Okay, so I know it's been a while... Sorry :/ Haha It's been so lonely without writing! GAH. Okay, so here it is. Honestly, not much, but I'm setting the stage for something. So yeah. REVIEWERS. Oh, how I love youx3
-Princesakarlita411
ohmygosh. I love you. XD And can you believe that my mom is actually considering letting me move? One of her best friends lives in Toronto! *squeal* awesomeness(: Anywayyy, weren't the episodes amazing? :D
-Queen of Caspian's Heart
They're quite lovely(: haha and thanks! sometimes, I just wanna give Munro Chambers a hug. Well... more like all the time :3
-HowistheDRAMAQUEEN
aw, that's cute! haha thanks! (:
-zeldaskeeper
me too! GAH. boys these days...anywayyy, someone on Yahoo sent me this video of Munro singing, and he wasn't that bad! I wish I still had it, but if I find it again, I'll put it on my profile(:
-Lazerlicious
Thank you! I look forward to reading your review every time XD Sorry for the late update though :/
WARNING: things get a little dark in this chapter. Just saying. Moo.
Clare
"Two more weeks until the big dance," Sav announced. "Better find yourself a date if you haven't already." Eli turned and smiled at me. We hadn't ditched in a while- Ms. Dawes was getting suspicious of our random absences, so we gave it a rest. Things were great between us. We learned to hang out after school rather then during, and we finally exchanged phone numbers. The rest of that day was pretty boring. I faded in and out, trying not to fall asleep. It was a good thing I taught myself to listen while I was half asleep. I think I learned better that way, actually.
It's amazing how I can easily I can switch moods, I thought as I walked through my door, dropping the smile I had left over from spending time with Eli. Life at school was a stark contrast from life at home. No one was home… Again. Dad took off a while ago, and Mom was like me during school—in and out. Everything fell apart so quickly, and I had nothing to hold on to. The pictures on the walls were taken down, and Dad took some of our décor with him. I went to the kitchen and was met with a big, white envelope. Yup, Mom's gone. She always left some money when she left. A note was scribbled on the back of the envelope. Apparently, Mom was at her sister's house in the States for a few days.
I had a little over a hundred dollars to last for who knew how long. The fridge was pretty much empty, but I wasn't in the mood to eat or do anything, really. Upstairs, I plopped down on my bed, hugging a pillow. Right in front of me was a picture of Darcy and me. She looked so beautiful, especially when she stood next to me. She wore skinny jeans and a white lace top. Her smile was so bright, while mine—well, you couldn't really tell I was smiling, but I was. It was a shy, Mona Lisa-esque smile. I was in my uniform with my hair up, and my glasses were slightly tilted as Darcy had me crushed in a hug against her side. Oh, those glasses.
There was always something about them, so familiar, that I loved. I've had them since I was in first grade. I hated them for reminding me that I didn't have vision like Darcy. "Like Darcy" is how I always wanted to be. Yet, at the same time, I loved them because it's like they were a part of me. Of course the glasses that I had as a first grader and the glasses I had as a freshman were different sizes, but they were still exactly the same. Now, I loved them even more because of Eli. He ran over them, I smiled to myself. KC had me at, "hello,"; you had me at "I think they're dead." You're so weirdly charming.
I rummaged through the drawer by my bed and pulled out a lighter—the same lighter that I confiscated from Adam. Something in me changed that day. If Adam kept burning himself, then it had to work, right? I tested it a while ago, and it does. Slowly, I pulled down the waist of my jeans, heated Adam's—or Gracie's—hair clip and pressed it against my hip. My breath hitched, my fist tightened. My face contorted in a peculiar way, and yet, I didn't want to stop.
I stared at the picture of me and Darcy again. "I thought I could be different," I said to it. "But I'm not. Life is different. Of course, I can't be as good as you. You almost went all the way and killed yourself. I'm not as brave as you, Darcy, not at all."
Once I was feeling better, I changed into house clothes and crawled under the sheets. With my face pressed against the pillows, I felt pathetic and alone. It was almost like I was waiting for something to happen, like for the world to stop spinning.
At school the next day, Alli noticed the weird way I walked. I couldn't wear jeans because the denim irritated my burns, so I settled for a skirt.
"Clare," she said softly, knowing what I did. "Please?" I know she wanted me to stop, but no one knew what was going on. I wasn't strong enough to handle everything.
"Trust me, if I could, I would."
Alli looked at me like a Mom would at a naughty toddler. "Does he know yet?"
"Eli? Not yet. I'm gonna tell him soon though. I hate keeping this from him."
Eli
Clare's walking sort of awkwardly today. I wonder if she's hurt. I rubbed my chin, watching her converse with Alli. They always seemed to be having intense conversations when Clare was acting differently. What are they talking about? Is Clare going to tell me? If it was something personal, then I could understand, but I wanted Clare to be able to trust me.
At third period, I tried to focus on math, but all the numbers seemed to read "Clare". I was starting to wonder if I was dyslexic. Everything about her drove me crazy, and I couldn't get her off my mind. After everything that's happened to me, Clare gave me a different outlook on life. She was so warm, and instead of annoying me like happy girls tend to do, she changed me.
"Alright, class, please hand in your work on your way out," the teacher said. I looked at my nonexistent work. "Awesome," I muttered to myself. Clare was a beautiful paradox. She had me so confused, I never knew how to act around her, and I couldn't concentrate on anything. She haunted my dreams and seemed to be around every corner, either that, or I was just actively seeking her out. Clare made everything so perplexing, yet at the same time, made it all make sense. Nothing needed reason when I had Clare. She was my reason. I put my paper in the basket on the way out, planning to sneak back in later to re-do it.
I nearly sprinted to English, but Clare stopped me. She was leaning against a locker, looking thoughtful. Everyone was in their classes and it seemed to be only us in the halls. I slowed my pace and walked up to her.
"Hey there," I said when I was in front of her. She looked startled, but peered up at me and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
"Hi," she said, looking down again. I put my hands against the lockers on either side of her head. "You have that thinking face on," I said. Only a few inches separated our lips. So small a distance, but it's never been crossed with us. I wanted so much to just lean in and kiss her, but she looked lost.
"We should talk," she said, looking up again. Now isn't the time for talking, I said to myself. Clare's got you so corny, Eli. It was almost like I willed her to do my bidding because what happened next was unbelievable. She reached up and kissed me. It was so soft, so passionate. She tasted like vanilla.
Another thing about Clare Edwards is that she always left me speechless. I found myself describing everything about her with uncompleted terms. There was something—see?—about that kiss that was wonderfully insane. Things were so right with us, so good. Even if it was small kiss, it was everything that I would ever need- simplicity, and yet so much more.
"Thank you for being Eli," she whispered. There she goes again, confusing me.
"D'you want to get out of here?" I asked her, still smiling. Who knows where this can go?
Clare
Wow, I said to myself over, and over again. I did it; I actually kissed Elijah Goldsworthy. Everything about him was condensed into one, tiny kiss. It wasn't like those rinky dink, cliché kisses that you read about or see on TV. My leg didn't pop, he didn't grab my chin, I didn't snake my arms around his neck. Everything about his kiss screamed "Eli". His lips were chapped, his kiss was warm, and he was so passionate. He was gentle, but powerful. The only thing similar to the kisses that you hear about was that he left me utterly lightheaded. My head was swimming, and I wanted to laugh, but even more, to feel his lips on me again. I could only nod when he asked if I wanted to ditch.
How a kiss got us here, I still don't know, but what happens, happens.
"Eli, can you hurry up and get it in?" I pleaded. I winced in pain. Eli looked distraught, "Am I hurting you? I'm so sorry, I don't trust myself anymore…" He bit his lip in concentration. I leaned over and kissed the top of his head. "It's okay. This has to work, and besides, it's a good kind of pain." I lied about the last part, but he probably already knew that. "Wait. What if the people at school find out what we did? I'm not going to be St. Clare anymore!"
"You care too much about what people think." Eli pushed a little harder, but he was still very gentle with me.
"Somehow, I got the idea that this would be romantic," I frowned. "How are we going to make this work if we can't even do this right?"
"Oh, so suddenly there's an 'us'?" Eli smirked.
"Of course! Do you think I'd do this with just anyone? Now try again."
He pulled and pushed, twisted and turned, but no matter how hard we tried, he couldn't get my foot inside the shoe. "I really like this one too," I pouted. "I hate my feet."
"Really? I think they're quite darling," Eli said. He smiled and helped me up. "I've had a lot of firsts with you, Clare. First English partner, first time I skipped school to do work, first time skipping to go to a shoe store…" He rocked on his heels. I took his arm, "Well, I didn't know it bothered you so much."
"Not at all, m'dear," He said and led me back to Morty.
So much for finding shoes for the upcoming dance... This was supposed to be my Cinderella moment. My prince was supposed to slip a pretty shoe onto my foot and take me away. However, reality had to ruin everything. My feet were weird, and I was always bothered by the thought of someone finding out that I skipped class.
Eli
She held my hand the whole drive back to Degrassi, how could I not smile? I didn't expect things to be so easy with us. At the last light before we reached the school, I turned to look at her. She was asleep, but she had a focused look on her face. I wasn't sure about letting her leave just yet. What is she dreaming about? Her head lolled to one side, and her face was suddenly peaceful again. She sighed, and I saw movement under her eyelids, and suddenly, they fluttered open.
"I had a feeling someone was watching me," she said.
"I don't feel like going back," I said. "We could do something else? Like talk? You didn't exactly tell me what you wanted to say earlier."
"Earlier?" she asked, stalling.
"Yeah," I said, playing along. "Right before you did this," I leaned in and kissed her again. I loved having that freedom. "You know what? Screw tradition; I like when the girl takes the lead." I smirked, watching as she crinkled her nose cutely.
"I don't like to wait around, but I like having someone to depend on." Clare crossed her arms and looked at me from the corner of her eye.
"So does this mean I get to wear the pants in this relationship?" She nodded and kissed my cheek. "I like your pants," she said, making the both of us laugh.
I helped her out of the car and led her to a wooded area by the school. I've been there with Adam many times. We'd normally just sit by the stream and talk about music, girls, and other mundane thing, but with Clare, we could talk about anything from caterpillars to waterfalls.
We sat where Adam and I normally would, but neither of us said anything. I hope she doesn't feel like I'm pushing her to talk…We just sat there for a few minutes. Talking didn't really matter because just being with each other was nice, though knowing what she wanted to tell me earlier would've been good too.
"I love Degrassi," Clare sighed, looking at the clouds.
"What?" I was shocked. With all the drama going on there, I was sure that Clare would want to be back in her private Christian school.
"Yeah," she said, and then looked at me. "It feels like home. You walk in, and there are some people that you like, and others that you don't—like siblings. Mr. Simpson and Mrs. H are like the parents." She looked so relaxed, and I could tell that she meant every word. If she thought so highly of school, it made me wonder what was really going on at home.
"They're separated, you know," Clare said. Tears started to fill her eyes. "Dad just left one day, and I didn't even get to say goodbye."
I didn't even know what to say. I couldn't say that it was going to be okay or that it's alright because the truth was that nothing was certain. I just held her. Her head was tucked under my chin and her body trembled in sobs. I wish there was something I could do to stop the pain she was feeling. It hurt to see her like this and to feel like I was useless in her situation.
"Then Mom just left for a little while. I know she'll be back, but now I'm just alone. This is all my fault." Her tears rolled off my blazer and onto the grass. This must be what she wanted to tell me before…I lifted her chin so that she'd look at me. I brushed her tears away with my thumb and smoothed her hair. "Hold on," I said gently. "This is not your fault. It isn't your mistake that your parents couldn't work it out. I know I can't help much, but I'll be here for you. You can stay with me." Wow, Eli. You go from blaming her parents to inviting her to live with you. What a great person you are.
She sniffled a little, but the tears returned. "It is my fault! They had the perfect life with my perfect sister, but then I came along and ruined everything. It makes sense; after Darcy left for Kenya, they started fighting. It's because they only had me." I put the pieces together and assumed that Darcy was her older sister. I've heard people talk about her in the halls. They say she was nice, but she changed after she was raped. I sympathized with Clare. I thought everything was perfect, but she kept that image to hide the cracks in her family. She was so strong. She smiled and made things better for others when she had every right to break down and cry like this all the time.
"Clare, I know you think that Darcy was perfect, but she isn't. No one is, but I think you come pretty close." I offered her a smile and kissed her nose. She smiled through her tears, showing just how tough she was. "What could possibly be wrong with you?" I asked.
Her face suddenly became sullen, and her eyes glazed over. Her grip became limp and she looked sick. I held her even tighter and told her everything I liked about her. I pulled something out of my pocket and gave it to her. "I wanted to write you a letter and tell you how amazing you are, but I couldn't make it exactly right. So I just wrote down some of what I liked about you. Clare Edwards, you are one extraordinary girl."
She unfolded the paper and I instantly felt ashamed of my penmanship.
"I like your hair and your pretty eyes,
I like how I ran over your glasses and you didn't scream,
I like how I can talk to you about everything,
I like how smart you are,
I like that little freckle you have just over your shoulder,
I like how I randomly found you sitting in my car,
I like the way you write,
I like the way you say my name,
I like how your hair looks after a wind storm even though you really don't.
I like your face,
I like when you wear that cute denim jumper,
I like the cute way you get annoyed,
I like the spark I get whenever we touch,
I really like your thumbs,
I like how you make sandwiches and how you eat them,
I like the way you look at me when you don't think I'm looking,
I like absolutely everything about you,
Clare,
I like you."
She folded it back up and stared at it. "Um, it's not exactly finished yet. And I didn't intend on you reading it, so it's just kind of rough. But I felt like you needed it." She smiled and kissed my cheek. "I really like my thumbs too," she said. "Oh, and I like you too." She smiled widely at me, putting the paper in her bag.
"You make me so happy, Eli."
"I like how I make you happy and how you make me feel. And I like your pants," I said. Clare just nuzzled her head back under my chin. "Is that all?" I asked. I felt her body stiffen, and she brushed her face against my shirt. I heard her murmur an "Mhm." I didn't believe her, but she looked tired.
mkay! so that's it for now. The next chapter will be... interesting. that's all I can say for now mwahaha
btw, I'm sorry if some parts got a little weird... I write off of experiences mostly, but I've never had a bf TT-TT
I'M NOT UGLY, I SWEAR. but all my guy friends become best friends, and they're afraid to ask me out, yadda yadda yadda. FML. haha
tweet me at tralalaXTINA :D
