A/N - Last chapter - more AU than the rest - enjoy!
******
The rush of the river's water soothed the pain Hephaistion was feeling in his head and his heart. It calmed the confusion racking his brain, and pacified the overwhelming feeling of hope that clutched at all his internal organs. How could a man be expected to calmly wrap his mind around so much information all at once, when that man's heart and emotions were surely working against his brain and wisdom?
He wished only to close his eyes and drift off to another time. The unfortunate problem that arose was that he was unsure which time he wished to be in. Perhaps the years of being by Alexander's side, waiting and wanting and yearning; the younger times, when Alexander only had eyes for him and the army was not so prevalent in the young King's thoughts. Or perhaps the past few months were the better choice; times where he kept his body and mind busy with hard labor and other things besides Alexander. His confusion wrapped around him like a deadly serpent, squeezing his brain and body, until he had to lie back and close his eyes.
*****
Alexander paused beside the clearing to the river. He'd known where to look for Hephaistion as soon as he'd stormed out. His beloved reclined beside the beautiful water, and had his eyes been open, Alexander knew they would have matched the stunning beauty of the water and the sky. He missed those eyes dearly, those blues that intrigued him, that hypnotized and drowned him. He missed everything about the man and realized he could stand for an entire day or more, just looking at him, just taking in all that was Hephaistion. It was more than just the mere beauty of the man, though that was definitely something only a blind man with no hands with which to feel could possibly ignore.
His beloved had always had a cloud of serenity and peace that encompassed him. He'd always brought a calming presence into every situation, whether he purposely tried or not. Even as boys, Alexander had marveled at the way Hephaistion could contain and distract the madness around him. He could definitely take care of himself when the need arose but his words and gestures always brought far better resolutions than his fists or the ones of their friends', Alexander himself included.
Alexander had sensed Hephaistion's aura becoming blacker and less encompassing over the past couple of years, but he had been so busy with ruling and conquering and proving something to everyone, including himself, that he had simply ignored the grayness that began to follow his best friend, his closest companion, his lover for all time. And now it would seem that he was too late. He'd lost, again, that which he had come to this place to find, to rekindle, to reestablish; Hephaistion's love. And really, if he loved the man as much as he knew he did; his heart and soul and whole body, should he not just be happy that his beloved had regained his calmness and peacefulness and serenity, even if it was with another?
"So I was right?" Hephaistion sat up quickly, turning to see Alexander approaching slowly. "I pictured you enjoying this place, did I not?"
"You did and you were right. It is my favorite spot for thought and reflection. I believe it was when I was a boy as well."
"It suits you," the man said, dropping himself to the ground beside Hephaistion. "It's beautiful and calm and wise and wild all at the same time, as are you."
Hephaistion smiled shyly. "I'm sorry I ran out. That was most inconsiderate of me, Alexander," he dipped his head, then looked back up into the intense brown eyes. "Perhaps I'm still not ready to deal with Cleitus' death but the dagger ... it makes it all the more real."
"I understand and I'm certainly not one you have to explain your behavior to, Phai. Are you feeling any better?"
"Yes, thank you. Is it true Alexander?"
"Cleitus?"
"I trust you would not say such a terrible thing if it were not true, but did he truly not suffer?"
Alexander tore his eyes from his beloved's, his gaze focusing on the rushing water. He wanted to lie to Hephaistion. He wanted to save him the details of Cleitus' death but he knew he couldn't. "It was not swift as I said. He did suffer, but he also exorcised some of his demons as well. I spent as much time with him as I could and he spoke of you with so much love and respect, Phai. You truly brought happiness into his life."
"And he had words for you as well, I assume?" Hephaistion smiled, his heart full of sadness for the death of his good friend, but pride peeked through also, pride that Cleitus had loved him so dearly.
"Oh, yes," Alexander managed a chuckle. "He solidified my reason for being here."
"How so?"
"Cleitus was never one to hold his tongue, as you well know, but when he was close to death he became even more frank. I guess you could say he gave me a well-deserved and long-awaited tongue lashing."
"He was harsh with you?"
"Not at all. He was honest, and did not tell me anything that was not already buried deeply and inexcusably inside of me. Cleitus brought me back to where I should have been all along. He brought me back to my true self, Phai." Alexander looked longingly at Hephaistion, his eyes showing everything in his heart.
"Then it's true that you have no intention of going back?"
"I am no longer king. All I am and all I have is what you see before you."
"But who ...?'
"Ptolemy."
"Was it ever proven that he is your half-brother? Did Philip even claim him before he died?"
"He did, but with the stipulation that it not be revealed unless a situation of dire importance erupted. This situation was dire ... to me."
"And Ptolemy? Did he know?"
"He did. And should it have been any other man, I believe there would be been a dispute, but with Ptolemy ... well, he was content in his position and even when my decision was made, he did not go forth and celebrate the news."
"He did not want to be king?"
"You know our Ptolemy. He was content with his title but he has now accepted, and I believe, is flourishing as king."
"That is the most incredulous thing, and I'm not sure I'll ever wrap my mind around it."
"I'm sorry I suddenly appeared with such news, Hephaistion, both of Cleitus and of myself. And I most certainly do not expect to remain here with you and your new wife."
Hephaistion's eyes shot from the peaceful water to Alexander's sad face. "My what?"
"I'm pleased you'll have such a fine woman to love, and to be the mother of your children."
"Alexander, did you suffer a fall and perhaps, knock yourself senseless? I have no new wife and I certainly have no children." Hephaistion's eyes opened wide and he tilted his head in confusion.
"I met Cassandra and she's lovely. I hope you'll be very ..."
"Cassandra?" Hephaistion laughed out loud. "Why would you believe she's to become my wife?"
"She told me so," the former King insisted. "She was quite clear on the matter, I assure you."
"And I assure you that I have not even kissed the girl, Alexander."
"So you're a man of respect and honor, that's admirable ..."
"And I never intend to. She, perhaps, feels differently. Did you honestly believe I'd found myself a woman and was settling down?"
"I ..."
"A woman, Alexander?" Hephaistion couldn't help smirking at the audacity of the Alexander's thoughts.
"She said ..." Alexander looked down at his hands, his face reddening.
"Do you not know me better than that, my love? You have always been the only one in my heart and you'll be the only one in my heart, always." Placing a finger under Alexander's chin, Hephaistion brought their eyes to focus on each other again. "There is no girl, nor woman, nor man who has ever, or will ever, replace the love I have for you."
Alexander gasped quietly. "You still love me?"
"You believed it to be otherwise?"
"You have avoided me since I arrived."
"Because I feared my heart could not take another farewell, Xander. I could not bear to let myself love you and then have you leave."
"You called me Xander," Alexander smiled, his eyes crinkling softly. "You've not called me that since we were young."
"Just don't tell the dog, he may feel you've taken his name."
Alexander moved his hand and rested it lovingly on Hephaistion's face, his thumb gently rubbing the man's cheekbone. "I've been such a fool, Hephaistion, such an utter and blind fool. I let the feelings and words of others sway what was in my heart. I allowed others, who had no bearing in my life, who had no importance to me in this world, smother my true feelings. I allowed myself to be led away from you, the man who has always held my heart. Will you ever find it in yourself to forgive me?"
A small sob escaped Hephaistion's throat as his heart soared and his mind finally submitted to his feelings. "You're not a fool, my love. I've never thought you a fool and no matter how many times you may have broken my heart or dampened my spirit, there is no way I could ever inot/i forgive you," he blurted out, placing his hand over Alexander's on his face and leaning in to the contact. "You're all I want in my life, but I fear I may have driven you to give up everything for me ..."
The former King opened his mouth to speak but was quieted by Hephaistion's finger on his lips. "I may fear that very fact, but I must be truthful to you and tell you I have no guilt with regards to it. I'm overjoyed to have you here, and I hope you will forgive me for wanting you so badly, that I wished for you to come to me with just this news, and in just this way. I believe I may have turned into a selfish man in my short time away."
"Not selfish, Phai, merely deserving. You deserve everything you wish for and if it is truly I that you wish for, then it is I you shall have. I am proud to be your beloved and ashamed to have forgotten that fact for so long."
Hephaistion stroked a curl from Alexander's face, watching a tear slip slowly down the man's face. "I have missed you ... ."
"Then I can stay?"
"I cannot have a wayward king roaming the country, now can I? It is my duty to save him, is it not?"
Alexander's eyes softened as he looked into the cerulean pools of his beautiful lover. "No more duties, Phai. No more duties and no more kingly rules. I am yours for now, and always, and you shall now rule over me."
"I want not to rule you, only to love you and be with you. That's all I've ever wanted." He moved his lips to Alexander's and pressed their mouths together. "My home is your home, Alexander, but if I have to set my own rules, in order that you never leave me, then so be it."
Grasping Alexander by the shoulders, Hephaistion pushed him to the ground and straddled his body, his mouth crushing the unresisting one beneath him. Tongues forced themselves past willing lips and teeth, tangling together and bringing sighs from the bodies so desperate to be together, for so long.
Hephaistion pressed his tightening crotch to Alexander's, straightening his legs so he lay completely covering the former king, lips to toes. "It's been too long, Xander," he whispered as tears suddenly sprang to his eyes. "Gods, I've missed you."
"And I, you," Alexander whispered back, his hands roaming the hardness of Hephaistion's back and settling on his bottom. "I have so many regrets of all that happened before you left ..."
"No, my beloved," Hephaistion moaned, one hand stroking the curls from his lover's forehead and the other caressing the man's chest. "No regrets and no apologies. I wish to start over with you, in every way."
"Just allow me one request." Hephaistion's cerulean beauties met the intense brown of Alexander's eyes and he nodded. "I want you to take me, Phai. I've always wanted you to take me, but my pride and my stubbornness never allowed it. Please make me yours in every possible way."
Hephaistion dropped his head to Alexander's shoulder, the stinging tears wetting the man's tunic without remorse or embarrassment. "It's not what I need, Alexander. It's not what I need to be with you, if it does not suit you. I wish only to be with you."
Grabbing Hephaistion's shoulders and bringing him back up to face him, Alexander's eyes mirrored the wetness of the former general's. "It is what I need, Phai. I wish no longer to be that man who fears the looks and whispers of others, or who fears he will be less a man by being dominated by someone he loves. I am not that man anymore. I love you and I want to submit to you and be completely yours."
"I love you." Hephaistion's words were drowned by Alexander's mouth taking his. The two kissed desperately at first, as boots were hastily removed and tunics shed. Hands explored bare skin as if it was newfound territory, while the sun beat down on their nakedness and eventually left the sky in the hands of the shining moon. The desperation gave way to tenderness and loving caresses, as mouths and lips and tongues sucked and licked and nipped.
Hephaistion ran his tongue down the body he had painfully missed; over the stubbled jaw, down the yielding neck and around the erect nipples. He was feeling more emotions than he had ever felt in his life, all at the same time. Love, fear, want, need, guilt, pleasure, and longing all mixed and throbbed within his body, the throbbing matching that of his fully erect member and making him moan against Alexander's skin.
"I feel remorse that I will not be your first, Alexander, and more so that you will not be mine as well ..."
"Cleitus told me, Phai," Alexander whispered, taking Hephaistion's head in his hands and pulling him back up to face him. Pressing his lips lingeringly to his lover's, he gripped the long hair then finally pulled away. "It will be as if we are both in the throes of our youth again, my love, as if we are both innocent virgins because that is the way we are at this very moment. New and fresh and finally together. I've prayed you would receive me in this way, with passion and forgiveness and acceptance. There's nothing to fear, Phai, just take me and make me yours for all our lives."
Hephaistion grabbed Alexander's head and crushed their lips together, all feelings of insecurity and guilt and fear replaced by nothing but love. As his lips moved against his beloved's, his hand roamed Alexander's body, caressing the strong chest and taut belly, the slim hips and muscular thighs, and finally the stiff members pressed together between their bodies.
"It will be my pleasure and privilege to make love to you, Xander," he whispered, as Alexander sucked in his breath from the feel of the hand on his cock. "You're making all my dreams come true and were I to die at this very moment, I would die a truly happy man."
"There will definitely be no dying, Phai," Alexander murmured, his own hands running down Hephaistion's muscled arms and smooth back then clutching his round backside. He felt his lover tremble beneath his fingertips and could not keep the smile from overtaking his face. "I've not come this far to have to follow you to Hades so soon. But you can trust that from now on, I will follow you wherever you wish to go."
"You've truly changed, Alexander, and I truly love you with all my heart." Hephaistion whispered against his beloved's lips. "How do you prefer ... I ..."
"I wish to face you ... I need to see the pleasure and emotions play out on your face so I can share in them, and you in turn can share in mine."
As two bodies became one, an epiphany of moans and groans filled the quiet air and they loved like their bodies were new to each other, like their hearts had suddenly became one, and like they had never loved before.
*****
Alexander opened his eyes first, setting aside a strand of long auburn hair that clung to the stickiness of his face. He turned his head and looked adoringly at the still-sleeping Hephaistion, his heart soaring with a contentment and calmness he had not felt in years. They lay, limbs entwined, by the gentle flow of the river, the soft bubbling having lulled them to sleep when their bodies finally gave out in exhaustion.
He touched his lips, finding them sore and chapped, chuckling softly to himself, knowing the price of swollen lips was a most agreeable sum to pay for the enormous pleasure he had reaped from kissing his beloved for what had to have been hours. He reached out a hand and gently touched the sleeping beauty, pushing the sweaty locks from his lover's skin and allowing his fingers to linger and trace the familiar contours of Hephaistion's face.
To think he had allowed this man to get away from him, to leave him and just walk out of his life and take his very heart and soul with him. He vowed they would not be separated again, and he would do everything in his power to make Hephaistion as happy as he was at that very moment.
"You stare at me with such love in your eyes, my King," the awakened man whispered, as Alexander's eyes met the deep blue of his eyes. "If I were a young lady, I would surely be blushing now from the lusty thoughts you so openly display."
"I am not your king any longer, remember?" Alexander corrected, leaning over and pressing his lips to Hephaistion's. "And should you be a young lady, I would not be looking at you in the same way, nor would I be feeling the lust that I am."
Hephaistion laughed and raised himself up onto his elbows. "I feel I am truly still living in a dream, Xander. And in that dream, you will always be my beloved king, and I will always be your loyal general."
"But that was not a happy circumstance for you, Phai, nor was it for me," Alexander replied, sitting up and wrapping his body around his lover from behind, his thighs straddling Hephaistion's hips and his arms sliding around his muscular chest . "Is this not truly a better situation that we are now in, as equals, with the eyes of no one judging or preaching to us?"
"There will always be eyes," Hephaistion replied, leaning back into Alexander's embrace.
"But not eyes of men willing to take everything we mean to each other and use it to our disadvantage. Can you not see that?"
"Of course, and I do agree, but I merely wish for you to recognize that being together here does not alleviate all the scorn that is still in the hearts of men, Xander. You spoke of being swayed by the thoughts of others ..."
"But I shan't be swayed again, of that I can promise you. Are you truly happy I'm here, my beloved?"
"How can you ask me that? I am happier than any man deserves to be, but I still worry that this is not your destiny, that this is not what and who you are fated to be."
"A very wise man once told me that iyou/i are my destiny and my dream, Hephaistion, and I only wish I would have realized it sooner in my life, and not put you through the pain that I did. Do you have other fears, my love?"
"Yes." Hephaistion dipped his head, resting his chin on his chest as he dug deep for the courage he needed to continue. "I still fear you'll become tired of the life you have now chosen. I fear I have unknowingly forced you to come to the harsh decision you have made, and you will end up regretting that decision and come to feel disillusioned with me. You're everything I care for and by the sweet breath of Aphrodite, I've been so jealous of losing you to this world you want so badly, but have I now forced your hand, Alexander? Have I been so jealous and afraid of losing you, that's I've taken away the very things that make you ... Alexander?"
Alexander's eyes welled up, but he made no move to clear his blurry vision, instead clutching Hephaistion closer to him. "The only world I want so badly, is your world, Hephaistion, and my decision is one of finality. There may not be a lot that I am aware of right now as I gaze upon all the beauty that is you and I together, but there is one thing I know for sure. You are my destiny, Phai, you are my life and I am yours. I generally trust in your fears and your instincts, my beloved, but in this situation, I can assure you that there is no cause for you to be hesitant. I'll be here with you until we are old, gray men, until we are unable to walk unassisted to this beautiful river, and until the both of us take that one final journey and meet again in the great beyond."
"You've become rather poetic in your ide-kinging/i, Xander," Hephaistion turned his head and whispered into the bright curls, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to Alexander's lips. "I may ask you to repeat your words again and again, just so they stay fresh in my mind. Would you find that bothersome or too repetitive, my love?"
"Never. But I hope a few more afternoons like today will help alleviate some of your fears."
"Only a few?" Hephaistion cooed, turning further in Alexander's arms then moving his body to straddle him.
"You are a naughty general, aren't you?"
"Only Your naughty general though ... only yours."
*****
"Greetings, Alexander," Hephaistion called out, as the blond man strode through the door, hair sticking out every which way from the ponytail fastened at his neck. He was dirty and tired and thrilled to be home again. "You're later than was expected. I trust everything went well?"
"I've negotiated the take-over of entire lands, General Hephaistion, so I do believe I can sell a few horses," Alexander smirked, wrapping his arms around his lover from behind and breathing in his intoxicating scent before pressing a gentle kiss to the back of his neck.
"But what you fail to mention, my King, is that I was a far better negotiator than you," Hephaistion smirked back.
"Yes, I concur. You win, as always," Alexander replied, squeezing his lover between his strong arms. "And as I've not been anyone's king in over two years, I believe you can stop using my title now."
"You'll always be my king, have I not told you that before?" the longhaired man growled, rising from the laid-out scroll before him and turning into Alexander's arms. He wiped some dirt from the man's cheek before pressing a soft kiss to the side of his mouth. "And have I also told you lately how proud I am of you, my love?"
"Yes, but I never tire of hearing it," Alexander quipped, pulling gently on the leather cord that held his lover's hair back then running his fingers through the strands as they fell softly on Hephaistion's shoulders. "In what way are you proud of me, again?"
Hephaistion smirked and ran his hands down the man's back, feeling the muscles twitch and tremble beneath his fingers. He stopped his exploration when he reached the taut bottom and gave it a squeeze. "Well, let me think for a moment," he teased as he pressed open-mouthed kisses to the short hairs of Alexander's jaw. "I'm proud that even iafter/i the fact that you were no longer iruler of all/i sunk in to your love-addled brain, that you still kept your promise that you would never leave me. And I'm proud that you have adjusted to the life of a mere commoner so well and with such vigor."
"Is that all?" Alexander replied, his fingers raking lovingly through his beloved's hair.
"Oh no, of course not," Hephaistion hissed. "I'm also glad that despite the hard labor I subject you to day after day, you still have enough energy and stamina to make me yours night after night ..."
"And for you to make me yours, as well."
"That, my love, goes without saying, but would you like to know what I'm most proud of?"
Alexander knotted his fingers in Hephaistion's long locks and pulled gently. "Yes, though I can't imagine there's anything more important than what you just said."
Squeezing Alexander's rump again, Hephaistion pulled him against his chest and whispered seductively in his ear. "I'm most proud that you've kept this lovely bottom of yours so ripe and in shape for me. It is my favorite of your assets, you know."
"Hephaistion! I'm appalled at your favoritism," Alexander teased. "How can you say such a thing when I know for a fact that there is at least one other of my assets that satisfies you more than my ripe bottom."
"Excuse me, my lord ... now that I think harder on the subject, you may be right, but your ass is definitely a close second."
After a little more teasing and chuckling and some further indulgence into the fine art of kissing, the men looked deeply into each other's eyes and grew quiet and serious. "How is she today?" Alexander broke the silence.
"I fear it won't be long, but she's in good spirits. Go speak with her," Hephaistion urged, running a hand through Alexander's long curls.
"I still believe she does not care for me," Alexander murmured, leaning his forehead to his lover's.
"And she thinks the same about you. You must get past your discomfort and remember who is my beloved, Alexander. She poses no threat to you and never has. She needs us ... both of us."
Alexander nodded and with one last kiss, turned and headed down the hall. He knocked quietly on the door to the room that had once been his, part of him hoping the occupant inside was asleep. Just before he was about to step away, he heard a soft greeting from within then drawing a long breath and releasing it slowly, he entered the room.
"Alexander?" the frail woman on the bed spoke softly. "Please sit down. I've been wanting to speak with you."
"How are you feeling?" Alexander asked, seating himself on the chair beside the bed. "You look better."
Cassandra managed a slight laugh but soon fell quiet again. "I've always been jealous of you," she murmured. "I've always resented that you interrupted the life I had hoped to build with Hephaistion two years ago."
"I know."
"But now I see you as a good friend, and seeing the two of you together, I cannot imagine him with anyone else, not even me."
"Thank you."
"I know I have not long to live ..."
"That's perhaps not true ..."
"It is and I'm at peace with it, Alexander, because I know you and Hephaistion will always be together, and will always provide a home for my dearest. I know his days will always be filled with goodness and honor and love."
"And do you still not wish for us to find his father? Does he not have the right to know he has a son?"
"He does not. He bedded me and walked from my life the moment he knew I was with child. He has not even seen his son, nor do I ever wish him to. You and Hephaistion are his fathers, and I wish for that to remain so when I'm gone."
"We are honored, you know that."
"Please promise me that you will take care of him, and love him as if he were your own."
"We already do."
Cassandra nodded and closed her eyes, her face pale but relaxed in peace. "The sickness is getting worse, Alexander. I merely wish to pass on now, to be with my grandfather again, and to leave my son in your loving hands. I'm tired, and I no longer even have milk to sustain him. Please take him out to Hephaistion, he needs to be fed and changed. Go, Alexander, leave me with my thoughts."
Alexander nodded and sadly bent to kiss the feverish cheek, taking the bundle from her arms and quietly shutting the door behind him. Hephaistion stood just outside, his already-grieving body slumped against the wall, tanned arms crossed across his chest. "Does she wish me to go in?"
"No. She wishes to be alone. I believe the time is very near. Take him from me, will you, I fear I will drop him."
"You always fear you will drop him, but you never have," Hephaistion smiled, taking the blanketed infant from his lover's arms. "We'll take good care of him, won't we?"
"Of course. He's the son we both always dreamed of having. He'll grow up with tales of glorious battles and mighty generals and foolish kings and he'll have more love than any boy could ask for."
"Yes, he will." Hephaistion pushed the edges of the blanket from the baby's face as the child reached out and wrapped the former general's index finger in his own tiny hand, looking up into the adoring face "And one day, he'll also know that he had a third father," Hephaistion whispered. "A man who was brave and strong and loyal and loving. A man who would be proud to know there is a beautiful new lad to carry on his name."
Alexander stepped forward, enfolding the two people who held his heart, into his embrace, and whispering proudly into Hephaistion's hair. "I love you so much that my heart will surely burst, Phai, you and our own little Cleitus."
