days she lifts her eyes to the stars with constellations, she didn't think she would ever see again. And she waits. She waits some more.

But there is no presence at her back towards her left side. The tears when they arrive burn like acid up into her throat, scalding down her cheeks and dropping down onto knuckle turned white against the balcony railing. She never dreamed that she would lose Chakotay, but then she never really had him to begin with. She hadn't wanted to fall in love with him, but the feelings had crept up on her and taken up residence within a heart that hadn't wanted to fall in love ever again. And here she was, with her world burned down to ash around her.

What a fool she was.

She stood there for a long time, stars blurred by salty tears. After a long time Kathryn became aware of a presence by her side, and when she looks down, a dog is sitting by her side looking up at her. Fur so black that it blends into the night. He sits there staring at her, head cocked to the side with ears peaked as if listening, and finally, a small smile breaks across her face.

Maybe this world still had some good to offer.

Over the course of the next couple of months, Kathryn spent a lot of time with Shadow by her side as she had taken to calling the mixed breed animal. They walked for kilometres through the woods, Shadow stepping just behind her to her left, and it made missing Chakotay a little easier. They swam in the river that was so cold it was almost painful, but it made her feel alive, and she spent nights in front of the fire talking to Shadow. About everything and nothing. She told him about all of it, and he listened to her like he understood every word of what she was saying. And finally, when her soul felt relieved and lighter, she took the path towards Jonas where she finally started talking to someone else besides a dog. Slowly she started healing, and she accepted that what happened had happened. She looked back on time spent in the Delta Quadrant, and perspective hard-won settled her back into herself. She slowly became whole again, away from it all.

Finally, the woman and the Captain became one again.

Then one late afternoon when she least expected it, she feels his presence close by, and a part of her that had been missing fills with soft acceptance. And she invited him back into her world. Because no matter how he was part of it, as long as he was, she could live with that.

"You best come in Commander, it will be dark soon."

As simple as that Kathryn rejoins a world she had walked away from with no intention of returning to.