River was steering the TARDIS when the Doctor woke. She wasn't aiming for anything particular, just ensuring that they didn't crash. It was the only way to keep busy and therefore the only way to stop from screaming or crying or both.
She'd finally understood what she'd just seen and gone through several stages of reaction: anger, sadness, anger, pain, anger, hollowness, anger, pity and anger. She didn't know which stage she was in now. She suspected it might be anger, again, from the way she couldn't stop from glaring at the Doctor every few moments and slamming the TARDIS controls.
He'd been out for a few hours, slumped on the floor. She'd thought about moving him but discovered that she didn't care enough to do so. He woke up groggily, blinking a few times as he sat up.
River watched him, slightly amused with her teeth clenched and arms folded from the console. He climbed clumsily to his feet and stormed over to the console.
Surprised, River watched as he snatched the silver lipstick up and threw it onto the floor. It clattered and rolled away before being smashed by the Doctor jumping on it. He continued to jump up and down until it was little more than a red smear and crushed metal. He then proceeded to take his sonic screwdriver and scan it until the metal sparked and smoked.
When he was done, he turned to River who turned away and continued to fly the TARDIS. She wondered whether she ought to tell him that was rimmel #04 and that the hallucinogenic lipstick was still in her pocket. He'd clearly been expecting some kind of reaction so slumped, sulkily against the console.
"Where are we going?"
She didn't look up at him. "Nowhere, I was just making sure we didn't fly into anymore stars."
"Well where do you want to go?"
"I have no preference." She replied curtly.
His hand reached out and grabbed hers. She tensed, knowing that if she moved it away it'd end up swinging back to slap him. Instead she snapped her eyes to his, sending him a look of so much venom that he flinched back slightly.
"What?" He asked. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing." She replied, moving to the other side of the console. He span round so that he was still facing her.
"River..." He whined.
"What?" She snapped.
"What's wrong?" He asked again. "All of time and space, come on!"
She gritted her teeth. There was no point telling him, it wouldn't change anything. She turned her back on him to check the stabilisers.
"River." He said again, his voice demanding. "Tell me what's wrong."
Unable to stop herself, she spun to face him. "I just went into your mind to see your memory." She said.
"Yes." The Doctor prompted.
"Well I believe you." She said, turning back to the controls.
"And that's a bad thing?" The Doctor asked.
"Yes." River's hands were shaking so she quickly put them under the console, hiding them from sight.
"But there's more?" He asked.
River looked away. She wanted to scream in frustration. She wanted to shout about how unfair life was. She wanted to cry out for her old life. She'd never felt so lost. Or awkward. Her finger traced the side of the console. She'd never felt so right either though. That was the worst of it because it somehow made the other stuff even worse in comparison.
"River." His voice was low now, almost threatening.
River cocked her head to the side and glared at him. "You should have let me die." She spat.
The blood drained from his face and he looked down as though he'd been slapped. River had to stop from smiling, it felt so good to watch someone else be hurt for a change.
"I see." Was all he said. He was silent for a few moments before turning round, his chin jutting out more than usual. "Can I ask why?"
River shook her head. How could she possibly explain it? "I can't remember my life before." She said at last. "And I can't remember my life in...the computer either. But I had children. I had friends. I can't remember their faces or even their names. But you think that not being able to remember it stops it from hurting? The loss of it all..." She trailed off, she could go on. She could tell him about the way the thought of it felt like a poison swathed knife in her guts. That the loneliness hurt more than being covered in paper cuts and rolled in salt. That she couldn't remember her dreams of last night but that she'd woken in a cold sweat, shaking like a four year old who'd had a nightmare.
The Doctor didn't need to know that though. For some reason, River was reluctant to add to the guilt that so obviously threatened to overwhelm him. She wanted him to hurt but not quite that much.
"I couldn't let you die." He replied, turning away from her.
"I got that." She replied, recalling the anguish on the man's face as he watched her die. "You should have, though."
"Well I couldn't!" He turned to her, shouting.
She pressed her lips together in fury. "Well that's quite the complex you've got there." She replied.
"Excuse me?" He snarled.
"You." She gestured to him. "Look at yourself! You just can't do it. You have to save people, don't you? Why? Because you enjoy the power of playing God? Because it makes you feel oh so much better than everyone else? Because you're far too important to let nature go against your wishes?"
He stepped up to her and brought his face down to her. "That has nothing to do with it." He hissed.
River pushed him backwards, furious. He stumbled and she followed him. "No because you're still trying to repent aren't you? You see yourself as such a bloody martyr. Well grow up and get over whatever you've done because you can't change it and you have to deal with it, sweetie." She spat the last word in disgust before grabbing to fistfuls of his shirt and pushing him against the pillar. "And if you ever," She snarled. "Shout in my face again, I will make sure you need a machine that can travel through time and space to find the body."
He nodded and mumbled an apology.
"Sorry," A female voice said, flustered from behind them. River hastily let go of the Doctor to turn to Clara who was stepping through the door of the TARDIS. "I didn't realise I was intruding."
"How did we get here?" River demanded of the Doctor.
"The TARDIS must have taken us." He said, nodding to the console. "Her house is the default location."
River forced herself to smile but her eyes were still shooting daggers at him. "Why?"
The Doctor looked confused. "Because she's my companion."
River folded her arms across her chest. "Your companion? And I was your wife? Who was that red haired woman in the memory? Is that what you do? Just fly across time and space picking up women?!"
"Wait till you hear about Elizabeth the first." Clara told her, a note of humour to her voice as she threw her scarf across the railing of the TARDIS.
River turned back to the Doctor. "So you're just a...an intergalactic space whore?"
Her anger turned to amusement at the look on the Doctor's face and both her and Clara started laughing. River walked to stand with Clara on the console. Her anger with the Doctor had turned to annoyance but Clara hadn't done anything wrong.
"And for the record," Clara said. "Nothing happened between us."
River detected a slight twinge of disappointment to the woman's words but she nodded all the same.
"Are you done?" The Doctor asked of the two of them which made them start laughing again. He was so obviously uncomfortable with the subject that he couldn't even hide his embarrassment.
"Did you close the door?" River asked, suddenly serious. The Doctor and Clara both turned to the TARDIS door which a second before had still been open to allow Clara to enter.
"No..." They said at the same time. The engines suddenly turned themselves on , the noise making all three of them jump as the metallic circles inside pumped up and down.
"River," The Doctor said. "Tell me you're doing that."
River glared at him. "Do I look like I'm doing it?"
He walked slowly over to her and Clara until they were all stood staring at the TARDIS's console as levers pulled themselves down and buttons pressed themselves.
"Is it the TARDIS?" Clara asked.
"No." River answered a second before the Doctor did.
"How would you-" He started but was cut off by a sudden ringing. Both the Doctor and River looked at Clara hopefully but she shook her head.
"No my ringtone's 'Call Me Maybe'."
River pulled a look of disgust before realising the Doctor was pulling an identical face.
"What?" Clara asked defensively. "It's catchy."
"So was the plague." River replied and the Doctor laughed before Clara silenced him with a glare.
River walked over to the old fashioned telephone, complete with dial, that hung from the console. She looked worriedly at Clara and the Doctor before putting the phone to her ear.
"Hello?" She asked.
It was a moment before anyone responded. "Hello. Looking for an added boost to your day? Then have we got a deal for you." An automated voice said. "Here at Santori Drugs we-"
River hung up. The Doctor looked at her expectantly and she shook her head at him. "Just a cold caller."
"What?" The Doctor asked.
"Some marketing company." River told him. "Santori Drugs I think they said."
The Doctor's invisible eyebrows rose. "River, they just phoned a ship in the time vortex."
"How?" She asked breathlessly as she realised what he was saying. The Doctor shrugged. She felt a rush of annoyance flood through her, she wanted to slap that smug look off of his face.
"Well we can ask them when we get there." He nodded at the engines, grinning. "Because I'm assuming that's where we're going."
Authors note: Just a quick thank you for all the reviews, I really appreciate it. This is my first ever Doctor/ River fic so thanks and please tell me if you think there's something I could improve, especially in terms of the characters. It's obviously quite hard in that they've never been portrayed like this in the show, I think they'd both be a little broken at this point so yeah if you think I'm moving that characters too far away from their original characterisations please tell me :)
