Chapter 6

The next morning Lou woke up, feeling tired and suffering a splitting headache. She was not sure how long she had cried her eyes out last night, but it felt like it had been hours before she had fallen asleep. Her sleep, though, had been plagued by terrible nightmares, and she had kept waking up every other hour. It had been a very long night, and right now she wanted to bury herself under the sheets. She definitely was not looking forward to this new day.

After staring blankly at the ceiling above her for a while, Lou finally dragged her exhausted body out of bed. With slow motions she got out of her clothes, which were all creased after sleeping in them all night long. Taking the first blouse and skirt out of the wardrobe, she slipped into them, and as she did so, she wondered if she should start packing her things and go.

The day before had been absolutely detestable. Facing Kid after six years had been a total ordeal, and the humungous fight she had with Rachel afterwards had not made her feel much better. Could she stand more of this in the following days? She did not think so. Today the rest of her friends would arrive, and they would all pass judgment on her just like Rachel had done last night. They would come with their curiosity, their questions, their comments, and their advice, and she did not need any of that. And on top of it all, it was Kid. He was the last person she wanted to see again. This was too much for her, and she was not strong enough.

When she had finished getting dressed, she left the bedroom, and made her way downstairs. Her steps alerted Rachel, who stood at the foot of the stairs waiting.

"Morning," Lou let out in a grunt as she reached the last step.

"Good morning. Would you like some breakfast?" Rachel asked in a tone that did not show any of the acrimony from the previous night. Before Lou could answer to her offer, she added, "You must be very hungry. You hardly had a bite last night."

Louise shrugged her shoulders, and sat at the table. Rachel poured some coffee for her, and as she proceeded to serve some scrambled eggs, she said, "Lou, I need to apologize for what happened between us. I overstepped my boundaries, and I shouldn't have said what I did. It wasn't my place."

"You just said what you thought," Lou replied stiffly.

"I didn't want to upset you, Louise," Rachel continued, sitting on a chair next to the younger woman. "Like I said yesterday, I'm very fond of you, and all I want is your happiness. Please forgive me for making you feel bad."

"There's no reason to apologize. I ain't angry with you."

"Then we're fine?" Rachel asked with a smile, squeezing Lou's hand affectionately.

Louise nodded, but her stiff disposition remained. "I'm going back home today," she suddenly blurted out.

"Lou!" Rachel exclaimed in disappointment and shock.

"I'll get myself a mount, and ride off as soon as I can," she continued, and turning her eyes to Rachel, her expression softened. "It ain't because of you, Rachel. I thought I could handle Kid better, but I can't… I really can't. You saw that with your own eyes."

"Please Lou, reconsider it," Rachel almost begged. "It's natural to feel uncomfortable around him because you haven't seen each other for so long. What you have to do is learn how to stay in the same room as him without feeling crowded. I'm sure you can do it. You and Kid were best friends once. Is the past so terrible that you can't even find a middle ground and be civil to each other?"

"I… I don't know," Lou replied honestly.

At that very moment the door opened and Teaspoon walked in. "Look who I've stumbled upon this morning, honey."

Behind him appeared Jimmy. Despite her current mood, a natural smile came to her lips as she rose and welcomed her good friend with a warm hug. "It's so good to have you here," Hickok said once they were comfortably settled around the table and enjoying Rachel's hot coffee. "This town hasn't been the same since you left."

"Jimmy's right. Hear him out, Lou," Teaspoon added.

Lou sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "Life often pushes us in other directions even though we might not want."

"The good thing is that you're here, and we're gonna have some great good days. It's gonna be almost like old times."

At Jimmy's comment Lou bit her lower lip and shared a knowing look with Rachel. She had decided to leave Rock Creek today, but seeing Jimmy's enthusiasm, she was not sure how to break the news.

"Anything wrong?"

Lou sighed again, and just as she was ready to inform him about her intentions, the words that came out of her mouth were quite different. "No, nothing. You're right. It's gonna be fun."

At her words Rachel smiled, and strangely Louise also felt relieved but at the same time she dreaded what was to come: a whole week ignoring Kid and what he brought about in her. He was going to be a constant reminder of what she was, of what she lacked, and in particular he was going to make her very aware of all her failures. It was going to be too hard, but she told herself that she would do her best to ignore him, as if he did not exist.

The day progressed hour by hour. Around midday Buck showed up with his troupe like Rachel called them. The five boys aged between seven and two years old had such enthusiasm and energy that they were impossible to control. Julia Cross, Buck's wife, in her sixth month of her pregnancy, kept complaining that the trip to Rock Creek had proved her nerves too much, and this would be the last time she would travel anywhere with her litter, an oath nobody took seriously because it was not the first time she had voiced the same.

The boys choosing the bunks on which they would sleep tonight was a ruckus event as each of them demanded loudly to have a top bunk, but of course there were not enough for everyone. With a great dose of patience Buck managed to reach a compromise with his sons, and surprisingly there were no more complaints or fussy whines.

Lou had not seen Buck and Julia since they had boy number three, Hieronymus, and she was genuinely impressed and amused by the family's dynamics. As an uninvolved spectator, Lou was curious, and also glad that Buck had such a lovely family. He was a good man, and after the flawed childhood and early youth he had, it was comforting to see he had found happiness. Naturally, raising a big family would not be easy, but just the shine in Buck's eyes told Lou that he was a proud and happy father and husband.

The hours rolled on slowly, and despite the distraction that Buck's boys provided her, Lou felt unable to steer her thoughts away from the place it had stayed all day long. It was the middle of the afternoon, and Kid had not shown up. Even though his absence should be a relief, it was proving to have the opposite effect. Lou had been expecting him to appear at any moment, but when he did not, she kept wondering where he was. Maybe after last night he had resolved to leave like she had intended that morning. Or perhaps he was actually spending time with the woman Lou imagined he could have. Even though she had never heard anything about him taking a mistress, that did not mean he did not have one. Even after all these years, Lou had to admit he was a very attractive man, and who couldn't say he and that likely woman were not living like husband and wife, and claiming they were married to the rest of the world. Of course Kid could not show up with her at the station, so if she was in Rock Creek, they must be somewhere else spending time together.

Louise did not dare to ask anybody about Kid. She did not want to initiate another argument with Rachel, and asking the others would be too awkward. Nobody mentioned him at all, and Lou wondered if everybody knew and were hiding Kid's adulterous affair from her. As time went by, Lou was starting to feel more than irritated. The idea that all of them were aware that Kid was making her a cuckold and flaunting that woman behind her back was pushing her to the edge, and if somebody told her anything right now, she was ready to explode.

When Cody and his family arrived later in the day, Lou had to make an almost supernatural effort to bite her tongue. Cody had not changed and tended to make his usual mocking comments. Lou had to control herself because this was not the moment to fly off the handle. At some point she even realized she had a terrible urge to cry. Even surrounded by her dear friends, she felt very lonely, as she mused that everybody had someone to love, someone to spoil, even Jimmy who told her in detail about the lovely lady he was courting.

Almost at dinner time Kid turned up alone, and he explained he had been busy all day, closing a business deal with one of the locals. Lou was so furious by then that she could not keep quiet. "Is that the new excuse now?" she remarked ironically. At once all eyes, including Kid's, were on her, wondering what she meant. Yet, nobody asked him or said anything, and she did not bother to offer an explanation.

Lou cursed herself as all her initial intentions had crushed down too soon. She wanted to ignore Kid, and even though she tried to avoid looking at him, she was fully aware of his presence. In fact, she was doing just what she had failed to do, that is, ignoring her completely. Not once had he looked her way, and he had even walked to the other side of the room when she had happened to be too close.

His attitude managed to irritate her even more. This was not the Kid she thought she knew. Louise was used to having him fuss over, idolize, and almost worship her in every way. The last time she had seen him, Kid had almost begged her on his knees for forgiveness and her love. Now his indifference baffled and annoyed her, and as her suspicions that there was another woman seemed to be confirmed by his attitude, she felt like crying. Even her own reactions infuriated her, and she wanted to kick herself hard. Kid meant nothing to her, and the moment he had decided to walk through life without her, she should have stopped the useless feelings in her heart. She had to be as indifferent as he was, because the truth was that Kid was nothing to her, just a name next to her on a paper, nothing else.

Once dinner was over and the children tucked up in bed, conversation moved onto the celebration that would start the following day. Nobody had missed the lively atmosphere in town, the banners and flags embellishing the buildings, and the welcoming warmth of the locals. Tompkins had really outdone himself with the arrangements, and everybody commented on that. Tomorrow the games would start, which included target practice, lasso handling, and of course horse riding.

"Boys, don't be disappointed when I receive the trophy from lovely Miss Jenny Tompkins," Cody said in his usual flamboyant way. Jimmy rolled his eyes, causing the rest to laugh, but Cody could not be put off by their usual mock. "You should all admit you ain't so young anymore and have lost your abilities. I'm still in pretty good shape, actually I feel better than I used to be. My daily activities require great strength, courage, and top physical qualities, so I'm hard competition."

"Cody, will you cut the speech for once?" Buck added. "If your entire ego actually took up space, your head would have burst long ago."

Like in old times Cody was once again the butt of jokes and witty remarks, but even though he protested, he secretly enjoyed this bickering, and even ended up joining the laughter. His eyes then fell on Louise, who tonight was not as cheerful as she used to be, something which everybody pretended not to notice since they all knew the reason. "What about you, Lou?"

"What about me?" Louise asked, confused by Cody's question.

"Are you gonna take part in this thing?" Cody clarified.

"Why shouldn't she?" Jimmy stepped in. "She's still one of us."

"I ain't saying she shouldn't, but circumstances are different now," Cody replied. "You know as well as I do how competitive and foul-players we men are, and if these local men get to know Lou's going to enter the competition, they are going all out against her."

Lou made a face, not liking Cody's opinion, but in fact, she had never had any intentions to join the silly contest Tompkins had made up. She did not care what Cody's big mouth would say. The last thing she wanted to do was join a bunch of males trying to prove their manhood in the most ridiculous way. Maybe in the old times for reasons that did not exist today, competing against the men would have been a question of honor for her, but now things were different, and what was vital back then had lost its importance.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Kid, and his body language clearly expressed that he agreed with Cody. Annoyance filled her soul, but she still did not try to say anything. She did not have to prove herself to anybody, not any more.

"Nobody needs to know Lou's in," Rachel spoke up.

Everybody looked at the woman wonderingly, and Lou also voiced a 'what?'

"I still have your male clothes in my trunk. You deceived people once, why couldn't you do it again? Most people are new in town, and the old ones don't even remember any of you."

Lou knew that what Rachel was suggesting was not possible. Even though she was still as thin as she was ten years ago, her body had changed in ways that might not be too evident, and her hair was too long now to prove she was anything but a woman.

"That's impossible," a soft voice reached her ears. When she realized it was Kid, her face flamed and her hot blood started bubbling in her veins. There him again doubting her worth, and undermining her value. Who did he think he was?

Very slowly Louise turned her glaring eyes to him, and said, "I can do it. And nobody has a right to stick their noses into my matters, especially you."

With a simple gesture Lou motioned Rachel to follow and help her find those clothes. Kid would have to eat humble pie because she would show him differently, and tomorrow she would be in that stupid competition with all the men.

Unfortunately, Lou did not hear Kid's next comment, or she would have to rethink what she was foolishly going to do. "She now looks too much like a woman. No clothes can hide that." The others did not know whether to agree or keep quiet. Nobody had missed the cold, silent war between Lou and Kid, especially from her side, and all of them knew a word in one or another direction would push them into hot water.

Meanwhile, Lou and Rachel reached the loft where the former station mistress had a trunk with some old mementos. Rachel unlocked the chest and lifted the lid. "Are you sure you want to do this?" the former station mistress asked while Lou was rummaging among the numerous objects.

At the question Louise stopped and looked at her friend with a frown. "This was your idea, Rachel," Lou reminded her.

"Yes, but not as a way to sharpen your claws against Kid."

Lou shrugged, and continued rummaging until she found some of her old things: her brown pants, a couple of shirts, her vest, and hat. "I need to see if they still fit," Lou said.

Rachel nodded, and the two women came down from the loft, and walked into Rachel's bedroom. Lou stripped down to her underwear, which was not appropriate for the attire she was about to try on, but all her worn-out long johns had become dusters long ago.

Lou quickly put on the clothes, and had a look at herself in the mirror. Rachel stood next to her, also studying the reflection. Louise scrunched her nose. The clothes look fine on her, even though the pants were a bit taut on her hips and the shirt strained against her chest. "Something ain't right," Lou whispered thoughtfully.

"Put the hat on," Rachel suggested.

Lou did as her friend told her, but her long braid was still visible, so Rachel helped her hide her hair under the crown of her hat. "It still doesn't seem right," Lou remarked. "I wish I had my spectacles."

Rachel smiled as she said, "I have them here." Lou frowned, and the blonde woman added, "I found them in the bunkhouse. I don't know why I didn't put them with the rest of your things. They're in my closet in the corridor."

Rachel went to get the fake spectacles that Lou had worn for so long, and found them exactly where she had said. When she returned to the bedroom, she stopped short at the threshold of her door and an exclamation of horror left her lips. "Louise!"

Lou was still standing before the mirror. In one of her hands she held a pair of scissors, and in the other the long braid she had sheared off her head. Leaving both the scissors and the shorn hair on the dresser, she turned to Rachel with a smile. "Give them to me."

Rachel slowly walked into the room, watching Louise, who kept running her fingers through her now cut short curls. "Oh Lou, your beautiful hair."

Louise did not say anything about Rachel's comment, and simply took the spectacles from her, and put them on her nose just before she placed her hat again onto her head. Her eyes checked her reflection in the mirror once again, and her lips stretched into a satisfied smile. Now everything was right, and turning her eyes back to Rachel, she said, "So here he is. Lou's back."