Tonight was not going as she had hoped, Tauriel grumbled in her mind as she stepped out of her car and walked hurriedly up to the entrance of Mirkwood Enterprises Of course, it was protocol for her to be present as head of security if anything happened, but she disliked the implication that her staff couldn't deal with a few wayward drunks.

By the door, one guard was sitting on a chair, holding his torso and groaning. 'What happened here?' she asked, raising an eyebrow at a second guard that was standing nearby.

'The deaf one head-butted him in the stomach. You should have seen him earlier – completely lost his breakfast. Those dwarves have heads like rock.'

'Where did you take them?'

'The break room. You know, if this is going to be a regular thing you should ask the boss about getting us a holding cell or something.'

'We've been over this, Medlin. As a private corporation we don't have the legal jurisdiction to keep prisoners.' She took left turn to the security break room and opened the door.

Inside there were three dwarves of varying age (as far as she knew, she hadn't known many dwarves in any case) and they were all singing, deafeningly, in Khuzdul.

'Been jabbering at us in their lingo since they arrived,' muttered Medlin. 'Acting like they don't know what we're saying.

'It's dwarfish, Medlin. It's a legitimate language.'

'It doesn't sound like they're using it legitimately, captain.' And it was true. Whatever they were singing it was undoubtedly quite graphic. Especially considering the gestures the red-haired one was making.

'Either we chuck them out again and listen to them hammer on the door or we have the police come and pick them up.' They briefly entertained the first notion, then Tauriel sighed and reached for her mobile. 'Better sooner than later.'

But before she could go for speed dial, a third guard knocked on the door, gesturing to her. She went over to talk to her, and the guard said, 'Captain? There's a fourth one in the lobby, looking really agitated and asking if his cousins wandered in here. He isn't drunk, either.'

'I better go talk to him, then.' She exited the break room and went back to the lobby, where she found a young-ish looking dwarf in a grey hoodie, a head-and-shoulders shorter than she was. He looked dreadfully hassled and nervous, and when he saw her he asked urgently, 'Sorry, are my cousins here? I swear, I leave them alone for five minutes and they just vanish – Fili better pay me more than a twenty because I am never playing designated driver ever again –'

'We do as a matter of fact have three dwarves in our custody,' Tauriel said, cutting him off. 'They were causing a ruckus and assaulted one of my security guards. And now they seem to be singing something I don't know the meaning of.'

'Be thankful you don't. Oh, Mahal… I am so, so horribly sorry. I just came in for this family reunion, and then the lot of them decide to go out drinking… I've lost count of how many pubs we've visited, but I promised and if I'd left they'd probably have gotten themselves arrested.' He looked so miserable that Tauriel took pity on him. Besides, Thranduil wouldn't like getting the police involved in any case. It might damage the company's spotless reputation.

'It's fine. If you could just get them to leave I think we can agree to drop all charges.'

The dwarf's eyes widened. 'You would do that? Oh, thank you so much. I'll just get them off your hands as fast as I can and then go drown myself in embarrassment.'

Tauriel hid a smile. 'I'll escort you to them.' She gestured down the hallway and to the break room, where Medlin was standing outside with his hands over his ears.

'Sorry, captain,' he said. 'But I had to leave or I think my ears would have started to bleed. Also, the deaf one's eaten the entire secret biscuit stash and starfish head's done something horrible to the toaster.'

'Please fetch them, Medlin. This gentleman is a relative of theirs and is here to take them home.'

'Yes, ma'am.' Before long, he and a second guard were ushering the terrible trio out as fast as they could. The fourth dwarf said something urgently to them in Khuzdul, and the ginger one replied in a cheerful drunken manner, but they still managed to stumble their way down the hallway.

'Bloody lawn-ornaments,' muttered the second guard, once they were nearly out of earshot, but Tauriel noticed the sober one's shoulder's stiffen. Even if that hadn't been the case, she scolded the guard; she had no use for staff who couldn't think beyond useless prejudice.

'None of that, Edraith,' she said harshly. 'I suggest you go and rejoin the others, I need you to go over the footage you missed dealing with the disturbance.' The guard gave a chastened 'm'm,' and left, Tauriel escorting the dwarves the rest of the way out the door.

The fourth dwarf halted in the doorway, and turned around to face her. 'Thank you again. You can't imagine how helpful you've been.'

'Just as long as they're out of my hair,' she said, but not unkindly. 'Thank you for coming to get them.'

'It's no trouble. Well actually it is, it so, so is. But it's nice to be useful.' He cleared his throat. 'Right, less talking, more leaving. Sorry for taking up your time.'

She smiled. 'Nah, I'm good.'

'Goodbye.'

'Goodbye.'

There was a brief pause. Then:

'Starlight97?'

'CunningBowman?'

'… What?'

If Tauriel had not been brought up by a very traditional elven family that believed poise and keeping face to be very near to godliness, her jaw would have dropped. 'How are you here?' Then her suspicion awakened. 'You tracked my IP address?'

He looked as surprised as she did. 'What? No! I had no idea you even lived in the city! I don't even know your name!'

'So you're saying this is just a coincidence?'

He flailed briefly, causing strange looks from his cousins who were waiting down by the road. 'You tell me!'

'This night just keeps getting stranger.' She rubbed the bridge of her nose, and then added in a voice that was almost, but not exactly, like an accusation. 'I didn't know you were a dwarf.'

He had the same look on his face. 'I didn't know you were an elf.'

Does this then make for a whole new first impression? Tauriel wondered, making all previous acquaintanceship irrelevant? She settled for, 'It's all pretty unexpected.'

His face changed. 'It's nice, all the same, to meet you.'

'You as well… Just out of curiosity, what were they singing about?'

'Oh…' He looked embarrassed, but told her. She blinked.

'Huh. Is that biologically possible?'

'I… don't think so?'

So… I'll see you around.'

'Ah, yeah…'

He left, and Tauriel was left with the distinct feeling that she had missed something.

Kili wandered down to the car, his head like a cloud, driving him on. Well, that showed you how clear online impressions were. You think you know someone and then they turn out to be an entirely different species.

He was so distracted that when he entered the van and sat down, his heart very nearly stopped when the voice of Bilbo said next to him, 'That was all suspiciously easy.'

'Sweet merciful Aulë!' Apparently Fili hadn't expected that either.

'Don't be so loud,' Bilbo scolded them. 'We better leave soon, before we drag too much attention to ourselves.'

'How did you get out?! And why didn't we notice you?' Kili's heart was still thumping and he thought an explanation was the least they deserved.

'I used the commotion you lot kicked up get out. You were a bit distracted,' and here Kili felt a brief internal panic before he told himself there was nothing illegal about running into internet acquaintances which then turned out to be elves during a heist. 'So I snuck in here. And I've got the blueprints, before you ask.'

Fili gestured wildly. 'How were you so quick? We thought you'd be in there for at least another half an hour!'

'Well, it turned out that the air-conditioning duct didn't show up on Elrond's blueprints. Now, usually nothing irritates me more in a film where some idiot is crawling along a space that's inexplicably large enough to host a veritable party and support their weight, but apparently they are just large enough for hobbits. It shortened my route considerably.'

'Kili?' Thorin's staticky voice carried to them from the speakers. 'What's going on? How did it go?'

Kili looked at their burglar disbelievingly. 'So apparently our burglar has finished the job and we should probably leave before the security guards start to suspect anything.'

'…What? Nevermind. We'll regroup at safehouse C. Over and out.'

'Well. He sure is talkative.' Bilbo sat back. 'Got any snacks?' He was much more confident than when they'd first sorta broken into his house, Kili noticed. It seemed success agreed with him.

'There's poptarts under that chair,' said Fili. 'Though we don't actually have a toaster.'

Nori stuck his head past the front seat, where had taken the driver's place. 'Actually, we do.' He handed Kili a somewhat battered blue toaster, and shrugged at their collected incredulous glances. 'I didn't think they'd need it.'

'Well, genius, where do you suggest we plug it in?'

'Huh. Probably should have thought of that.'

To be frank, Bilbo was beginning to see why his mother had been so addicted to this lifestyle. Not that he thought he could live like this, but there was something about successfully lifting an item knowing you'd never be found out. Like the most impossibly intricate game of hide-and-seek possible.

But there was something else, too. It came through in the way that Bofur slapped him on the back, making him almost keel over, or when Fili and Kili congratulated him and teased him about being stuffed in a trashcan, or the twinkle in Gandalf's eye or even when Balin gave a small smile and Bifur nodded at him, just once. It was a sense of… camaraderie.

Bilbo had to analyse that feeling for a while, because he wasn't sure if he'd ever felt it before, or at least not for a long time.

So he put the USB port which held the information he had been sent to retrieve down on the table, and then stepped back, his role essentially finished, and watched them look at the contents, and argue about the best way to utilize them. Thorin stood at Kili's shoulder, watching the numbers swim across the screen with a look not of victory, but satisfaction, on his face. Gandalf, looking quite smug, said to him, 'Will you at least concede that Mister Baggins made a positive addition to our venture?'

'So far,' Thorin only replied.

Beside him, Balin snorted. 'Would it kill you to at least thank him?'

Thorin was silent for a little while. 'No. But I will do so when I see fit, and right now I don't, because I don't know his motives. All I know is that while our future hinges on our success, after he has gotten what he's after, whether it's money or an adrenalin kick, he can return home. To put it plainly, I don't trust him.'

There was a long, deeply uncomfortable silence, which stretched out like a measuring tape of embarrassment.

Finally, Bilbo, whose elation had now completely trickled away, said 'Well. At least you can't accuse him of being dishonest.' Picking up his coat, he added, 'It's late. I better return home. Looks like tomorrow will be busy as well.'

Bofur followed him to the door as he was about to leave. 'He didn't mean it,' he said.

Bilbo gave him a look that was almost pitying. 'Yes he did.'

Bofur conceded. 'Alright, he did. But it's more complicated than you think.'

'I keep getting that impression but no-one bothers explaining it to me.'

He waved his goodbyes, and wandered down the street, and thought, Yes. At least he's honest.

He didn't seem to have much else going for him.


You thought Thorin wasn't being enough of a jackass? Well, I have now proved you wrong! Alas, it is the fate of every character played by Martin Freeman to be surrounded by flash bastards in fabulous longcoats.
The insult of 'lawn-ornament' I nicked from the great lord Pratchett, as I couldn't think of anything original on my own.
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Cosmological constants:
-Poptarts
-Toasters
-Hysterically lewd drinking songs