"Step one is the hardest and they say that kind of about everything. You know it's kind of like when you watch a baby take her first step and she spent days, weeks, and months teaching her muscles to function, but once they do it's never that hard again." - Addison Montgomery

Chapter 7: In a Land Far Far Away

I don't know what I was thinking.

The moment we took off I realized that I made the wrong decision but it was too late to stop the plane. I can't go back to the place the engendered my desolation. I need to escape to someplace where I can get a break from this thing called 'my life' and start on my journey of re-self-discovery... And Connecticut is definitely not that place. My anxiety is sky-rocketing just flying to its airport which is still at least an hour from where I grew up; the place my parents still live; the place I refuse to call home.

The moment we touch down in Connecticut, I make my way over to a ticket counter. I can't go home... I really can't. I'll probably be shunned if not stoned. I don't want to face Bizzy or the Captain. They would find a way to make everything that's happened fall back on me and I don't need anybody else to blame me. I've already got that part covered.

When I reach the counter, I'm asked where I'm flying to today and I just stare at the man. Shaking my head, trying to come up with a thought, I don't even have a chance to think but I blurt out, "First flight out to L.A. First class please."

He nods and asks for all of my information. I pay for my ticket, take it then make my way to baggage claim from my previous flight to collect my things before making my way to the check in for my next flight. I don't know why I chose L.A. I don't really want to see Naomi or anything. L.A. is just the last place where I remember being somewhat relaxed. I just want to lay on the beach and breathe for a bit; get my head together.

It's an eight hour flight to Los Angeles. What better of a time to pop a Xanax? Help me sleep some seeing that I haven't in awhile. By the time I board the plane and we take off, I'm asleep.

I barely wake to my shoulder being shaken by a flight attendant who smiles down at me, "Excuse me, miss? We've landed in L.A."

"Oh," I nod quickly and I wipe my eyes sitting up, "Thank you."

I grab my carry-on bag and my purse as I make my way off the plane. I put on my sunglasses and find my way to baggage claim. I only brought a few bags of luggage with me until I found somewhere permanent then I'd have the rest of my things sent over.

I haul a taxi outside of the airport and I give him the address of the beach house I reserved to stay in for a couple days while waiting on my flight in Connecticut. When I arrive at the beach house, the driver helps me take my luggage to the door and I pay the fare then he drives off. I get into the house minutes later and pull the luggage inside leaving it at the door. I check the cabinets and the fridge; they're all stocked how I like it. When I reserved the house, they asked what groceries I'd like to have in the house. I wrote down a lot of things that I probably won't eat but most of the stuff on the list was alcohol and wine; which is what I go to first... After pouring myself a glass, I make my way outside to the porch and I have a seat in one of the lawn chairs overlooking the beach.

I take a deep breath as I peer out onto the horizon then I finish what's in my glass. I should've just grabbed the whole bottle of gin. Oh god, I sound like my father. I've turned into him; drinking all times of the day... always in need of a drink. I don't want to be him. I throw my glass due to a minor freak out… but the breaking of the glass helped calm me down a little. I just want to be able to breathe again…

I get up going back into the house and upstairs to the main bedroom where I decide to take a shower. Undressing, I take a glimpse of myself in mirror and I see this worn out woman with bruises on her stomach and neck… a huge scar down her forearm… this woman is so pale… her eyes are so dull… she looks almost dead… that woman can't be me. I won't let it.

After I scrubbed my body until I at least felt somewhat new again, I come out of the shower taking a quick glimpse at myself in mirror… at least a little color has come back to my skin. I dry myself off making my way downstairs to grab my makeup bag and something to wear for the day.

When I finally finish my makeup and getting dressed, I look into the mirror and I no longer see that beat up tired old woman. I'm starting to look like myself again; at least with makeup on. After doing my hair, I see that it's only nine a.m. I don't know what to do with myself but I didn't get all dressed up for nothing.

I call a cab and it's here in minutes. I grab my purse and I hop into the backseat.

"Where are we off to?" the driver asks.

I shrug, "Take me somewhere fun."

By five in the afternoon, I've been to Madame Tussauds Hollywood, the Natural History Museum, the Broad, the Grove, the Walk of Fame and now I'm walking the pier at Santa Monica Bay. The beach house I'm staying in isn't too far from here so I decided that I'd walk back when I'm ready. The waves are so calming… I don't want to move from here but I feel like if I stayed here any longer I wouldn't leave.

I start my walk back along the beach and I make it back well before sunset. Today was a nice relaxing day to myself and I know I needed it. I decided to stop drinking for the time being. I don't want to turn into my father. Until I truly get myself together, no more alcohol for me. With that said, I realized that I have nothing to do. I don't want to watch TV, my mac needs to be charged… I'm not really hungry and I don't have a phone. I should probably get one of those.

Instead of being productive, I put my laptop on charge and get myself a bowl of ice cream. Luckily this place has smart TVs because the first thing I do is pull up Netflix. I'm scrolling through but I can't find anything that I really want to watch so I settle on Sunset Boulevard. By the end of the movie, I believe I cried at least eight times. I've seen this film before but it's never made me cry the way it did tonight…

I don't even want to think about why. I make my way upstairs and before laying down to sleep, I wash all my makeup off. I drift off to sleep within seconds.

The next morning I wake up in a bubble bath mood. After cleaning, I go through my normal makeup routine. Today I'm going to get myself a new phone; hopefully it'll be my same number and I'm hoping they can get all my contacts back. I'm pretty sure there's a way to do that.

I called a taxi and it took thirty minutes to get me to the nearest Apple store. About an hour after talking with the consultant, I managed to get a new phone with the same number, all of my contacts, thanks to iCloud, and Derek's number blocked. I'd say that was an highly successful hour. My phone has been blowing up with old texts and voicemails… Bizzy even called but I'm so not calling her back… at least not now. I'm trying to get myself back… to the point of when I can hear my own name without cringing.

Anyway, the Apple was conveniently across the street from a mall so you know where my next six hours was spent… shopping! I bought so many new clothes and shoes. There was a Sephora so I spent at least five hundred in makeup. I got my makeup done too and when I finally ran out of room on my arms for bags, I went to the hair salon.

I wanted to change things up a bit. I wanted the woman in the mirror to be someone completely different; someone I didn't recognize… someone that could give the name 'Addison'... so I dyed my hair blonde and I cut it a little, down to my shoulders. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see myself and I no longer saw the pale, broken woman. I saw someone new, someone that I could potentially be one day and I loved it.

I rode back to the beach house and with help from the taxi driver, I got all of my new things inside. My phone starts to ring and I scramble through my purse to find it. I pick it up and see that it's Richard Webber, my old mentor. I wonder what he wants.

"Hello, Dr. Montgomery speaking," I answer as professionally as I can be.

"Addison! It's Richard Webber. I've been trying to reach you for a couple of days now. This is the first time my call has gone through," he says.

I nod although he can't see that, "Yeah, I broke my phone but I finally got around to getting a new one."

"Well, it's great that you did. I heard you quit your job at Mount Sinai," he pauses.

I smirk, "How? I literally quit a couple of days ago…"

"Let's just say I'm all knowing…" he laughs then continues, "Anyway, I'm calling to offer you a job here at Seattle Grace. You'd have your own State-Of-The-Art-NICU and OB/GYN wing along with being one of the highest paid surgeons in the country."

"Whoa, well, that is a great offer," I barely get out before he cuts me off.

"You'd get your own office," he says and after I'm silent he continues, "Oh, Addie, before you turn it down, you have to at least try it out."

"Fine, I will come work for twelve weeks before I decide whether or not I will stay," I finally give in. I'm already in L.A. Seattle is just the next state over. I could drive there if I wanted.

I can basically hear his grin, "Thanks, Addie. You're the best. When should I expect to see you?"

"Um," I say looking at the calendar, "it's Thursday so I guess I'll see you Monday morning."

"Great. I swear you won't regret it," he says.

I really hope I don't. Seattle is so rainy, "I'm sure I won't. Good night, Richard."

"Addison," he says simply.

We hang up and I realize I didn't cringe at my name. That makes me feel a little better about myself. I decide if I want to look healthy and put together, I got to start treating myself better. I stopped drinking for now, which is a huge step. Next step, food… since it's been awhile since my last meal, I decide to take it easy and make myself a grilled chicken salad.

It's quick to prepare and about fifteen minutes later, I find myself on the couch watching Netflix and eating my salad. It's been a long day of retail therapy… Plus the start on my re-invention with the makeover of my outside… Tomorrow, I'll work on the re-inventions of my inside. I'm thinking maybe I'll go on a run and find somewhere with a great view where I could sit alone… listen to my conscious… find out what I like about myself, what I like to do during my spare time, what I like to eat… I fall asleep during Disney's Hercules with my half-eaten salad on my lap.

I wake up late the next morning and I run myself a bubble bath after cleaning up my mess on the couch. It's noon by the time I'm washed and dressed… makeup and hair done. I call a taxi meanwhile deciding that I'm tired of calling taxis and I should buy myself a car. I have the taxi take me to a Porsche dealership because I saw that they have a red 1957 Speedster on the lot and I want it.

Having spent all day at the dealership, I drive away in my new car back to the beach house. It's still early in the evening with a few hours before sunset so I decide to go on a walk along the beach to collect my thoughts.

In three days, I'll be in Seattle practicing again. It's been awhile since I've actually worked… it's been at least a month since I punched the mirror… I think getting back into surgery will be really good for me. I have too much time on my hands right now which can only lead to negative things and I don't know if I want to go down that road again… especially not when I haven't properly tried to be better. I have to at least give myself a chance before I give up again.

On my walk, I came across a Smoothie King and decided to have one of their Vegan Mango Kale smoothies for dinner. I've been walking for an hour now so I probably should start back to make it before sunset. I come across a couple of people playing volleyball on the beach and I make a mental note to join them the next time I see them. I plead to be more adventurous and spontaneous. I plead to do any and everything that comes across my mind… to be me, freely.

A lot has changed in the last six weeks of my life… I went from married to divorced, from living on the east side to living on the west, from being happy to… I don't even know how to describe how I feel nowadays… Numb for the lack of better words.

It's getting better though… at least I like to think. It gets a little easier to wake up every morning… There's still this huge scar on my wrists but I don't think that all the cocoa butter in the world could get rid of this thing. I can't believe it's been four weeks since I tried to end my life… Even though I don't have much to live for, at least I'm here… trying to find a reason to wake up every morning.

When I reach the beach house, I make my way upstairs to the bathroom and run a bubble bath. I grab a book then I undress; getting comfortable in the tub before starting to read. After actually washing my body and seven chapters in my book, I finally get out and get ready for bed. I go to sleep somewhat relaxed tonight and even somewhat excited for tomorrow.