"When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate _."
Britta looked at the options in her hand. They were playing Cards Against Humanity at Troy, Abed and Annie's apartment and her card choices were:
-A Windmill Full of Corpses
-Elderly Japanese Men
-Peeing a Little Bit
-Stephen Hawking Talking Dirty.
-Harry Potter Erotica.
-Home Video of Oprah Sobbing into a Lean Cuisine.
-Brown People.
-Pixelated Bukkake
-Getting Really High
-A Gassy Antelope
She was never playing some of these. She doubted anyone but her and maybe Jeff and Dean Pelton knew what bukkake was, and she was not going to be the one to explain it to Troy and Annie. And she would rather die than play the literal "Brown People" card in front of Shirley. This game had been a lot more fun when she was playing it high at Kaho's place last summer. It was really uncomfortable playing it sober with this group. She was never letting Troy and Abed suggest this again. Britta had never even read Harry Potter...what was the safest choice? Geez, this was unlike her. She went with "Getting Really High."
"Okay," Pierce decided, "this was easy. Who put in 'Road Head.'" The other options included "The True Meaning of Christmas, "Being a Motherfucking Sorcerer," and "Farting and Walking Away."
Jeff smirked and nodded. "What even is that?" Annie asked. Jeff stopped smiling, and Britta went into panic face.
Pierce opened his mouth and Jeff cut him off, "Pierce! Annie, we all have an early day tomorrow with going back to Greendale. Maybe we should wrap this game up?"
"Fine! You know I'm an adult- I'm just gonna Google it," she challenged him.
Britta got up to put her glass in the sink. "Anyone want a refill while I'm up?" she asked.
"Oh, we never put out dessert! I have new cinnamon rolls I'm gonna sell at Shirley's Sandwiches I brought for you to try!" Shirley got excited and went to the kitchen to bring out the food she brought. Britta detoured from the kitchen to the bathroom, and unbeknownst to her, Jeff followed her, with everyone else distracted with cleaning up the game and getting coffee and milk.
"Hey!" Britta was startled when she turned to close the door. Jeff squeezed in behind her and locked it.
"Hey! Ready to get out of here?" he asked. "My place?" He hooked his index finger around the belt loop of her jeans.
She bit her lip. "Yeah, that was getting painful. I was laughing at all the wrong places. When Annie thought an erection that lasts more than 4 hours was a good thing? And then I had to explain whiskey dick? And Shirley got mad at 'Crumbs All Over the Goddamn Carpet' for taking the lord's name in vain, but she was okay with that leprosy thing? I don't get her sometimes."
"Oh, I totally get her. That's why I had 'My Black Ass' in my hand the whole game."
"Oh my god! I had 'Brown People.' It is kinda racist. I didn't realize until we were playing. There are, like, a dozen cards about minorities and only one 'White Privilege' card," Britta observed.
Jeff's other hand moved to cup her butt over her jeans. "Are we getting out of here? I don't want baked goods. I want to take you back to my place and fuck all night." He raised his eyebrow and smiled.
"Leave! I have to pee. Don't make this suspicious. I'll meet you there." Britta unlocked the door and ushered him out of the bathroom, where he ran into Dean Pelton. Jeff's brain was startled and it took him too long to make up an excuse.
"I...uh...she had a tag sticking up. It's fine now," he stumbled and brushed past the Dean.
"Jeff, wait!" Craig yelped after him, excitedly grabbing his arm, and dropping it quickly when he had Jeff's attention. "I want to talk to you about Greendale. I have some great ideas for the semester. Are you coming to the job fair this week?" The Dean had been thrilled to be included in game night. His life had been totally disrupted by being kidnapped by Chang in the spring. He lost his apartment; 'Moby' had been driving his car when it was seized by the bank, and they didn't believe Craig when he told them he had been captive in a basement at the time. His cell phone had been turned off...after the trial, he'd finally been able to prove that he'd been telling the truth all along. He'd just moved out of the motel and traded up his bike for another Prius. Now he was beginning to feel unstoppable.
When Britta finished in the bathroom and said her goodbyes to the group in the kitchen, Jeff and the Dean were still in conversation. She waved goodbye to both of them, keeping it casual, and drove to Jeff's apartment, where she waited for him in the parking lot. She turned on Antony & the Johnsons and closed her eyes, laying back against the headrest. She and Jeff had spent nearly the entire weekend together in bed, and she was sure Jeff meant it when he said he wanted to fuck all night. Classes started at 9:45 am and there were less than 12 hours left of summer. She couldn't think of anything better to do with that time before school began and she was a slave to Greendale and work and her online class.
They'd woken up the previous Sunday morning on his couch after a late night up talking. Her neck was achy and her left hip hurt from the weird position they'd fallen asleep in unexpectedly, and she was hot. The weight of Jeff's massive upper body was crushing hers. She pulled his arm off of her and as she tried to slide out from underneath him, he woke up and pulled her back under him. Yawning and rubbing his eyes with one hand, Jeff quickly adjusted his body weight to straddle her legs so she wouldn't be crushed, and nuzzled her neck beneath her ear. She could feel his morning wood against her stomach. "Morning," she whispered. "This is so uncomfortable. How are you hard right now?"
"What are you talking about?" Jeff stopped sucking her earlobe and looked her in the eye. "Oh. That's not you. But we can do something about it. And this couch is totally comfortable. You just hate it because it's leather."
"Well, yeah, but I'm really sore. My butt hurts from sleeping out here. I need a real mattress."
He raised an eyebrow at her, suggestively. "We did have pretty aggressive sex a couple days ago. Recovering?" He ran his thumb over her nipple and moved his mouth back to her neck. Britta felt him getting harder.
"That? Please. I like it rough and that barely qualified," she teased him. Britta slipped her hand over his defined abs into his boxers and cupped his balls, making Jeff bite her earlobe. It'd leave a mark. She wrapped her fingers firmly around his penis and began stroking him as she turned her head to meet his lips, his tongue plunging into her mouth. After a moment, he pulled away but his face remained close so their noses were almost touching.
"I sleep better with you here," he admitted. Even on the couch he'd gotten a better night's sleep than usual, though Britta didn't think about what he was saying until later that morning.
Jeff helped her sit up so he could take her t-shirt off, and slid a throw pillow under her hips. He slid his hands slowly down her body from her nipples to her belly button to the top of her thong, and peeled it down her legs. He kissed her stomach as he cupped her breasts and moved over her again, finally settling between her legs and bringing Britta into another deep kiss. She dug her heels into his butt and waited to feel Jeff press into her. Sometimes boring missionary was fucking amazing, especially when you were still half asleep and not thinking about anything yet. She pushed Jeff's shoulders back and groaned. "Wait! Shit. Condom."
Jeff matched her groan. "I knew it was too good." She felt him pause. "Aren't you on the pill?" he asked.
"Yeah, but it's not 100%," she countered. "And I think we're both happier with 100%."
He climbed off her and darted to the bedroom drawer. "Two seconds. Don't move." As he grabbed a handful of condoms, he privately reminded himself that this was Britta, and she would probably Britta her birth control; it probably was definitely safer to double up on protection with her. He always had with women he slept with anyway. She was laying on her side when he came back into the living room. "I thought I told you not to move?"
"I didn't. And don't tell me what to do." she teased, though privately she meant it. "Let's just go to your bed."
Jeff got back on top of her. "I don't want to wait." He kissed her as he put on the condom. Britta kissed him back- she didn't either. She bent her legs back and felt Jeff slowly enter her, pushing deep inside her. "Rough?" he asked.
She shook her head. "Deeper's better. Number 3…" She moaned softly. He could hear her breath get shorter for a moment. "Deep and…" she moaned again. Jeff knew what she was going to say. He thrust into her with fast, hard, deep strokes, as she sucked his neck (he'd later discover a hickey he had to attempt to explain to Shirley as an allergic reaction to a bug bite). "Oh, god, Jeff...oh, god…" He loved watching her come. It was a completely relaxed part of her he rarely saw any other time. She was either goofy or wound up most of the time. He came right after her and they lay there for a moment, his head buried in her shoulder, as Britta debated in her head if the couch was really so uncomfortable that she wanted to move all 20 feet to the bedroom to sleep or just give up and fall asleep right now. Jeff suddenly stood up and announced he was going to the gym.
"Now? Seriously?" she didn't even try to hide how annoyed she was.
"What? I'm not telling you to leave. Stay. Sleep." He saw the annoyed, progressing to pissed, look on her face. He was learning not to mess with her first thing in the morning. "Come on, Britt, sleep. You won't know I'm gone." He gathered the clothes he'd helped her remove not long ago, and led her to the bedroom, where he changed into his gym clothes. "Back soon."
Britta hadn't really cared that Jeff had gone to the gym, and she was glad for another couple hours of rest in his very comfortable bed, but she couldn't help feeling a little miffed that he came back waxed and with a new haircut. "I actually can't define what's bothering me," she admitted when he got back. "That you would take off for hours or that your body's more waxed than mine is? I think I'm out."
"Oh, come on," he goaded her. "I brought lunch. We can fuel up and I can make it up to you?" He had worried she might be cranky he took so long. While he was waiting for their order, he thought about picking her up some lilies from the flower shop next door, as kind-of a make-up slash last weekend of summer bouquet. But couldn't think of a way to pull it off that wasn't too relationshippy, so decided against it.
"What'd you get?" she debated.
"Quinoa bowls from that new place you like."
Britta acquiesced, getting out of bed to attack the food. Well, she thought, it was good to have a reminder that Jeff is totally egotistical. She was not going to get attached to him this year.
He did make it up to her…on the kitchen counter, in the shower…she was nearly late for work. She's finally have a couple of days off after tonight. It was a weird night; a lot of her regulars were out of town enjoying a last summer vacation, but the restaurant was still packed with students coming back to town. Unfortunately, the creepy barfly who came in regularly hadn't been deterred by his erroneous idea that Ian Duncan was her boyfriend. He was back and more obnoxious than ever. Britta was thrilled to see Jeff come in a few hours into her shift, as he'd promised, to have dinner at the bar and hang out with her. They'd already planned to go home together.
Jeff walked into Juniper Hill and immediately recognized John from Britta's description of him. The guy was slightly older than Jeff, but otherwise fairly attractive. He kept trying to get Britta's attention and she was not into it, so Jeff was only mildly surprised when she called out to him, "Hey honey." He knew she must have been pushed past her limit with this guy, but it still made him smile.
"Hey…sweetie." Jeff watched her try to hide her wince and it made him smile even bigger.
"Glad you could make it; I know you were working. This is my boyfriend, Jeff. He's a lawyer." She hated herself as she forced the words out.
"They make you work on a holiday?" John asked.
"Yeah, well, client's in London, but I missed you, babe." Of all the nicknames Britta hated…
Shit- Britta couldn't think of any cutesy, gross nicknames. She'd get him back later. She poured him a Macallan and he kissed her across the bar. He could swear she blushed. She moved down the bar to assemble cocktails for another table. Jeff turned to John and asked him, "So, you come here a lot?"
"Oh, every once in awhile. My buddy works here."
Jeff knew this was a lie. He was in here all the time. "Or do you just come in here when Britta's the bartender?"
John laughed nervously. "You're a lucky guy."
"Yeah, I know. She's an amazing woman. And I'm very protective of her. She doesn't like being sexually harassed at work and she doesn't want to cause a scene. She doesn't know we're having this conversation. We could finish this conversation outside, or you could stop hitting on my girlfriend."
"I don't know what you're talking about. She's a good bartender. I think you maybe misunderstood. We're not gonna have any problems." John promised.
"Are you sure?" Jeff demanded. He hadn't anticipated this tonight, and he was fairly proud of how intimidated John was looking. His upper body work was totally paying off.
John nodded, and Jeff moved to take another seat down the bar where he and Britta could talk in private. It wasn't long before John took off, much to the relief of both of them. "Thank you," Britta confided in him. "I'm sorry, I feel totally gross. I know I told you I'd never make up a boyfriend and I have principles against it, but I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry I caught you up in it. I guess it was really easy. So, we're even for your Mom now, huh?"
"Yeah," he laughed. "More than even." Britta reached over and picked up another $5 tip. "Nice," Jeff commented. "I see why you don't want to cut back your hours. You're making bank. This is stripper money." Britta had been pulling in some serious cash all night, and it was only a Monday.
"Tell me about it," she said. "Did you notice I have an actual car bumper now, and not a plastic-duct tape fusion thing going on?"
"And now you get why I'm so happy to go back to being a lawyer next week?"
"I'm offended you would compare the two!" she stated, just as a table of drunken frat boys from City College created a loud crash of glass on the floor, and one of them fell out of their seat. She purposefully ignored it.
"Look what I got." He reached into his back pocket and showed her a mailing for a new apartment building in town, offering a month rent-free when you moved in by October 1st. It was a gorgeous modern building, with a media room, laundry and a gym. Perfect for Jeff. "I'm checking it out Thursday."
They went back to Jeff's later that night and unwound on the couch watching more Archer before abandoning it to a make out session that landed them on the floor, and moving to his bedroom (Britta rightfully demanded a sabbatical from couch sex).
Now as Britta waited in her car, she realized how much time she'd been spending with Jeff this summer. It was a lot, and not sustainable. Good thing they were getting all this out of their system now before school started. Still, she thought, it was nice to have a reliable form of stress relief to fall back on this year. And the sneaking around made it pretty fun. They'd just made it past their first unofficial test with game night, arriving in separate cars and carefully planning what time they'd each arrive. Jeff hit traffic and they accidentally wound up at Trobedie's at the same time, though she was pretty confident no one suspected anything. Shirley did ask her about the bite mark Jeff left on her ear, but bought that it was a curling iron burn. Thank god she couldn't see the bruises on Britta's knee and butt from the shower. They had really taken on some color today.
Jeff lightly tapped at her window and she opened her eyes and shut the car off.
"What the hell were you and Craig talking about?" she grilled him. He had taken forever.
Jeff shook his head. "Greendale stuff. They're still short faculty, and he wanted to talk to me about what I'm doing after I graduate. He thinks I'll make a good teacher. He wouldn't let me leave until I promised I'd drop by the job fair on Wednesday."
"Teach at Greendale? What would you even teach?" she wondered.
"They probably pay you in loose change and cafeteria food….I don't know. Law and English. I'm not going to do it. I'm just going to the job fair to humor him so he'll leave me alone and let me graduate. The last thing I want is for him to accidentally lose my transcripts."
"I can see you as a teacher," Britta admitted. "It can't be that hard. Duncan does it. Everyone liked him."
Jeff shook his head. "My life would really be over. Jeff Winger, almost 40, community college teacher."
"Calm down, you're not almost 40." She laughed. Jeff realized Britta probably didn't know exactly how old he was. He was turning 38 in the fall and getting a little self conscious about it. It felt different than turning 37. 37 felt closer to 30. 38 felt closer to 40, and officially middle aged. He wasn't going to tell her.
"Yeah, I just want to move on and do something else before I'm 40," he said instead.
"You are. You only have a few more months of blow off classes and then you have to be a grown up. You should probably enjoy them," Britta warned him. "Most people don't get that second chance."
He knew she meant the chance to go back to school, but she was leaning against her white car, her blonde hair framing her face and her body illuminated by moonlight. In the moment, he heard a voice in his head tell him this semester was his last chance with her. Jeff leaned in and softly kissed her, wrapping his arms around her hips. He was torn. He didn't just want to fuck her all night; he wanted them to go upstairs and sleep together, and wake up next to each other. In these moments when they were alone, he didn't want to be her fake bar boyfriend, but he didn't know what he wanted to be to her. He was only sure that he didn't want it to be their last semester together, and he didn't want to go back to Greendale tomorrow.
Britta gently broke their kiss. "We should go upstairs…neighbors…"
"Mmm-hmm." Jeff nodded.
They only got a few hours sleep, making a plan to set the alarm for 7 am (since they both knew they'd hit snooze a million times). Britta would have to go back to her place to change and they'd start their first day at Greendale arriving in separate cars at separate times (Britta 9:15 am, Jeff 9:20 am).
That plan didn't quite work out so well as expected. Britta took longer to get ready than she thought she would. She forgot how long curling her hair took in the morning, and she and Jeff both wound up arriving at Greendale around 9:30 am. They pulled into the parking lot a few spots down from each other and ran into each other as they ran to grab coffee from Shirley's Sandwiches.
"We need to work out a better plan," Jeff noted.
"Yeah, well, I'm working tonight, so don't worry about it now," she whispered.
Shirley let them discretely cut the line for their skim lattes, but pulled them to the side. "I guess you haven't seen the new cafeteria layout, because you two are too quiet." She pointed them to the regular line for food, and they spotted Chang behind the counter wearing a hairnet, serving up scrambled eggs and breakfast potatoes.
"What?!" Jeff exclaimed.
"Yeah, are you serious?" Britta asked. "I thought the school would have a restraining order, or at least Dean Pelton?"
"It's part of his community service," Shirley explained. "He started this morning. The school board thought it'd be a good idea since the school is so strapped for cash. Nevermind they're the ones who keep cutting Greendale's budget. It's a damn shame. We thought this place was insane when it shut down for a blanket fort. No, no, no…. She gave Chang the stink eye. He was totally oblivious.
"I'm sorry Shirley," Britta attempted to console her. "We'll catch up after class in the study room."
Chang's presence at Greendale was almost all they could talk about in their first study session of the semester, though they did manage to decide on a history class to take together. Britta announced that she wanted to organize a voter registration drive on campus with the big Presidential election coming up; apparently Greendale students' had an abysmal 12% voter registration rate. Annie volunteered to help, and thought she could bring Vicky on board. Pierce started to get on her nerves, reminding everyone that the legalization of "Mary Jane" was up for a vote in Colorado, too, until Jeff finally declared the study room a no politics zone. Just once he accidentally called her "Britt" in front of the group, but saved it with a "…TA."
Shirley couldn't help bringing up again how mad she was about having to look at Chang in the cafeteria all day ("the most dangerous place at Greendale…think of how easy it would be for him to poison everyone…I guess that could be good for business at Shirley's Sandwiches…"), Annie reminded them that there were a number of issues on the ballot relating to the School Board and Greendale's budget as well. "A couple of those guys are up for reelection," Annie reminded them. "We should get more involved with the school, and show up at some of their campaign events to remind people of how their policies are hurting Greendale." Annie was clearly getting fired up. Britta imagined the 50-point plan with campaign events calendar Annie would be drawing up tonight.
Everything felt back to normal.
Britta was home trying to concentrate on reading her first chapter of her new psychology textbook for her Memory Laboratory with Dr. Duncan. It was so strange calling him that in class now that they'd hung out. Her phone buzzed and she saw a text from Jeff: 'Mom's wedding – Sep 29. Denver. I'll get us a hotel room so we can get drunk. You in?'
