A/N: Short update to the story as we see what's going on inside the little DJ's mind after her brief encounter with Chloe.
Beca circled the block around Chloe's house for probably the 20th time. She was completely drenched from the rain but it didn't bother her. She was more shaken by what had happened with Chloe. It's my fault. She understood why the redhead didn't want to see her, she understood the damage she had done all those years, never acknowledging that Chloe meant the world to her. It's all my fucking fault.
What's worse was that she didn't know what to do next. Chloe had made it clear that she didn't want to see her. It hurted Beca when she closed the door on her, just like Jesse had done, but the hurt wasn't from humiliation, it was from a massive feeling of regret, I deserve it. Beca knew that her hurt was nothing compared to what Chloe had to go through, Beca hated herself more for being the cause of it.
She reflected on the 4 years they were together as Bellas, Chloe had been nothing but supportive of everything she had done, including her relationship with Jesse, even when it killed her inside. Yet Beca had been too blindsided to notice. Fucking bonehead.
Never wanting to break their friendship, Chloe kept her feelings under tight wraps, using only songs to convey her thoughts and emotions. Smiling and beaming at Beca when they were together and acting occasionally like a goofball to get the DJ to laugh. She had never forced Beca to take her seriously except that one time when they fought. Even then, she completely forgot why she was upset as soon as she saw Beca in danger. Chloe had never tried to change her or pressure her, she only encouraged her by showing time and time again what Beca's strengths were, even when Beca was slacking.
So many signs, so many times Chlo had protected me, stood up for me and cheered on for me, way more than Jesse ever did, Chloe accepted all of me. Everything she did, was for me! And I just took it all for granted. Beca couldn't feel more disgusted with herself.
She didn't want to leave Chloe alone, she couldn't, knowing Chloe's dealing with so much shit. Yet, Chloe felt that the reason Beca turned up was out of sheer pity, which, given the circumstances does look like it's exactly what she was trying to do. No wonder she no longer wants to see me, but what can I do? How could I help her? How could I let her know that I feel the same way about her as she did for me?
Beca kept circling the block, thinking about the past and the many times she screwed up. Her self-doubt growing by the second. So what if I love Chloe, how could I possibly forgive myself for causing so much pain, how do I even have the audacity to tell her I love her?
Soon, the streets darkened and she saw that her ride was running out of gas. She rode off the block to look for the nearest gas station, filled her tank and headed back to the hotel. Fat Amy had told her to book that particular one as that's where she would also be staying. Beca texted her. Fat Amy had told the Brunette to provide her with updates.
"Met with Chlo, she wasn't happy to see me and I don't blame her. I just don't know what to do anymore. She probably hates me by now."
"No she doesn't." Fat Amy responded nearly instantly.
"She doesn't want to see me again."
"Don't worry, Big BM. Tell me about it tomorrow, we'll deal with it together. Rest up!" Fat Amy replied.
Beca felt a bit better after the reassurance, Fat Amy's confidence may seem to come in overabundance, but they were mostly well-placed. Beca could only pray this time was no different.
She didn't feel like going out again for dinner and decided to order room service, but nothing on the menu appealed to her, she took a power bar from her backpack and ate that instead, not feeling at all hungry. She hung her drenched clothes in the bathroom and looked in the mirror, a disheveled brunette stared back at her. Compared to Chloe's perfect frame, Beca felt inadequate. Just what did Chloe see in me?
She remembered how Aubrey nicknamed her as 'the midget' or 'the hobbit' when they were not on good terms during freshman year. Beca called her 'Aubreycrat' behind her back. Yet Chloe never took part in the name-calling, even though she giggled when Beca told her that's what she's calling the domineering captain. Of all the Bellas, Beca confided in Chloe the most, even early in the relationship. They did become fast friends as Chloe had predicted. Beca thought Chloe was always that welcoming to newcomers, but those words were only meant for her, the redhead didn't bond as much with the rest of the group, much to Beca's discreet delight.
In Beca's eyes, Chloe had always been perfect, like a goddess, sometimes way too good to be true and that's what had kept Beca from approaching or falling for the redhead. Subconsciously, Beca stopped with just admiring from afar. How can you fall in love with a goddess? But she unknowingly did, Chloe had affected her in every way; her moods, her music, her life. Without Chloe, she lost her bearings and was living a façade of a life with no friends and no inspiration. She became a workaholic from the first day she was at LA partly to avoid Jesse but also to distract herself from missing or thinking about Chloe.
It didn't work of course, she was compelled to talk to her and to find inspiration from her, only to feel guilty that she was only ringing up the Ginger with a purpose. The DJ actually worried her little head over what Chloe would think, to the extent that she would overthink how the girl will react. The whole internship fiasco was just one of those instances. She saw a pattern now, shit happens when she suppresses communication with Chloe.
Beca spent the rest of her night wondering how Fat Amy could help. She felt doomed but the Big Bella gave her lingering hope.
You're Beca effin' Mitchell! You're the Big BM! That's you! You're awesome!
Fat Amy's words drifted back. Beca only wished they were true because she had never felt so helpless and so torn than the day Chloe told her to go away.
A/N: Fat Amy will be coming to the rescue, and yes, so would the rest of the Bellas! Update coming really soon!
