Dear Cas,
It's too late. I'm too late. I don't know how long I sat with you on the ground and cried. I don't remember pulling your body into my arms and sobbing. I don't know when Sam came out of that house. I barely heard a word he said if he said anything. Everything is numb. This isn't like the other times I thought you were dead. This time your wings were burned into the ground like every angel death I've seen.
I don't know where Sam went. I don't know where anyone is. I can't think. I need you back. I can't do this without you. You weren't supposed to die first. You weren't supposed to die. Remember? You promised me that I would die first.
Dean threw the pen he was holding and almost ripped up the letter he was writing. He wiped a hand over his face to wipe the tears away. He thumbed through the magazine on his lap and stopped. He had never put a letter in the last page of the magazine. He pulled it out and opened the letter. Dear Dean. He opened every letter and found five more that weren't in his own crappy handwriting. Dear Dean. Dear Dean. Dear Dean. His heart slammed in his chest as he opened them.
Dear Dean,
It's become a game now. I assume you haven't found the other letters. As often as I can, I read the beautiful letters you write and I respond, placing my response among them. At first I was disappointed when you never mentioned my letters or even yelled at me for invading your privacy. Now I love to write you back.
I used to think about doing something similar to this before I found out about the letters. I used to imagine if I could pray back to you and have you hear it. The result is the same. You never hear them. You never read them.
I can proclaim my love for you in writing and give them to you every single day for the rest of your life and you still wouldn't know how I feel about you.
You've said how hugging me is both a relief and agony at the same time. You are, as you put it, a dumb-ass if you think it doesn't hurt me as well. You don't know half of the things that hurt me. Every time you call me a brother, you stab me and twist. I believed Lucifer when he told me you didn't care for me as I care for you because you cover your love for me with the words of family and brotherhood. I want to be Sam's brother. Not yours.
I don't know if this is something you remember or not. You like to give creatures made up names and I find it endearing. You asked me once over the phone to call a creature a were-pire. I don't know if you heard me but I did. I felt ridiculous but I did it.
I haven't addressed your confession about children because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say about it. Claire is adamant that I am not her father and never will be. I erased Lisa and Ben's memories of you. The shape shifter child is dead. I have never been given the option to think about procreating. Angels generally don't have a use for reproduction. I have been asked to raise the child of Lucifer. I don't know if that means you want to raise the Nephilim with me or if I will be protecting it from being slaughtered by everyone including you.
I want to tell you I love you daily even as I run from you and hide to try to protect you from this world and war. I can't tell you I love you or show you affection aside from hugging you or a quick clap on the shoulder. I do love you. You have to understand that I'm doing this for you. I'm sorry, Dean.
Love,
Castiel
Dear Dean,
When you die I will make sure you go to Heaven. Even if you are pulled down to Hell, I will bring you up to Heaven personally. You ask that I leave Earth and stay with you in your Heaven. It is a selfish request but one I have considered every day since I read it. I don't think Earth would be as enjoyable or hospitable or worth the fighting if you weren't there. I will take you up on your offer if the offer still stands by the time you die.
I met your mother. I didn't have warning and I would have been a better version of myself if I had known. I would have done things differently. All she sees is a monster when she looks at me. She didn't meet me when I thought you were alive. I regretted many things all at once about the way that we met. I don't think she'll ever approve of me as your friend let alone as someone who wishes to be your suitor.
When I found out you were alive I was so relieved I could have kissed you. I was destroyed when you were telling me goodbye. I thought I was saying goodbye to you forever. You told me to take care of Sam but you were always the one who took care of me. Who was going to take care of me now? You came back, though.
Love,
Castiel
Dear Dean,
I don't know what to say in this letter. I'm in love with you and that makes you my greatest weakness. I think everyone knows it now except you. I don't know how I'm supposed to tell you as I'm leaving again. I do love you but I don't have time to write you how much I do. That could take centuries. I only have minutes.
Goodbye, Dean. I love you.
Love,
Castiel
